Am I his rebound? Always talks about his ex.

[32yofemale]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. I met him a month after he left a 5 year relationship and we started dating 2 months later.

A month after we started dating, he told me that his ex found out he was dating me and called him to say terrible things about me. She doesn't even have any idea who I am. He told me that what she said was so bad that he didn't want to tell me what it was.

I took it upon myself to contact her via fb and put her in her place. My boyfriend flipped out on me for contacting her.

Throughout our relationship, he mentions her name a lot. Things they have done together, etc. He says she'll always be in his life, that he loves her, they were best friends for 5 years, and she's never done anything wrong to him.

I'm very uncomfortable with that after she called him talking about me and starting drama.

During a fight, he said he wants to be friends with her. That he should be allowed to talk to her and hang out with her.

During another fight, he added her to his fb just to get to me.

I was very busy and unable to use my birthday certificate to a restaurant. He said if I don't go he's going to ask his ex because it's her favorite restaurant. Later down the road he said he didn't even ask her.

And the final straw was during another argument last week, when he said he misses his ex when we fight. Ever since then I cannot get close to him again. I haven't let him stay the night or done anything intimate with him.

He swears he is in love with me, always tells me he loves me and shows lots of affection, brings me around his family, and says if he wanted her he would have her back, and says he can't walk away from me.

Ever since we've been dating he's wanted to be with me every night and do everything with me.

Am I a rebound?

Should I stick around or run?

I'm so hurt and lost.

I really appreciate your replies in advance!

[JS84]

Well first I'm not sure why you contacted her to begin with. Like you said she didn't know you and you didn't know her. Why inject yourself into something like that at all?? Let her say anything she wants about you what difference does it make??

 

As for the rest, I have no idea why you'd even be in a relationship like that. You're CLEARLY a rebound and it's clearly his ex he cares about. Not you. And how the hell do you "Love" someone after 5 months of dating??? Especially when they can't shut the hell up about their ex?? You need to toss that dude to the curb.

[elaine567]

A rebound is a relationship in which one of the participants has not got over their ex.

YOU are in a rebound relationship no question.

 

For a new relationship of just 5 months, there is also whole lot of drama here.

Fighting about this, fighting about that.

That is not "love".

Walk away.

[PegNosePete]

I met him a month after he left a 5 year relationship and we started dating 2 months later.

Red flag number 1. It's very unlikely he is ready to date again, 3 months after leaving a 5 year relationship.

 

A month after we started dating, he told me that his ex found out he was dating me and called him to say terrible things about me.

Red flag number 2. He did not tell her to mind her own %$£&$£ business.

 

He told me that what she said was so bad that he didn't want to tell me what it was.

Red flag number 3. He kept listening to bad things about you rather than hanging up on her or blocking her or whatever.

 

My boyfriend flipped out on me for contacting her.

Red flag number 4. It was probably a bad idea for you to contact her (it's his job to put his ex in her place, not yours) but his reaction is worrying.

 

He says she'll always be in his life, that he loves her

Red flag 5, and BAIL BAIL BAIL.

 

You are most certainly a rebound I'm afraid. He has admitted to your face that he is still in love with his ex. You need to BAIL from this terrible relationship. So many fights in the first 5 months. That is not right.

[Satu]

Rebound.

 

He feels more for her than he does for you.

 

Eject.

[d0nnivain]

Total rebound.

 

 

You however were wrong in contacting her, via FB or any other means. Who are you to put her in her place? The better course would have been to remind your BF that his EX GF never met you & had no basis to form an opinion. The fact that she was carrying on should have made her come off as the psycho; instead your actions call your sanity into Q.

 

 

The minute you realized he still cared about her feelings & /or was talking to her, it was time for you to bow out gracefully. Your decision to try to fight for a man who wasn't really yours is questionable at best.

 

 

End this relationship now & take some time to digest what you should have learned from this.

[writergal]

I agree with everyone else here that you are definitely in a rebound relationship. Between your actions contacting the ex girlfriend and your boyfriend's responses during your arguments, this sounds like a very toxic relationship.

[sandylee1]

He's obviously still hooked on her.

 

Don't be second choice

It's not cool that he and the ex are talking about you

He's talking of taking her out to the restaurant

 

Then he says he'll always love her

That he wants to be friends with her

 

You don't need anyone to tell you he's not over her. Save yourself the heartache and end it.

 

If he asks why...give him all the examples you've told us..then ask if you spoke about an EX like this....what would he think?

 

He misses her so much so why did they break up?

 

It's only a matter of time before they sleep together. Infidelity is so rampant and when they clearly still have feelings for each other....You're asking for trouble.

