Need advice- husband can't stand my child!

[lonelyctg]

Hi Everybody. I really, really need advice this time. I was so upset this morning I called in sick to work. I felt like throwing up because of it.

My husband can't stand to be around my little girl (she is 9). He said "I don't even want to be around her. I'm not watching her when she gets out of school for the summer, put her in day care."

She is not his real child, she is his step daughter. My husband has never liked children, though he wanted to marry me, go figure, like that makes sense. He knew I had a child when we got together. Now you may all be saying, "Leave his butt! Kick him out!" and I have thought of this, however, I have a low paying job in which I work 25 hours a week, no car, and right now I have 20.00 in my bank account.

It is really sad. This is my third marriage. I guess you could say I am really picking losers here. I don't know what to do.

He is always mean to my daughter, he doesn't hit her, he just ignores her, and if he has something to say to her, it is always, always negative. I know I should do what is best for my child, that is what is most important. But what to do when he is so loving at other times? He sure has a way of fooling me I guess.

Since I have no money, no car, no place to go live, and a job that sucks, what the heck I am supposed to do?

I have been crying all day. I feel like my heart is going to break into a million pieces.......

[whichwayisup]

Do you have a sister/brother/family around to helpout?

 

Sorry to tell you this...GET out of this marriage. This isn't fair to your daughter. This man is giving her insecurities about herself and trust me - later in life THIS EXPERIENCE will come into play. Her trust with men - ZERO, self confidence -ZERO. She may feel she isn't worthy of love by a man.

 

You made some bad choices, you now have a chance of fixing them. It's a tough place you're in but you must think of your daughter. Somehow you will manage, you have to...Staying in the marriage because of $$ and worrying about how hard it will be - Well, the situation you're in now is really bad...Anything is better than what's happening now.

[New_Wife]

You've mentioned what you don't have. Those are options. Let me tell you an absolute that you don't have: A do-over raising this human being.

 

Please allow me to be very clear here: If you screw up this kid by passively allowing this man to emotionally abuse her - YOU CANNOT HAVE A DO-OVER.

 

If a car, money, better job, or financial security is more important to you than that basic fact - put her into foster care. Harsh but true. Sorry.

 

Now, if you decide to split - please call your local YWCA and explain your situation. You'd be amazed at the plethora of options available for women with children trying to get on their feet. No YWCA? Call Dept of social services, your local church, women's shelter, call and call and call and don't stop till you've found some options.

 

It's your choice to be a part of your child's problem or her solution.

[Merin]

I have to point one thing out to you.. You've said your husband has NEVER liked children.. and yes while he did know that you have a child BEFORE he married you, YOU knew he didn't like Kid's (specifically yours) as well BEFORE you married him...

 

That out there...

 

This is just one of those issues that really makes me angry.. I'm sorry but it really does.

 

I've got 2 little people myself and am a single Mom.. there isn't any way I date ANYONE who doesn't like Kids and for real if someone thought they were going to be mean to my Kids in any way they need not let the door hit em where the Good Lord split em!

 

Staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't like your Daughter and makes that very clear isn't okay... your daughter is a little girl and she isn't able to make choices for herself... she looks to you to make good choices for her and do whats in her best interest...

 

As New_Wife has mentioned there are a lot of programs out there for Single Moms who are struggling... seek them out and get some help for yourself and your Daughter.

[j10]

My sister did the same thing you did except that she has 4 daughters. This was 5 years ago when it began...now she has lost custody of 2 of her daughters. The other 2 are in and out of her house and would rather live with the dad. Men are everywhere. Help is everywhere. You daughter is in your custody and love you. I would hope that with mother instinct you do what is right for your daughter. She needs you more than anything. Be there for her, stand up for her and tell him this has to stop. Make him go to counseling or he's out...tell him you won't put up with this nonsense. Hope it goes good for you-- let us know.

[New_Wife]

You mentioned the number of times you've been married.

 

Well, suck it up.

 

We all make mistakes - welcome to the club. Anyone who has nothing better to do than count yours (including you) really ought to invest in a bit of a life.

 

PLEASE get yourself into some counseling - like yesterday. I suspect you're so busy counting why no guy would ever want you again, that you've forgotten to figure out what YOU might want in yourself and then - at some point - what a man would need to do or be to DESERVE you and your wonderful child as part of his family. Adjust Focus please.

[lonelyctg]

Thank you for your posts, and I do agree, don't get me wrong, I need to do what is best for my daughter- I am going to call my brother and ask if I may stay with him, don't know how i will get to work and get her to school, but I guess I can figure it out. When my husband and I were first dating, he acted fine with her, he didn't say anything about not liking kids, as a matter of fact, he even said he would not mind having his own someday.

So why he acts this way, I am not quite sure.

I also agree that while I have it bad now, how much worse can it get, that you guys are right, I should just move on with my life and find a man who treats me and treats my child the way we should be treated.

It's a tough place to be right now, I certainly do not want my child's life messed up any worse than it already is, someone said I won't have a do-over with her life, and you are right, you only get one chance when you are raising kids. I need to show her how much I love her and put my foot down with him right now.

There is so much life to live, and so much love to give- I am wasting my time with this loser.

[moimeme]

I am wasting my time with this loser.

 

You sure are. He may be nice to you sometimes, but that's just not good enough. You absolutely deserve better, and so does your daughter.

 

There are lots of services out there - don't stop if you don't find help after the first few calls. You will find help for sure if you keep at it. And surely your family will come to the rescue when they find out your little girl is being affected.

[Brandi Renee]

You knew what to do before you posted .

 

Get your self a pair of balls and use them. You will save your daughter from anymore damage just before she enters her adolescent stage.

 

I was a single mom and did the whole thing from scratch - welfare to work to real estate appraiser making triple digits. ON MY OWN. It is not easy - or fun, or quick,but you will never have the situation you are in now if you can stand on your own two feet. These days its pretty much mandatory for a woman to be able to hold her own.

 

There are allot of single dads and hot ones too that would like to combine families. Try yahoo personals if need be.

[RecordProducer]

But you can't stay with this man. Your daughter is only 9 years old. If she were 16, she could move out in two years, but you will be living with her for the next 9 years. Your husband is a big trauma in her childhood. I've been a step-child and a step-mother and I hated both. Your daughter will be better of with less money and less stress. You really need to do this for your kid.

First thing, you have to find a better job or find one more job. If you can't live with your brother, perhaps you could live with a room mate (maybe some woman who also has kids).

My ex-husband left me because I couldn't get along with his daughter. My mom left her husband (too late) when she found out that he molested me when I was a child. I dumped my ex-boyfriend because he didn't show any affection toward my kids, he didn't even touch them or smiled at them.

People DO leave their partners because they are mean to their children. I can't forgive my mother not living her 2nd husband many years ago.

[Jtizzle]

Jus as everyone above has said..leave...my mom is a single parent..went from the rags to riches story all on her own..and she says i am the inspiration for that..and u should let your daughter be the inspiration for ur success..

 

my moms says she sees it like this..if a man cant love me or our cat (she calls her son) then he doesnt love her, because we are apart of her..and i mean who could be mean to a kid anyway, their so darn cute ...but yea its good ur tryin to leave, this will save your daughter a buttload of tears later..i say for the next man u test him with your daughter...see if he invites her to go out with you two on dates, or when her bday comes up if he gets her something special..all the signs will be in your face if he is geniune...also make sure for the next guy up to bat that you ask how he feels about children..