Author Lovelife89 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I understand where you're coming from with the age thing. People laugh and tell me how young I am (I'm about to turn 28), including MM. But as I scroll through the countless wedding photos that fill my Facebook feed on these summer weekends, I'm reminded of how all my friends my own age are marrying, snatching up the "good guys," and if I let myself get dragged down into some kind of bullsh*t long term affair that will never go anywhere, I could very well miss my chance at finding a great guy now who is actually available. Two years from now, I could be married to a great guy and about to start a family. Or, if things go the way I think they will with MM and his ambivalence about his marriage... I could still be here, agonizing, going NC and then quitting, waiting, crying, hoping, praying, despairing... like I see many others do on this board. I'm writing this out as a reminder to myself that this is NOT where I want to end up!! Hi lemon drop, Thanks for writing. Yes mid to late twenties is a very weird stage in life...you are too young to have it all together but old enough to think you should... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelife89 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 This right here. I WAS that guy. Kinda. An emotionally unavailable man is, simply put, on the rebound. I had a few GF's right after my D...none lasted. I wasn't ready or available or even capable of providing what a GF needed and deserved. Something I regret but I cannot undo the past. I PROMISE its NOT you. Its him. Bad timing. Smile. Remember fondly and move on. Thanks for sharing this. I do not want to be a rebound, so in that thought I'm glad I walked away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelife89 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Don't contact him. He already had too much control and look what he did with it. When you give someone your heart, it's the ultimate trust. When they abuse that trust through control, there's no way to undo it. Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing. Thank you. I was feeling like he had too much control, where as it used to feel equal. I don't want to be sucked into a black hole of powerlessness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelife89 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I have been a week NC and I just keep thinking about the good things about him. I try hard to refocus my thoughts on why I went NC in the first place. Now I'm blaming myself, saying I should have been patient and maybe he would have come around. Now I'm overthinking everything I did, trying to see if I did something to deserve being treated as an option. I'm wondering if I gave off hot/cold vibes and mixed signals as well because I don't want a relationship while in school... Is this normal? I feel like no progress has been made except for the fact that I haven't reached out or contacted him. When did you guys in NC feel breakthrough? When do you stop trying to figure out why you werent good enough? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I have been a week NC and I just keep thinking about the good things about him. I try hard to refocus my thoughts on why I went NC in the first place. Now I'm blaming myself, saying I should have been patient and maybe he would have come around. Now I'm overthinking everything I did, trying to see if I did something to deserve being treated as an option. I'm wondering if I gave off hot/cold vibes and mixed signals as well because I don't want a relationship while in school... Is this normal? I feel like no progress has been made except for the fact that I haven't reached out or contacted him. When did you guys in NC feel breakthrough? When do you stop trying to figure out why you werent good enough? I WAS good enough. That's why I ended it and he knew it. That was the end of figuring anything out. It's all I needed to know. Here's the distinction... I was good enough for more than him. I was good enough to have a man who loved and devoted himself to me. Just me. That wasn't him. Now I have that. I feel content, happy, and secure. With xMM, those were fleeting moments in fantasy. With my husband, it's constant. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) You're doing the right thing. This thing about maintaining a friendship after people have been intimate, is a story we tell ourselves so that we can keep hanging on. I have never been able to sustain a "just friends" relationship with an ex. That doesn't mean that we're enemies, it just means that the "relationship" is over. The only thing I have with an ex that could be construed as a friendship is the relationship I have with xMM. We're on decent terms but do not seek one another out. Do yourself a favor and make it a rule to never date a newly separated man. They're confused and nowhere near ready to get involved in another relationship. Regardless of what you develop between yourselves, it will most likely fall apart. And it has been my experience that once a man starts the hot and cold game, they rarely stop. What you did by cutting this guy off, is basically let him know that you respect yourself too much to put up with his nonsense. Action is about the only thing men truly understand. Don't be surprised if he comes knocking on your door again, but don't be too quick to let him back into your life. If you do, the same dynamics will happen again. Edited August 24, 2015 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelife89 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 You're doing the right thing. This thing about maintaining a friendship after people have been intimate, is a story we tell ourselves so that we can keep hanging on. I have never been able to sustain a "just friends" relationship with an ex. That doesn't mean that we're enemies, it just means that the "relationship" is over. The only thing I have with an ex that could be construed as a friendship is the relationship I have with xMM. We're on decent terms but do not seek one another out. Do yourself a favor and make it a rule to never date a newly separated man. They're confused and nowhere near ready to get involved in another relationship. Regardless of what you develop between yourselves, it will most likely fall apart. And it has been my experience that once a man starts the hot and cold game, they rarely stop. What you did by cutting this guy off, is basically let him know that you respect yourself too much to put up with his nonsense. Action is about the only thing men truly understand. Don't be surprised if he comes knocking on your door again, but don't be too quick to let him back into your life. If you do, the same dynamics will happen again. Thank you. I don't think I want to let him in ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelife89 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) I've been feeling very angry this week. With the distance I am able to look at something's with a clear head. From what I understand, separation is a kind of break and the marriage can go either way. I don't get why he doesn't just focus on working on his marriage instead of running around, acting like he is single? I also think about certain words he used. He said MC did not help them and they are at an impasse...so clearly the decision to divorce hasn't been made. He has feelings for her but they are only feelings like for a friend...what the heck does that even mean? He isn't even divorced yet, how can he only have her as a friend? He also cooked for his mom on Mother's Day and invited her over. On Mother's Day he was trying to woo me back in with message after message. The only conclusion I have is that he was blowing up my phone while sitting having dinner with her and it angers me. I didn't put two and two together until now. I am angry because when I went NC with him he knew why, he knew my feelings and I was hurting. Then he does all this extra crap to get me to talk to him again for what? The same bullsh*t situation? Sorry for the vent, but I'm about a second away from picking the phone up and letting him know just want I think of him. I'm feeling like a fool for being kind in my last message to him. I wish I would have left a sting he won't forget. Edited August 26, 2015 by Lovelife89 Link to post Share on other sites
TerraIncognita Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Love life, don't regret being kind in your last message. I am closing in on 40, and looking back, I don't regret being kind to somebody who didn't deserve it, but I do regret being mean to those who did. Your exposé will fall on deaf ears - these men are in no state to see things objectively. You will only hurt yourself. Walk away with your head held high, THIS you will never regret. No matter how hard it is to accept at the moment, the best revenge is indeed being happy... Without them! Stay in NC and keep repeating to yourself that this (whatever you feel - pain, anger, despair, etc) will not last forever. This too shall pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts