Male friend issues

[PixieAmelia]

Hello, I am a strapping young female college student in dire need of some advice from some experienced forumers.

 

I've always had quite a few male friends, and know that, with the exception of my best friend who is gay (the only gay one of my friends), some have probably been interested in me at some point until they realized that I probably was not for them. I know they are most likely only "just friends" now because they keep the friendships into more group-oriented, casual sort of interactions. I am happy that that is the way it is because I enjoy the ability to be "just friends" with guys.

 

However, as someone who's been in the position a few times, it's fairly easy to tell if a guy friend wants more, right? I ask tentatively because of a strange (well, not really THAT strange) situation I am finding myself in. Myself and my best straight male friend have been friends for quite a number of years (7 I think) but in the past year or so he's been acting in a way that leads me to believe he may be wanting something more. I am hesitant to believe this because I have found myself (after much denying of the fact to myself) to be feeling somewhat the same and thus am prone to believe I am simply being delusional every time he does something that warrants me thinking he might feel the same. We go to the same college and come from the same hometown.

 

I'll try to be as honest as I can about his actions so you get a real picture (as real as possible in an online forum) as to how he is behaving.

 

He asks me out to eat a lot, just the two of us. He does not always pick up the tab, but he has a few times. He's also offered other times but I have refused (I hate feeling like I owe people money). Most often though, we eat somewhere and pay our seperate bills. It just alarms me because he wants to do this 2-3 times a week. He's also made dinner for me at his place on occasion. While in school we also ate lunch on campus together 3-4 times a week, he would walk me to class sometimes or wait for me after class to walk together to the next one. He talks to me online a lot and calls me quite a bit (I do not call him much). On the rare occasions that we do not talk or see each other for 2-3 days, I get a call to talk because "we've not talked in a long while". He always holds open the doors etc. etc. but this guy is a gentleman and does that for anyone with ovaries so that is not a distinguishing factor for me. He is not the flirty type, and is not naturally touchy-feely, but on occasion he has flirted and been a little touchy-feely. I am NOT touchy-feely though I wish I could be to maybe encourage him some...I don't know. He looks into my eyes a lot when we talk, (to the point that I am wierded out even if I like him..or because i like him...) and I catch him looking at me a lot in groups even if I am not talking or doing anything. Anyway, my mom (oh, those all-knowing mothers!!) told me this guy is in love with me and always gives me a teasing look if I'm saying I'm going to his house (we are home from college for the summer now). I try to see how he acts around other girls to assess if maybe he's one of those guys who is always sweet to girls, and although he is always very nice and gentlemanly, he never flirts with them or is the way he is with them to me. Maybe it's because I'm his only close female friend, maybe he'd be like that to any girl he was good friends with, maybe not.

 

I think the other friends in the group, his main set of guy friends, (including my best friend!!) may know something though, like he's told them or something. We all went on a group trip to a concert and even though there were 8 of us somehow it was logical that we had to share a hotel room...jokes included from one of the dumber members of the group. Of course nothing happened, I'm not going to have sex or even kiss with someone I'm not dating, and I know he shares those views as well (he's said so). But at times I feel like they're all trying to set us up somehow, or maybe i'm just reading too much into it... I've never said to anyone how I've felt because I only recently am coming to terms with it myself...I'm not a very girly-girl so I never blab about guys or chase them or anything...I like sports and video games and books like my guy friends so that is what I spend my time doing. I still LOOK and dress female, just don't act itso much, and romance with men has never really been a center to my life..but since I like this guy I think and wonder what's going on a lot.

 

no, he's never asked me out "officially" or made a move, and maybe he would have after all this time. I mean, it's entirealy possible that he only sees me as a friend, and I don't want to assume otherwise but I'm a bit at a loss of what to do. I don't show my feelings for him other than talking to him when he calls and going out with him when he wants, I find it hard to call him (though I do sometimes) and instigate hanging out (though I have done that a couple of times) and I am scared ****less to flirt when I have no idea how he feels. I've tried to maybe touch his arm in conversation or something not too over-the-top but even that was hard (though I did it) I guess I am shyer around guys than I'd like to admit...I've had boyfriends before and once all that is established I'm fine, I guess it's this fine line between friends and more that baffles me.

