rainshadow Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I learned long ago that you cant compete with porn. Doesnt matter what you do. Porn will ALWAYS win. You know why? Because the very fact that these actresses ARENT their wives is HOT in unto itself. Guy love it because its a strange woman they dont even know, yet, here they are naked and having sex. THATS WHY ITS SO HOT FOR ALOT OF MEN. The very fact that these ARENT their wives. Everyone has a grill at home, right? Ive had one for about 9 years. I still go to McDonalds once in a while. I'm here to tell a lot of you that porn WILL NOT always win. I have a very loving boyfriend who also has an issue with porn, but he is aware of the problem and dealing with it. He's discovered that looking at porn is about power, and your husband/boyfriend who is looking at it is filling a need by looking at it. For those who are addicted, it's more than just looking at naked women. It's true that men are more 'visual' when it comes to sex, and internet porn provides a safe and private realm for them to see whatever they want. HOWEVER, what makes me feel alright with my BF's issue is that he cares enough about me and the relationship to confront himself and his own insecurities by openly discussing it with counsellors and with me. Porn will only win if your partner feels that it has more power over them, and decides that his addiction is worth more than the woman he loves. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Yeah,...I AAAAGGGGRRREEEEE if its an addiction. If the guys calling in sick to work so he can flog it all day,..then, yeah. You should be more concerned of whats going on in his mind that porn would be more important than everything else in his life,...not why YOU dont get more attention than the porn. Theres bigger issues there. Link to post Share on other sites
rainshadow Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 True enough... I still don't want it in our relationship even if it isn't an addiction My boyfriend's porn doesn't really take precedence over his life; it's not like he's shutting himself out from the world and missing out on life in general - we go out together a lot. However, it's the fact that he's had difficulties stopping completely which is why we both perceive it as an issue. Personally, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with my partner looking at porn at all because if we ever have a family together, I don't want that stuff in the house and neither does he. it's different if you look at it together and maybe have your own sites or videos that you like. however, when one person is looking at it alone, then it begins to cause problems. internet porn is so addicting - it's like a drug so i think one has to be really cautious if you're looking solo. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 I remember there was a Dr. Phil show about pornography, and I was reading the message boards afterwards to find that they were full of posts by women who say their marriages were destroyed by pornography. I wouldn't be surprised if the prevalence of pornography is a a big part of the reason why over half of all marriages end in divorce. I'm willing to bet that half of the half of those marriages end in divorce because women insist on seeing 'addiction' where none exists. Funny how people will stay in marriages with drug addicts and drunks but if it's porn - off they go. If someone is an addiction, he needs help, and I'm fairly sure porn addiction is more easily and successfully treated than most others. IF people, rather than freaking out, would just deal with it as though it's any type of addiction, maybe there wouldn't be quite as many divorces. And in this manner, Dr. Phil with his 'no grey area' hardline, deserves blame, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Monday, I have to admit that your somewhat recent apathy and anger have made me like you a lot more. Your husband is a loser, but I really have faith that you'll find something better someday. Link to post Share on other sites
readysetgo Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Clearly scarly- your mistaking attraction with watching pornography. I think it is very human/ acceptable to admire or be attracted to other people. Sounds like the dude clearly has a problem with respecting his gf and her feelings and also a prob with porn. I think that you dont seem to have any prob with porn, but your again not her. Maybe if confronted with the situation you would feel differently. but she obviously has a big prob w/ it. My advice to her and I am speaking from experience is tell him it bothers you, if he eases off or stops great, more than likely he will just hide it and not make it apparent to you, if not get out of the relationship. It will just weigh you down. I dont think that the girl is asking or expecting more than she feels she deserves. And thats good she should stay true to herself. And she seems to know herself pretty well to know that this type of man is making her feel not so good. I just want her to know that she can find a man that will honor and respect her feelings, and she should never settle for less than the best for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 IMO viewing porn is fairly normal and its use varies according to need and there are