fiancé going to conference at nude hot springs

[kilgore]

Not to be a prude but you shouldn't be ok with her soaking nude with other men

[autumnnight]

She does not have to be an adulteress for him to think that letting other men see her nude is in and of itself wrong. It is not an as long as she does not have sex with these other men then it is OK decision. According to a 2013 study by Expedia "Only about 5 percent of American beachgoers say they have gone nude at the beach and only a quarter feel comfortable with topless beaches". In other words 75% of Americans are not comfortable with even going to topless (not nude) beaches even if they are not topless themselves. The vast majority of Americans would not be comfortable with this trip, and he does not have to be either, even if he is not worried that she will have sex with someone else. The vocal minority does not get to standard.

 

For the record, not only would I not be comfortable BEING in a nude hot tub, I would be uncomfortable with my SO being nude there too.

 

And I really don't care about Expedia stats. This is not the debate team. And I am not the vocal minority, as evidenced in my first sentence.

 

Bottom line, it only matters whether the OP is comfortable with it. And talk of cheating, secrets, and finding spies is just inflammatory and, well, histrionic.

 

Stop projecting.

[Try]

For the record, not only would I not be comfortable BEING in a nude hot tub, I would be uncomfortable with my SO being nude there too.

Bottom line, it only matters whether the OP is comfortable with it.

So are we in agreement that the OP can feel free to object to the nudity aspect of this trip?

[autumnnight]

So are we in agreement that the OP can feel free to object to the nudity aspect of this trip?

 

Yeah...I just don't agree with the ridiculous discussion of cheating and spies...really? Find a friend in disguise to follow her?

 

Yeah, that's entirely rational

[Try]

Yeah...I just don't agree with the ridiculous discussion of cheating and spies...really? Find a friend in disguise to follow her?

 

Yeah, that's entirely rational

That is the 2nd time in a row that you have falsely linked me with discussions of "spies" and finding "a friend in disguise to follow her". I have never posted such suggestions. Either identify the post number where you think that I have made such a suggestion, or admit that you have me confused with someone else.

[autumnnight]

That is the 2nd time in a row that you have falsely linked me with discussions of "spies" and finding "a friend in disguise to follow her". I have never posted such suggestions. Either identify the post number where you think that I have made such a suggestion, or admit that you have me confused with someone else.

 

My first post was general. In my most recent post, it was not appropriate to mention the spies idea because you did not mention spies, only cheating.

[Try]

My first post was general. In my most recent post, it was not appropriate to mention the spies idea because you did not mention spies, only cheating.

Thank you for admitting that it was not appropriate to link me with the spies idea. As for me using any form of the word "cheating", or saying that she was going there to have sex with someone, I never said that either. I talk about her feeling pressured to go nude without telling him, and talk about how to most Americans that would be in and of itself wrong, but I never said that she would cheat with other men. Please state where I say otherwise or again admit that you had me confused with someone else. Edited August 21, 2015 by Try

[autumnnight]

Thank you for admitting that it was not appropriate to link me with the spies idea. As for me using any form of the word "cheating", or saying that she was going there to have sex with someone, I never said that either. I talk about her feeling pressured to go nude without telling him, and talk about how to most Americans that would be in and of itself wrong, but I never said that she would cheat with other men. Please state where I say otherwise or again admit that you had me confused with someone else.

 

I am not good at multitasking apparently. Yep, i had you confused with someone else.

 

I was wrong on both counts. And when I am wrong I try to make a practice of admitting it.

[bubbaganoosh]

I always try to put myself in someone elses shoes and if she's all hep on going to this joint where there's a clothing optional hot springs and she's going to be nude in mixed company, then if it was me, I would ask her how she would feel if you were the one going to such a place and I can't help but wonder if she wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

It's real easy when it's not you but put the shoe on the other foot and let her be the one at home while your hob knobbing with naked women in a hot spring and I would bet a few bucks she wouldn't be happy about it. Or have the same questions.