 

Plus he got mad that you contacted her after she bad mouthed you.....he's basically more concerned with her feelings above yours.

 

Don't invest any more time if it's a serious relationship you want. The ex will always be there and you don't need that.

[OldRover]

I'll take the opposite to most posts....

 

Sure, it's a rebound, but he may really want out, and never go back... we don't know the reasons, (but you should).

 

Try to determine why the last relationship failed, and what the chances are of a reconnect. Then decide if he's worth waiting for.

 

Obviously, there is a reasonably strong connection between you and him, and you certainly may be his rebound, but as time goes on, if you really care about each other your relationship will grow and his old one will fade. BTDT.

 

Now you should have honesty with him. As for his friendship with her, set some parameters and limits that are reasonable, like not dating, no alone time with her, just occasional talk, FB or email (that's open to you).

[Vercetti]

I was ready to date the day of seperation of a 13 year marriage. Think I was telling girl dated a month later how I would always love and have the ex in a lawsuit with as part of my life. No, told her I don't do friends with ex's, have no contact with anyone related to them. Distance from ex was key in starting something.g new. I got crazy text from ex, showed them to my now wife...blocked ex and got new phone. My wife and I even made and followed through with plans to move to a new city.

 

Anyhow fresh out of relationship does not always equal rebound. Just your boyfriend is still in love with ex...wth.....and he forthright states such to you. Wow, rebound and clueless.

[qubist]

99% you are a rebound but, it doesn't necessary mean that it won't work.

simply tell him your concerns, tell him to make a definite choice . tell him that if he wants you he will have to end ALL kind of relationship with her

[OldRover]

I was ready to date the day of seperation of a 13 year marriage. Think I was telling girl dated a month later how I would always love and have the ex in a lawsuit with as part of my life. No, told her I don't do friends with ex's, have no contact with anyone related to them. Distance from ex was key in starting something.g new. I got crazy text from ex, showed them to my now wife...blocked ex and got new phone. My wife and I even made and followed through with plans to move to a new city.

 

Anyhow fresh out of relationship does not always equal rebound. Just your boyfriend is still in love with ex...wth.....and he forthright states such to you. Wow, rebound and clueless.

 

 

Vercetti,

 

Ya never really know what works in these situations.... hope yours worked out well.

 

For me, I never hated my wife and no intention of not relating to her somewhat.... I had no problem talking, emailing and dealing with things, but not dating. I also had no problem with helping her with things around her house. We were not enemies, and we parted friends. My GF would have NOTHING of the kind and I had to not see her at all, and limit my communication to only business. I didn't like that, but did exactly what the GF wanted and respected her choice.

 

Some can separate and remain friends and some cannot. I rarely burn bridges.

[Vercetti]

Vercetti,

 

Ya never really know what works in these situations.... hope yours worked out well.

 

For me, I never hated my wife and no intention of not relating to her somewhat.... I had no problem talking, emailing and dealing with things, but not dating. I also had no problem with helping her with things around her house. We were not enemies, and we parted friends. My GF would have NOTHING of the kind and I had to not see her at all, and limit my communication to only business. I didn't like that, but did exactly what the GF wanted and respected her choice.

 

Some can separate and remain friends and some cannot. I rarely burn bridges.

 

 

Just wanted to express to op those fresh out of relationships can move on without rebounding. Normally I defend against the rebound, just the ops boyfriend struck me as a over the top example of a real classic rebound.

 

As for my ex, she burned the bridge. There is nothing I can do for a gaslighting pill head. My limited interaction lead to the same thing, me talking to everyone I know to confirm I wasn't crazy from her mountains of spin and conterdictions...that could happen in a few scentences. When saw her true nature, was beyond tolerance. Add the fact She went back to school to beet a major in pshylogy...no thanks

[32yofemale]

Ok everyone. Here is an update. I decided to have a talk with him. He gave me a really hard time and refused to take his ex out of his life for a while in order to work on us. As I explained my feelings and was about to walk away, he said he would do it but he felt really bad telling her he can't talk to her bc she never did anything wrong to him.

I asked him to call while I was next to him to ensure that he did it. He refused. So I ended up just taking his word for it. I told him I don't want to put him in a situation where he'll have animosity toward me or to where he wants to go behind my back. He assured me that wasn't the case. He said he wants to dedicate himself to our relationship and he would do whatever it takes.

I gave it another try. Because love is blind and I'm an idiot.

