I Ended It

[Popsicle]

I went for quite sometime with no contact, and was doing great. I was feeling like I had my life back, and things were going okay. I had some sad moments and a lot of things that reminded me of my AP, but I was moving through it. Then through all the blocks and all she changed her email address and emailed me. I know, I know I should have just deleted it and at the time I just automatically opened. Now she tells me how she has told her husband everything, that she wants me and me only, and how much she loves me. Of course those things I love to here. So I slipped up and got back in a bit and I need some advice on how to get back on track. Dang, I was doing pretty good, and I set myself up to fail. I didn't even think when I went to open the email and it was just automatic and then engaged her which I shouldn't have.

 

Be honest with her, tell her you're never leaving your wife and it would best if she moved onto a single man.

[TheOneYouHate]

I went for quite sometime with no contact, and was doing great. I was feeling like I had my life back, and things were going okay. I had some sad moments and a lot of things that reminded me of my AP, but I was moving through it. Then through all the blocks and all she changed her email address and emailed me. I know, I know I should have just deleted it and at the time I just automatically opened. Now she tells me how she has told her husband everything, that she wants me and me only, and how much she loves me. Of course those things I love to here. So I slipped up and got back in a bit and I need some advice on how to get back on track. Dang, I was doing pretty good, and I set myself up to fail. I didn't even think when I went to open the email and it was just automatic and then engaged her which I shouldn't have. I slipped a little, and I need to fix it. I try to cushion the blow and make it easier on her. I don't want to be mean and hurt her, but I guess I am going to have to be mean and I hate that. So any advice ? Please don't beat me, she knows way too much about it me and can work around any block. I know I screwed up but I need to fix it quickly.

[RightThere]

I went for quite sometime with no contact, and was doing great. I was feeling like I had my life back, and things were going okay. I had some sad moments and a lot of things that reminded me of my AP, but I was moving through it. Then through all the blocks and all she changed her email address and emailed me. I know, I know I should have just deleted it and at the time I just automatically opened. Now she tells me how she has told her husband everything, that she wants me and me only, and how much she loves me. Of course those things I love to here. So I slipped up and got back in a bit and I need some advice on how to get back on track. Dang, I was doing pretty good, and I set myself up to fail. I didn't even think when I went to open the email and it was just automatic and then engaged her which I shouldn't have. I slipped a little, and I need to fix it. I try to cushion the blow and make it easier on her. I don't want to be mean and hurt her, but I guess I am going to have to be mean and I hate that. So any advice ? Please don't beat me, she knows way too much about it me and can work around any block. I know I screwed up but I need to fix it quickly.

 

In all honesty, the fact you went about a month with NC is a really good sign.

 

Screw ups happen. So the best thing to do is exactly what you did before. Start NC on day one again. Tell your wife what happened and how you plan to correct it. And send a message to the other woman (and let your wife know the substance of the message) but tell her not to contact you anymore.

 

Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

I went for quite sometime with no contact, and was doing great. I was feeling like I had my life back, and things were going okay. I had some sad moments and a lot of things that reminded me of my AP, but I was moving through it. Then through all the blocks and all she changed her email address and emailed me. I know, I know I should have just deleted it and at the time I just automatically opened. Now she tells me how she has told her husband everything, that she wants me and me only, and how much she loves me. Of course those things I love to here. So I slipped up and got back in a bit and I need some advice on how to get back on track. Dang, I was doing pretty good, and I set myself up to fail. I didn't even think when I went to open the email and it was just automatic and then engaged her which I shouldn't have. I slipped a little, and I need to fix it. I try to cushion the blow and make it easier on her. I don't want to be mean and hurt her, but I guess I am going to have to be mean and I hate that. So any advice ? Please don't beat me, she knows way too much about it me and can work around any block. I know I screwed up but I need to fix it quickly.

 

TheOneYouHate sometimes these A's are just like an addiction. You slip up fall off the wagon, wash, rinse & repeat. I feel you need to treat your A like an addiction. Until you are ready to be DONE I fear it is too easy for you to fall right back into it again.

[TheOneYouHate]

TheOneYouHate sometimes these A's are just like an addiction. You slip up fall off the wagon, wash, rinse & repeat. I feel you need to treat your A like an addiction. Until you are ready to be DONE I fear it is too easy for you to fall right back into it again.

 

Well it is an addiction and I am going to class at church that addresses just that. I also, deleted the email address she was using to get to me, and I just went dark. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I did it. I have to delete her pictures from Flickr someday, but I am going to have to get a little distance from this before I can do that. Man affairs suck, they just ruin your life. My IC has me repeating the mantra when I think I miss my AP or something causes me to be sad about her, is that "I took my life back". The A was so destructive and she is just as addicted to me, and I know it hurts but I know that to heal she has to move on too. Whew.... hard to do, but in the end I believe that it will all be worth it.

