My boyfriend told his ex he loved her. Did I make the right choice?

[eleanor-renee]

I’m nineteen years old and have been with my boyfriend for ten months. He is my first actual boyfriend and the only guy I have ever been in love with. He moved to my city from the other side of the world because of a scholarship he received for university here.

 

Anyways, when we first began hanging out, his ex-girlfriend was constantly messaging him and calling him. She would still comment on all his pictures over social media, and I actually questioned him a few times on whether they were still together or not, but he assured me that they had broke up before he moved and that they still talk because they didn’t want to end it badly. So I was fine with it and it didn’t bother me much.

 

However, as we entered into an actual relationship and became more serious, he and his ex-girlfriend stopped staying in contact. But nonetheless, I gradually became more and more insecure about his past and whether he still had feelings for her. My trust issues were so bad that I began to drive myself insane. There was a night that I remember he was snapchatting someone all night, and I knew it was her. And it wasn’t until a few weeks later that I found out that she had taken my place as his top friend. I know it’s not a big deal because he and I barely even use snap chat, but they must have snapchatted countless times for her to have become his top friend over me. He claimed she was just questioning him about school because her friend was considering moving for university as well. He said they never actually talk. A month or so later, I found out they were messaging one night while he and I were hanging out. I went over to his house in the morning while he was asleep, and he didn’t have time in the morning to erase it before I came over, and I got extremely upset, and he assured me that she was just asking when she could bring some of his clothes to his house. However, it didn’t seem to make sense to me. Anyways, all this led to my trust issues becoming terrible and I know I drove him insane, but I mainly was just hurting myself. I believe a lot of this was due to the birth control pills I was taking at the time which were having an extremely negative impact on me, and my doctor took me off them before I left for Europe.

 

So, as I just stated, I went to Switzerland for two months for a university course, and this was all fine. This was a time when I realized how much he actually loved me. He was constantly concerned about my well being and was always making sure I was safe and was having fun. I could see how lonely was feeling and how much he missed me. He spent most of his time at my house with my family, and he even had a discussion with my mother which he told her how much he loved me and how he has never loved anyone like this before. He even told me one night that he doesn’t want me to ever feel insecure with him so he has blocked his ex-girlfriend from every social media website.

 

When I came home, I went to his house one day to wait for him to finish work. I went on his computer to entertain myself while waiting, and his facebook popped up. I became curious, and I found a conversation he had with his ex girlfriend two weeks before I left for Europe where he said that he loved her and when she told him to stop talking to her, he said he wouldn’t give up. I began having a panic attack and started bawling my eyes out, and I called him at work and told him I was done and I never wanted to see him again. He instantly left work and met me while I was walking home, and begged me to come back to his house to explain. He confessed that he had done it and said theres nothing he can say to defend himself other than that he and his friend were just joking around one night and messaging random people. I’m not sure whether I believe that, but I know that when he realized he was about to lose me, it was like his life was over. He just cried and cried and kept trying to hug me as he repeated, “what the hell have I done?” He begged and begged for another chance and said he would do whatever it takes to prove his love for me. He deactivated his facebook, and showed me that he had her blocked from everything. I told him I would give him one more chance, but I told him I wasn’t going to get over it quickly and that he isn’t getting anymore chances.

 

However, I’m finding it hard to get over at all. It’s been three months since then and I still drive both of us insane with it. All he does is show me how much he loves me and he makes sure everyone knows. He’s been absolutely perfect and everyone tells me how wonderful it is to have someone who loves me so much, but I just find it so difficult to get over it. I mean, he knew how insecure I was about her, yet he still went ahead and told her he loved her? He has really shown me that I’m different than anyone else, but I still can’t seem to get past it and I know he’s getting fed up. He wants to move forward, and we’re both about to move to the same city for university, and he is excited to start this new chapter together, but I’m just afraid of getting hurt again and I just wonder if I should have walked away the first time. I mean, the thought of losing him hurts like a bitch, but the thought of getting hurt by him again is even worse. I don’t know why I’m writing this, I’m just searching for some opinions or reassurance I guess.

 

Thanks. Sorry for this being so long.

Edited August 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads and copied more complete version into starting post

[d0nnivain]

It's the drama of young love. Everybody is learning where & how to draw good, healthy boundaries. If he has cut her out of his life & is being a good BF now, continue if that is what you want to do but do keep your eyes open.

 

 

What happens when he goes home to visit?

[JewelD]

He lied to you, straight up. Yes, people play around online, but in what universe is it a fun joke to message your ex and tell her you love her? and the fact that she asked him to leave her alone shows that he'd been bugging her for awhile.

 

He cried when he thought you were going to leave because he knew he would be alone. If the other girl had returned his feelings, he probably wouldn't have cared whether you left or not.

 

Something similar happened to me. My ex lied about where he was going so he could 'study' with some girl. He said they were just friends and he didn't even like her, but I knew in my gut he was lying. No guy is going to go through all that effort and crying unless he meant what he did.

 

I NEVER got over it. It kept coming up and then new incidents would happen and the trust was gone.

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to move forward with someone who was professing his love for someone else and then staying with me because he got rejected. If his ex were to change her mind, are you confident that he wouldn't talk to her?

 

If it still bothers you, it's probably always going to until you trust him again. and that can be hard to do. But if you decide to stay with him, you have to be mentally prepared for the fact that it may happen again. If you know you couldn't handle it happening or something similar, end it.

[Qboro90]

How far away does his ex live? Are they able to see each other at all or is she in another country? If she's not anywhere close then don't concern yourself with her because the logistics make it impossible for them to be together or cheat on you so no need to worry about that.

 

However the excuse about him and a friend just joking around is complete bs. It's not even a good lie, there's just nothing else he could think of to explain it. So don't give him the benefit of the doubt there. The reason he became so lovey dovey with you when you went to Switzerland is because she told him to stop talking to her. That's when he realized his only option was you so he started to make the effort to ensure you stay. If she never told him to leave her alone then you wouldn't be getting the same "perfect" treatment you have been getting lately.

[dyna85]

I could never trust someone who would do this. This guy is a liar. He lied to your face when he told you he was randomly messaging people. He told her he LOVED her and wouldn't give up ever. He has kept in constant communication with her throughout your relationship. The signs are clear as day and blaring neon red. Of course you are concerned and still feeling unsettled about this. It's your gut telling you what's up, because you know what's up girl. You can't trust a liar. If one lies about the small things, one can lie about the big things, and liars don't make good relationship partners, unless you're both okay with the lying, but then, what kind of relationship is that? Don't let him play you for the fool any further. I would get out if I were you. Trust, once broken, if very difficult to restore.