likely problems with the relationship if one person is turning to porn more often than his/her partner for sex - desperate times calls for desperate measures. Originally posted by westernxer I've always felt that most women hate this not because it's senseless and degrading to other women, but simply because it involves watching other women, thus deflecting attention away from them. I feel that if there's anything diverting him away from you -- alcohol, drugs, other women, porn -- then you should take a hard look at what you aren't doing to get your man's attention. IMO, the women who see porn affecting their lives should ask their man what is it about porn that they enjoy so much, and what could they (the women) do to satisfy their needs the same way that porn does. Communication and compromise about sex is necessary and if that isn't working for you, then like the other posters said, what the hell are you still doing with that man. If you can't deal with the porn issue and work out a compromise, then you've got bigger communication issues than porn -- you're only using it as some kind of ultimatum because you feel that men are only driven by sex and so it's the only way to get his attention about other issues in your relationship. I guess some guys just don't know how to simplify their desires. Everybody's going to have different levels of desires and needs, whether you're a man or a woman. I think there are clearly enough female posters on this board as it is who don't have a problem with porn, and many of us do have greater sexual desires than our men. Originally posted by questioveritas I wouldn't be surprised if the prevalence of pornography is a a big part of the reason why over half of all marriages end in divorce. I disagree for the reasons stated above. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 I freely admit that there are times I would much rather read a book than spend time in the company of other people. One of the great things about a book is that you can pick it up and put it down as you please, and the book won't take offence. And Scarly's right in a sense. No matter how passive and undemanding a woman might be, she can't compete with porn. After all, when was the last time you saw a man on a crowded train passionately kissing and petting his copy of Hustler so that it will allow him to masturbate over it when he gets home? Link to post Share on other sites
midlifecrazy Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Just sit down and enjoy some porn with him making sure you make frequent and enthusiastic comments on how well endowed and attractive the male actors are. Link to post Share on other sites
snowhite Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 If this guy is NONstop looking at porn, then I can see your point to an extent. But if you are just mad at the porn in general, then I think i'ts you that has the problem. Unless you are the most beautiful woman in the world, you can admit that there are better looking women out there. So, are you saying that you'll be fine, so long as you make sure your husband never sees them? Your husband looks at attractive women in porn, as well as restaurants, grocery stores, malls, amusement parks, CHURCH, wherever. Just as you look at other men. Maybe you should BLOW HIS MIND one day and sit down and watch one WITH him. You don't REALLY think that your husband thinks YOU are the most beautiful woman in the world do you? If women get stimulated through emotional contact and men are stimulated through visual contact then it would be ok for woman to have their computers loaded with e-mails talking with men, WE ARE ALL VISUAL, woman use both sides of their brains and don't feel like sex is a spectator sport. They know looking at other men in a sexual manner takes away from the marriage. Any woman who says she's ok with it has either never been married or is married and is afraid of being alone. Misery loves company. Just because it's natural doesn't mean its morally right. It's natural for a baby to **** in his diaper until they're taught different. In marriage it's called respect and commitment. If you feel the need to look at someone else's crotch, maybe you shouldnt be married... Link to post Share on other sites
manoffaith Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 I am a guy and I think pornography is perverted and disgusting. When I am with my girl i give her the utmost respect and cherish her. Pornography can definately ruin good relationships. I dont understand why a guy would need or watch porn if they have a wife or girlfriend. Its sick. Women are to be treated like princesses and to be loved for who they are. If you love them and put them first and take care of things your sex life will be great. Its all about love not lust. Women are unique and God made them beautiful, they are a special gift to a man. So they should be treated with love and respect. mattys thoughts peace. Link to post Share on other sites