[Try]

I am not good at multitasking apparently. Yep, i had you confused with someone else.

 

I was wrong on both counts. And when I am wrong I try to make a practice of admitting it.

Thank you. A good practice indeed.

[Spectre]

This is really a simple matter: you tell her if she is naked around other men your relationship is over. There are some things you just don't do and if a woman has a problem with her partner not wanting other men to see her naked she needs to be gotten rid of. The ONLY excuse would be if she is going to a doctor, but that is not the case.

 

So you aren't prude if you don't want your partner naked around other dudes, that makes you NORMAL, even if sex isn't going on.

 

Also dude the way she got defensive about it and then later agreed to wear a swimsuit? I don't know man, but how can you trust her? This would be a deal breaker for me because she should of been adamant about not going nude from the beginning. She wasn't and it sounds like she just told you what you want to hear. I think you should go with her. Otherwise all you have to go on is her word, which for me is now tainted due to the whole getting upset over the fact you didn't want her naked around other men. That is a red flag, an adult should know better.

 

I mean frankly if my girl was going to be around a bunch of other dudes in hot tubs and all that jazz it would bother me if I wasn't around, even if she wasn't nude. But since this girl only agreed to it after you complained? Like I said, I would not trust her. Why do I get the feeling you are going to get played? Is there going to be booze?

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[greaterdevil]

hey spectre

 

thanks for the response.

 

so we talked about it again and i think she understands more where I'm coming from. it's a weird deal because i truly believe if the situation was reversed that she would have no problem with it. we have different views on nudity.

 

as far as trusting her--

 

frankly , i would trust her with my life. she has never given me a reason not to and she has earned my trust a hundred times over. she is, quite honestly one of the best people i have ever met. she is kind and compassionate and i think that part of the reason she got defensive was because the trip has been planned for almost nine months and i only just now got upset about it when i realized that the retreat included a nude hot springs. her mentor/friend (female) paid for her ticket so it would be very hard to just not go, and I understand how it would be uncomfortable to tell her friends she wasn't going to soak because it made her fiancé uncomfortable.

 

i told her that it was really eating at me and she almost immediately volunteered to just not soak if that was what i needed, if i felt it was a bounday violation in any way.

 

thank you everyone who took the time to help me with this. in the end i have given her my blessing to soak if she so desires, preferably while wearing a swimsuit, but the bottom line is that I trust and love this woman more than anyone and i know that even if someone were to creep on her, nothing would happen. i know that if she sees a body hotter than mine that she won't flirt or stare or feel less attracted to me.

 

i would not be able to do this in many of my past relationships, but she has given me the confidence i need by making me feel treasured, respected and loved.

 

of course, on a primal male level i hate the idea of my mate in a pool with naked men around without me there, clothed or nude. but her having a good time with her friends is important to me because i love her.

 

there will not be alcohol or drugs, there is a strict policy against both at this hot springs.

 

if i get my heart broken, I'll let those of you who advised me otherwise know that you were right, but I don't forsee it.

 

in closing, thank you EVERYONE for your responses. we all color our advice for one another with our own personal experience, and i know that many people frequenting this board have been hurt in the past (i have felt the sting of beinf cheated on, too). but this woman, you guys--she isn't a cheater and she loves and respects me and i know that even if she is naked in a pool with naked men that my relationship with her will be okay.

 

Peace and Luck.

[PegNosePete]

i think that part of the reason she got defensive was because the trip has been planned for almost nine months and i only just now got upset about it when i realized that the retreat included a nude hot springs.

Err hmm? She has had it planned for 9 months and only just told you that it included a nude hot springs? She surely knew this all along, but chose to wait to tell you until it's too late to back out...

 

her mentor/friend (female) paid for her ticket so it would be very hard to just not go, and I understand how it would be uncomfortable to tell her friends she wasn't going to soak because it made her fiancé uncomfortable.

