Found out her PA was her past partner

[naisu]

Dear LoveShack,

 

I have been a silent reader all these while. Today, I really felt uneasy about information I recently found out. I really need to seek your advice.

 

I am currently in a relationship with a woman twice my age who has been divorced 3 – 4 years ago and have two teenage daughters. She runs two business where she is needed to travel a lot. To sum it up, she’s an alpha.

 

We met two years ago through social media, we met in person and later was introduced to her daughters and family friends. She is the aggressive type and I find her very attractive. We became friends, we talked almost every day and I think our friendship is just platonic. Until one day she made a move on me just to confirm whether I have feelings for her which I did.

 

She also have a personal assistant who drives her around, cooks for them at home and also travels with her for work or with the family during vacation. As time pass, I’ve noticed her PA gave me a negative vibe, even one of her daughter told me that he dislike my presence. I understand that because all these while he has been taking care of them and when I came into their picture he was left out bit by bit over the years. I became involved with her daughters, we travelled together as a family.

 

Not many people know I have this relationship with her except my family and close friends. I also receive speculations that she her PA was her partner. I confronted her politely and she told me to ignore that and doesn’t care if she’s being judged that way.

 

There are also times where I brought her PA into our topic, she was defensive in a way and I never dare to speak about it again. In my mind, the PA is just an employee who has been serving her for many years but what I don’t understand is why would one just hate my presence and I have to be one considerate of his feelings and she has to go defensive when we touched that topic about PA. I remember she told me that, she really needs him.

 

So back then I had a suspicious feeling that, they had a relationship before but I put it aside and focus what we have together. It is like a missing puzzle to connect other pieces.

 

Last night, she travelled again with her PA for business trip and one of her daughter (J) had arguments with her mother before she left. I had a pep talk with J and she kept ranting about how she’s broken due to her broken family plus she lashes out the partners her mother had after the divorce and before me. I was shocked to know that her PA was one of the partner.

 

I really don’t know what to do. I know that is her past before I knew her. This is like the missing puzzle that connects the other pieces. When I think back about her actions, her PA’s actions… they’re connected. I really can’t shake this nausea and heavy chest feeling off me. I dare not to confront her. I know I couldn’t get what I want to hear from her but most importantly, I fear the relationship between her n J could go worse.

 

Please advise…

[JS84]

Break up with her.

[road]

She dumps PA or you dump her if you want her that much.

 

 

If it was me I would just dump her.

[lolablue17]

Sorry, what exactly the problem? The fact that she didn't tell you that she had had something with her PA in the past?

[d0nnivain]

Stupid Q 1st. What's a PA?

 

 

I get that somebody she used to be romantically involved with is still in her life & possibly her employee. You can ask her to fire this person but she probably can't. She would be firing him based on his gender which is illegal in most places & would then open herself to a sexual discrimination lawsuit. It's the real down side of sleeping with subordinates; they have you by the short hairs once the affair is over

 

 

If you don't like his presence you can always remove yourself from the situation.

[Yummm]

Stupid Q 1st. What's a PA?

 

Personal Assistant (similar to secretary)

[Davey L]

Personal Assistant (similar to secretary)

 

Wider range of duties than secretary. But not normally as wide as OP is concerned about here.

 

I personally wouldn't be happy with a relationship like the one OP has.

[Spectre]

Sorry, what exactly the problem? The fact that she didn't tell you that she had had something with her PA in the past?

 

I'm feeling very confused as to why you had to ask what the problem is...and then you kind of point it out. As if the whole "lied and her personal assistant who apparently travels with her everywhere used to date her" is some little thing that is no big?

 

So here is the thing: Nope, just nope, to all that, if that is what you feel. Though if that isn't what you feel your "what is the problem" is EVEN MORE confusing. But yeah, no..this guy just needs to dump her. Not worth it. Even the daughter knows this chick is shady.

[sandylee1]

It seems you're dating a woman who is a bit dominant and very independent.

 

So she could be sleeping with him on these trips quite easily and you'd be none the wiser.

 

Without meaning to disrespect you, are you just in the relationship to pass time? Do you want to get married? Have a family one day?

Because if you do, she's not the one for you.

 

She's a businesswoman who can bag a much younger man and she won't be questioned by you. It's not a balanced relationship and she holds the power.

 

If you can't speak to your GF about this then you should just end it.

[Sweet Workaholic]

She cannot take business trips and involve her family with her prior lover. Not acceptable.

 

It might be *conceivably* acceptable if she had told you about it. Not telling you, and then refusing to talk to you about it is beyond unacceptable.

 

If you stay with her she is going to use you up, run over you and then dump you. She is someone who uses people rather than loving them.

 

As an aside, if her daughter feels this way about her .... take a hint.

