Second guessing my decision...need some support

[Lovelife89]

Hello everyone. I have read here a lot, finally ready to share I think.

 

I just went NC with a separated man and blocked him on everything a few days. I know my reasons why I did it and I'm trying hard to stick to them. He has been separated a little over a year now, with a short try last winter to reconcile with his wife. His wife has since gotten her own place and they are no longer working on their marriage...but neither do they seem to be working on divorce either.

 

He says he still has feelings for her but he feels he only loves her as a friend. He tells me he thinks I am an amazing person and loves our friendship and he is attracted to me but he can't give me a relationship right now. We have been friends for awhile and recently reconnected over the summer. He had previously told me last year that he wanted to be with me and had fallen for me during his initial separation, then he decided to work on things with his wife, it didn't work out so he reached out and we started talking again and now here we are. I know he has a lot going, financially and with his current separation. But I wasn't able to keep my feelings in check, I wanted more. I told him I couldn't be friends and I would mess up our friendship. He told me that if I stop talking to him, then that will mess up our friendship. He said it was easy to just be friends. I told him I would try.

 

After that our friendship has been very hot and cold, push and pull. He acts like he wants me and then he reminds me that we are just friends. He says he is very attracted to me and he wishes he wasn't because that makes him a bad friend ( he gets very touchy feely around me). He wishes we could make love but said he was worried it would ruin our friendship. I was very confused and I told him I didn't want a relationship either because I'm a full time student but that I wanted a close friend. He said we needed to meet up and talk in person about it but then the hot/cold stuff started and we never talked about it we just continued how we were. When we did go out a couple times, neither one of us brought it up. I started feeling like I was trying to make him happy without getting the same effort. I know he is dating around and I told him I was too. I ended up not being able to take anymore and I couldn't just be friends. I sent him a message explaining this and also letting him know I noticed he wasn't taking any action in his marriage. I did not issue him an ultimatum, I simply told him I wanted more, he couldn't give me more and I wasn't accepting it anymore. I told him I was blocking him.

 

I read about these men being on fence and a part of me wonders if he will get back with his wife...I can say my goal isn't really to knock him off that fence but to free myself. I could have left him unblocked and he would try to explain himself but I didn't want to hear anymore.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for...reassurance I did the right thing? Similar experiences? Advice with sticking to NC? I am prepared that he may never reach out or try to contact me again, but that thought hurts me very badly. I have cried so much over this the past few days but I know if I want something to change I need to walk away and leave him to figure himself out.

 

In the end I figured I had nothing to lose. If it knocks him off the fence or if it just totally frees me...I just want to feel like me again.

[Grapesofwrath]

You have done the right thing. It sounds to me like he is using you as a security blanket to dull the sharp sting of loneliness and grief while he sorts through his separation issues.

 

Getting divorced is a complicated, difficult, messy, painful process. If he is really doing that, he is not in a position to devote himself to a relationship with you in the way you deserve. He will take comfort from you, and not give back to you emotionally in the same way. It's unbalanced and unfair. That is often the nature of rebound relationships.

 

Stick with what you are doing. You have established a healthy boundary for yourself, in your own best interest.

[Popsicle]

I like the way you're thinking. It's good for you.

[privategal]

If you stick to this and do not end up missing him and breaking contact, you've earned alot more respect for yourself. The hot cold start usually doesn't end up changing.

Us gals stick around thinking we can "love" them into changing and growing feelings for us.

You gave it enough time and life is short.

If he cared...now you will be the one who got away. You dont friendzone a quality girl.

Stay away and great job freeing yourself, I know it hurts but u should be proud. Hugs.

[Lovelife89]

You have done the right thing. It sounds to me like he is using you as a security blanket to dull the sharp sting of loneliness and grief while he sorts through his separation issues.

 

Getting divorced is a complicated, difficult, messy, painful process. If he is really doing that, he is not in a position to devote himself to a relationship with you in the way you deserve. He will take comfort from you, and not give back to you emotionally in the same way. It's unbalanced and unfair. That is often the nature of rebound relationships.

 

Stick with what you are doing. You have established a healthy boundary for yourself, in your own best interest.

 

Thank you. I have felt like I was his comfort and he wasn't mine. He seemed to be the one always going through something and while I have problems too they seemed small compared to his. But now I feel like friends should care and give equally.

 

I want to mention this is my second time trying this. Well not trying this time, I'm actually going to do it. I blocked him earlier this year for similar reasons although a bit different. He broke the NC, found a way to reach me about a month later. I gave in and saw him because I thought something must have changed. How silly I was...nothing had changed except they tried and failed MC and she got her own place. Still no divorce.

