Sleeping around after a break up - why do people do it?

[vickyj]

So it's 2 month post BU - my relationship was short, 6 months, but very intense/happy.

 

My ex had been single around 3 months before he met me, although his previous relationship had fizzled out much earlier and he and his ex (or rather, ex-ex now) had split up mutually and agreed it should have happened much earlier. He never wanted his ex back and she is now in a happy relationship with someone else.

 

Anyway, within his 3 month single period from September-December last year, he slept around alot. He'd meet random people off tinder, have his way with them, flirt over text and that was it. He would move onto the next one. When we met and got together, he stopped doing this obviously and told me that he regretted going through this phase and that it was just an ego thing.

 

We split for a variety of reasons, nothing bad happened in our relationship and to be honest it was very sudden on my part, one day he decided that he was too young (he is 21 next month) and didn't want to be tied down and just wanted to have fun whilst he was at the age to do so, but assured me it was 'nothing to do with me'. He has now admitted to me that he hasn't YET slept around, but that he has turned back into the 'cocky arrogant over confident' (his words) person that he was at the end of last year and aims to sleep around again.

 

So I guess I am just after a few opinions/a bit of clarification - why do guys, and girls I guess in some circumstances, sleep around after a break up? Personally I would not even think about it, I'd just feel dirty and if I was the dumper as he is, it would just make me think about my ex even more and feel nothing but guilt. Do people that sleep around ever regret it and eventually realise that they let a good thing slip away for the sake of probably a few STI's from people that mean absolutely nothing to them?

[LeslieKnope]

A few points here:

 

- Was this a mutual breakup or did someone initiate it?

 

- I'm not sure why he's telling you he's looking to sleep around OR why you're still talking to him in any case. Did you both mutually agree to be friends? Are you really okay with the breakup? Is he? This is sort of why people recommend No Contact after a breakup, regardless the level of drama (or lack thereof)...

 

- He's very young. If he needs to sow his wild oats (or you, for that matter!), let him.

 

- I don't really see anything wrong with anyone seeking out consensual fun with other adults even immediately after a breakup, so long as they're not leading them on. Also, you're making assumptions about STIs. Obviously, not having any kind of sexual activity is the only way to ensure you won't get them for sure. But really, contraceptives and common sense allows for some flexibility.

 

Anyway, to each their own.

[vickyj]

His previous break up was mutual - ours wasn't. He brought it up out of the blue one day but obviously there was nothing I could do about it. I still want to be with him but he wants to be single, it's as simple as that really!

 

We've done periods of NC but I admit I suck at it and he doesn't help as he contacts me from time to time aswell - I haven't been initiating contact for the past month but if he initiates it I'll reply which I know I have to stop! It's been a few days since we spoke (and he told me he was probably going to sleep around during a conversation when he told me to 'forget him' - I said it'd be easier for me to do so if I had a proper reason to ie if he had cheated on me - I don't wish this had happened, just an example - and he said 'there is a reason, I'm a cocky arrogant dickhead like I used to be'.)

 

I just think it's a bit stupid seems as he supposedly regretted it last time he did it but he's also admitted to still having trouble getting over the death of his father 4 years ago and this is simply how he feels better about himself.

[d0nnivain]

People make the choices to have multiple partners (sleep around) for various reasons. To some it validates them. It makes them feel attractive. For others it's the allure of strange. After being with one person for a long time they simply want different.

 

 

With your EX, at his age I suspect its more about still enjoying being single. He didn't want to be tied down & his behavior reflects that. Commitment isn't his thing.

 

 

Since it is yours & you don't care to sleep around, don't. But also stop paying attention to what he's doing. Concentrate on you.

[vickyj]

I guess. I definitely won't be doing anything of the sort any time soon! It's only harder for me because at the beginning of the relationship I got all the 'maybe we can be together in the future, just not now' stuff but if he's single he's single and I should stop dwelling on what he's doing as it's nothing to do with me now.

[LeslieKnope]

Oh Vicky, that sucks. Saying 'maybe we'll be together in the future' is a cowardly and cruel way to break up - it gave you unrealistic hope. I get where you're coming from now.

 

Don't worry about him and try really, really hard to go no contact (who wants to talk to some guy bragging about his current/future exploits anyway?). You do what's good for you.

[Diezel]

Simpler question is: Why not?

 

I don't understand why it is seen as a negative to do what you want.

People don't get criticized for choosing different restaurants to eat whenever they want.

 

I've yet to get a call back from TGIFriday's as to why I haven't come back since 2006.

[vickyj]

Yeah, he said it multiple times then would go cold on me then when I said stuff like well if you don't want me now you've lost me forever he'd be like 'oh well looks like you've made your choice even though I said maybe' I think he just gets a kick out of confusing me. I'm trying not to have false hope, and I aim to stay NC from when we last spoke for as long as I possibly can (hopefully there won't be an end to it!)

[vickyj]

I don't think your comparison is too relevant here! Completely different situations

[Meli22]

Could be many reasons. Some people do it for a distraction, an ego boost.. Who knows. I've never done it after a break up but a lot of people do.

[aloneinaz]

OP,

 

 

You need to make a decision here. This guy told you he wants to be single. You're clinging/hoping that he will come back to you which is not likely, unless for a booty call by him. If you want to heal and move on, you need to go no contact with him.

