I posted a few months back

[TreadingLightly]

I was very conflicted and confused about my MM. He had been telling me his marriage was awful, going to end "someday" but scared about his relationship with his kids. And unwilling to leave because in part I was unwilling to marry right away and give up my retirement. Or so he said.

Well, apparently he had a lightbulb moment, and he told his W this weekend it was over and they are now hammering out the details of their divorce. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. He will be moving into my house in a few weeks and we are discussing financial details. He has backed off of marriage since the money talks have started, and I am convinced he gets it now, that we will both be better off if there is a delay.

So what else do I need to know here? I am aware that this will be a rough year for both of us, and that at this point the kids are honestly the most important issue. I don't want those three little people scarred by this.

[lemondrop21]

From what I've seen, there are few resources out there for people in this situation where the MM is actually leaving (because it's rare I suppose) but there's a book called Will He Really Leave Her For Me? by Rona B. Subotnik that has a chapter or two about handling the situation if he does leave. Obviously just one person's opinion, but I found the book helpful with my own journey (though MM is not leaving in my case).

 

I think I recall the book saying that living apart for awhile, instead of him moving in with you, would be helpful, to give him some time and space for the grieving process that he will go through. And there should be a grieving process, no matter how bad the marriage was.

 

I'm not speaking from experience, but my instinct is also that this would be helpful for the children also. Instead of forcing them to adjust to the two of you together immediately, they can take it in small steps.

 

If it were me, I would be torn about this because I'd be afraid that if I told MM to live on his own at first, he wouldn't leave. I think the last time he lived alone was over 15 years ago and I don't know if he would be strong enough to do it. But then I would think, do I want a marriage to a grown man who is too afraid to live on his own and deal with his own pain, when I am perfectly capable of living alone and have done so multiple times?

[ShatteredHearts]

I would be very hesitant and cautious, as I went through pretty much the same thing a few weeks ago. If he just told her this past weekend, it's only been a few days. Emotions are running high and he definitely needs time to clear his head and think. I agree with the PP, he needs to live on his own for awhile, grieve and learn to be ok by himself. Essentially he's jumping from one relationship to another and that's not good.

 

Another reason i would caution against moving in right away together is because of the children. I don't know how long they've been married, how old the kids are, etc..but regardless they will hurt. My ex and I separated over a year ago and I still have my boys in therapy. They are better, but it is a huge adjustment. The kids will need time as well, as their lives are about to be flipped upside down. I strongly feel that him establishing his own residency and setting up a routine with them will definitely help the process.

 

I wish you luck, but I also caution you to stay guarded. This is still fresh and new, and a lot can change in a matter of days. Give him time and space, he will be going thru tremendous ups and downs in the coming weeks. You do NOT want to be the rebound relationship. You also do not want him to end up resenting you. I don't know the semantics of their relationship, but it could get ugly as the details are hammered out, and he could be slapped upside the head with a hard dose of reality, when it comes to finances and the kids.

 

I realize every situation is different, but I had a similar experience a few weeks ago and unfortunately for me, it blew up in my face. My ExMM had a lightbulb moment as well, ended things and came to me, saying he wanted to be with me, this was our chance. Everything was great for a few days, then reality hit and he did a 180. Mine wasn't even living at home, he's had his own place for awhile.

I went from thinking we were legit going to work, to not talking to him at all. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, which is why I stress to please, please be careful. It will be a long, hard journey.

[anika99]

If the kids are the most important consideration then you will not let the MM move in with you. How do you think it's not going to impact them in a negative way to see daddy leaving home and moving in with the OW virtually overnight? Divorce is hard on kids in the best of circumstances and forcing this living arrangement on them on top of their home breaking up sounds kind of heartless to me.

 

The MM needs a place where his kids can come and visit him for overnights without having to share his time or space with you. I think if he moves in with you the chances of you two succeeding will be very slim. Depending on the ages of his kids they are most likely going to dislike you and dislike visiting him at your your house. The MM needs to man up and put his children first, now more than ever, and get his own place.

[usernametaken]

I was very conflicted and confused about my MM. He had been telling me his marriage was awful, going to end "someday" but scared about his relationship with his kids. And unwilling to leave because in part I was unwilling to marry right away and give up my retirement. Or so he said.

Well, apparently he had a lightbulb moment, and he told his W this weekend it was over and they are now hammering out the details of their divorce. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. He will be moving into my house in a few weeks and we are discussing financial details. He has backed off of marriage since the money talks have started, and I am convinced he gets it now, that we will both be better off if there is a delay.