[naisu]

Thanks. I really appreciate all of your honest opinion.

 

Yes, I had this suspicion that she had something with her PA. I tried to confront her a couple of times which led to arguments. I even suggested to confront her PA to iron things out if I ever offended him in some way. She didn't think its a good idea. I agreed because I don't want to jeopardize her recently set up Food Take Out Stall as he is the cook there. She did share with me as well that he hand in his resignation letter and she urgently needs to find a new cook. I know deep down she needs him. Till to date her PA is still the cook and only a temporary cook will replace him if they're out for business trip. I didn't think that far yet back then, I just put it aside and focus what we're having because we spend time together everyday. And I never dare to bring up his name because she would get sensitive about it.

 

Her daughter, J is 16 years old, during her rants, she always touch the topic about the divorce of her parents and blames the divorce that made her who she is today. Whenever, she starts talking about her mother's past after her divorce.. I stopped her. I know I cannot handle it. Until few nights ago, she just lashed it all out on me. After her divorce, she was with her PA then another guy then me. J wanted me to know this for a reason. She wants me to know about her mother.

 

We were hasty and only know each other's surface when we started off, we did think of the consequences but we choose to ignore it. We also have our ups and downs yet we still choose to hang on to it. It has been two years that we've been together. I developed bonds towards her daughters and whenever her mother is out for business trip, I make sure they're well taken care of.

 

I hate to admit that I'm having doubts about our relationship after what I heard from J. If they really have love interest and what they might be doing overseas... I don't know what to feel anymore. I do care and love her as much as her daughters and I don't think I can confront her now... she's away on her business trip. After her return, she has to undergo surgery on removing her thyroid and need to make sure her daughters are settled down in their new school this end of August.

 

I really need to be calm about this, I need to make sure when I find the opportunity to confront her this issue. Hopefully, she would open up and tell me the truth about why she has been so defensive/ sensitive when I touch the topic about her PA. That's all I want to know from her...

[Vercetti]

You're only worried a bout the pa. Need to be more worried about what sort of woman she is. I don't think you're on the same page with sex and relationships. It's not normal for a girl to jump a guys bones to see if he likes her, that's a different game. The one she played with ex's, her pa she NEEDS, her children she warped, and now you. She has even kept you and the pa seperate with mind games, she doesn't want you compairing notes. She has the same consideration for you as everyone else in her life....NONE.

[qubist]

You're only worried a bout the pa. Need to be more worried about what sort of woman she is. I don't think you're on the same page with sex and relationships. It's not normal for a girl to jump a guys bones to see if he likes her, that's a different game. The one she played with ex's, her pa she NEEDS, her children she warped, and now you. She has even kept you and the pa seperate with mind games, she doesn't want you compairing notes. She has the same consideration for you as everyone else in her life....NONE.

I agree with this 100%. you should be worried if she is good for you. she is an aggressive woman an ALPHA FEMALE that wants to dominate, that's what explains her rection when you question her. the PA is mad at you because he was replaced by you and he can't do nothing about it.

[Sweet Workaholic]

I agree with this 100%. you should be worried if she is good for you. she is an aggressive woman an ALPHA FEMALE that wants to dominate, that's what explains her rection when you question her. the PA is mad at you because he was replaced by you and he can't do nothing about it.

 

I wish you the best if you decide to have it out with her. I can't predict the future but I suspect at some point she'll replace you as she did her

[Sweet Workaholic]

* as she did her PA

[Spectre]

She needs surgery soon you said, I'd dump her before then. Don't get stuck feeling like you now can't say anything until she heals and that you need to take care of her, etc. Don't let her make an even bigger fool of you.

 

The bottom line is she has no way to prove she did not cheat with this guy, but the thing is..does it even matter? Even if she didn't cheat..she still lies and still carries on inappropriate relationships with men she used to bang. Even if she says "oh I did not cheat, but I will totally get rid of this guy" that STILL tells us nothing, because I am sure you are thinking "if she was truly cheating she wouldn't be so quick to get rid of him" but ah..no, not necessarily. She could just see this as "well, had my fun..I'll end this until my next affair, this will be a good way to make him think I can be trusted".

 

I'd just cut your losses because she has handled this in a way that literally nothing she says or does will truly make any difference. This is why I'd never be in a relationship with someone who takes frequent business trips. Far too easy to cheat and hide it and then when confronted fall back onto the argument of "oh I'm just an independent working woman you can't say I can't do this". Am I saying everyone who goes on business trips a lot cheats? No, just saying that I personally do not find the risk worth it.

 

Oh and one more thing? I 100% guarantee you that this woman will lie to you when confronted and say her daughter just said those things out of anger to get back at her. I'd confront the PA actually, make it seem like you already know, trip him up into confessing.

Edited August 21, 2015 by Spectre