Narcissistic Abuse

[turnera]

The Authoritative Parenting style works well in most such cases as you describe, Taramere. "You're free to rage; I won't control you. I will, however, dole out the resulting consequence if you cross the line. It's up to you to decide if you want to pay the 'fine' for doing it."

[SpiralOut]

 

 

 

I think anybody who finds themselves in that role (either willingly, because they've taken on a job that involves helping people who have anger management problems - or in an involuntary way because somebody with an anger problem has decided to use them in that way) is well advised to learn how to assert themselves in the face of some of that "it's okay to vent it all out - that's what those people are here for...to take it" thinking.

 

 

I partly left my last job because I worked closely with two people who think like that, and management didn't care enough to do something. It didn't really matter what I said or did. Nothing stopped them from using others as a punching bag. The best I could do was discourage them from it so they did it less often. This one girl chose targets and took turns picking on them. At one point she starting fights completely unprovoked with this man. She literally followed him down the hall to do it. He left the company and instructed his other colleague "don't give my number to her." Sure enough, the girl asked for his number and became angry that he did not want her to have it. She complained about it for months.

Edited November 11, 2015 by SpiralOut

[Taramere]

I partly left my last job because I worked closely with two people who think like that, and management didn't care enough to do something. It didn't really matter what I said or did. Nothing stopped them from using others as a punching bag. The best I could do was discourage them from it so they did it less often. This one girl chose targets and took turns picking on them. At one point she starting fights completely unprovoked with this man. She literally followed him down the hall to do it. He left the company and instructed his other colleague "don't give my number to her." Sure enough, the girl asked for his number and became angry that he did not want her to have it. She complained about it for months.

 

That's completely stalkerish. Did she have some sort of infatuation with him?

 

For management to do nothing in a situation makes you wonder how a company like that even survives.

[SpiralOut]

That's completely stalkerish. Did she have some sort of infatuation with him?

 

For management to do nothing in a situation makes you wonder how a company like that even survives.

 

I don't know all the details of the situation but I know at first they were friends and she overshared information about her love life with him. Then he started to like her (I think?) and he started talking about her being his girlfriend. I have no clue if he was joking or being serious. She got pissed off about that, and complained about it, but I think that she secretly enjoyed it. Then after a while he avoided talking to her completely and he minded his own business. That's when she started seeking him out in order to insult him. I think she enjoyed the attention and when he stopped giving her any, she tried to get it back.

 

 

Yes, the company has a bad reputation. There have been rumours for years about how it is going out of business....but it never does. Most of the people there are super stressed out, angry, and while I know it's not right to call someone crazy I cannot help but think that some of them are crazy.

[Taramere]

Has anyone here been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and successfully recovered? I've had several of these relationships in my life. First being my dad and briefly dating, obsessing and getting dumped by men who are in this category. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

You can tell a narcissistic man by his tendency to tell lots of outlandish anecdotes. They might be lies, or they might be strange stories that put him in a bad light - but whatever they are, they will all share one thing in common. They are designed to attract attention.

 

Narcissistic men gravitate towards women who give them that attention. They will "reward" women who respond to them in a credulous and admiring way. It's an empty sort of reward system, but if you were raised by a narcissistic father they it probably feels better than rejection.

 

Embrace your bullsh*t detector. Use it. A narcissistic man will punish you with coldness, ridicule, accusations of jealousy etc for using it....but if you learn to brush that off, and you will almost certainly stop attracting narcissistic men into your life. The question is, of course, whether you really want to. Only you know the answer to that.

[Taramere]

Yes, the company has a bad reputation. There have been rumours for years about how it is going out of business....but it never does. Most of the people there are super stressed out, angry, and while I know it's not right to call someone crazy I cannot help but think that some of them are crazy.

 

Dysfunctional workplaces tend to breed temporary (or even lasting, if it's really bad) dysfunction in the people who are working in them. I remember going for an interview with a company that was very obviously dysfunctional. The questions they were asking me were pretty f*cked up, and amounted to "can you handle working in this toxic environment?"

 

Eventually I said outright that I was getting the impression, from the interview, that there were various problems involving office politics that they didn't seem invested in trying to address effectively - and that on that basis, it didn't sound like a company I would want to work for. The agency that sent me along to the interview was not happy with me for that, but it was worth giving that response just to see the looks on the interviewers' faces.

[Heatherknows]

That's completely stalkerish. Did she have some sort of infatuation with him?

 

For management to do nothing in a situation makes you wonder how a company like that even survives.

 

She sounds dangerous. That man may want to take out an Order of Protection against her.

[Heatherknows]

You can tell a narcissistic man by his tendency to tell lots of outlandish anecdotes. They might be lies, or they might be strange stories that put him in a bad light - but whatever they are, they will all share one thing in common. They are designed to attract attention.

 

Narcissistic men gravitate towards women who give them that attention. They will "reward" women who respond to them in a credulous and admiring way. It's an empty sort of reward system, but if you were raised by a narcissistic father they it probably feels better than rejection.

 

Embrace your bullsh*t detector. Use it. A narcissistic man will punish you with coldness, ridicule, accusations of jealousy etc for using it....but if you learn to brush that off, and you will almost certainly stop attracting narcissistic men into your life. The question is, of course, whether you really want to. Only you know the answer to that.

 

This pretty much describes the online relationship I had with the OM. IRL I doubt if I'd fall victim to this type of behavior. I can't feel sorry for myself since I was betraying my marriage by conversing with this man, so it's sort of is karma. Sometimes the pain of real life struggles provokes me to seek a pleasurable escape so I can say "this is why living is good."

 

Thank God for my dog.

[turnera]

Dysfunctional workplaces tend to breed temporary (or even lasting, if it's really bad) dysfunction in the people who are working in them. I remember going for an interview with a company that was very obviously dysfunctional. The questions they were asking me were pretty f*cked up, and amounted to "can you handle working in this toxic environment?"

 

Eventually I said outright that I was getting the impression, from the interview, that there were various problems involving office politics that they didn't seem invested in trying to address effectively - and that on that basis, it didn't sound like a company I would want to work for. The agency that sent me along to the interview was not happy with me for that, but it was worth giving that response just to see the looks on the interviewers' faces.

I just got set up today for an interview and the staffing person told me that when I meet with the person, if he asks me some weird questions, she wants me to redirect the interview by asking him to explain how these questions relate to the job I'm applying for. So he has a reputation...Got me wondering if I even want to interview...

[Taramere]

I just got set up today for an interview and the staffing person told me that when I meet with the person, if he asks me some weird questions, she wants me to redirect the interview by asking him to explain how these questions relate to the job I'm applying for. So he has a reputation...Got me wondering if I even want to interview...

 

Yeah. I was surprised by the interview I mentioned, as it was with a big company. I've temped for large companies before, and they're usually pretty good - but with this one (the interview was a few years back) there were clearly problems with the company. I've heard bad things about it since then.

 

I suppose it depends on how good the job is, and whether this man is somebody you'd be working with regularly. In my case, the woman who was one of the interviewers was keen to know how I'd deal with abrasive and rude colleagues. I gave a fairly non-committal answer to that one, and asked what she was looking for, from the person she took on, in terms of dealing with that sort of thing. She said something along the lines of "somebody with fire who would fight their corner.

 

I remember thinking to myself "I'm not leaving this interview without letting this woman know how poorly she's represented herself and her company." Though I didn't put it quite as bluntly as that, obviously.

[SpiralOut]

Can anyone here relate to this.... I have mixed feelings about parenthood. One day I think it might be nice to have a kid, the next day I feel angry about it. One minute I hate children, the next minute I feel sorry for them and want to hurt the parents who treat their kids badly. Mostly, I feel angry at people who like children. I wonder what is wrong with them. Yes, I know that sounds horrible.