Yes, it would have been much easier if she had told you about the nudity right from the start so that if you were uncomfortable with it she could have told her friend that she couldn't go, right from the start. Right? That's certainly how I would have handled it if I were her. Leaving that kind of pertinent information out is passive-aggressive at best, manipulative at worst.

 

It seems that she deliberately cut you out of the decision and manipulated the situation so you have no choice but to accept it or look like an ass.....

 

I can't think of any other reason why she would deliberately withhold that information from you.

[autumnnight]

her mentor/friend (female) paid for her ticket so it would be very hard to just not go, and I understand how it would be uncomfortable to tell her friends she wasn't going to soak because it made her fiancé uncomfortable.

 

There's an easy solution. She can just say, "No thanks, I'm tired" or "No thanks, I'll catch up with you guys later." She doesn't have to say "my fiance doesn't want me to."

[Spectre]

so we talked about it again and i think she understands more where I'm coming from. it's a weird deal because i truly believe if the situation was reversed that she would have no problem with it. we have different views on nudity.

 

My issue is does she truly understand or is she just telling you what you want to hear?

 

as far as trusting her--

 

frankly , i would trust her with my life. she has never given me a reason not to and she has earned my trust a hundred times over. she is, quite honestly one of the best people i have ever met. she is kind and compassionate and i think that part of the reason she got defensive was because the trip has been planned for almost nine months and i only just now got upset about it when i realized that the retreat included a nude hot springs. her mentor/friend (female) paid for her ticket so it would be very hard to just not go, and I understand how it would be uncomfortable to tell her friends she wasn't going to soak because it made her fiancé uncomfortable.

 

See man, you miss red flags and this worries me because you just said you trust this person with your life that is obviously untrustworthy. This has been planned for 9 months, no work conference or whatever the hell she is going to would spring "hey, it's a nude thing" on them at the last minute, which means she has known for months and only now just told you. That is not trustworthy at all. That is her keeping things from you until the last second because now she can claim oh it's too late to do anything.

 

Also come on: she can make up plenty of excuses of why she doesn't want to soak. She doesn't have to bring you into it.

 

of course, on a primal male level i hate the idea of my mate in a pool with naked men around without me there, clothed or nude. but her having a good time with her friends is important to me because i love her.

 

She can have a good time with friends without hanging out in hot tubs with other dudes naked or scantily clad without her fiance.

 

Also frankly, I find it hard to believe that even if alcohol is officially banned..nobody will sneak any in. Just sounds very weird to me, hot tubs and all this stuff, naked people, etc. but nobody will sneak in some booze? Ehhhh.

 

i told her that it was really eating at me and she almost immediately volunteered to just not soak if that was what i needed, if i felt it was a bounday violation in any way.

 

She did all this after keeping it from you for 9 months, getting defensive over it, and only agreeing to it after you complained to her repeatedly about it. This is the woman you "trust with your life".

 

It's clear you are going to let her do this so good luck with that, but for me this would be a deal breaker. Mostly because of the whole "kept it from you for 9 months" and the getting pissy over *gasp* her fiance not liking her naked around other dudes. Also her upbringing is no excuse, doesn't matter if her family was comfortable with nudity, unless she has been sheltered from society for her entire life I expect a grown ass adult to know these things, like most guys don't like other men seeing their girl naked. So her upbringing is a bad excuse to me.

[Chi townD]

I agree that for 9 months she's known about it but she happened to forget to mention that little snippet about nude hot springs.

 

 

And I agree that she's probably just telling you what you want to hear. I mean, you have no way to confirm if she kept her word or not. She might not think of it as a big deal because she has no intention of cheating on you. Therefore she wouldn't feel bad about it. However, she might be thinking what you don't know won't hurt you.

 

 

Hell, she would have been better off not mentioning it at all.

[Space Ritual]

hey spectre

 

thanks for the response.