ButtonPusher Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 Women are unique and God made them beautiful, they are a special gift to a man. A gift to men???? Dude, if you said that to a feminist, she'd rip your balls off. Go back to the dark ages. Anyway, as for the porn issue, I too am a male and have no problem with people looking at porn, but what your bf is doing is wrong. Whacking off to porn while your single is fine, but for guys in a relationship, unless your jerking off together, in my mind it's tantamount to cheating. To all you people that think looking at porn while your in a relationship is fine, ask yourselves what your sad loser of a partner would do if one of those porn stars was in your house while you were out. Do you really think your hubby would keep his hands off her if she spread her legs for him??? Your partner has a problem and he either needs to give it up or you leave. Alternatively you could try secretly filming him while he's going at it, and then sending the video to his mates. Link to post Share on other sites
sburtug03 Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 lindya, I have just been reading the thread and I am so with you. Thanks for making it obvious that you have your head screwed on, that as a woman you respect yourself and that scarlyjones clearly possesses none of these traits! Loving your work hun, Samantha x Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBOYANGEL26 Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Look Scarlyjones I Have News For You I Dont Have Day Dreams About Other Men And I Know To Other Poeple Might Thing That I Don't Have The World's Greaest Looking Man Out There Or In The World But He Is To Me And I Know That I Ant No Porn Stars Looking Woman But I Do Relize There Fake And That They Had So Many Men That There Nasty But That Dont Change The Fact That The Outside Of There Body There Hot. But They Get Old And Ugly Just Like Everone Elsa.now I Dont Know What Your Problem Is But Your Way Of Tell Poeple That There Not No Match Up To A Porn Star Of Any One Elsa That May Be Hot I Dont Think That Is Fo You To Say You Don't Know What Is In Every Man Head Or Womans Head So Unlease You Know What Your Talking About I Wont Say Much Becouse You Are Just Show How Little You Really Know.oh By The Way I Know I Not The Smartest Person Out There I Just Know That Poeple Havee Feeling And That You Can't Take Your Anger Out On Other's And Hurt Someone . Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 lindya, I have just been reading the thread and I am so with you. Thanks for making it obvious that you have your head screwed on, that as a woman you respect yourself and that scarlyjones clearly possesses none of these traits! Loving your work hun, Samantha x Hey hey! A fellow Brit! Thanks Sam. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Holy cow! This is a hot topic. Scarly makes some good points but they get hidden in her general disdain. In my view, everyone admires good looking people. I also think most people are at least a little curious about nudity or sex. So, I agree with Scarly to a point. However, I do think real women can compete with porn. Even men, who are apparently a little like Pavlov's dogs in Scarly's view, sometimes fall in love and find a particular woman to be "the most wonderful" - despite that she is not the most beautiful etc.... Aren't the real issues: How much porn? What kind of porn? Whether he is viewing porn INSTEAD of having sex with his partner? Whether he cares how she feels about him watching porn? Those are the questions that need to be answered before anyone can really evaluate whether this man has a problem with "watching porn", IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 hi i have a problem with my boyfriend looking at other women and i admit it is my problem i am self councious and have low self esteem.But i think if someones unhappy about something in a relationship you should talk about it.Men dont need porn!My boyfriend used to give me the excuse that all men do it!Thats aload of rubbish!if all other men stabbed themselves to death or something would you do it?NO! People may think this is nasty but i told my boyfriend that i didnt like him looking at it on the internet i was really upset and he said he'd stop.I didnt make him he stop which i think was really nice of him. Can i ask people this if you was doing something and the person you loved was really upset about it would you stop?Because i would ! the person your with is way more important than any actress in a porn video! So i say that if it bothers her why shouldnt he stop?If he cant then obviously theres something wrong there. If you cant come to a comprimise about it with which you are both trully happy if not then its the man who is being selfish! You have to think about what you do you cant just do what you want all the time and hurt others.Its not fair! So i say talk to him! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 So i say that if it bothers her why shouldnt he stop Because some people get bothered by things which it is unreasonable to be bothered by. Tell me, if your husband was 'bothered' by you shopping for clothes, would you never buy another dress? If he was 'bothered' by you watching Brad Pitt in movies or on TV would you shut off the TV when Pitt came on? Some people think that love means that you do everything the other person wants you to do, no matter how unreasonable or unfair. I say that it is the responsibility of each partner to make REASONABLE requests and this is not one. If your sex life is not affected, then you need to learn to be 'bothered' by things like kids dying in Africa and people without homes because of hurricanes. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 On the other hand though if you trully love someone why would you carry on doing something that trully hurt your partner?If this subject hurts someone and there doing it wouldnt it be selffish to carry on doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
