How do I get my ex back 6 months after a break up?

[StarFly886]

I dated my ex for 6.5 years and we broke up in February over a petty fight. This was our ONLY breakup in 6.5 years. The last few months of our relationship was a little rocky, we fought over a lot of little things and the last one was like the final straw.

 

I ended things because I was tired of some of his behaviors. He’s a good man, but there are certain things about him I don’t like that I wish he would change, little stuff but still stuff that gets on my nerves. The night I left, he said he never wanted to speak to me again and blocked me on social media and now I have to use a mutual friend’s login just to see what he’s up to (I know, stupid, but I can’t help myself). A couple days before the breakup we were both introduced to this girl by a mutual friend. A week after our break-up, his friend posted a picture of him and the girl in his lap cuddled up on a couch. A WEEK!

 

I could tell by their body language that something had happened. My friend went to his friend and casually asked if anything happened and he said “I think they hooked up.” We’re apart for a week and he’s already sleeping with someone else? Some of my friends started texting him, calling him a jerk and other things and he changed his number. I was so hurt, but in my heart I knew I still wanted things to work out, so I started the "no contact rule" until April. Meanwhile, he was spending more and more time with this girl. I’ve seen pics of them on both their pages like every other day! Usually not just the two of them, but they certainly see each other a lot. But they both deny they’re dating and that they’re “just friends.” So in April, I realized he blocked me on everything (number, social media, e-mail) so I went to his house. He was having a small get together and of course she was there.

 

I was so angry, I left without ringing the bell because I was afraid I’d do something crazy. I sent him a long message on FB saying how hurt I was over this “friend” but that I love him and I’m not willing to throw away 6.5 years. He asked me to meet up and I thought “great, he misses me too and things will get better.” Not the case.

 

He said this meeting was a “drastic measure” since I was being a “psycho spying through his window” (I had no idea he saw me) and that we had to talk in person since ignoring me wasn’t working. He finally admitted he hooked up with her to my face (since I was SO pressed to know, his workds) and said I’m childish into thinking that was to get back at me (yeah right) and that I’m too self-centered. He said he's tired of wasting time expecting me to behave like an adult as opposed to a middle schooler in terms of our relationship.

 

He said he doesn’t care about my feelings, he doesn’t want any sort of relationship with me, to get out of his life (me and my b*tch friends) and then slammed $200 on the table and said “get some therapy. First round on me.” I admit, I freaked out and things got ugly. How could he do this to me after 6.5 years? We finished school together, were supposed to get married, have kids and now he doesn’t even want me in his life? I begged, pleaded, even left him alone like he wanted and 4 months later he still won’t even talk to me.

 

He’s still spending a lot of time with this “friend” and said he’s not ready for a relationship but he “wouldn’t mind dating her lol.” I just don’t know what to do, I’ve done everything I could to get him back and I just really need some advice.

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SpokenFor]

Sorry you are feeling so much heartache over this. You'll read a lot on this site about men and women who cheat in relationships, why they do so, etc. and it is all pretty painful. This seems like a different situation, though.

 

To understand things in your situation:

-- you say you 'left' because you couldn't take some of his behaviors that while minor really bothered you. This after 6.5 years of relationship.

-- he blocked all electronic access to you and went NC (No Contact).

-- soon after that he started hanging out with and probably having sex with another girl.

 

Did you expect that his response to your leaving him would be to change his behavior, and are now hurt that instead of making a change he is in a rebound relationship? It seems from his blocking you that he sent a clear signal that he was done with any relationship with you.

 

Can explain more about how the breakup went, and why you felt after that much time that these issues you say were minor got blown into a big deal?

 

It honestly seems like he feels that the two of you are permanently done and has no interest in re-starting a relationship. If this one meant as much to you as it seems it did, why did you end it over something you felt was minor?

 

You don't have to accept things that are seriously bothering you, but you will need to compromise in any relationship. If you were willing to compromise here, it would be worth trying to understand how you got to a 'take it or leave' place where he then chose, in what seems to have really surprised you, to leave it.

 

I wish you well; being in the place you are now truly does suck and I hope you find your way out of it soon. Life will be better and you will enjoy it; just have to get through this tough bit first.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Unfortunately, you've painted yourself into a corner with your extreme behaviour.

 

I see zero chance of you two getting back together, ever.

 

By extreme behaviour, I mean:

 

*Sending your friend over to ask what was happening with him and the girl.

*Getting your friends so wound up about him, that they sent him nasty texts.

Going to his house, when he'd made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you.

Sending a message via FB, under somebody else's login, after he'd blocked you, and made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you.

Meeting with him, freaking out and getting ugly, after he told you again that he wants nothing to do with you.

 

To sum up:

 

He wants nothing to do with you.

