TheOneYouHate Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay for all of you who thought I never would, I finally ended it with the OW today and committed to fixing my marriage. I am not going to lie my legs are a little shaky, my heart is sad, but for once in my life I have stood up for something right. My wife has been willing to talk to me about how hard it has been to end it, and why, and has been the most understanding person you could imagine. I know she will never forget this, but on the other side of this is restoration. I feel like a new born colt trying to walk on those shaky legs, but I did it, and I just have to get those legs stronger. It has only been an hour or so, but I do know that I am free of that bondage, and free of the dual life. God make me strong and keep me on the right path. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay for all of you who thought I never would, I finally ended it with the OW today and committed to fixing my marriage. I am not going to lie my legs are a little shaky, my heart is sad, but for once in my life I have stood up for something right. My wife has been willing to talk to me about how hard it has been to end it, and why, and has been the most understanding person you could imagine. I know she will never forget this, but on the other side of this is restoration. I feel like a new born colt trying to walk on those shaky legs, but I did it, and I just have to get those legs stronger. It has only been an hour or so, but I do know that I am free of that bondage, and free of the dual life. God make me strong and keep me on the right path. Wayhey finally, now, delete ALL ways of communicating with OW, and I mean All. Get a new email/snapchat whatever you used. Ask your wife to check your emails etc before you do to see if Mrs amazing hasnt tried getting back in touch. She can delete anything before you see it. Give wife access to everything you have, phones/tablet/pc etc. It's time to be a grown up man now. Or will it he a case of how long for this time? You will lose your wife if you continue on the same path, then all you will have left is the breadcrumbs OW is giving you. Why won't she leave her hubby if you mean that much to her? Will she do that? Prob not. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 God doesn't make you strong. You do that all on your own. If you truly want to fix your marriage come clean to your wife 100%. Open your heart to her and be vulnerable for a while and see how it feels. Hopefully she will see something left is worth fighting for. Never contact the OW again. Block her on every level. Never put any kind of temptations in your path. Understand your not in control now and give your wife the control. If your not in counseling then I would get into it as soon as possible. Being strong starts with you. How much do you want to save your marriage? Use that as your strength moving forward. C 8 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Let's hope God makes you smarter, risking everything that took you a lifetime to build for what will become just some bad memories for you and your wife hardly seems worth it. Let's hope you both survive the rebuilding. Get yourself into independent counselling and find out why you did this. Your wife deserves someone who isn't broken and is committed to her as a life partner, you owe her that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay for all of you who thought I never would, I finally ended it with the OW today and committed to fixing my marriage. I am not going to lie my legs are a little shaky, my heart is sad, but for once in my life I have stood up for something right. My wife has been willing to talk to me about how hard it has been to end it, and why, and has been the most understanding person you could imagine. I know she will never forget this, but on the other side of this is restoration. I feel like a new born colt trying to walk on those shaky legs, but I did it, and I just have to get those legs stronger. It has only been an hour or so, but I do know that I am free of that bondage, and free of the dual life. God make me strong and keep me on the right path. Hang in there TheOneYouHate, amd well done for being so strong and doing the right thing. I am in the same shoes of you and I know how tough it is. Keep posting. Let's help each other through this! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 TheOneYouHate sometimes it is a series of endings before the final one. Let's hope this is a final ending and I hope that you and your wife can save what is left. If you plan on R just be prepared this is not an easy road either, but manageable I suggest you find a good IC for yourself and your wife find her own IC. Later on you can both do MC, but I feel you need to put some work into yourself first. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Step one, it's a tough one but the most important one. What have you got in place this time to ensure the NC will stick? Have you given your wife access to all accounts/phones pretty much any way she contact you secretly? You need to make sure all avenues for communication are blocked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Wayhey finally, now, delete ALL ways of communicating with OW, and I mean All. Get a new email/snapchat whatever you used. Ask your wife to check your emails etc before you do to see if Mrs amazing hasnt tried getting back in touch. She can delete anything before you see it. Give wife access to everything you have, phones/tablet/pc etc. It's time to be a grown up man now. Do this!! You've had a couple of false starts so if you're serious these need to be Step 2 after initiating NC. Good luck. I truly hope you stick to this and try to repair your marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I'm very glad that you've worked out what matters most. It sounds like you've got a wonderful wife there. Be good to her. Take care. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 God make me strong and keep me on the right path. Proud of you, OP! The path to healing and renewal in your marriage will not be easy, but you can do this. Be strong and courageous. I'm praying with you today. May you feel God's abiding strength and love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Good for you.happy to hear that take it slow its gonna be a long road 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You are one very lucky guy. I hope that you and your wife get some counseling, as her calm demeanor may just be the " eye of the tempest". Once the dust has settled and you both feel ready, I hope that you show her how much you appreciate her not only giving you a second chance, but also to have been willing to be their for you while you grieve the loss of your ow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Okay for all of you who thought I never would, I finally ended it with the OW today and committed to fixing my marriage. I am not going to lie my legs are a little shaky, my heart is sad, but for once in my life I have stood up for something right. My wife has been willing to talk to me about how hard it has been to end it, and why, and has been the most understanding person you could imagine. I know she will never forget this, but on the other side of this is restoration. I feel like a new born colt trying to walk on those shaky legs, but I did it, and I just have to get those legs stronger. It has only been an hour or so, but I do know that I am free of that bondage, and free of the dual life. God make me strong and keep me on the right path. Things you need to know fast: 1. Do NOT mope around for the OW or show any sadness about the end of the affair in front of your wife. She needs to feel like when it was 'put up or shut up time'.. there was no contest. No woman of worth wants to feel like she's in some kind of competition with somebody who would sneak around with a married man. 2. Do NOT give your wife more intimate details than she's ready to handle. She's going to want to know everything right away... and then she's going to torture herself with the mental imagery of it all. Just the facts, man. The rest can come later, if needed, after you've returned to a state of attunement within the marriage. You don't refuse to answer questions, of course, and you don't want to be evasive. Just assure her that you'll give her any details she wants to know, but that you'd like her to slow down and think for a day or two if the answers are really important to the healing process. 3. Do NOT have any further contact with the OW. None. Close off all methods of contact, and if she gets through anyway, share that information with your wife. Remember these two things... no matter what was said, the OW knew you were a married man. She made a grown-up choice to ignore that information. And everyone heals faster when NC is maintained permanently. It's a kindness when you choose not to waffle. 4. Remember that when you began to share emotional/sexual intimacy with someone else, you were robbing your primary relationship of it. So, those feelings CAN come back. Think of it like this... you were putting your money in one bank (the girlfriend), and trying to make withdrawals from another (your wife). When you put the emotions back into the primary bank, you can start drawing from that account. So, put your focus and all your empathy on your wife. Fill that account and you can both feel emotionally wealthy from it. I think you'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel as you take on the role of healer within the marriage. 5. Read. Then read some more. You need to find the original wounding that made you feel so bad about yourself that you were willing to throw away everything you'd ever worked for, just for the cheap band-aid of dopamine and other feel-good chemical reactions going off in your brain. Understand the "shaky-leg" feelings are coming from your own traumatic stress injury, and that you didn't get off unscathed in the ol' brain pan. That's your amygdala doing it's flight or fight thing. See the doctor if you need to calm it down... and get some STD testing while you're there. It'll help your wife feel more confident as recovery progresses. 6. Remember that doing a bad thing, doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Not to minimize, because yeah... this was a SERIOUS error in judgment and you really do have to get to the bottom of that. But take some deep breaths, and have a little compassion for yourself. You messed up and you messed up big. But the majority of marriages DO recover, and a good portion of them come back stronger than ever. 7. You don't have to be a Buddhist to learn about meditation and mindfulness training. It's a great way to put the past and future in perspective. As you learn to let go of anxiety over those things and truly experience the present, that shaky, confused feeling starts to alleviate itself. Good luck. You've had some straight talk here. As I examine some of the response to your posts, some of it has been pretty tough to hear, I bet. But sometimes selfishness is the last resort of a desperate mind trying to sustain itself. Work with your therapist, find the REAL internal wounds, then repair them from the inside out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 forgive me for not reading your back story, but I can guess how you thought you met the love of your life and risked all you once held dear for the thrill of it, and blah, blah, blah.....I've read it all be fore, many a time. Kudos for taking a stand and committing to your spouse. here are some props for your courage: Less than 3 out of 100 relationships that begin as affairs survive the long haul. All relationships, given time and familiarity and MINUS the illicit and forbidden nature of an affair, become familiar and comfortable and somewhat routine. having started as an affair, based on lies and deception, it becomes VERY difficult to trust each other for the long haul. If one or both of you lied to a significant other to engage in the affair,you WILL never fully trust each other to be honest with each other going into the future. And lastly: Someone who TRULY loves you would NEVER encourage you, for reasons of lust or limerance, or love, to lie, sneak, betray your spouse, children, friends, family, future or legacy for ANY reason.....EXCEPT your AP. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Get it? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 And lastly: Someone who TRULY loves you would NEVER encourage you, for reasons of lust or limerance, or love, to lie, sneak, betray your spouse, children, friends, family, future or legacy for ANY reason.....EXCEPT your AP. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Get it? Yep ^This x1000 is so very true! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 How are you and your wife? Are you sticking to the NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Okay for all of you who thought I never would, I finally ended it with the OW today and committed to fixing my marriage. I am not going to lie my legs are a little shaky, my heart is sad, but for once in my life I have stood up for something right. My wife has been willing to talk to me about how hard it has been to end it, and why, and has been the most understanding person you could imagine. I know she will never forget this, but on the other side of this is restoration. I feel like a new born colt trying to walk on those shaky legs, but I did it, and I just have to get those legs stronger. It has only been an hour or so, but I do know that I am free of that bondage, and free of the dual life. God make me strong and keep me on the right path. I'm happy for you and this is good to hear, but don't be so quick to pat yourself on the back. Ending it with the OW isn't nearly as difficult as keeping it ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I commend you if you've truly ended it. One thing I would say, though: don't expect your BW to believe you right off the bat. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to prove this to her. Just saying it's so won't be enough. And even if she says she does believe you, tomorrow may be a different story. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Loyalty check: If your wife demanded you to expose your AP, would you do it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 When I told my cheater I was going to tell everyone what he did & with whom (he was mortified by her, she's hideous and embarrassing), he said it was all mine to blab - if I felt contacting the obs was right for me, to do it. (I did). I notified his sister and his close friend. It takes all the power and titillation and "specialness" away when the cashier at the grocery store knows. I told her too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I'm happy for you and this is good to hear, but don't be so quick to pat yourself on the back. Ending it with the OW isn't nearly as difficult as keeping it ended. Well I found that out the hard way... Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I'm the betrayed wife. Please, please, please recognize that your wife is gong through one of the worst times she will EVER experience in her life! I know! I know! You feel really bad. No!! No!! No!! You need to just get this. Imagine the pope on his death bed, everything he has built his life around, his whole identity, his security blanket. He dies & there to meet him is Buddah! saying "Wow! You were so, so wrong dude!". It's beyond anything I could imagine. I know that we're all very different people, different nature, disuse rent nurture. The problem is "I'm Me!" I have a pretty good idea of who I am & what I need from another person. I can picture my very realistically defined future with my H. It can swap & change so fast. I have probably <5% of absolute proof of the last 10 months of my life. The Reat is crap. I've given my H the article on here about trickle thru thing. It really is so cruel! I had no idea how devastating & insulting it was until I was stuck playing that role. I hope my H will understand, really start to unserstand. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Well I found that out the hard way... What do you mean? What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Well I found that out the hard way... TheOneYouHate, I have gone back and read your first threads. I am really pulling for you that you can extricate yourself from your A. I am M and in an A too and can understand when you say how difficult it is for you to leave. In one of your earlier posts you wrote this...... I know this is not the relationship I should be in. I do love my wife, and I do not want to leave her. I know it is not fair to her and I know I screwed up, badly. It is not because she takes care of me, it is because I love her and can't imagine my life without her. I would die for the woman. I could not write this about my H. You truly do sound like you love your wife. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you are in an A if that is how you feel. I am not judging you or thinking you are a bad person, obviously I am the last person who could judge you. I think you are really confused and in a really unhealthy A (not like there is anything like a healthy one). Because you seem to truly love your wife, I hope that one day soon you can end your A for good. You have had your D Day, your wife seems so unbelievably supportive. I cannot imagine she will be like this for long if you cannot end it, but it also sounds like she would support you as you go through all the anxiety of ending it. I hope you come back to your thread, whether you were successful or not at ending your A this time. People here will continue to give support as long as you are trying. Just a thought, perhaps if you sent your quote above to the OW, she would understand the love you have for your W and let you go. I don't think you would even have to write anything else in your final email. That says it all. I know as an OW, if my AP wrote that to me, I would stop trying to contact him and let him go. If she continues to try to contact you after being told that, your OW never really cared about you at all. I care enough about my AP, that I want him to be happy. I really hope that it works out for you and your wife. Edited August 23, 2015 by Babs22 typo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 I went for quite sometime with no contact, and was doing great. I was feeling like I had my life back, and things were going okay. I had some sad moments and a lot of things that reminded me of my AP, but I was moving through it. Then through all the blocks and all she changed her email address and emailed me. I know, I know I should have just deleted it and at the time I just automatically opened. Now she tells me how she has told her husband everything, that she wants me and me only, and how much she loves me. Of course those things I love to here. So I slipped up and got back in a bit and I need some advice on how to get back on track. Dang, I was doing pretty good, and I set myself up to fail. I didn't even think when I went to open the email and it was just automatic and then engaged her which I shouldn't have. Link to post Share on other sites
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