 

I've rambled for a while, I'll wait for some input from people. What do you all think? Is he into me? Not into me? What's a shy girl that runs with the guys supposed to do to convey her feelings? Just boldly say something? HELP!

[Artscrafter]

I'd say there's a decent chance that he's into you. But he's probably feeling something of the same dilemma that you are, namely that the two of you have been friends for 7 years and that's a lot to risk by trying to take it to the next level. I'd guess that he's trying to show interest in you but is waiting for some kind of cue back before he officially asks to start daing you. People will be cautious like that, especially if they're kind of shy.

 

Here's the thing. We guys are really bad at picking up on subtle signals. So any of those random things you could do to hint that you're potentially interested in him too may or may not work. If you can bring yourself to do it, you could try the direct approach. It could go one of two ways.

 

PixieAmelia: You know, you've been spending a lot of time with me lately, taking me to dinner and so on. Is this your way of saying you want to date me? Cause if you are, I'm good with that.

LongTimeFriend: Really? That's great! I'd been trying to figure out how to bring it up without risking our friendship, but now it's all out in the open and settled on! Thank you!

 

Or, if it doesn't work out that way...

 

PixieAmelia: You know, you've been spending a lot of time with me lately, taking me to dinner and so on. Is this your way of saying you want to date me? Cause if you are, I'm good with that.

LongTimeFriend: Um, no, that's not what I meant out of this...

PixieAmelia: Really? Then it sounds like all of our friends have entirely the wrong idea!

LongTimeFriend: Funny how life works sometimes, isn't it?

(They both laugh.)

Epilogue: And they remained good friends, without that underlying degree of tense uncertainty.

 

That one isn't as likely as the first, in my opinion. I don't know the guy very well so I couldn't say for sure, but there's a third possibility:

 

PixieAmelia: You know, you've been spending a lot of time with me lately, taking me to dinner and so on. Is this your way of saying you want to date me? Cause if you are, I'm good with that.

LongTimeFriend: Huh. I actually hadn't thought of that way, but now that you mention it, could we?

 

Yeah, something like one of those.

[PixieAmelia]

Thanks Arts for your reply.

 

He's a smart guy but I agree that he probably would not pick up on any subtle hints...to me they're obvious but he'd probably barely notice. I know he liked me in the past, too, and his behavior now kinda mirrors what it was then. Actually, it's almost more forthcoming than then now that I think on it. I guess I'd have to bite the bullet and say something.... Geez two shy people trying to instigate anything has got to be the utterly most frustrating thing in the universe. At least if my intuitions are wrong I can move on. So, uh....how do I say something to him?

[SuperFantastico]

Why not just ask him. Ya ya i know, dont wanna get rejected, dont want to ruin the friendship blah blah blah.

If you like him put the moves on him or something. Perhaps hes just shy or thinks you dont like him because you dont really reciprocate when he trys to put the moves on you. Women are horrible like that.

[Artscrafter]

Originally posted by PixieAmelia

Geez two shy people trying to instigate anything has got to be the utterly most frustrating thing in the universe.

This one made me chuckle. I know exactly how you feel, since that was about what I was thinking several weeks ago when I was trying to get with my now-gf. (My thread is on this board here somewhere.) But if I'm at all the norm for shy guys, your friend will likely be very appreciative and affectionate once he finds out that his advances are welcomed.

 

Best of luck to you!

[PixieAmelia]

Originally posted by SuperFantastico

Why not just ask him. Ya ya i know, dont wanna get rejected, dont want to ruin the friendship blah blah blah.

If you like him put the moves on him or something. Perhaps hes just shy or thinks you dont like him because you dont really reciprocate when he trys to put the moves on you. Women are horrible like that.

 

Heh, I try not to be horrible...it's not like I'm trying to "play" the guy or anything which what happens a lot. I don't know just noticing myself....how often he is around and does things for me and wants to see me...every single other time I have seen a guy be that attached to a girl whom he was "best friends" with he always liked her. My gut intuition says that I won't be rejected if I say anything but it doesn't make me any less of a chicken, either. But he's definitely more forthcoming than me because I guess if he thought about the things I did other than getting him a very expensive birthday gift and the like how could he tell? It's just hard too to think of a good situation to bring something like that up...especially now that we're at home and parents and siblings are around a lot (not to mentin hometown friends). Oh well I'd like to try to show some interest...what are things I could do that a guy would pick up on?