 

 

He is clearly confident w/good self esteem if he's out whoring it up, adding notches to his bed post. He's enjoying his youth. I see nothing wrong with it either. Whether it's a girl or a guy who just wants to enjoy sex with other people, who cares. Hopefully, he's being responsible in not picking up STD's.

 

 

I'm not going to judge you for choosing not to want to go out and sow some oats and I don't think you should be judging him either. He's not your worry or problem. He's your ex.

[mightycpa]

OP, D0nnivain has me at least partially pegged...

 

The first time, I realized that there was just something really validating about a complete stranger giving themselves away to me. At the time, I didn't know what I was dealing with. So, validation, #1.

 

Also, it was also a way to find a temporary replacement for the intimacy that I felt was lost. At the time, I didn't know what I was really searching for. So, substitution #2.

 

The time after that, it was just such a relief to be with someone who didn't demand so much from me, rather than that shrew of an ex-gf of mine. At the time, I didn't really realize what I was trying to escape from. So, escape, #3.

 

Then, the one after that, I slept around with her friends. I knew exactly what I was doing then. So, revenge, #4.

 

After the next few GF's, it was pretty much because of the fun of it. So, fun, #5.

 

The common thread was that it was somebody else, and that meant the most to me every stinkin' time.

[PinkElephants]

I'm a girl but I was your ex when I was 19-20 or so. I had a friend that got married young, had kids young and then watched as she detonated her family because she suddenly realized she'd never had fun and started sleeping around. That really scared me and I decided to get it all out of my system while I was young and free.

 

Why did I do it? I enjoyed the thrill of the chase (women like picking guys up too), I liked the lack of commitment, not having to answer to anyone, being free to do as I pleased.

 

Your ex is right, it has nothing to do with you. He would probably have left anyone and he did according to your post. It has everything to do with him and his desire for sexual exploration. I did date a guy for about 6 months but ended it and, to this day, I don't regret it. He wanted to get married and have kids and if I'd stayed, I might have ended up just like my friend.

 

I have zero regrets about any of it. My boyfriend knows that I had a lot of fun in my past; he also understands that I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. I've had enough crappy sex to know that I've got it really good right now and I've dated enough substandard men to appreciate how much I'm loved and how well I'm treated now. I know I'm not missing out on anything by being monogamous and can happily dive into commitment because I know it's better than what I left behind. For many people, dating and sex is part of the road to emotional growth and you can't fault him for walking it differently than you. He's not wrong, he's just not compatible with you.

 

The line about letting a good thing slip away over sex with STI infected randoms is judgmental, derogatory language that shows that you have no respect for his choices. You say it's stupid, it's how he's coping with the family death and how he feels better about himself. It sounds like you're smarting from the rejection. You're also doing an awful lot of analyzing a guy who's not interested in you instead of figuring out why you're so hung up on a guy who's not interested in you.

[Oregon_Dude]

Personally I really feel the need to hook up with someone new asap in order to wash away some of my ex's memory.

[contel3]

You're heartbroken. Single.

 

You get to have some fun, you get over your ex faster and (contrary to a rebound) nobody gets hurt because there's absolutely no feelings involved.

[nellbell86]

I am just going through pretty much this exact same thing with my ex, who is also 21 next month. He has had quite a few sexual partners for his age, but when we met convinced me "you're The One, I want to be with you forever" etc etc. Roll on 7 months later, when I am absolutely head over heels ecstatic sing it from the rooftops in love with him, and he blindsides me out of the blue with "I need time to figure myself out, its not you, I do love you, I'm just emotionally unavailable (wtf?!) for a relationship" blah blah blah. Saying he doesnt even want to hook up with anyone cos they always end up falling for him (cocky much?!) and he doesn't want that. Two weeks later I hear he's already drunkenly slept with someone else.

 

I have to agree with everything you've said, honestly I think the age thing is a cop out. When I was 21 I was married and had a child (I'm 29 now). I didn't feel like it was wasted or I wanted to get out and 'be young' etc, my marriage ended for different reasons. But to use that excuse that they're young and just want to go have fun and be young while they can, nope doesn't cut it for me. No matter what age, if you've found an incredible, supportive, loving partner who accepts you for you and genuinely wants to see a future with you, why the f*** would you throw that away just cos you're young and feel like you 'have' to go and be young and screw around. Being young isn't the excuse, being a dumb jerk is. And trust me your ex, my ex, they'll regret it one day.

[vickyj]

nellbell,

 

Yep, my ex is the same with the cockiness. I'm just leaving him to it now, it's just a harder situation because I know how genuine and lovely he CAN be, he's just not choosing to be and the fact that he's said he doesn't want to cut me out of his life/said he would consider being with me again in the future at the beginning of our break up confuses me, but I don't want to be a doormat or just the girl he settles for.

 

So I have cut myself off, currently nearly 2 weeks NC (I know it's not much considering we've been split 2 months + but we'd have random weeks of NC before one of us would ruin it, we haven't been speaking the whole time) and he's off on the holiday we were supposed to be going on together in two days with a friend so hopefully he has time to seriously think about how he's coming across! I agree, they'll regret it one day!