 

I have been working on breaking up with her for probably 5 months and kept getting drawn back in. Oh yeah it is an addiction no two ways about it. I have blocked everything in every way that I can even imagine now. One day at a time as AA says, maybe that stands for Affairs Anonymous.

[purdyPeas]

You prolly will still get new emails from new accounts from her pestering you.

 

Sure fire way is to delete your email account, and only let trusted associates have the new email addy to you.

 

You have not blocked her until you do that.

[truncated]

Well it is an addiction and I am going to class at church that addresses just that. I also, deleted the email address she was using to get to me, and I just went dark. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I did it. I have to delete her pictures from Flickr someday, but I am going to have to get a little distance from this before I can do that. Man affairs suck, they just ruin your life. My IC has me repeating the mantra when I think I miss my AP or something causes me to be sad about her, is that "I took my life back". The A was so destructive and she is just as addicted to me, and I know it hurts but I know that to heal she has to move on too. Whew.... hard to do, but in the end I believe that it will all be worth it.

 

I have been working on breaking up with her for probably 5 months and kept getting drawn back in. Oh yeah it is an addiction no two ways about it. I have blocked everything in every way that I can even imagine now. One day at a time as AA says, maybe that stands for Affairs Anonymous.

 

think of it this way. She knows you wanted no contact from her, and she didn't respect that.

[Sandy43]

You need to delete all of your email addresses, get a new cell number and change/delete all online accounts so she can't contact you. She lives far away from you so if you really want to be rid of her for good it shouldn't be that difficult.

How is your wife doing?

[Ladyjane14]

It's not enough just to delete the contact info, although it's a good start. You have to change the way you view the former AP and let go of any positive imaging you had of that person which allowed you to rationalize her behavior. You have to take the blinders off.

 

This is somebody who even now will not respect your boundaries any more than she respected your wife's boundaries before.

 

A wayward spouse commits quite a bit of mental gymnastics in order to allow himself permission to cheat. Now, you've got to undo that thought process, and look at this person with clear eyes. That's hard to do when you're feeling guilty about having done something wrong. It doesn't seem fair to call someone else out on behavior that you've committed yourself, right?

 

But here's the deal... Just because you were wrong, doesn't mitigate the fact that the AP was wrong. It's a popular fallacy on boards like this one that the only person at fault is the one who made the vows. The truth is that EVERYONE knows you don't screw someone else's spouse. Your former AP knew it too. Stop feeling sorry for her and look at her behavior while not allowing yourself to feel any guilt or shame for at least as long as it takes to get a clearer view.

 

I think I mentioned earlier that mistakes can be COSTLY during the recovery phase. Open your eyes, and don't let the former AP ruin your chances because she's too self-involved to respect your choices.

[cocorico]

think of it this way. She knows you wanted no contact from her, and she didn't respect that.

 

He's changed his mind before - how's she to know that "he really really means it" this time?

[turnera]

Well it is an addiction and I am going to class at church that addresses just that.

Well, what do addicts do to quit? They get a sponsor, a mentor, who they can call day and night when they get the urge, and who will hold them accountable.

 

What man in your life can you ask to do that?

[truncated]

He's changed his mind before - how's she to know that "he really really means it" this time?

 

hmmm....

 

Could it be that he told her he wnated no more contact and stuck to it, then she comes crawling back out of the woodwork?

 

Has she not ever heard the old maxim "no means no"? Once someone says " please leave me alone" and doesn't initiate contact, then one can safely assume contact is unwanted. Why is that such a difficult concept for some to grasp?

 

If the roles were reversed, he'd likely be labeled as a a creep or a stalker, and what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

[USEDOW]

It's what we did several times. When you love someone it's very hard to say bye and actually mean it. You want to mean it but sometimes you are trying to just stop for a bit as the pain is too much. And why are you talking to her like that.. Where did you crawl out of? How rude

[truncated]

"

It's what we did several times. When you love someone it's very hard to say bye and actually mean it. You want to mean it but sometimes you are trying to just stop for a bit as the pain is too much. And why are you talking to her like that.. Where did you crawl out of? How rude"

 

 

This forum is for the support of ws and bs, and I speaking to what is best for them and not what is easiest for ow.

 

If a mm is seeking no contact, then that is what needs to happen. One someone says " no more" that needs to be respected. If she can't do that, then she should get her self some help in moving on. It would be the same if a mm kept trying to contact his former ow after she said "stop".

 

The op has expressed the view that he wants to remain married, and is not interested in further contact with the ow. If she can't respect that, then that is on her. His marriage is now his priority.

Edited September 26, 2015 by truncated

[66Charger]

This Op will change his mind tomorrow. I would be interested in his wife's side of the story. She seems to have taken it in stride. I would bet she has a man. And its obvious the one you hate isnt one. You better think about that hated one. You have given her the green light. Do you honestly believe she cant find someone better, stronger and more stable than you?

 

As long as you are getting yours, shouldnt she get some too?

