3 years post marriage and alone

[CarmenMiranda]

Hello everyone. I posted this on "General Relationship" because it didn't really seem to belong here but maybe someone here has some insight. I hope so.

 

I used to come on here when I was going through my separation and found it could sometimes be helpful so I'm back.

 

Background:

Married 21 years

Should have left long before I did for many reasons including alcohol abuse, manipulation, lack of financial responsibility, unfaithfulness etc. But this post is not about that.

 

I've dated and had short-lived relationships since then, but I'm often really lonely, and tonight is one of those times.

 

This is my problem, and I'm sure I'll get some flak for it. But it's just true, so please hear me out and don't judge. I am not "full of myself" and in fact I think the only truly meaningful things in life are your experiences and relationships with others.

 

That being said,

 

I seem to be too much for most men. I am a highly advanced and competitive athlete, and also a CEO and entrepreneur. I really am a very accepting, giving, loving and easygoing person who dedicates time an energy to helping others, but I also have a high intellect and am also tall and very attractive (Stunning is the word I hear a lot. Apparently I also look like I'm about 10 years younger than I am. This is nice but also problematic.)

 

So great, there must be some middle-aged successful guy who'd be great for me, right? Which brings me to the next part of the problem.

 

I am very youthful, and fairly alternative. My friends are mostly much younger than I am not because I choose people based on age (I also have some friends in their 80s) but just because of how I choose to spend my life. I love to go to music festivals and am addicted to new indie music. My business tends to be more youth-oriented and I like to do things like go camping and traveling to different countries, and I always like to try new things, new foods, new places.

 

Most men over 45 are slowing down on many levels and getting physically lazy. I am not knocking them. But that is definitely not where I'm at.

 

I really did not realize all this was a problem until I began dating more seriously. Since then, I find the only guys who are intent on an actual relationship with me are in their 20s and trying to convince me that age doesn't matter (sorry, too young). Most men who are anywhere close to my age I either have nothing in common with or they are attracted to me and want to date me until they find out enough to be intimidated. They seem to want someone needier. Less self-sufficient. Or just less.

 

Now, it's very very easy for me to get dates. That is not the problem. The problem is finding someone I feel there may be any future with - I'm not talking marriage or something here, just something real. Not just sex.

 

I couldn't care less how much money a guy makes as long as he's not looking for a sugar-momma but I do need someone who I can share at least some parts of my life with, and who is ok with someone successful but also intellectual, athletic, a hippy and, oh yeah, 49 years old.

It's a messed-up combination, but it is me.

 

How the heck do I resolve this? Where can I possibly find someone anything like me, or at least who accepts me as I am?

[oldshirt]

I'm 51, well educated in my field, gainfully employed and while I'm healthy, still have a vigorous sex drive and like to get out and do fun and active things, if someone asked me to go run a 10k, I'd probably laugh in their face. I'm not going there LOL ;-)

 

Like attracts like and not many single 50 year old are going to have your zest, fitness and level of ambition and success.......and the ones who do are going to be dating 30somethings.

 

The way I see it here, you too probably have more in common with a 30something than a 50something so I say just roll with it.

 

I used to rock climb and camp on the ground under the stars and raft down raging rivers. But now my idea of camping is Howard Johnson's. That's about as rustic and rugged as I care to go. If I met you, I'd think you were a hot awesome chick and would dream I could get with you.

 

But I'd have to be realistic and realize that you'd have no interest or attraction in me as a night in a hot tub with a bottle of Moscato sounds a lot more adventuresome than scaling a rocky ledge or camping in the mountains now.

 

I'd wish I was the kind of guy that could catch your eye but unless you are into shaved bald guys who's six pack abs now have a couple inches of padding, I know it would likely be wasted breath once some ripped 30something came along and asked you out on a 30 mile mountain bike ride.

[loveboid]

Welcome to the world of men. I would look at advice given to successful men with the same problems if you haven't already.

 

You're spending time in the wrong place. You're hanging out with people too young and too tired.

 

Successful, energetic men are probably out there enjoying the skills they've mastered and using their energy helping other people out, not just sitting around relaxing themselves at music festivals though they may do that too.

 

Have you thought about attending a Ted conference? How about any conference? There are world wide communities and conferences where smart, successful, energetic, passionate people meet every year. They cost money and are challenging so people need the skills and salary that go with it to attend.

[PegNosePete]

You could quite easily swap the genders and write the same post for many men out there. They are looking for women like you, and they are just as frustrated that women in their age range are slowing down, physically lazy, not adventurous enough etc.