 

 

I just don’t know what to do, I’ve done everything I could to get him back and I just really need some advice.

 

The best advice that I can give you, is that you try to accept the fact that it really is over, and to leave him alone.

 

Then you can focus on yourself, and try to cultivate some calm and clarity.

 

Does alcohol play a part in your behaviour?

 

This kind of behaviour often goes hand in hand with drunkenness...

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I see nothing positive here.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

 

*Maybe you didn't, but it looks like you did.

[Amelie1980]

I am not normally so blunt to people however in your case, this is being cruel to be kind.

 

1. it's over

2. he has a new gf

3. he has told you ignoring you doesn't work to get rid of you

4. he actually told you to get out of his life

5. he gave you money for therapy as he thinks you're crazy

6. he has blocked you on everything

7. he doesnt want anything to do with you.

 

For god sake how many more indications do you need?

 

Leave it alone and get out of his life and worry about yourself and dont lose any more self respect than you already have.

 

He DOES NOT WANT YOU!

 

This could get ugly in that he reports you to the police for harassment.

 

Be very careful.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Amelie1980

[LoveIsMyReligion]

To put this politely, try stop focusing on what you want for a moment and consider his needs as well.

 

This is very difficult for you, understandable, but you need to respect his wishes and remove him from your life. This includes any contact.

[StarFly886]

I broke up with him because things were spiraling out of control as far as I saw it. It got to the point where we argued daily over the stupidest, pettiest stuff. It felt as though I didn't like being around him anymore, and I'm sure he was probably feeling the same. Things were pretty great until September of last year. We began clashes finances after he got a new job and started making more money. I felt like he got a huge ego boost after that become a micro manager when it came to money (we lived together the last 2 years). We used to have a joint account, but over time he stopped transferring money from his personal to the joint, something we BOTH did twice a month. Granted, he put more money into the account and paid a majority of the bills while we were living together but he made a lot more money than I did, and none of this was an issue until he got that new job. He began complaining anytime I asked him to take me out or buy anything that wasn't just for him, saying I would never do xyz for him, which is completely unfair. I don't make a ton and I have financial obligations (mostly students loans) that I feel are a tad more important than buying my boyfriend a gift, or whatever.

 

As far as his behaviors, he just did little passive aggressive things that annoyed me like whenever I said something, he felt the need to make a side comment and accusing me of always having right (which isn't true at all) and as far as household duties he would just whine about having to do certain chores, chores he's always done in the past but now suddenly are an issue. It seemed like each day I was getting more and more upset with him and just needed some temporary space.

[seasickpeeve]

Do you really really really want HIM back? Or is it possibly just your ego offended that he moved on so very quickly?

 

It sounds incredibly painful what you are going through, like breaking up is a massive regret for you. I think you have given more than enough to let him know you regret the decision so it is up to him now to be in touch if he wants to.......but it doesn't sound like he's likely to ever want to. You are trying to grasp at sand.

 

It's a lesson that before you end a relationship you need to be very very sure about it because the minute you say it's over, it's over.

[Amelie1980]

I broke up with him because things were spiraling out of control as far as I saw it. It got to the point where we argued daily over the stupidest, pettiest stuff. It felt as though I didn't like being around him anymore, and I'm sure he was probably feeling the same. Things were pretty great until September of last year. We began clashes finances after he got a new job and started making more money. I felt like he got a huge ego boost after that become a micro manager when it came to money (we lived together the last 2 years). We used to have a joint account, but over time he stopped transferring money from his personal to the joint, something we BOTH did twice a month. Granted, he put more money into the account and paid a majority of the bills while we were living together but he made a lot more money than I did, and none of this was an issue until he got that new job. He began complaining anytime I asked him to take me out or buy anything that wasn't just for him, saying I would never do xyz for him, which is completely unfair. I don't make a ton and I have financial obligations (mostly students loans) that I feel are a tad more important than buying my boyfriend a gift, or whatever.

 

As far as his behaviors, he just did little passive aggressive things that annoyed me like whenever I said something, he felt the need to make a side comment and accusing me of always having right (which isn't true at all) and as far as household duties he would just whine about having to do certain chores, chores he's always done in the past but now suddenly are an issue. It seemed like each day I was getting more and more upset with him and just needed some temporary space.

 

Why do you want him back then? It doesnt sound as if he was very nice to you.

 

As soon as you left him for his behavior, he didnt try to make it better, he moved on. You should too.

[Satu]

It sounds like you both got to the point of just not liking each other very much.

 

Too much friction, the gradual erosion of any good feelings, not enough glue to hold you together...

 

Time to let go.

[StarFly886]

No, wanting him back has nothing to do with her or him moving on. I never wanted to break up in a sense of I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but things were getting too heated. There's no way to have a healthy relationship when you're fighting with your partner every single day for months at a time. Talking it out didn't seem to help, coming back to the problem later from an less emotionally charge place didn't seem to help, and if one person just said "forget it, I don't want to fight" it would come back up in little passive-aggressive ways for example, this one time he said something I didn't like after I spent some time with my girlfriends (who he never liked) the night before instead of hanging out with him and I didn't voice my frustration about it, but I didn't do his laundry for like a month (something I've always done). Little instances like that. My parents have a very troubled marriage and they constantly fight as well (something I NEVER want to go through when I get married) and my mother has always confided maybe if her and my father separated and got counseling things would get better since their way wasn't working, but my father will never agree to it. Anyway, back in February after another fight (not the big fight) I suggested we tried couples counseling and he agreed! Started looking up people and everything, but a week later he decides we're not worth saving anymore? It makes no sense.

[stillafool]

I broke up with him because things were spiraling out of control as far as I saw it. It got to the point where we argued daily over the stupidest, pettiest stuff. It felt as though I didn't like being around him anymore, and I'm sure he was probably feeling the same. .

 

 

He feels the same way you did about the above and I think that's a reason why he is through with the relationship with you. Honey, if he met you and told you to leave him alone and slammed down $200 for you to get therapy, it's over. Plus he is seeing another girl now. I think you should stop hurting yourself by trying to figure out how you can get him back when it's clear he doesn't want to come back. You have to stop the spying as this keeps you in pain and confirms to him that you are crazy. Go strict NC and get professional help if you need it to get over him but don't waste anymore time trying to get him back. It's not going to happen.

[StarFly886]

To Amelie, he wasn't mean or abusive he just has his ways. Everyone has a few things about that's annoying, I definitely do, but after a certain amount of time little things start to become BIG things (at least with that is) especially when we're already not getting along. He's always been iffy about money, but never really mentioned it until we moved in together. He feels as though I don't do my part when it comes to expenses, and yes he did pay like 90% of the expenses during the course of our relationship, but like I said before he made a lot more money than I did and even before we both graduated his parents were always giving him money on top of paying for his schooling needs.

[Amelie1980]

To Amelie, he wasn't mean or abusive he just has his ways. Everyone has a few things about that's annoying, I definitely do, but after a certain amount of time little things start to become BIG things (at least with that is) especially when we're already not getting along. He's always been iffy about money, but never really mentioned it until we moved in together. He feels as though I don't do my part when it comes to expenses, and yes he did pay like 90% of the expenses during the course of our relationship, but like I said before he made a lot more money than I did and even before we both graduated his parents were always giving him money on top of paying for his schooling needs.

 

More money than you or not, covering 90% of your expenses for a long term relationship is a lot for someone to do.

 

My boyfriend in college had more money than me and his family gave him money. I didnt expect him to pay for me.

 

Maybe he was tired of it.

 

You seem to have supportive friends. Cant you go out with them, forget about him and see if you can meet some new people.

[ExpatInItaly]

I dated my ex for 6.5 years and we broke up in February over a petty fight. This was our ONLY breakup in 6.5 years. The last few months of our relationship was a little rocky, we fought over a lot of little things and the last one was like the final straw. I ended things because I was tired of some of his behaviors. He’s a good man, but there are certain things about him I don’t like that I wish he would change, little stuff but still stuff that gets on my nerves. The night I left, he said he never wanted to speak to me again and blocked me on social media and now I have to use a mutual friend’s login just to see what he’s up to (I know, stupid, but I can’t help myself). A couple days before the breakup we were both introduced to this girl by a mutual friend. A week after our break-up, his friend posted a picture of him and the girl in his lap cuddled up on a couch. A WEEK! I could tell by their body language that something had happened. My friend went to his friend and casually asked if anything happened and he said “I think they hooked up.” We’re apart for a week and he’s already sleeping with someone else? Some of my friends started texting him, calling him a jerk and other things and he changed his number. I was so hurt, but in my heart I knew I still wanted things to work out, so I started the "no contact rule" until April. Meanwhile, he was spending more and more time with this girl. I’ve seen pics of them on both their pages like every other day! Usually not just the two of them, but they certainly see each other a lot. But they both deny they’re dating and that they’re “just friends.” So in April, I realized he blocked me on everything (number, social media, e-mail) so I went to his house. He was having a small get together and of course she was there. I was so angry, I left without ringing the bell because I was afraid I’d do something crazy. I sent him a long message on FB saying how hurt I was over this “friend” but that I love him and I’m not willing to throw away 6.5 years. He asked me to meet up and I thought “great, he misses me too and things will get better.” Not the case.

