How did I get myself in this mess?

[Sublime]

Hey all. I already know I’m a moron so please keep the flames to a minimum.

I’m utterly depressed and could really use all of your input on my ever worsening situation.

 

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m a 33yo male from SE Asia, grew up outside the US and came here only in the 9th grade. If you know anything about SE Asian families, they are extremely traditional when it comes to marriage. I was married once before for 4 years which ultimately ended in a divorce due to irreconcilable differences. Both of us were pretty “westernized” and got married after we met on our own. For a SE Asian, divorce is taboo and subsequently puts you into a “second-tier” group of people should you choose to get an arranged marriage. And that’s exactly what happened to me.

 

You see, my parents wanted nothing but to see their children happy as do most parents. Being that I was already married once before on my own, my parents took it upon themselves to find a wife for me the second time around. They asked if I was OK with it to which I replied that it was OK. They basically do the legwork and I make the ultimate decision. Sort of like having your own dating service that does all of the background checks for you.

 

Not long after I was separated, my parents started their search for a traditional SE Asian wife. They perused online ads, spoke with friends, etc. Mind you, they can only look for people who have already been married…..remember, the “second-tier.” After months of searching they presented me with various candidates. Finally there was one that looked attractive enough and had an innocent enough reason for her divorce (first husband cheated on her and the marriage lasted 6 mos). We’ll call her Gene. She lived in the Middle East so seeing her on a regular basis was out of the question. We spoke over the phone once a week and emailed each other regularly. This all started around Jan. ‘04. My divorce was slated to become finalized in May, ’04 and things were progressing along. In April, I decided to head to the Middle East to meet my future second wife.

 

Here’s where it gets interesting. The day before my divorce was final (May), I met a woman at a friends’ party, let’s call her Jane. Jane is not SE Asian but half Italian and Finnish. We had a blast. Jane obtains my email from the invite list and asks whether I’d like to join her and a few friends dancing the following weekend. I agree and had a blast yet again. By now the divorce is final and things are looking up in the world. At this point, I made it clear to Jane that I was not looking for a serious relationship, just got out of a divorce, wanted to have fun and not take things very seriously. She agreed and we proceeded to have fun over the next 4 months. I then shared with her the fact that I was getting to know another woman that could potentially become my next wife. That hit her like a ton of bricks but she persevered. Then I began to develop feelings for her and I started to get nervous.

 

Why did I get nervous you ask? Because like an idiot, I basically could not find a reason why not to marry Gene so I gave my parents the OK to proceed. Immigration papers had to be filed, arrangements to be made, etc. On top of this, my parents were not keen on me marrying someone outside my race. They felt I would get the love and support I need from someone within my race. So telling them to basically interrupt the process that was extremely far along was akin to breaking off an engagement practically. Fast forward a few months and Jane is getting anxious. She cannot comprehend why I won’t tell my parents about her. I try explaining to her that it’s complicated, explain some reasons but I don’t tell her how close I am to practically marrying Gene mostly because I didn’t want to hurt her since she professed many times how much she loved me. I would have probably broken up with her anyway even though I couldn’t stand to. So I marry Gene shortly thereafter and now I’m miserable. After 6 months, I cannot stop thinking about Jane. Most everything about Jane was exactly what I looked for in a life partner. She loved me, supported me, cared about me and most of all, understood me and the intimacy was like none that I’ve ever had before. I get none of this from my current wife and I’m utterly depressed. We don’t share much in common and I basically settled for someone that I would have never considered for a wife.

 

So why did I do it? Because I did what was expected of me in a SE Asian family. I did it because how well was I supposed to get to know someone over an 8 month period that’s thousands of miles away. Because my parents and sisters did it and they all seem to be doing fine. But, more importantly because I didn’t have the courage/balls to go against my parents and take a chance on Jane. Now I regret it. And why haven’t I got a divorce yet? Because it would devastate my family and possibly me as well. The community is small and they would practically have to go into hiding because of the shame I will bring them. Also, the chances of me ever meeting someone in my own race that would even tolerate me being married twice is slim to none. And then there’s the fear of being alone. After all, I’m not getting any younger.