 

I have blocked him every possible thing now and I told him I blocked him. He has not made any attempts to contact me that I know of.

[Lovelife89]

I like the way you're thinking. It's good for you.

 

Thank you. I felt very strong when I did it, then the next day I just cried and cried, asking for signs I did the right things. I didn't get any signs so started second guessing. Mad at myself for not keeping my feelings in check, worried I hurt him and he wouldn't understand. I was very close to contacting him but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't because the sadness comes in waves and then replaced by anger. I'm a whirlwind right now.

 

I admit I unblocked him on my text message the next day after. I didn't text him, I just wanted to see. Stupid I know but I didn't get any messages. He may have tried the day of to text me but I blocked him immediately after I sent my last message but I'll never know. He's been blocked on everything for the past couple days.

[Lovelife89]

If you stick to this and do not end up missing him and breaking contact, you've earned alot more respect for yourself. The hot cold start usually doesn't end up changing.

Us gals stick around thinking we can "love" them into changing and growing feelings for us.

You gave it enough time and life is short.

If he cared...now you will be the one who got away. You dont friendzone a quality girl.

Stay away and great job freeing yourself, I know it hurts but u should be proud. Hugs.

 

Thank you very much. I hope I will feel proud of myself one day but I know there is a lot of work before getting there. I am trying so hard to not miss him. That's the hardest part right now, I wake up missing him, missing his company, missing talking to him. But I'm trying focus on the hurt I felt while being friends and the hurt I felt from wanting more, from wanting to be closer.

 

But you are right and I keep telling myself "I'm a great catch, he tells me that all the time. There is no reason for me to be in the friend zone". So I pulled myself out...

[whichwayisup]

You have no control over what he does or if he changes his mind and goes back to his wife after a longish separation. You can control your own life and actions, you end it, end it and walk away because: (your words) He says he still has feelings for her but he feels he only loves her as a friend. He tells me he thinks I am an amazing person and loves our friendship and he is attracted to me but he can't give me a relationship right now.

 

He IS telling you what he feels, like it or not. He is emotionally unavailable and can't invest in you.

 

Don't second guess yourself. It may hurt but being at peace, being alone and feeling sadness because it's over is better than clinging to a guy who isn't committing and makes you feel angst most of the time.

[Satu]

Your reasoning is very sound and you did the right thing.

[jaskiegs]

As a MM struggling greatly with NC at the moment, let me give you a different viewpoint. It's this:

 

I have felt like I was his comfort and he wasn't mine.

 

I am one of the few that believes that it is theoretically possible for a married person and an AP to form a lasting relationship (my personal experience notwithstanding) but that quote is the key to why I think you made the right decision. In any relationship, there will be times when one partner is the supportER and one is the supportEE but when it is permanently (or even mostly) one direction, the relationship, regardless of its origins, is in trouble.

 

Best of luck to you, LL89

[blue963]

move on with what you need to do. If he is ready for it he will come back when he is thru working out his divorce.

[lemondrop21]

This post interests me since it's a little bit of a different situation than a lot of the posters here are in - if I'm reading it correctly, your relationship started after he was separated, is that correct? So he and his wife did not separate "because of you," but rather because of other issues. You might be a factor now, but you were not a factor initially.

 

That and the fact that he's been dating around make me really believe his statement that he cannot give you the relationship that you want. Sadly he isn't motivated/invested enough in you to do so right now, and won't be motivated enough until his divorce is final and he has done some introspection and healing.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you did the right thing and can continue to date other people, knowing that he will find you when/if his divorce is finalized. Hopefully in the meantime you will find someone who can give you what you want and need right now. Life is too short to wait around.

[OldRover]

What's his reason for not divorcing?

[Lovelife89]

You have no control over what he does or if he changes his mind and goes back to his wife after a longish separation. You can control your own life and actions, you end it, end it and walk away because: (your words) He says he still has feelings for her but he feels he only loves her as a friend. He tells me he thinks I am an amazing person and loves our friendship and he is attracted to me but he can't give me a relationship right now.

 

He IS telling you what he feels, like it or not. He is emotionally unavailable and can't invest in you.

 

Don't second guess yourself. It may hurt but being at peace, being alone and feeling sadness because it's over is better than clinging to a guy who isn't committing and makes you feel angst most of the time.