He said this meeting was a “drastic measure” since I was being a “psycho spying through his window” (I had no idea he saw me) and that we had to talk in person since ignoring me wasn’t working. He finally admitted he hooked up with her to my face (since I was SO pressed to know, his workds) and said I’m childish into thinking that was to get back at me (yeah right) and that I’m too self-centered. He said he's tired of wasting time expecting me to behave like an adult as opposed to a middle schooler in terms of our relationship. He said he doesn’t care about my feelings, he doesn’t want any sort of relationship with me, to get out of his life (me and my b*tch friends) and then slammed $200 on the table and said “get some therapy. First round on me.” I admit, I freaked out and things got ugly. How could he do this to me after 6.5 years? We finished school together, were supposed to get married, have kids and now he doesn’t even want me in his life? I begged, pleaded, even left him alone like he wanted and 4 months later he still won’t even talk to me. He’s still spending a lot of time with this “friend” and said he’s not ready for a relationship but he “wouldn’t mind dating her lol.” I just don’t know what to do, I’ve done everything I could to get him back and I just really need some advice.

 

You really need to leave him alone and start to move on. It's over. He couldn't have made it any clearer. I don't think there's any chance he'll be back.

 

Stop checking his social media. Do not under any circumstances go to his house. Don't ask friends to find out what he's up to and report back. This "friend" of his is probably his girlfriend now, despite what he's told you. Even if she's not, he's been very clear that it's over between the two of you.

 

You broke up with him. Remember all the reasons why every time you get the urge to find out what he's doing and who he's doing it with. You pulled the plug on this. Time to stand by your decision and let go.

[Learningtowalkagain]

To Amelie, he wasn't mean or abusive he just has his ways. Everyone has a few things about that's annoying, I definitely do, but after a certain amount of time little things start to become BIG things (at least with that is) especially when we're already not getting along. He's always been iffy about money, but never really mentioned it until we moved in together. He feels as though I don't do my part when it comes to expenses, and yes he did pay like 90% of the expenses during the course of our relationship, but like I said before he made a lot more money than I did and even before we both graduated his parents were always giving him money on top of paying for his schooling needs.

 

He paid 90% of the bills and you nagged him about minor things you said turned into big things. He felt unappreciated, I would too. Everyone is 'iffy' about money. I don't mind paying the majority of the bills if I'm living with a girl but ideally I'd like it to be 60/40 or at worst 70/30.

 

He feels as thought I don't do my part when it comes to expenses

 

That's because you don't

[StarFly886]

That's not exactly fair learningtowalk. He had money, and I didn't and for a very long time he didn't mind paying the expenses and then he decided to pull a "change up" last year. Who does that?

[StarFly886]

And it's not like I never paid for anything.

[Satu]

Was the disparity of incomes so great, that you could only contribute $1, for every $9 he contributed? $10 for every $90?

 

Was he earning nine times more than you?

 

I don't care much about money myself, but that's a huge disparity...

[StarFly886]

In a year, he earned $300,000+ and me $50,000-$52,000

[Satu]

In a year, he earned $300,000+ and me $50,000-$52,000

 

Do you consider that him paying 90%, and you paying 10%, was fair and sustainable long-term?

[StarFly886]

I didn't see anything wrong with it if that's what you're asking.

[dyna85]

Hey starfly. I can imagine how distraught you must feel having invested so much time in a relationship with someone to witness them rebounding so quickly after the breakup, however, your best bet is to go ghost on him stat, for yourself. You will later gain a much clearer perspective on the whole situation. By going ghost, I mean, adhering to complete no contact. When you stop seeing or hearing about him, your emotions will have time to process. By continuing to see him (whether thru social media means, hearing about him thru others, or communicating with him), you are just continuing to touch the stove and it's scalding hot and burning you at every inch and turn.

 

Letting go will be no easy feat after 6.5 yrs, but you need to not act on your impulses anymore. It's okay to feel crazed from the hurt, but don't do things that will hurt yourself even more, like showing him how hurt you are.

 

His $200 therapy comment was a low blow and he's a jerk who doesn't deserve a moment more of your time. You will come to realize this in time.

 

I agree with the others too about focusing on what was wrong with the relationship. You said things spiraled and were pretty much intolerable. It wasn't working for you and that's why you ended it, and he's giving you more reason why you were right in your decision with how he's acting, so let him do his thing and do yours. His way of acting post breakup reflects on him, not you.

[stillafool]

That's not exactly fair learningtowalk. He had money, and I didn't and for a very long time he didn't mind paying the expenses and then he decided to pull a "change up" last year. Who does that?

 

Anyone would unless you are married to them. It's not fair and it's draining on a relationship.

[stillafool]

I didn't see anything wrong with it if that's what you're asking.

 

That's probably one of the reasons why you guys are not together. You make a decent salary and should pay for yourself.

[StarFly886]

We haven't had contact for 4 months How long is it going to be like this?