 

 

I guess some part of me doesn't want to be like my mother, so that means not being a mother myself. She also loves kids a lot (even though she abused me!! ha ha!) so I hate the idea of ever loving kids. She tried really hard to make me like kids so maybe some part of me is still rebelling. I want to like kids, but I don't want to. I've been trying to get over these feelings, since people around me are becoming families and I don't want to ditch friends just because they had a baby. Also my partner wants kids and I don't know if I do or not. My self-help book doesn't talk about this at all.

Edited December 4, 2015 by SpiralOut

[truthtripper]

Can anyone here relate to this.... I have mixed feelings about parenthood. One day I think it might be nice to have a kid, the next day I feel angry about it. One minute I hate children, the next minute I feel sorry for them and want to hurt the parents who treat their kids badly. Mostly, I feel angry at people who like children. I wonder what is wrong with them. Yes, I know that sounds horrible.

 

 

I guess some part of me doesn't want to be like my mother, so that means not being a mother myself. She also loves kids a lot (even though she abused me!! ha ha!) so I hate the idea of ever loving kids. She tried really hard to make me like kids so maybe some part of me is still rebelling. I want to like kids, but I don't want to. I've been trying to get over these feelings, since people around me are becoming families and I don't want to ditch friends just because they had a baby. Also my partner wants kids and I don't know if I do or not. My self-help book doesn't talk about this at all.

If you're not sure about having kids, don't have them. Children are not objects like cars and houses which you should own, because other people have them.

[SpiralOut]

If you're not sure about having kids, don't have them. Children are not objects like cars and houses which you should own, because other people have them.

 

I agree completely. I'm just wondering if anyone else has conflicted feelings about parenthood as a result of their own upbringing. I'm sure as hell not having kids right now.

[Heatherknows]

FYI - I found a cool guided meditation on youtube:

 

 

I suffer from both depression and anxiety and I've noticed meditation and exercise work for me better than talk therapy.

[turnera]

I wanted NOTHING to do with kids. We were married 10 years before we had our kid. I wasn't even all that attached to her at first, I was so ambivalent.

 

But, of course, as you see all the time, once that baby arrives and your whole world has to turn upside down to be responsible for them, something inside you just clicks, and your whole life will never be the same. And you can't imagine life without kids.

[NewLeaf512]

FYI - I found a cool guided meditation on youtube:

 

 

I suffer from both depression and anxiety and I've noticed meditation and exercise work for me better than talk therapy.

 

This is great. Thank you.

[Buddhist]

I suffer from both depression and anxiety and I've noticed meditation and exercise work for me better than talk therapy.

 

Same here. Therapists fees are a waste of time and a waste of energy too. I can ruminate over my problems at home all day for free.... I don't need someone collecting $200 ph in the same room with me.

 

Few things are as soothing to me as spending time in nature and just letting the thought train go for an hour or two. A lot of what goes on in my brain is just counter productive crap. It's worthwhile to switch that off.

[truthtripper]

FYI - I found a cool guided meditation on youtube:

 

 

I suffer from both depression and anxiety and I've noticed meditation and exercise work for me better than talk therapy.

Yeh, I've had too many negative experiences with therapists, eg. asking me the same questions at every visit, therapists forgetting appointments, therapists falling asleep, therapists retraumatising me with judgemental comments like "you're taking too long to heal", "I don't believe you were really abused" etc.

 

I also am doing much better with physical therapy/meditation.

[turnera]

IDK, my two therapists were amazing. All my improvement was due to them.

[Buddhist]

IDK, my two therapists were amazing. All my improvement was due to them.

 

The trick is, finding one who is....

 

- Not an abuser themselves. You'd be amazed how many disordered personalities choose to work in the healing professions.

- Has an effective toolkit for passing on. Just rehashing the past endlessly does not heal it, there has to be a set of tools for moving past it too.