 

It might take more work to find them, but they are out there.

[CarmenMiranda]

Thanks for the replies. I do hope you're right and someone is out there. I waffle between feeling hopeful and hopeless. You caught me on the hopeless side of the pendulum

 

@Loveboid yes I attend any number of arts events, debates, etc. (The Munk debates are big here) Plus plenty of music festivals and live shows at clubs. Because that's what I enjoy. I also volunteer for various organizations, am a triathlete and weight trainer (with a personal training licence although I don't use it professionally). I can't see how I'd be looking the "wrong place" by living my life. Isn't it the right place if I am doing what I enjoy doing? Wouldn't it be wrong if I were doing something I don't enjoy, just to find a man?

 

Anyway, I feel like I really should be able to meet someone with all that going on, but the men I'm interested in seem to almost always be either 30-something, married, or as I said before, intimidated.

 

I have nothing against being involved with a 30-something if we are right for each other, but the truth is most 30-something guys look at my age and see "cougar" -- someone to f***.

 

Even if that were not the case, most younger men want a family one day and they won't get that with me, so they look at me as the perfect person to have a relationship with until they're ready for their "real" relationship. If I had a dollar for every time I had to explain why that situation is not acceptable to me!

 

Listening to myself on this is really irritating right now because I sound so whiny and complaining. The truth is, I'm just lonely.

How I would love to find someone to love, and who will love me back.

 

I often ask myself: How difficult can it be for two people to find each other, want to spend time together and treat each other the way they deserve to be treated?

When you're 49, the answer appears to be very difficult indeed.

[oldshirt]

You sound like an awesome lady, I am sure that you will find an awesome guy.

 

You are one in a million. The problem though is single 45-55 year old men of your caliber are one 2 million and many of those would be able to get a woman in her early-mid 30s and that would give him another decade or more before menopause stripped away all her libido. A fit, healthy 50 year man still can have a strong sex drive and a menopausal woman just doesn't have the mojo any more and many divorced 50 year old men are not going to go through that again and will be leary of another premenopausal woman.

 

Your point about young men wanting children is also well noted.

 

Your challenge is to find that sweet spot of men who aren't interested in raising a new family but are still ok with the bedroom fires dying down in a few years.

 

Your issue here isn't that you are not a desirable chick because you absolutely ARE. The issue is you are in a niche market. When you were in your early 20s you had a market share of about 2.9 billion men lined up wanting to be your man. Now you are looking at a much smaller and more specialized niche of the market.

 

 

 

Don't worry though, they are definately out there and you will be one of the ones able to get them when you find them. You are having a bit of a "woe-is-me" moment today. By this weekend you may have another Mr Wonderful knocking at your door with a handful of roses.

 

You still got it going on. Your only real problem is fewer and fewer of men in your age and lifestyle cohort have it going on anywhere near as much. Of the ones that are out there, you'll be able achieve it whereas many of the lesser women won't even be able to dream it.

[Arieswoman]

CarmenMiranda,

When I was single and dating (post divorce) I could have written your post, especially this bit ;

 

I seem to be too much for most men. I am a highly advanced and competitive athlete, and also a CEO and entrepreneur.

 

In my case I was a Healthcare Professional, degree educated operating my own sucessful business (and still am !)

 

I think there will always be some men who feel threatened by intelligent, articulate, competent women. Many men want a "Stepford wife" who won't challenge them intellectually.

 

All I can say is that there is someone out there for you if you put yourself about in the right quarters.

 

It's a numbers game - the more guys you meet the more likely you are to find someone compatible.

 

Good luck x

[Mr. Lucky]

How the heck do I resolve this? Where can I possibly find someone anything like me, or at least who accepts me as I am?

 

Much of your post gives off a vibe lacking humility and vulnerability.

 

Given your "stunning" appearance, many 20-year old guys would be OK with that.

 

Given their life experience, many 50-year old guys might not be. JMHO...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

You may be able to find a new activity that both interests you and has more of the men you're looking for.

 

There's a book out there that basically says women who successfully married had to work at it. Networking, going to where the men are, meeting lots of men. It isn't just going to happen by itself.

[CarrieT]

I seem to be too much for most men. I am a highly advanced and competitive athlete, and also a CEO and entrepreneur. I really am a very accepting, giving, loving and easygoing person who dedicates time an energy to helping others, but I also have a high intellect and am also tall and very attractive (Stunning is the word I hear a lot. Apparently I also look like I'm about 10 years younger than I am. This is nice but also problematic.)