[PixieAmelia]

Originally posted by Artscrafter

This one made me chuckle. I know exactly how you feel, since that was about what I was thinking several weeks ago when I was trying to get with my now-gf. (My thread is on this board here somewhere.) But if I'm at all the norm for shy guys, your friend will likely be very appreciative and affectionate once he finds out that his advances are welcomed.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks I am going to find your thread maybe it can help me some...

[HoldOn]

I haven't read this whole, but I just want to say that guys are CLUELESS when it comes to picking up clues. I knew my bf for 6 years before we started dating. I was always flirting with him (I thought!).

 

He finally asked me out because I told my friend to suggest it to him, and say that I probably would say yes. (and she pretended I had no idea that she was talking to him)We've now been dating 1.5 years and I ask him if he had any idea that I liked him before. He said no, he had no clue. And he's a VERY smart guy.

 

So... I think you need to be more obvious.

 

You could try asking one of your friends to ask him for you. I know that's very childish, but it worked for me, and then you don't have to take the heat if he is freaked out!

 

You could also try making him jealous by going out with another guy.

 

Also, I think you are too available to him. I mean you go out with him 2-3 times a week! Whoa. He sees no reason to take any action, since he thinks you'll always be around for him. Turn him down a couple times, try to get him to realize what he's missing.

[Marshbear]

Guys usually don't spend lots of time with a girl if their not interested. I would say that he is interested and possibly likes you a whole lot but, like you, doesn't know how to proceed since you have been friends for so long. One of you has to make that step. Since you are the one asking it probably should be you.

 

I agree that guys are very dense on picking up hints from girls. You need to spell it out to them ( because they are afraid of rejection also ). Make it easy for him. I would gibe him a hypothetical. Say, "I know this guy who I like but we have been friends for a long time and I don't know how to tell him I'm interested (You could even say the 7 years that you have known him). If you knew a girl that was a friend for a long time how would you go about telling her you were interested?

 

You two can discuss how you would go about this and make your comments specific to him. He should get the hint and either respond or if he backs off then you know he's not interested.

[Artscrafter]

You could also try making him jealous by going out with another guy.

Ummm... You've got to be really careful with this one in your situation. While this can sometimes work, it's really risky if you've been friends with the guy you're interested in for a long time and he's really shy.

 

Shy = making the move doesn't come easily, so he might give up if there's suddenly another guy.

Friends for a long time = something to fall back on, so he might give up if there's suddenly another guy.

 

Trust me on this (perspective of shy male again.) If the thing that's holding him back is that he can't bring himself to make the move, dating another guy will just make it harder for him.

[PixieAmelia]

Originally posted by Artscrafter

Ummm... You've got to be really careful with this one in your situation. While this can sometimes work, it's really risky if you've been friends with the guy you're interested in for a long time and he's really shy.

 

Shy = making the move doesn't come easily, so he might give up if there's suddenly another guy.

Friends for a long time = something to fall back on, so he might give up if there's suddenly another guy.

 

Trust me on this (perspective of shy male again.) If the thing that's holding him back is that he can't bring himself to make the move, dating another guy will just make it harder for him.

 

Yeah I agree, dating another guy isn't the answer. I wouldn't want to date another guy anyway, not fair to this guy I like or the other guy I'd be leading along. He usually seems a little upset anyway whenever another guy expresses interest (even if I do not return it) and he doesn't deserve to be hurt just to make him say something to me.

 

I'm trying to figure out a way to maybe bring something up, but the last few days have been hectic and I've only really seen him in groups....and I feel wierd just saying something on the phone when we talk...I'd rather it be in person. Oh well.

 

The more i look at things, the more I'm convinced that he feels the same way I do...I jjust need to figure out some way to get this all together once and for all.

[blind_otter]

Just talk about it.

 

I have a really close male friend (on here, I call him Sgt. Bosco, from the A-Team ) - we talk on the phone every day, we hang out often, and go out to dinner/lunch/movies a lot. But we're both overly analytical so we are always like, obviously there's chemistry but it would totally never work out.

 

So just have a convo.