[USEDOW]

Your relief may be short lived. You are just out of the pain for a little while so earlyvdays

[truncated]

Your relief may be short lived. You are just out of the pain for a little while so earlyvdays

 

 

I think he's looking for support to help him in his reconciliation with his wife, not doom and gloom.

[USEDOW]

Ok everyone will live happily ever after...The End sorry for the cynicism no offence

[TheOneYouHate]

Well it has been awhile since I blocked my AP. Yesterday was my birthday and she emailed my work email wishing me a Happy Birthday. It made me sad, but I didn't answer. This morning she writes again saying how she was just being nice, that she didn't want a relationship with me, and that now she went back to church and is straightening out her life.

 

So I read these, which I shouldn't have and they really upset me. Then I emailed my IC, she said block her, ignore her, don't open the emails. dang wish I would have thought of that earlier. Anyway, I took a parting shot and told my former AP that I didn't want a relationship either and that I wished her the best with her future and her husband. I did include a couple of kind of cheap shots in there, but I guess I wanted a final word because of some of what had happened (i know real mature). Anyway, I put the block on my work email from anything from her or her out of country domain.

 

My counselor says your emotions are trying to tell you something is wrong. I got so sad yesterday when I saw that email in the car, I cold not hardly hold back the tears. OMG big message of how miserable this person makes me. So I am still fighting the battle, and I slipped and got the last word in, but dang I am sticking with this.

[turnera]

Just shows how much cheating messes up lives.

[RightThere]

Well it has been awhile since I blocked my AP. Yesterday was my birthday and she emailed my work email wishing me a Happy Birthday. It made me sad, but I didn't answer. This morning she writes again saying how she was just being nice, that she didn't want a relationship with me, and that now she went back to church and is straightening out her life.

 

So I read these, which I shouldn't have and they really upset me. Then I emailed my IC, she said block her, ignore her, don't open the emails. dang wish I would have thought of that earlier. Anyway, I took a parting shot and told my former AP that I didn't want a relationship either and that I wished her the best with her future and her husband. I did include a couple of kind of cheap shots in there, but I guess I wanted a final word because of some of what had happened (i know real mature). Anyway, I put the block on my work email from anything from her or her out of country domain.

 

My counselor says your emotions are trying to tell you something is wrong. I got so sad yesterday when I saw that email in the car, I cold not hardly hold back the tears. OMG big message of how miserable this person makes me. So I am still fighting the battle, and I slipped and got the last word in, but dang I am sticking with this.

 

You're doing good. Overall you are making positive progress forward and that is the most important thing.

 

I'll be honest and say I didn't expect this much positive progress from you at this point. So good on you for getting to where you are today. Keep at it and you'll be in an even better spot in no time at all.

[truncated]

Well it has been awhile since I blocked my AP. Yesterday was my birthday and she emailed my work email wishing me a Happy Birthday. It made me sad, but I didn't answer. This morning she writes again saying how she was just being nice, that she didn't want a relationship with me, and that now she went back to church and is straightening out her life.

 

So I read these, which I shouldn't have and they really upset me. Then I emailed my IC, she said block her, ignore her, don't open the emails. dang wish I would have thought of that earlier. Anyway, I took a parting shot and told my former AP that I didn't want a relationship either and that I wished her the best with her future and her husband. I did include a couple of kind of cheap shots in there, but I guess I wanted a final word because of some of what had happened (i know real mature). Anyway, I put the block on my work email from anything from her or her out of country domain.

 

My counselor says your emotions are trying to tell you something is wrong. I got so sad yesterday when I saw that email in the car, I cold not hardly hold back the tears. OMG big message of how miserable this person makes me. So I am still fighting the battle, and I slipped and got the last word in, but dang I am sticking with this.

 

 

Pffftttt....

She doesn;t wnat a relation ship with you, she respects you request for no contact, but still she attempts to engage you with a 'happy birthday", and when that doesn't work, she fires off a second email.

 

That right there shows you the kind of person you are dealing with. It doesn't matter if it's the ow or om or the mm or mw...once someone says "no more contact", that should be respected.

[harrybrown]

Did you share the email with your wife?

 

You should have total honesty with her.

[fellini]

OMG big message of how miserable this person makes me. So I am still fighting the battle, and I slipped and got the last word in, but dang I am sticking with this.

 

If she is no longer IN your life, it is not her that makes you feel miserable. It is you, alone, sitting in your car, nurturing your memories. No one can "make" you feel anything from a distance. That's all you.

[Lion Heart]

When I told my cheater I was going to tell everyone what he did & with whom (he was mortified by her, she's hideous and embarrassing), he said it was all mine to blab - if I felt contacting the obs was right for me, to do it. (I did). I notified his sister and his close friend. It takes all the power and titillation and "specialness" away when the cashier at the grocery store knows. I told her too.

 

So cool ^^^

 

Right withya.

 

LH