 

Thank you. I know I can't control him or his actions or if he goes back to his wife and I'm not trying to. I just think about it sometimes. Yes he does tell me how he feels and I do listen which is why I chose to walk away. He put a lot of emphasis on "right now" "right now I can't give this, right now we can't do that". I didn't let that give me hope though, if not now then when? I wasn't going to wait.

[Lovelife89]

As a MM struggling greatly with NC at the moment, let me give you a different viewpoint. It's this:

 

 

 

I am one of the few that believes that it is theoretically possible for a married person and an AP to form a lasting relationship (my personal experience notwithstanding) but that quote is the key to why I think you made the right decision. In any relationship, there will be times when one partner is the supportER and one is the supportEE but when it is permanently (or even mostly) one direction, the relationship, regardless of its origins, is in trouble.

 

Best of luck to you, LL89

 

Thank you and it is nice to hear a perspective from a MM. I do want to clarify that things were not always like this (one sided). Last year he was very attentive to me, spoiled me with attention. He was like that too earlier this summer when he broke NC and found a way to reach out to me. It's just these past couple months have felt pretty one-sided. I wonder if he was just trying to "win" me back since I went dark on him. I kept telling myself he is going thru a lot, not just with a possible divorce but he has had some recent financial devastation separate from his marriage and then one day I woke up and that wasn't excuse enough anymore. It didn't work anymore, it wasn't a reason to keep giving him my energy anymore.

[Lovelife89]

This post interests me since it's a little bit of a different situation than a lot of the posters here are in - if I'm reading it correctly, your relationship started after he was separated, is that correct? So he and his wife did not separate "because of you," but rather because of other issues. You might be a factor now, but you were not a factor initially.

 

That and the fact that he's been dating around make me really believe his statement that he cannot give you the relationship that you want. Sadly he isn't motivated/invested enough in you to do so right now, and won't be motivated enough until his divorce is final and he has done some introspection and healing.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you did the right thing and can continue to date other people, knowing that he will find you when/if his divorce is finalized. Hopefully in the meantime you will find someone who can give you what you want and need right now. Life is too short to wait around.

 

Yes you are correct. I wasn't involved with him during his actual marriage. We started spending time during his separation. His wife wasn't too happy he was dating and they tried to reconcile and we went NC. Things didn't work out and he reached out to me again.

 

I do believe he is keeping his options open. He knows I am not truly comfortable having sex with a man who isn't my boyfriend. So that being said, I know he is a "free man" again in his mind and I am not naive and know men have needs. I'm just not willing to wait for him to get it out his system. You are so right, life is too short. I'll be 26 soon and I already feel like so much of my time has been wasted.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Lovelife89

[Lovelife89]

What's his reason for not divorcing?

 

Ok well don't quote me, I know not to take everything a separated man says as gospel but from what he's told me, money and finances are the biggest issues. He is a very frugal man and recently had a big financial hit he has been battling. As frugal as he is, I know this kinda hit him hard. He and his wife have no kids together.

[OldRover]

Ok well don't quote me, I know not to take everything a separated man says as gospel but from what he's told me, money and finances are the biggest issues. He is a very frugal man and recently had a big financial hit he has been battling. As frugal as he is, I know this kinda hit him hard. He and his wife have no kids together.

 

So, here's the question....

 

Do you feel that you could fill her shoes financially, IE, share expenses so that each would pay the basic half?

 

Could be a stretch, and you'd have to make plans to move in together but it's cheaper and more convenient being together under one roof (if you're committed), but obviously the dangers are if something goes wrong.

 

Now, if it doesn't work, and he goes back on his own, you would end up hurting less.

 

Food for thought.....

[Lovelife89]

So, here's the question....

 

Do you feel that you could fill her shoes financially, IE, share expenses so that each would pay the basic half?

 

Could be a stretch, and you'd have to make plans to move in together but it's cheaper and more convenient being together under one roof (if you're committed), but obviously the dangers are if something goes wrong.

 

Now, if it doesn't work, and he goes back on his own, you would end up hurting less.

 

Food for thought.....

 

Thank you for responding. I'm a little confused, we are certainly not anywhere near that stage to be discussing anything like that. He has his own house and his wife got her own apartment.

[privategal]

He cant make a decision for divorce or going back, or to pursue it with you...the guy is just lost not knowing where hes at but under it all..the obvious choice is hes gonna do whats best for HIM.

Your his ego stroke, the reliable one he keeps on the backburner...the reason he doesn't step up with you is because he doesn't have to...you were always there, he didnt have to work for it.