 

How the heck do I resolve this? Where can I possibly find someone anything like me, or at least who accepts me as I am?

 

Frankly, you sound a little full of yourself and maybe this is coming across to the guys you are meeting; they may see you as competition with YOU.

[fireflywy]

So you want a guy to accept you just as you are but your post is so comparatively full of conditions on who THEY should be without saying it. If you want to figure out why you're alone, start there.

Edited August 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[oldshirt]

So you want a guy to accept you just as you are but your post is so comparatively full of conditions on who THEY should be without saying it. If you want to figure out why you're alone, start there.

 

People want what they want.

 

At the end of the day people are often most compatible and happy with people who are much like themselves (I said 'much' like themselves, not exactly like themselves)

 

Women typically have a certain degree of hypergamy where they want a partner that is more successful, more ambitious and of higher social status than themselves.

 

If a woman is just an average Jane, the world is full of Slightly Above Average Joe's and they have a good market share to choose from.

 

For an exceptional woman like the OP it becomes a real challenge.

 

People want what they want and its not really fair for others to tell them to settle or to aim low.

 

It's one thing if someone's criteria is completely unrealistic such as a 300lb welfare mother with 5 illegitimate kids from different fathers that hasn't used a toothbrush in a couple years holding out to hook up with tall, handsome, buff, never married Hollywood producer.

 

But the OP hasn't stated any pie-in-the-sky wish lists here. She is simply looking for someone of her general age bracket that is as active and motivated as she is that won't be put off by her level of activity and interests.

 

That is not unrealistic or far fetched. Challenging yes, but not unrealistic.

[CarmenMiranda]

@CarrieT and @MrLucky I knew I'd get flak for this post and that's ok.

The people who are really in my life know I do my best to be a kind, giving and compassionate person and that neither money nor looks really matter very much to me, and strangers on the internet who've never met me can think what they like.

The only reason I mention looks is because it's relevant to the discussion. And if people constantly tell you how beautiful you are, then you know it, regardless of the value you give it.

 

To the people who commented on the post honestly looking to help me, I sincerely do thank you.

 

@fireflywy - I don't wonder why I'm alone. The good and bad thing about getting older is you learn what you want/need and what you don't want.

I'm alone because after being with the same person for 23 years, married for 21, it took a good (over) 2 years before I was ready to even think about another relationship. I didn't think I'd ever want to go there. Now that I have gotten to the point where i'd like to find someone, the last thing I want is a relationship with a man I know won't work. Choosing to be alone rather than be in a relationship with a person who's wrong for me or me for them doesn't negate the fact that I'd like to find someone who's right.

 

@oldshirt point taken re: men my age with younger women. There is no question. Most 30-something men see a late-40s woman as simply someone to bed whereas a substantial number of 30-something women see late-40s man as a potential life partner. Which actually seems a little backwards to me since women tend to live considerably longer than men, but nature is nature.

 

Luckily I have a very high libido and since my mother didn't go into menopause until her 60s (and apparently still has a roaring libido at 85, as did my grandmother even until she died just before 100) I probably have a lot of life in that tank. But a potential mate would not know that.

 

Also thank you for your final statement. You are right that I'm having a sad (pathetic?) "woe is me" time. Before long I'll at the very least have enough fun doing what I love with people I love that I won't feel that way for at least a while.

I do sincerely hope that before long I will find a lovely man who maybe even likes the fact that I just want to be with him as opposed to needing him, and who also wants to be with me. Honestly, there could be nothing better.

 

@arieswoman thank you. I do believe it's a numbers game and the numbers are much smaller at this age than any age previous. I just have to get over this hump.

 

Many, many thanks to those who have responded to me without judgment.

[CarmenMiranda]

People want what they want.

 

At the end of the day people are often most compatible and happy with people who are much like themselves (I said 'much' like themselves, not exactly like themselves)

 

Women typically have a certain degree of hypergamy where they want a partner that is more successful, more ambitious and of higher social status than themselves.

 

If a woman is just an average Jane, the world is full of Slightly Above Average Joe's and they have a good market share to choose from.

 

For an exceptional woman like the OP it becomes a real challenge.

 

People want what they want and its not really fair for others to tell them to settle or to aim low.

 

It's one thing if someone's criteria is completely unrealistic such as a 300lb welfare mother with 5 illegitimate kids from different fathers that hasn't used a toothbrush in a couple years holding out to hook up with tall, handsome, buff, never married Hollywood producer.