 

Unfortunately the cost of trying someone out can become exorbitant if you go through a bunch of bad ones, plus it can be difficult to tell who is a good therapist or not until you've spent significant money. My last therapist was free thankfully and while she was not particularly great at getting to the heart the issues, she did put me onto two books which have changed my life.

 

I'm kind of beyond the stage of needing to be validated and needing to be told I was abused though. Some people still need that before they can start to heal. But once you get there, then what becomes really important is having an effective process to step through as each challenge comes.

[truthtripper]

The trick is, finding one who is....

You'd be amazed how many disordered personalities choose to work in the healing professions.

.

So true. Even the best therapist out of the fifteen or so I have seen, had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. She was always in a huff and standoffish before and after every appointment, but once she sat in her therapist's chair she would instantly transform into a caring, empathic person.

[salparadise]

Same here. Therapists fees are a waste of time and a waste of energy too. I can ruminate over my problems at home all day for free.... I don't need someone collecting $200 ph in the same room with me.

 

It's unfortunate that you feel that you can't benefit from therapy. Have you seriously questioned that belief? The way you present it gives me the impression that you may be resistant or sabotaging. If a person is open and ready to do the work, tackle their issues, therapy with a qualified practitioner is likely to be positive and beneficial. If you think paying your money while rolling your eyes and expressing cynicism is going to get the job done, yea, it will be a waste of your time and theirs. And you'll be taking up space that someone else could benefit from.

 

Therapy is indeed beneficial to most people who embrace the process. It can release people from dysfunctional patterns and traumatic histories. It can transform lives. Discounting the potential of therapy this way provides a lot more insight into your mentality than the mental health professions.

 

I guess it's possible that you had a therapist that you didn't click with, but you're not qualifying it to your personal experience- you're making sweeping generalizations.

[truthtripper]

It's unfortunate that you feel that you can't benefit from therapy. Have you seriously questioned that belief? The way you present it gives me the impression that you may be resistant or sabotaging. If a person is open and ready to do the work, tackle their issues, therapy with a qualified practitioner is likely to be positive and beneficial. If you think paying your money while rolling your eyes and expressing cynicism is going to get the job done, yea, it will be a waste of your time and theirs. And you'll be taking up space that someone else could benefit from.

 

Therapy is indeed beneficial to most people who embrace the process. It can release people from dysfunctional patterns and traumatic histories. It can transform lives. Discounting the potential of therapy this way provides a lot more insight into your mentality than the mental health professions.

 

I guess it's possible that you had a therapist that you didn't click with, but you're not qualifying it to your personal experience- you're making sweeping generalizations.

Over the last ten years I've met many people in support groups(for people who have been abused in childhood). It's actually a common theme among us to have troubles with therapists. I often hear reports of therapists' inappropriate comments which are hurtful and reabusive for clients. It seems many therapists are incompetent in their profession in that they are not practiced enough in their own self-awareness. They can study all they want, but it cannot make up for lack of the latter.

 

The more work a therapist does on themselves, the more understanding and sensitive they can be towards their clients' needs, the less you will hear people complaining about therapy.

[Harvey84]

My ex gf was a narcissist and the two years I was with her I was totally blindsided by it.

All the red flags were there too, making you feel special and there soulmate at the beginning and withdrawing emotion and affection when she knew I had fallen in love with her. Couldn't take and sort of constructive criticism, even well I approached her with caution (because I knew she might blow up) and would only put effort in when she felt like it. Lack of empathy and even her small number of mates and family kept there distance from her.

I ended things in December only for her to want to meet to fix things. Silly me went along and she was all over me saying how much she misses me and I was the love of her life. 3 weeks later she wanted to see less of each other and I told her she needs to listen to what I want and compromise, that's a realationships work. I got a bye bye text and never heard from her again. No closure no explanation, blocked on everything and 2 years gone like that.

I've read that this is what a narcissist will do so it will hurt you and give you no closure.

It's been nearly 7 weeks and I still feel hurt and upset by this. A girl I told everyday how much I loved her and cared for discarded me like a bit of dirt with a bye bye text.