He strung you along but the truth is he doesn't have his head straight...you DO.

His life is a mess...separated, divorce pending, financial issues...hes gonna bring YOU down.

You didn't lose him...he lost YOU...

You should be oroud...your in the fog...have hhim on a pedestal still. His hot/cold made you insecure and made you subconsciously wanna win him over...its ok...he will soon see he shouldn't have handled you that way.

Marriage, kids, stability, someone ALL in is your goal?

Hes not the one for you. It seems he is but the right guy isn't a fixer upper...hes just...right...all the way around.

When a man cares theres no gray area. He comes at u full speed and with conviction.

You dodged a bullet.

The issues his wife had that led to divorce...would be YOUR problems with him too.

[Lovelife89]

He cant make a decision for divorce or going back, or to pursue it with you...the guy is just lost not knowing where hes at but under it all..the obvious choice is hes gonna do whats best for HIM.

Your his ego stroke, the reliable one he keeps on the backburner...the reason he doesn't step up with you is because he doesn't have to...you were always there, he didnt have to work for it.

He strung you along but the truth is he doesn't have his head straight...you DO.

His life is a mess...separated, divorce pending, financial issues...hes gonna bring YOU down.

You didn't lose him...he lost YOU...

You should be oroud...your in the fog...have hhim on a pedestal still. His hot/cold made you insecure and made you subconsciously wanna win him over...its ok...he will soon see he shouldn't have handled you that way.

Marriage, kids, stability, someone ALL in is your goal?

Hes not the one for you. It seems he is but the right guy isn't a fixer upper...hes just...right...all the way around.

When a man cares theres no gray area. He comes at u full speed and with conviction.

You dodged a bullet.

The issues his wife had that led to divorce...would be YOUR problems with him too.

 

Thank you very much. I needed to read this. Last night and today are bad. I want to reach out and make sure he understood where I was coming from. I want to make sure he isn't hurt by my actions. He may not want a relationship with me right now but I know he care about me and I don't want him to hurt. A part of me wishes he would find a way to contact me just so I know if he missed me...but I guess these type of thoughts come and go

[lemondrop21]

I'll be 26 soon and I already feel like so much of my time has been wasted.

 

I understand where you're coming from with the age thing. People laugh and tell me how young I am (I'm about to turn 28), including MM. But as I scroll through the countless wedding photos that fill my Facebook feed on these summer weekends, I'm reminded of how all my friends my own age are marrying, snatching up the "good guys," and if I let myself get dragged down into some kind of bullsh*t long term affair that will never go anywhere, I could very well miss my chance at finding a great guy now who is actually available.

 

Two years from now, I could be married to a great guy and about to start a family. Or, if things go the way I think they will with MM and his ambivalence about his marriage... I could still be here, agonizing, going NC and then quitting, waiting, crying, hoping, praying, despairing... like I see many others do on this board. I'm writing this out as a reminder to myself that this is NOT where I want to end up!!

[HappyAgain2014]

Don't contact him. He already had too much control and look what he did with it. When you give someone your heart, it's the ultimate trust. When they abuse that trust through control, there's no way to undo it.

 

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.

[OldRover]

Don't contact him. He already had too much control and look what he did with it. When you give someone your heart, it's the ultimate trust. When they abuse that trust through control, there's no way to undo it.

 

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.

 

Good point.... He need to show that he's serious, if he's going to make any form of commitment to you. And I don't see any reason that he can't complete the divorce, which really needs to be his next step.

 

At 26 you have the whole world ahead of you! Don't waste it on someone that half cares.

[jwi71]

You have no control over what he does or if he changes his mind and goes back to his wife after a longish separation. You can control your own life and actions, you end it, end it and walk away because: (your words) He says he still has feelings for her but he feels he only loves her as a friend. He tells me he thinks I am an amazing person and loves our friendship and he is attracted to me but he can't give me a relationship right now.

 

He IS telling you what he feels, like it or not. He is emotionally unavailable and can't invest in you.

 

Don't second guess yourself. It may hurt but being at peace, being alone and feeling sadness because it's over is better than clinging to a guy who isn't committing and makes you feel angst most of the time.

 

This right here.

I WAS that guy. Kinda.

 

An emotionally unavailable man is, simply put, on the rebound. I had a few GF's right after my D...none lasted. I wasn't ready or available or even capable of providing what a GF needed and deserved. Something I regret but I cannot undo the past.

 

I PROMISE its NOT you. Its him. Bad timing. Smile. Remember fondly and move on.