We were at the beach 2 days ago when I found out through mutual friends he'd been seeing his ex behind my back. He admitted to seeing her twice. He said last month he wanted crablegs, I wasn't talking to him, and he knew she'd go so he took her. He said that another time, on his birthday night, she called stranded and he picked her and her friends up and took them to their cars.

He had been blatantly lying to me and telling me he hadn't seen her or talked to her.

Now he's saying he felt really bad, that we were fighting and/or broken up when he saw her (which is his way of justifying it) and when he dedicated himself to our relationship last week that he cut ties with her and all he wants to do is work on us.

Today he left a gift and card at my door.

There's no trust anymore. He betrayed me. He lied. And now he's begging to have me back. Saying that he loves me and if he wanted her he would be with her.

I deserve so much better. I've never felt so hurt, as I've never been flat out betrayed by anyone I dated.

I'm not sure what lesson to take from this. To never date a man who still cares for his ex?

Never been so confused.

[JS84]

There's nothing confusing about your situation. And your 2nd post, if anything, makes the situation even LESS confusing. You need to dump the guy period. You've been dating 5 months, not 5 years. You need to learn from this experience, cut your losses before you invest anymore time in this guy and wind up being even more hurt, and move on for good. Stop talking to him, stop taking his calls, tell him it's over and be done with it.

 

Sorry you had to go through this but please have some self-respect and don't allow yourself to be treated that way. Your boyfriend is clearly a liar and a cheater. Stop trying to figure him out, he's not that complicated. He's just your average run of the mill loser. That's it.

[Vercetti]

Lol if she never did anything wrong, why is she a ex. Why don't they live together, why not living life as a team, why not married. To much drama from this guy op. She might have been his first relationship being this hung up. Or he is to clueless to simply focus on the real girl in frount of him...why pine for fantasy when have a girl things haven't gone sour with i don't know. His loss.

[Winterina]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/543303-i-lied-my-girlfriend-repeatedly-can-she-ever-trust-me

You can read my story OP, posted by my bf and I answered at some point too.

 

People like that never change. They will promise they will change, they will maybe even honestly want to change, they will do the sweetest things to make up for their screw ups, but they will never change. It is a matter of character and that is something that builds in the early childhood. Hard to do anything about it now.

 

He might break the contact with her indeed but you will always know it was you that forced it out of him, that he did not do it because he was mature enough to know that it is not a healthy thing for his new relationship, that he did not do it because you and your feelings were more important...

 

Better go through pain of break up now and move on asap than go through all the doubts, end up working hard on fixing the relationship rather than enjoying in it, etc... You will regret staying with him.... This is a typical story and I am sure there is more to come. When one issue is over another one will emerge...and so on.

 

Before my current relationship I had fallen in love with someone who constantly mentioned his ex and was in touch with her, just to tell me a few month into the relationship how he is not over her yet. That was the last time we were together because I broke it off right away and I am so happy I did. Nobody needs a ghosts of some ex and ex relationship hanging over your head...

 

As someone pointed out, if she did nothing wrong to him, and they are such great friends, why is he not with her? My guess is that she dumped him for something he did to her and now he is regretting his actions. He cannot be with her any more. Maybe he lied or cheated...

 

Bottom line, do not be anyone's second choice!!

[OldRover]

I might disagree a bit....

 

The OP has only been dating this guy for 5 months and the ex was 5 years....

 

We don't know the reason for the break up.

 

If I were the OP, and liked the guy, I'd work with it for awhile, and see where it goes. Sure, if he's not over her, that's and issue, but most people will eventually get over an ex. The goal is to find out his true feelings and where he's really headed.

 

If his goal is to get back with the ex, then I could argue to leave him. If his goal is to forget her, but remain friends, that "may" work, but if you get serious and the old friendship gets in the way, then I'd bail.

 

Too soon and not enough info at this point.

[Space Ritual]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/543303-i-lied-my-girlfriend-repeatedly-can-she-ever-trust-me

You can read my story OP, posted by my bf and I answered at some point too.

 

People like that never change. They will promise they will change, they will maybe even honestly want to change, they will do the sweetest things to make up for their screw ups, but they will never change. It is a matter of character and that is something that builds in the early childhood. Hard to do anything about it now.

 

He might break the contact with her indeed but you will always know it was you that forced it out of him, that he did not do it because he was mature enough to know that it is not a healthy thing for his new relationship, that he did not do it because you and your feelings were more important...

 

Better go through pain of break up now and move on asap than go through all the doubts, end up working hard on fixing the relationship rather than enjoying in it, etc... You will regret staying with him.... This is a typical story and I am sure there is more to come. When one issue is over another one will emerge...and so on.

 

Before my current relationship I had fallen in love with someone who constantly mentioned his ex and was in touch with her, just to tell me a few month into the relationship how he is not over her yet. That was the last time we were together because I broke it off right away and I am so happy I did. Nobody needs a ghosts of some ex and ex relationship hanging over your head...

 

As someone pointed out, if she did nothing wrong to him, and they are such great friends, why is he not with her? My guess is that she dumped him for something he did to her and now he is regretting his actions. He cannot be with her any more. Maybe he lied or cheated...

 

Bottom line, do not be anyone's second choice!!

 

 

An excellent reply! I am in total agreement. You just can't win with people who are not over their last relationship.

[Joaquin]

These kinda relationships tend to suck you in a bit. Each time they do something iffy you double up your emotional investment hoping it'll come right.

 

You don't want quit it too soon as you see potential, and it's not easy to find someone you click with. By the same token, you don't want to be emotionally ruined by the person either.

 

I've learned that healthy relationships don't cause such utterly unnecessary emotional distress.

 

Overall you stuck around with this guy too long but got away from this somewhere in the middle. You know you gave it a good go, but you didn't stick around until he (fully)cheated on you and possibly left you for the ex, which would have been truly awful.

[OldRover]

An excellent reply! I am in total agreement. You just can't win with people who are not over their last relationship.

 

But people DO get over their old partner, and if you're there in a solid relationship, he'll probably stay. In this situation, I'd not give up yet. If the very first post is true, there's a lot of potential to make it work.

 

I know of a few that were rebounds and as time went on they became permanent, because they offered things that the old ex just couldn't. Sometimes, it hard. And, if I just broke up with someone, I'd spend little time hanging around doing nothing... I'd be out meeting people, at least breaking the ice a bit. Ya never know.

[Vercetti]

But people DO get over their old partner, and if you're there in a solid relationship, he'll probably stay. In this situation, I'd not give up yet. If the very first post is true, there's a lot of potential to make it work.

 

I know of a few that were rebounds and as time went on they became permanent, because they offered things that the old ex just couldn't. Sometimes, it hard. And, if I just broke up with someone, I'd spend little time hanging around doing nothing... I'd be out meeting people, at least breaking the ice a bit. Ya never know.

 

Potential for what, one day will stop emotionally being roughshod with current girlfriend. Crap like if you don't go with me to my ex's favorite hang out, I'll ask my ex out. That's lose lose for the op. It's not her job to help him get over something he doesn't want to get over. What one day he will love her cause of the pine for ex support. Sorry but being in completion with a fantasy ghost is a no win. He wasn't married, there are no kids, .it's not like they built a real life and have material ties to sort. He is being a clueless spoiled drama filled cry baby.

[OldRover]

Potential for what, one day will stop emotionally being roughshod with current girlfriend. Crap like if you don't go with me to my ex's favorite hang out, I'll ask my ex out. That's lose lose for the op. It's not her job to help him get over something he doesn't want to get over. What one day he will love her cause of the pine for ex support. Sorry but being in completion with a fantasy ghost is a no win. He wasn't married, there are no kids, .it's not like they built a real life and have material ties to sort. He is being a clueless spoiled drama filled cry baby.

 

We'll just disagree on this one... I've gone thru the rebound situation twice, and it worked out just fine.... People DO get over their ex....

[melodymatters]

Potential for what, one day will stop emotionally being roughshod with current girlfriend. Crap like if you don't go with me to my ex's favorite hang out, I'll ask my ex out. That's lose lose for the op. It's not her job to help him get over something he doesn't want to get over. What one day he will love her cause of the pine for ex support. Sorry but being in completion with a fantasy ghost is a no win. He wasn't married, there are no kids, .it's not like they built a real life and have material ties to sort. He is being a clueless spoiled drama filled cry baby.

 

THIS !!!

 

And Vercetti has lived it, moved on quickly after a 13 yr marriage and would never have treated his new girl like the OP's guy is treating her.

 

I concur. I would never have put up with it for an hour so I can't relate, but I notice when you DEMAND respect, from anyone: friends, family or lovers, you get it. Or you walk. Those are the only two options to keep your sanity intact.

 

I too wonder why they aren't breeding in their dream home with their monogrammed towels if everything was so spiffy ?

 

I would be very cool and casual and simply express that this stuff doesn't work for me, good luck with your ex or a new girl that wants to deal with it and if he REALLY loves you, he'll apologize and try win you back, not with gifts, but by cutting nearly all ties with his ex. Good luck !

[confuzed23]

RUN for the hills !!