 

But the OP hasn't stated any pie-in-the-sky wish lists here. She is simply looking for someone of her general age bracket that is as active and motivated as she is that won't be put off by her level of activity and interests.

 

That is not unrealistic or far fetched. Challenging yes, but not unrealistic.

 

 

And thank you for this too. I appreciate you seeing the point.

[fireflywy]

People want what they want.

 

At the end of the day people are often most compatible and happy with people who are much like themselves (I said 'much' like themselves, not exactly like themselves)

 

Women typically have a certain degree of hypergamy where they want a partner that is more successful, more ambitious and of higher social status than themselves.

 

If a woman is just an average Jane, the world is full of Slightly Above Average Joe's and they have a good market share to choose from.

 

For an exceptional woman like the OP it becomes a real challenge.

 

People want what they want and its not really fair for others to tell them to settle or to aim low.

 

It's one thing if someone's criteria is completely unrealistic such as a 300lb welfare mother with 5 illegitimate kids from different fathers that hasn't used a toothbrush in a couple years holding out to hook up with tall, handsome, buff, never married Hollywood producer.

 

But the OP hasn't stated any pie-in-the-sky wish lists here. She is simply looking for someone of her general age bracket that is as active and motivated as she is that won't be put off by her level of activity and interests.

 

That is not unrealistic or far fetched. Challenging yes, but not unrealistic.

 

Shrug.

 

At first read it does sound like there is a degree of hubris there.

[CarrieT]

@CarrieT and @MrLucky I knew I'd get flak for this post and that's ok.

The people who are really in my life know I do my best to be a kind, giving and compassionate person and that neither money nor looks really matter very much to me, and strangers on the internet who've never met me can think what they like.

The only reason I mention looks is because it's relevant to the discussion. And if people constantly tell you how beautiful you are, then you know it, regardless of the value you give it.

 

I actually wasn't commenting as much on looks - which are subjective because we can't see you - but the comment you made from the get go, "I seem to be too much for most men" is very telling how you see yourself.

 

In that regard, perhaps because you deem yourself "too much for most men," you are projecting something that is creating a scenario which keeps you from attracting the type of man you want.

 

I'll be honest; I was that type of woman as well (multiple degrees, self-made wealthy business owner, natural F-cup breasts, hobnobbed with the literati of the culinary world, published author, artwork in galleries around the world) and I couldn't find a man to "measured up."

 

Just say'n...

[Mr. Lucky]

To the people who commented on the post honestly looking to help me, I sincerely do thank you.

 

Many, many thanks to those who have responded to me without judgment.

 

You're simply illustrating my point. Trying to help you see the flaws in your approach is neither an insincere attempt to help you nor an unnecessarily judgemental response.

 

I'm not sure how you think only considering the feedback that agrees with what you want to hear is going to help you. But if you're so inclined, I'll bow out and leave the comments to others. Hope you find what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I am in my 40's and am naturally slim, but I don't want to climb a mountain. I like to relax in a hot tub like oldshirt said, lol. It's difficult to find a fit-looking guy in my age range who doesn't want to climb a mountain.

[PegNosePete]

Carmen, when I was dating I met someone who sounds very much like you.

 

She was very attractive, active, intelligent, had a great career and lots of exciting hobbies. Loved to travel, play sports, etc. On paper she sounded awesome and a perfect match for me since I'd use most of the adjectives above to describe myself too (well maybe all except the very attractive part!!!).

 

We arranged to meet in a pub, and when I got there she was sitting at a corner table wearing a sharp suit, with a glass of red wine, doing Mandarin lessons on her iPad. It was one of the worst dates I had. I'm sure she was a nice lady and we had many things in common, but the whole thing was like an interview from start to finish. It's like she was interrogating me to find out if I met her standards. Now maybe I did meet her standards and maybe I didn't, but the way she was probing me wasn't inviting or warm, and made me think she was jaded and had a chip on her shoulder. I didn't feel I could be myself around her, and that put me off big time. I didn't have a fun evening and neither did she. We didn't meet again.

 

Maybe you're doing something similar? Being so concerned with whether they are good enough, that you put them off before you even find out?

[jaskiegs]

Well, my first instinct was to ask for your number, but that's not appropriate so... The best mates, imo, are the ones that are friends first. If what you say about yourself is true, I can pretty much guarantee you that there is already a man in your life that is close to in love with you but you don't notice because he's too shy and you don't consider him dating material.

 

Examine your friend zone. Then ask yourself why someone in the zone is not more than that. After you open yourself up to the possibility, you might be surprised by what you find.

 

And if not, message me... I'll be your huckleberry ?