 

I’m currently not happy. All I do is think about Jane and what could have been. What I currently have with Gene is empty and hollow. We’re not even in the same room/bed. We stay in separate rooms. Intimacy is non-existent. I’ve basically done everything I could have done to reject Gene. I know it’s not fair to her and she’s miserable as well. All I want to do is turn back time and be with Jane and spare Gene the grief she’s going through. I’ve attended therapy and it doesn’t help. One says to get a divorce ASAP and try to get back with Jane. Another says she can help me either way but only after I make the decision as to whether I want a divorce or not. I pray to God for him to give me the strength and wisdom to make a decision.

 

I’ve basically boiled everything down to the following:

1) Stay married – I could be happy over time like my sisters or parents

2) Stay married – I could be miserable and end up having an affair.

3) Get a divorce - I could be alone for a very long time with no guarantee that I’d meet someone else.

4) Get a divorce – I could try to make myself happy and have the optimism that I’ll meet the right partner eventually (even after 2 failed marriages).

5) Get a divorce – And try my best to get back together with Jane (if at all possible?)

 

For those of you who select #5, remember that she doesn’t even know that I’ve remarried although she knew full well that I was struggling between her and Gene and all of the external forces behind it. She eventually broke up with me because even though she loved me, she didn’t think I loved her enough to go against my parents.

 

Also, for those who select #5, based on the above, do you think I even have a remote chance anymore with Jane even if I got a divorce and professed my true lover for her?

I know this has been a long post and I apologize in advance but it feels good to get things off my chest. Thanks in advance to all who read this and reply.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I feel for you. It's tough as your culture, the pressures of living and pleasing your parents...Not rocking the boat.

 

I'd say F it, and just go to Jane, tell her the truth now. All of it. Profess your love - Beg her to see you again! Get a divorce, you can't stay in that marriage as you're MISERABLE...

 

I know it will be extremely hard for you, all the changes, dealing with the fallout...BUT it is YOUR LIFE. You're the one who has to look in the mirror and feel what you feel. Don't lie to yourself...Don't live a lie. You deserve all the happiness in the world - SO go get it!

 

Hope this helps.

[New_Wife]

I would suggest you talk to someone in your community or your closes family or sibling that you can trust. I was raised Catholic and we had a thing called Confession where you went into this little booth and spilled your secrets to a priest behind a privacy screen. Didn't always help, but it's a cultural thing and sometimes those small comforts are huge.

 

Anyway, if you have something like that - a place you can air your concerns with someone who is from your same culture and understands the unique pressures, I'd try that and see what response you get there. I've had some female friends from similar backgrounds, and caught a glimpse of the rules and tight-knit family pressure and I don't envy you this dillema. Best of luck to all concerned.

[Sublime]

Thanks for the replies so far.

It is indeed my life. I'm constantly worrying about everyone else and how they feel. I can't ever bring myself to feel good about myself. I always guilt myself into thinking about how others would feel. I'm too sensitive I guess.

 

As far as talking to siblings. NO way. They don't want to see me get divorce #2. Their exact words......"your stuck in it, now make it work!" Parents are out of the question.....it would practically kill them as they already worry themsleves to death as it is.

 

I can't really speak to anyone as the community is so tight knit, if I say one thing to one person, it'll get around for sure. I found this site and thought I'd ask you unbiased individuals your thoughts.

 

I know if I make a decision ot get a divorce, it has to be independent of whether I can get back with my ex girlfriend. There's no guarantee she'll ever take me back after this. I guess it's obvious that no one can make this decision except myself. Even multiple therapists can't help me on this one.

 

As I write this I'm shaking my head in disgust and disbelief. I can't believe I let myself get indirectly pressured into this situation. Now I have to live with myself and my own guilt that I didn't have the balls to postpone the wedding and make sure I wasn't making a mistake. I don't ever wish anyhing like this on any of you. May you all truly find the happiness you seek.