So what else do I need to know here? I am aware that this will be a rough year for both of us, and that at this point the kids are honestly the most important issue. I don't want those three little people scarred by this.

 

First, please understand that he may not leave, or he may leave and go back. It's happened to many people on this board (including me - he moved out for a few months and moved back, etc... though he's now divorced and well past all that drama) and it's a hard pill to swallow for everyone involved.

 

If he does leave, it's important that you two take it slowly and not live together immediately. He needs time to adjust to the divorce, and there will be days where it will make him miserable and he will need his space - otherwise he will resent you. And his children are going to be angry, and this won't help either.

 

He may beg and plead against it, but the space is needed. If he's not strong enough to leave on his own without you as a landing space, odds are you're not going to succeed as a couple. Don't be scared to hold your ground on this one.

[amomwhoknows]

Do not let this man move in with you. Make him get his own place, figure out things with his kids, get his finances in order.

 

Guarantee you, if he is telling you the truth, that she will be meeting with an attorney this week and things are going to get intense and expensive for him.

[whichwayisup]

I was very conflicted and confused about my MM. He had been telling me his marriage was awful, going to end "someday" but scared about his relationship with his kids. And unwilling to leave because in part I was unwilling to marry right away and give up my retirement. Or so he said.

Well, apparently he had a lightbulb moment, and he told his W this weekend it was over and they are now hammering out the details of their divorce. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. He will be moving into my house in a few weeks and we are discussing financial details. He has backed off of marriage since the money talks have started, and I am convinced he gets it now, that we will both be better off if there is a delay.

So what else do I need to know here? I am aware that this will be a rough year for both of us, and that at this point the kids are honestly the most important issue. I don't want those three little people scarred by this.

 

Why allow him to move in with you so quickly? Tell him to rent a place and you two 'date' rather than move in and expect a ring on your finger soon.

 

He does have kids to consider, he still has to grieve his marriage, he has A LOT of changes to cope with and adjust to. Friends, inlaws, neighbours, other family, all of which he has to talk to and let them know he's divorcing and cope with the fallout. How can he begin a new life with you (move in) and expect this all to work out? TAKE IT SLOW. Do this in steps, not full on fast with him moving into your house.

 

Do you even have proof that this is happening? Does his wife know about you and the affair, that he is moving in with you? Will his kids accept this? My guess is NO WAY.

[ShatteredLady]

At some point this week he's got to sit down & explain to his children that he's ripping their world apart. What's he going to tell them? "Daddy has fallen in love with another lady. He's leaving Mummy to be with this woman. She's going to be your step mother. I will always love you but if you want to see me you've got to leave your sobbing Mummy & come play house with the woman who did this."

 

You say that the kids are your priority. Really think about this is going to go down. It's not a fantasy. Are his parents/family coming to your house to learn about the affair & divorce? How do you picture next week with him all settled in?

 

Really. Please! The way you guys handle the next few months can effect his children for the rest of their lives. There are respectful ways to do this. Please.

[Susmay]

I was very conflicted and confused about my MM. He had been telling me his marriage was awful, going to end "someday" but scared about his relationship with his kids. And unwilling to leave because in part I was unwilling to marry right away and give up my retirement. Or so he said.

Well, apparently he had a lightbulb moment, and he told his W this weekend it was over and they are now hammering out the details of their divorce. I'm equal parts excited and terrified. He will be moving into my house in a few weeks and we are discussing financial details. He has backed off of marriage since the money talks have started, and I am convinced he gets it now, that we will both be better off if there is a delay.

So what else do I need to know here? I am aware that this will be a rough year for both of us, and that at this point the kids are honestly the most important issue. I don't want those three little people scarred by this.

 

The bolded above make it almost sounds as if he and his wife are behaving in a civilised manner, sorting out their marriage breakup. Forgive me for being skeptical but does his wife know the reason for him leaving? That he's now in a relationship with you and moving in with you?

 

If so congratulations to them, for being so adult about it. If not then he's completely gaslighting her in an utterly despicable manner. I would guess if she does find out or come to realise he's been in an affair with you, then things will not go smoothly.

[Starbright78]

Good luck, I hope it all works out. Be careful though, I agree with the other posters... I'd be leery of him moving in with you so quick.

[clam]

Recipe for disaster if he moves in to your place mere weeks after leaving his wife. His kids WILL be severely traumatized.