roxyg Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 I too had a bf that looked at porn, I told him it bothered me repeatedly, to the point of us almost breaking up, he finally decided to stop. Guys, many of them could care less about another's feelings in the relationship. It is not worth staying in a relationship with a selfish person. Women deserve respect as other's have said--each partner deserves respect. Good luck with whatever it is you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 On the other hand though if you trully love someone why would you carry on doing something that trully hurt your partner?If this subject hurts someone and there doing it wouldnt it be selffish to carry on doing it? Once again, nobody should be held hostage to somebody else's neuroses. That means you both turn neurotic. It is up to you to wise up, lose the insecurity, and mature and understand IT's NOT ABOUT YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Hi again i also asked my boyfriend before if he would like me going on the internet and looking at porn with men in.He said No.Its like that saying "treat others how you would like to be treated". Can men actually say that it wouldn't make them feel a little insecure if women always looked at porn on the internet?If not why not? If it does and you dont like it why do it to your partners? I am mature just because i dont like the idea of my boyfriend looking at porn doesnt mean im not.I have a little boy and i have my own house to run ive had to do a lot of growing up.But i dont think i will ever accept porn.Im not saying everyone feels this way but i dont like it it makes me feel insecure etc. If my boyfriend looks then i will get upset and in my life ive had enough of feeling upset about things so if he does want to look at porn he can do it on his own because why should i have to hide my feelings about it. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Can men actually say that it wouldn't make them feel a little insecure if women always looked at porn on the internet?If not why not? If it does and you dont like it why do it to your partners? Yes. No problem with my SO watching porn with men in it, or even homosexual porn (both ways). Why I don't have a problem with that? Because it is: a) not real b) I know she has a solid relationship with me , and loves me. c) I know I have a solid relationship with her, and I love her. If my boyfriend looks then i will get upset and in my life ive had enough of feeling upset about things so if he does want to look at porn he can do it on his own because why should i have to hide my feelings about it. And why should your boyfriend feel guilty about watching porn - or even more extreme why should he hide his sexuality? For your convenience? He cannot build a relationship with a video-tape or a DVD. He can with a human being, you. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 ive had enough of feeling upset about things Well getting upset about things is up to you. You can just as easily decide to not let it upset you and it won't. However you have a little script you have written that you replay in your head to make your own self upset. It says 'he likes to look at other women therefore he finds them more desirable than me therefore he doesn't really love me and he has no respect for me' and so you upset yourself. If you would rip up that script and substitute the one D'Arthez just wrote, you would no longer be upset. You choose to reread your script, even though it's full of untruths, instead of D'Arthez's, which is accurate. If you choose to believe things that are untrue and then upset yourself by believing them, it's your fault you're upset so you shouldn't punish him. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 I've never really been into hard porn myself, though I have my own fetishes and I love watching a woman in a nice bikini. I guess I'm kinda weird but I've always preferred it when women leave just a little to the imagination, as if to say, 'Wanna see what's under here? Come a little closer -- BOING! Bikini or bare, in my mind, the clothes are still off at some point in my fantasy. I can see where women have issues with porn. There is the very real risk of either desensitization and/or the loss of libido. I do think that there can be some cases in which the real-life lover doesn't live up to the porn-induced fantasy concocted by her s.o., though I'd imagine it depends on the individual. Sexual attraction, porn, romance...i.e. sexuality is a very complex thing and I'm not sure we are anywhere close to understanding it. I'd say that if the shoe were on the other foot and my gf were into male porn, I'd be a bit taken a back myself. Wouldn't know how to react. I guess I'd just talk to my partner about it - find out what the fascination's all about. Just reacting to the situation won't help. Link to post Share on other sites
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