laelithia Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Hi Everyone, I've been giving my most recent break up a lot of thought, and I've come to a realization that I no longer can ignore. No matter the reason, no matter how hard to deny it, I truly don't think I will get over this particular person. I've been through break ups before, some long (6.5 years), some short (2 months), but through all of them, I knew eventually I would get over it and be a stronger person for it. However, with this recent one, I don't believe in my heart of hearts that I will ever truly move on. I can picture myself on my wedding day, to someone else, thinking of this person. The hardest part about that is I cannot express in words why this person is so special to me. I found myself feeling true joy when I was around him, and I never tired of his presence. Even now, he has decided to end our relationship, I still wish for him to be happy. Part of the reason I have not tried to get him back is that I know at this present time, it wouldn't be the best thing for him. He has a lot of work to do to begin to heal some of the emotional wounds of his past, and I understand now what he meant about not being able to handle a relationship. That makes it harder, though, because he tried for me. We had been on and off in the past, again due to his emotional issues, but I truly felt special to him. This last go, he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, a huge step for him. I met his friends, family (even extended), and he truly invited me into his life. He confided in me, he was vulnerable, and he tried to be selfless with me, something he has always struggled with. Oddly enough, it wasn't until he became more emotionally vulnerable that he could not longer seem to be physically intimate with me (a clear sign of emotional and intimacy issues). What gets me the most is even though all of this was going on inside his head, he tried. And I can't help but be angry with myself for not being more patient, and meeting him where he was at. I pushed him to speak about his feelings when that's akin to asking a baby just learning how to walk to run a marathon. He tried for me, and although it failed, I can't forget that. I miss him dearly as a partner, but even more as a dear friend (if that's even the right word for us). Deep down, in my heart of hearts, I don't think I will ever feel the same for another human being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Honey565 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Everybody feels that way "i will never recover from this" and "i will never get over this person". But the truth is that a healthy human being recovers from everything and gets over everybody, eventually. Somebody needs more or less time, and who doesn't, seeks for professional help, but make it. It is just how we are designed. We forget what is bad. When something or somebody is not in your focus, focus moves. It will take time, but eventually new things replace old ones and then you remember old in some mist, like it happened to somebody else and not you. Think about events from high school. Don't obsess yourself with when you will make it, it will just happen and you will realize that you are over. Try to stay on right way and go day by day. There is life without everybody...there is just not life without you. Remember that 4 Link to post Share on other sites
keebee Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You're not alone in feeling this way. When I was w/ my ex-husband, I thought our love was so complete that I could never feel that way for anyone again. I thought that if something happened to our relationship--which I never expected--I wouldn't be able to survive it. Then he told me he wanted a divorce, and somehow, I did survive it. And I moved on. And I got my heart broken again. And through all of it, I started to learn to love myself and to be stronger. It's a hard way to become stronger, but you will. But you do have to believe and tell yourself that you CAN get over it and you WANT to get over it. If you don't get over that particular emotional hurdle, then it doesn't matter how much time heals--you won't be able to benefit from it. There is someone out there for you. Someone who *is already* ready for a relationship, and will want to open up to you, to share with you, to fully invite you into his life without you having to guide him through each step of the process. And it will feel 1,000 times better than you ever felt with him <3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pillowpuffs Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) I know exactly how you feel and it terrifies me too. I think it's part of why the breakup is so hard to deal with because I keep thinking, he was my person and I don't think I'm going to find anyone/anything like what I had. I know people will put that down to us being in pain and not presently knowing any better but I don't know... I get that exact feeling that you described above, perhaps on my wedding day I will have him in my mind and perhaps I'd be wishing it would have worked out with him. Edited August 18, 2015 by pillowpuffs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I know the feeling. Four months BU (a little over two months NC) and I am starting to get terrified that the feeling that he was "it" for me will never go away. I was feeling much better for awhile but I am starting to realize that "he was my person." I really understand what you mean. And unlike the movies (the notebook comes to mind), there ain't no happy ending to this one. My ex moved across the country and is surrounded by new people (girls ugh) and is definitely not thinking about me but I am here still pining for him. I fear I will always wonder what could have been and just settle for someone who at least comes close to what I saw/admired in him. Tough but the show must go on, I guess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Deep down, in my heart of hearts, I don't think I will ever feel the same for another human being. Sorry that you're hurting, but: If you keep telling yourself that you can't and you won't, you'll find that you can't and you won't. Life is never about just one person. Life isn't meant to be about just one person. The sooner you learn that the better. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pillowpuffs Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Sorry that you're hurting, but: If you keep telling yourself that you can't and you won't, you'll find that you can't and you won't. Life is never about just one person. Life isn't meant to be about just one person. The sooner you learn that the better. You're right. My mom has warned me that if I/anyone facing a breakup continues on thinking this way, it could just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would say my thoughts are not 100% like that. There are moments where not getting over him feels like a very real possibility but there are also moments where I know I have to get over him and move on with my life because you should never let one person have so much power over you (when they couldn't care less themselves). But like OP said, these thoughts that we have; it's the truth that we hate to admit. Either way, fingers crossed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 *But like OP said, these thoughts that we have; it's the truth that we hate to admit. Either way, fingers crossed. Its only true if you make it true. Here's a little snippet from my journal: "If you feel OK: You look at the past, and the past looks OK. If you feel bad: You look at the past, and the past looks bad. If you feel OK: You imagine the future, and the future looks OK. If you feel bad: You imagine the future, and the future looks bad. What that means, is that you have to find ways of making yourself feel OK in the present, so that you can have a past and future that look OK to you. One way of looking at things, is to look at life as consisting of frustrations and satisfactions. You have frustrations in your life, and some of them can't be made to go away. So what you have to do is add satisfactions: Do things that make you feel good. Go to places that make you feel good. Associate with people who make you feel good. Read books that make you feel good. Listen to music that makes you feel good. Do exercise that makes you feel good. Watch movies that make you feel good. And so on, and so on, and so on. Build a list of things that make you feel good and do them, because thats how you build a beautiful future." Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
unsaved Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 This may be a dumb question: If you're on your wedding day and thinking about another guy, why would you be getting married?? Yikes. All of these thoughts you are having are just thoughts in this particular moment. You miss him. As of right now, no one else has come along yet who you fancy more. These thoughts about him will most certainly fade. He will fade out of your memory. In a few weeks, months, years you'll come back to this website and crack up at that comment you made. Because it's just absolutely absurd. And, if you're still not over him years down the road, that's because you chose to continue to keep him in your life and pine over him. Keep moving forward! Get out there and meet someone who doesn't sound so emotionally immature! There are tons of great guys who don't suck out there! (Or so I keep telling myself). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Heatherknows Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 So what you have to do is add satisfactions: Do things that make you feel good. Go to places that make you feel good. Associate with people who make you feel good. Read books that make you feel good. Listen to music that makes you feel good. Do exercise that makes you feel good. Watch movies that make you feel good. And so on, and so on, and so on. I dub your quote "The Happiness Recipe." Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I know how much it hurts when you love someone and they have gone. I know you are still 'bonded' to him at some level. When you are, you will find yourself trying to explain his 'issues'. He has chosen not to be with you. No man who really loved you and felt as strongly as you do about him would have done that. Whatever his issues are, he is very mixed up. Some guys are just attracted to others and so they cannot be faithful or stay in the same relationship. It may be the case with this guy. Or it could be that he doesn't want commitment. No amount of trying to work round, understand or compensate for this is going to work or make you happy. You should not have to compromise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RogerWallace111 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I can relate to the feeling. Time passes, you do all the proactive sh*t you should be doing, the days start flowing by without the heaviest despair- but you feel like what you had with them was too unique to be replaced. Find myself there from time to time. But beyond just fruitlessly reminding yourself there are plenty of fish in the sea, it's good to look at it in super-distilled terms. There absolutely are thousands of other men you could feel as strongly bonded to and could have an equal love for. They may even be one in, say, 50,000. But that still means there's 60,000 on the planet. I think the "truth" you're coming to, though your mind frames it differently, is that finding someone to whom you feel an equal or greater gravity toward will likely take a lot of time, good fortune and patience. And that should you not give yourself ample opportunity to find said person, yes, you may always hold some flame in your heart for your ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 But what about those that have tried for years, have been more than patient..yet still come up short?...And empty handed? I'm beginning to think there may not be someone for everyone....And that some of us will just have to accept this sad fact and go it alone. What do you do when all the hope runs out and all that's left is the reality of being alone, and lonely, left with all the memories of failed past relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Thank you everyone for your feedback, it's helped. Tonight though I am so angry because my ex is currently at our friend's birthday party that I wasn't invited to and I'm heartbroken. We were friends before we dated and he admitted after the BU that he had doubts we would work out when he asked me to be his gf. I'm so angry that now things have ended, I'm losing all these great friends that I've known for 2+ years because he selfishly decided to play house and date me and then decide he'd rather be single. His little experiment has cost me so much, while he's having a blast as though I never existed. I tried so hard to make things worth with him, I was understanding and patient, and always tried to help him. He has done no such thing for me and now I'm left to pick up the pieces while he's out having the time of his life Link to post Share on other sites
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