Another Tragic Ending

[Blue73]

I have no place else to turn and hope for support please from others who have gone through the stages- tonight is the hardest. The kind where you cant drink water, eat, cannot function. etc.

 

I look back on my older posts and cannot believe what has happened to me. I was so strong, and now sit here a blubbering mess. Two years ago if he said he was going back to wife to work things out, I would have been elated for him. What started out more than two years ago as a perfect "A" (if you could have one) has now ended. Insert anyone on this forum here: He wants to stop the "A" to go work on marriage, he feels guilty, loves me but thinks I deserve more.

I have been following all your stories for years and felt so much pain for you guys but continued my "A" because my "A" was perfect. Was not like what was happeneing to others on this forum (*Insert face slap here*) Yes we had minor bumps but always cared enough to work through them. We even agreed 6 months ago to make MAJOR life changes with work so that we could continue a stronger longer term relationship, and I changed companies so my job interacted with his company more (*insert second face slap*). I have felt him pulling back a little and have always given him his space when he does this to regroup and work through whatever.. hey I get it we are all not monsters and feel badly sometimes for our families.

 

He has been attentive for over two years, moved mountains to spend time with me and even last week we had a really nice what if week playing house. He did mention at the begining of the week that he felt guilty that he couldnt give me more. He also commented that he LOVED the week and it was the best ever? Anyway- he started pulling away again, and Ive been kinda tired of it. In fact THIS STRONG woman has had two breakdown full on crying tantrums in front of him in the last two months alone. um... hello call the phych ward! How do these guys break us strong woman down just by pulling away? Texts/emails are slow incoming as they have been over the past 4 months and I called him out on it this morning. (trying to avoid a third meltdown) I mentioned that he seems like he is really pulling away and he tells me the whole story of how he is guillty and we have the conversation. Basically in a nutshell, tells me that his wife has been more attentive she is trying (Which I even pointed out a few weeks ago because she asked him to go out one night) he wants to end to work on home. I told him why dont we just take a break and we concentrate 100% on families and see where the future leads us. We might end up trying at home just to be frustrated again. (My marriage is so complicated - cannot end). Also, Ive read on here HUNDREDS of times, the guys get guilty, go home to work on marriages...just to come right back.

 

Here is the kicker: I asked him if there was someone else - which dont ask me how, I just fully believe him. He said no, honestly I just lost US. He doesnt have strong feelings for US like he use to and has wished he could get them back but cant (insert knife in heart same time karma is shoving her big boot up my you know what). He said that he has the strong feelings for his wife now and of course he is sorry- arent they all?

 

So I sit here needing help from LS friends....Ive been split in two. I know NC is the best thing to do, Im no longer strong enough to go through with NC. I dont know how to survive this...help.

I have to also make another HUGE life change that I MUST change again because I cannot interact with him and his company every day.

 

Thank you for reading and helping

[privategal]

Thats not a tragic ending...a tragic ending is dday, families destroyed...

He could've contiues future faking he chose the painfully honest approach.

It should've been the final straw when he "played house" WHILE at the same time dialing down your expectations..."wish I could give you more"=but I give it to my wife and u get leftovers...."you deserve better"=but instead of doing better by you, you get second best.

Then again...your marriage you say cant end?

I honestly cant see how this worked out any better then as an ending.

It HAD to end. He got exhausted living a double life. Guilt is real...its like tears...you hold them back...at some point they overflow...guilt does too.

Hold your dignity. Respect that he wants to be with the wife he married. The affair fog has lost its luster...its real now...he has two wives now...its not as fun when he has to answer for your emotions and be accountable for his wherabouts and how often he calls.

Move on as hard as it is...you have to.

So so sorry.

[Artie Lang]

i went to read your previous threads as i was not familiar with your situation and this is what stands out to me:

 

FYI this is both of our 2nd affairs. His most recent ended 4 months ago which puts me a little on edge as he did love her. Another reason why I am a bit skeptical, how can you be done with someone you loved for two years only 4 months ago and already produce actions like your are falling for someone else? Did he lure me into the emotional piece on purpose?

 

first off, you and him are serial cheaters. i don't exactly know why you can't/won't end your marriage and start fresh, but jumping into an affair to solve your stale marriage is not the solution. and secondly, this guy does seem like a player. he's had his fill with you and is now moving onto greener pastures, probably with a new conquest he has his eye on.

 

you really need to fix your troubled marriage or cut it loose before you fall knee-deep into affair #3. if you can enlighten us as to why you can't get a divorce maybe we can get a clearer picture as what you're dealing with. as of now, this is just a toxic cycle that you are engaging in with no end in sight until you deal with your marriage situation head on.

 

i realize this may not be what you wanted to hear but your own behavior is quite troubling. someone's gotta be frank with you.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Babs22]

Hi Blue73, I can tell you are in pain and I just wanted you to know, I feel for you. I am in an A as well, 2.5 years now and understand what you are feeling. I am not in your exact situation yet, but know it could happen to me some day. I often wonder why we give the MM in our relationship so much power over us? We are married too, but they seem to call the shots, right? I am not sure why your own marriage can not end. I am in a tough spot right now myself due to one of my children having mental illness, severe depression, but I do hope someday to move on (affair or no affair).

 

I don't know what your MM is feeling. I am sure the guilt may have gotten to be too much, maybe he wants to work on his M, maybe he does have someone else in mind, or maybe he just "lost that loving feeling". Either way, when I recently had a short period of NC due to my own emotional blow up, I just kept telling myself to have some self respect. We cannot make someone want to be with us. When they say they want some space or that they don't feel that way for us anymore (mine hasn't said that, but I can imagine that hurts like hell), then we need to love ourselves enough to let that person walk away. To contact them, to chase them down, would be pretty degrading to us. Be strong, focus on you, focus on your family. If you have kids, focus on them.

 

I am sorry that this came after such a wonderful week with him. Perhaps that is why he had that with you, to say good-bye. I am sorry you have to change your work. I know it will take time, but I agree with previous poster, if he wasn't going to leave his M, this is the best ending. This is far better than a D Day for you or him. Take care of you, it will take time, but you will survive this. Tell yourself that it is better this happened now rather than 1 or 3 years from now. Sorry you are in so much pain. Hugs

[lemondrop21]

Blue, I am so, so sorry. This entire post made me cringe because the experience sounds so terrible. The kicker was that he told you not only did he want to work on his marriage, but also that he no longer felt the same level of feelings for you. Sadly I suppose that's a preview of what would have ended up happening if you and he had gotten your "happy ending." He was addicted to the rush that comes from a new relationship, the secrecy etc. but that wore off. It hurts so much when someone we grew to love turns out to have a different personality than we thought. It almost feels like you never knew him, no? At minimum it must feel like you did not share the same kind of love for each other in the end. That is an absolutely crushing realization, and there is nothing that I or anyone else can say to make that pain better right now. You've just gotta feel it, like when someone dies and you have no choice but to grieve.

 

It sounds like you are in a pretty bad place, which could even be dangerous. Please recognize if you need to reach out to someone for help, aside from on these boards. It sounds to me like you're going to need some help handling yourself day to day for a few days. Have a crisis hotline number handy, and/or your therapist's number if you have one (if you don't have one, get one fast). I'm also wondering if there is any way you can get away for a few days to be with a friend or family member if any of them know and are supportive. I can't imagine how painful it would be to be hiding your grief from your husband and children if you have them, while you are experiencing it at such an intense level.

 

Every day that you get through without having some sort of a meltdown... where you eat something, sleep, and just literally get through life without being destructive towards yourself or others... pat yourself on the back for that. That's your only job right now. The deep introspection can wait a bit.

 

People, I'm sure that Blue does need to take a look at what she's done and do a lot of work on herself (as we all do) but I think being gentle on her is warranted at this point since it sounds like she feels as though she's in crisis. Just a suggestion.

 

Blue, I'm sending you a big hug. Remember your worth. Remember that there are people in the world who love you.

[Ms. Faust]

After reading your past posts I have to say, you sound pretty needy from the beginning. Maybe you should take the time and focus on yourself? Good luck.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi...

 

 

I know you are in intense pain right now, and I am so sorry to hear. There are a few on this Forum who will hit you with Frank advice right out of the gate, and you will need to hear it but perhaps in a few days.

 

 

For now, you must do your very, absolute best to go NC. MM has asked you to not disturb him. If you do, not only will you look mad, but it can be considered harassment. Do you have any friends nearby to get some support?

 

 

Can you take a few days off work and go to see family or friends? For me the first few days were the hardest, and that is when you may need something else to focus on.

[Ms. Faust]

Also, in your first post you said his previous affair was also 2 years.

 

It appears that the 2 year mark is his expiration date.

[Satu]

It's not a tragedy when two cheaters stop cheating.

 

It's a tragedy when they start cheating.

[whichwayisup]

It really comes down to accepting the situation as it is and knowing that when you've truly had enough, NC will stick because you respect and love yourself and will want nothing to do with him so you can protect yourself and have peace. Albeit sadness and pain but it's better that final 'ending and grieving' pain than roller coaster ride pain. Hope this makes sense to you. Stay strong!

[Blue73]

Thank you all for your support- the good bad and the ugly.

Maybe I should have titled this something other than a tragic ending. You are alll right, tragedy would be if others were hurt instead of us. It just came from a place of a broken heart and at the time my heart felt dead.

 

Last night was rough but I woke up alive and in less pain and accepting. Then my phone, emails, texts blew up this morning. He was FRANTIC and wanted to talk. I stayed NC for as long as I could and gave in this afternoon. I dont want to be a mean person and he begged me to talk to him because he was hurting.

 

We talked and have ended up in the same place but I am weaker since talking. If anyone reads this, do yourself a favor stick to NC. I didnt listen and I wished that I had. I know him well... this will settle and he will come back and will want to work out something we can both agree on. Ive asked for him to leave me alone since he doesnt know what he wants and he relunctantley agreed saying that time will give a better idea of how we should proceed.

 

For those that asked, Ive tried to leave my marriage so many times. My husband wont grant me a divorce and wont leave the house. My state has some funky rules about up and leaving the house and kids. I would have to file, and I did once..... it was not pretty and my children ended up suffering because they had to see us in a bad place in the house together. This is not admirable, but it works. MM was in the same situation with him family. Sometimes its just not that easy to divorce... OH I WISH IT WAS. I know some will blast me for this and thats for another forum. Those that have tried for a divorce and saw when your spouse doesnt agree and you watch your children suffer know what I mean....so we stay and pretend until the day that I can walk away. I dont pretend at home the we are all happy- he is fully aware that I dont want to be here and its his choice to live like this. My husband would rather have me than not at all.

 

For those who wish to offer your support instead of bashing...anymore advice?

[jaskiegs]

I am a MM currently in NC. This time, the NC was mostly initiated by me. I love her desperately but the relationship just couldn't continue and if we were to have any chance, I had to separate from her and figure out my own stuff.

 

Everyday is a struggle for me. Every single morning, I feel the pain return when I wake. Every night before I go to bed, I have to banish the thoughts. I've almost broken NC several times but I've now come to realize that I can't.

 

But the hard part is this: some part of me thinks we still have a chance. To be honest, that's the hardest part to kill. And so when I start to focus on the chance that we might have - and it almost convinced me to go over to her place, bang on her door, and ask her to marry me - I come here and read all the pain in OW's posts.

 

So my advice is read posts by OW who have been out of the A for a couple of years. They all, without exception, kick themselves. In essence, then, you have to "remember" that future self of you that is two years down the road and get through one more day of NC.

 

As for taking his call, I know without a doubt that if she contacted me, I'd take the call/text. Don't beat yourself up for that... just don't engage in the emotion of the conversation and, after a couple of times, you'll start to see through his reasoning.

 

Best of luck.

[Satu]

If you go NC and the other person seems to be desperate, and you break NC and talk to them, you are at best providing them with temporary relief. They might feel better for a while, but they haven't learned anything or moved forward.

 

If you don't break NC, they have to rely on their own resources, and find new ways of coping and behaving. They get to learn something.

 

It could be said that in many cases, NC is the more compassionate choice.

[sandylee1]

I'm thinking there's a lot of thrill and excitement to begin with, then after a while it can be as routine as some marriages. So from the perspective of a MM/MW who prefers the thrill and new relationship feeling, it doesn't seem worth getting busted once your pretty much getting bored.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am a MM currently in NC. This time, the NC was mostly initiated by me. I love her desperately but the relationship just couldn't continue and if we were to have any chance, I had to separate from her and figure out my own stuff.

 

Everyday is a struggle for me. Every single morning, I feel the pain return when I wake. Every night before I go to bed, I have to banish the thoughts. I've almost broken NC several times but I've now come to realize that I can't.

 

But the hard part is this: some part of me thinks we still have a chance. To be honest, that's the hardest part to kill. And so when I start to focus on the chance that we might have - and it almost convinced me to go over to her place, bang on her door, and ask her to marry me - I come here and read all the pain in OW's posts.

 

So my advice is read posts by OW who have been out of the A for a couple of years. They all, without exception, kick themselves. In essence, then, you have to "remember" that future self of you that is two years down the road and get through one more day of NC.

 

As for taking his call, I know without a doubt that if she contacted me, I'd take the call/text. Don't beat yourself up for that... just don't engage in the emotion of the conversation and, after a couple of times, you'll start to see through his reasoning.

 

Best of luck.

 

If you were my husband I'd set you free to be with the woman you love. Can't imagine living with a man who's in love with another woman.

 

Blue73, so sorry for all you're going through but your AP sounds very confused. Sounds as if he needs time in NC to figure things out. I know it's hard for you to do it, but in the end you'll be better off however it turns out.

Edited August 20, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[Goodbye]

If you were my husband I'd set you free to be with the woman you love. Can't imagine living with a man who's in love with another woman.

 

Blue73, so sorry for all you're going through but your AP sounds very confused. Sounds as if he needs time in NC to figure things out. I know it's hard for you to do it, but in the end you'll be better off however it turns out.

 

 

His wife doesn't know he had a lengthy affair or that he is in love with another woman. He "spared" her the burden of needing to deal with "his pain."

[Morro72]

Here is the kicker: I asked him if there was someone else - which dont ask me how, I just fully believe him.

Of course he's telling the truth. I mean, what possible incentive would he have to lie? Other than keeping you on the hook in case things don't work out with his new OW, that is.

[Blue73]

Thank you again everyone for your replies. I wish the tough love wasn't so tough as I am in a place where those comments maybe do some harm and push me deeper into despair. I know I deserve them but maybe a little more compassion? I was the BS at one point in my marriage so I get it.....

 

Today is HARD and Im sure its going to get harder. I can at least breathe and got dressed for work, but still not have eaten in two days. I dont know how we ended up here in the last two days: If I hadnt said I was unhappy with the way he was treating me, he said he would have just continued on. (I know that he sounds mean, He really is a caring person- it just sounds bad in that context)

Yesterday he was all frantic with emails/texts and phone calls to me agreeing to talk to him now he is respecting my request for space? Yesterday he didnt respect any space after I ignored him....the silence today is killing me. It was easier to walk away and be strong when he wanted to talk.

 

Drama drama drama! mixed with a whole bunch of heart ache.

[Blue73]

Of course he's telling the truth. I mean, what possible incentive would he have to lie? Other than keeping you on the hook in case things don't work out with his new OW, that is.

 

Let me ask you this question....If OM has someone else and is trying to keep me on the hook, why would they be so upset about losing me?

When a woman wants to walk away, dont they just say OK thank goodness I dont have to let her go, she is doing the dirty work for me and I can now go run off with new OW?

Dont ask me how I know, We are very very very close. (Daily communication 1 hour + phone calls plus texts all day- we are truly best friends) He has never spoken ill of his wife, for the past couple of months he has been commenting on little things like OMG you'll never guess- she asked me to come join me in my favorite hobby!" Little things like that where I see she is coming around to him more. He admits that maybe she was starting to feel him pulling away- I might mention that he had an almost D day and she probably questioned if he wasnt already doing something he was on the verge of doing something. I honestly know he loves her and if she is giving him the slightest attention (Which she is) He will want that- he pines for her. My concern is, Ive had experience with this: She will pull away again.

Our relationship was a band aide for our marriages.

[Satu]

When a person gets to a place where all their relationships have broken or absent boundaries, and those relationships have reached a state of chaos, the best option is to spend some time alone.

 

They need to stop pretending, and engage with the world as the person they really are.

 

This is a frightening idea for some, but the alternative is much worse.

 

 

Be exactly the same person on the inside and the outside.

[Blue73]

Still not good tonight. I called today and we had a productive conversation. I am sick of this confusion I dont know whats going on and where we are at. I need to know so I can heal. He was really into me for 2 years. He always was so clingy up until recently. Always said dont leave him. Im really happy for him that his wife of 25 years is finally showing some attention.. I am. We had an arrangement. Both of us were not going to leave but knew we would be in each others lives for the long haul sticking through ups and downs of our marriages. He tells me that she is showing him attention and he feels guilty and also guilty because he is not treating me right. So its better to walk away? He said he cant do that to me and leave me hanging until the day maybe they hit another low. I smell a rat. Some maybe right, he may have found someone else. Either that or he is really prince charming... the kind that I cant have.

 

Well we left it as we are in low contact and see where we land in a few weeks as far as HIS feelings are concerned. But as he said, I might be in a different space then and want out.... sounds like he has already made my escape plan for me

Edited August 21, 2015 by Blue73
left out paragraph

[Artie Lang]

Either that or he is really prince charming

 

at the risk of sounding sarcastic, you really believe he's "Prince Charming?" allllrighty, then!

[Babs22]

Still not good tonight. I called today and we had a productive conversation. I am sick of this confusion I dont know whats going on and where we are at. I need to know so I can heal. He was really into me for 2 years. He always was so clingy up until recently. Always said dont leave him. Im really happy for him that his wife of 25 years is finally showing some attention.. I am. We had an arrangement. Both of us were not going to leave but knew we would be in each others lives for the long haul sticking through ups and downs of our marriages. He tells me that she is showing him attention and he feels guilty and also guilty because he is not treating me right. So its better to walk away? He said he cant do that to me and leave me hanging until the day maybe they hit another low. I smell a rat. Some maybe right, he may have found someone else. Either that or he is really prince charming... the kind that I cant have.

 

Well we left it as we are in low contact and see where we land in a few weeks as far as HIS feelings are concerned. But as he said, I might be in a different space then and want out.... sounds like he has already made my escape plan for me

 

Blue73, Your MM does sound like he is a bit of a needy guy and he also sounds confused. He wasn't getting attention from his wife of 25 years, so he substituted attention from you to replace that. Now she is wanting to spend time with him and he is confused because he wants the attention from her, but feels guilty that he might leave you hanging. You say that you know he loves his wife, "he pines for her". I do wonder why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone who is actually pining for his wife and is keeping you waiting for a day when his relationship with her, "might hit another low".

 

I really do feel for you and your story. Parts of it remind me of my own situation. I am also married and also am currently in a marriage that is difficult to leave. My A is 2.5 years long now. Recently, I was brutally honest with my MM about how this A is effecting me. I let out a lot of hurt. He responded by getting upset and pulling away. We did NC for a week. When we spoke again he said he doesn't want to hurt me like that, he doesn't want to be responsible for causing someone that much pain. I do appreciate that. He wanted to know if I could handle the relationship the way it is. Of course, at this time, I feel like I can. I had said everything that was bottled up inside and I felt better just saying it. We are still together.

 

My MM does not love his wife. They coexist well, but he doesn't love her. He has also admitted guilt for our relationship and his feelings for me, but that was early on. He does not pine for her attention and if he did, I don't think I would stick around. He does seem to be someone who likes attention from others. Early in our relationship he was going through a bad time personally, serious health scare. He was semi-depressed and was not happy at work with his co-workers. He told me how much he needed me, said I was the only one who made his life worth a crap. He went through a very rough time. He transferred to a different building, I stayed in my building. Getting away from our coworkers helped him a lot, plus with my help, he was recovering from his health scare. He is not depressed anymore and his life is going great. His new coworkers pay him lots of attention, he feels wanted, appreciated and is soaking it up (none of this is sexual by the way, I know his coworkers; guys and gals). In a nut shell, he still needs me, but he is getting his ego stroked by others now too, he is not depressed now. I am glad he isn't depressed, but he doesn't need me as much.

 

I know this is getting long, but to get to the point, he doesn't need to text me as much. We still see each other regularly, but the contact in between is not all the time like before. I had to get used to this. Maybe our relationship is more normal now, but it was an adjustment for me. I either had to be ok with the contact I had or let him go. I know he won't leave his wife. He isn't staying for love, but it seems as though, like most men, he is staying because of not wanting to lose half of everything plus I don't think he could deal with the fall out from divorce from his family, her family, mutual friends. This is his second marriage, he knows what divorce is like. He wants to keep his social status and his money and I cannot say that I blame him. Your man seems to also need attention, but would be happy if it is from his wife. Again, I wonder how, if he is pining for his wife, you want to be in an A like that? I do think your MM may be feeling guilty and not want to hurt your feelings. He wants to let you go so you won't hurt, but he also does not want to let you go. Perhaps the NC will help you both figure out if you want to stay or go. I know letting go is hard, I am not ready to do that myself.

[Blue73]

Babs.

I did the same thing. This is what prompted the split. I said I “cant do this anymore”. We did a lot of back and forth as you can see from my posts but he landed where yours did and said he knows he is hurting me and doesn’t want to hurt me and cannot ask me to wait until he figures out where him and his W are. He loves her, he always has. He said they coexist well and have a good life but it was just cold. My MM never said he Pined for her and in the beginning I think he just kinda gave up on their marriage. Now (I have to say, I believe our A totally helped their marriage because it helped mine) their marriage is better and now that she is coming to him more (Because he is not always after her attention like before me) she has started to come to him more. Accepts invitations to do things from him and is even offering invitations to him. This has made him pine for her more. WHICH I FULLY SUPPORT and am excited for him. So he doesn’t have the need for me so much any more. If I knew this up front it would have been easier but he just kept pulling away causing resentment and damaging our romantic piece. I care for him and while NO I wouldn't want him in that moment, there is a deeper caring if he is pining for someone else. In a good way. With a door open for romance in the future if it so happens. We are really really good friends.

 

I'm struggling with what to do and read another Woman’s story and I am thinking of going down her path. Its pretty much what I wanted to do in the beginning before he got all “confused”. Remain best friends and in each others lives for a short while, say what we need to say and get it all out so we can walk away. We are so used to communicating at great lengths daily. Maybe some day in the future we can re-connect if it naturally happens. Yes, I am exhausted from the A and need a break from the intensity. BUT here is the difference. I just wanted a break and regroup at a later date, because I was becoming UNGLUED and doing it in front of him. Thought maybe that would help US long term. I honestly don’t know if he will come back or what the heck we are doing. Part of me doesn’t know if he wants to still talk because he couldn’t live with hurting me. Which of course is making me CRAZY!

Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting issues ~T