 

so we talked about it again and i think she understands more where I'm coming from. it's a weird deal because i truly believe if the situation was reversed that she would have no problem with it. we have different views on nudity.

 

as far as trusting her--

 

frankly , i would trust her with my life. she has never given me a reason not to and she has earned my trust a hundred times over. she is, quite honestly one of the best people i have ever met. she is kind and compassionate and i think that part of the reason she got defensive was because the trip has been planned for almost nine months and i only just now got upset about it when i realized that the retreat included a nude hot springs. her mentor/friend (female) paid for her ticket so it would be very hard to just not go, and I understand how it would be uncomfortable to tell her friends she wasn't going to soak because it made her fiancé uncomfortable.

 

i told her that it was really eating at me and she almost immediately volunteered to just not soak if that was what i needed, if i felt it was a bounday violation in any way.

 

thank you everyone who took the time to help me with this. in the end i have given her my blessing to soak if she so desires, preferably while wearing a swimsuit, but the bottom line is that I trust and love this woman more than anyone and i know that even if someone were to creep on her, nothing would happen. i know that if she sees a body hotter than mine that she won't flirt or stare or feel less attracted to me.

 

i would not be able to do this in many of my past relationships, but she has given me the confidence i need by making me feel treasured, respected and loved.

 

of course, on a primal male level i hate the idea of my mate in a pool with naked men around without me there, clothed or nude. but her having a good time with her friends is important to me because i love her.

 

there will not be alcohol or drugs, there is a strict policy against both at this hot springs.

 

if i get my heart broken, I'll let those of you who advised me otherwise know that you were right, but I don't forsee it.

 

in closing, thank you EVERYONE for your responses. we all color our advice for one another with our own personal experience, and i know that many people frequenting this board have been hurt in the past (i have felt the sting of beinf cheated on, too). but this woman, you guys--she isn't a cheater and she loves and respects me and i know that even if she is naked in a pool with naked men that my relationship with her will be okay.

 

Peace and Luck.

 

So again, she had this planned for NINE months?

 

Concerning your comment about all of us being hurt in the past and insinuating us to be a bitter bunch. The fact of the matter is that you came here for advice, did not get what you wanted to hear,and then emphatically make the comical assertion that no matter if she is naked in a pool with naked men that your relationship will survive.

 

Please make sure you come back here in a month or two and let us know how this all worked out. Just get ready to be checking your phone bill for any strange numbers that come up or exorbitant data overruns. Because that's in your future, pal...lol

[Mrin]

So again, she had this planned for NINE months?

 

Concerning your comment about all of us being hurt in the past and insinuating us to be a bitter bunch. The fact of the matter is that you came here for advice, did not get what you wanted to hear,and then emphatically make the comical assertion that no matter if she is naked in a pool with naked men that your relationship will survive.

 

Please make sure you come back here in a month or two and let us know how this all worked out. Just get ready to be checking your phone bill for any strange numbers that come up or exorbitant data overruns. Because that's in your future, pal...lol

 

I honestly think that he has nothing to worry about.

[autumnnight]

I really do not think this woman will cheat.

 

However, at this point, if I were her, I would sit down and try to reassure the OP, and I would NOT go anywhere near the nude spa while I was there.

 

I don't understand why this part of the trip was never talked about before. I mean, surely that would be one aspect to discuss a long time ago. But because I like to think the best of people, I'm not going to speculate that she has some elaborate scheme going on.

[kilgore]

I really do not think this woman will cheat.

 

However, at this point, if I were her, I would sit down and try to reassure the OP, and I would NOT go anywhere near the nude spa while I was there.

 

I don't understand why this part of the trip was never talked about before. I mean, surely that would be one aspect to discuss a long time ago. But because I like to think the best of people, I'm not going to speculate that she has some elaborate scheme going on.

 

I also think he has every right to feel weird about that aspect

[almond]

It is understandable that people can be insecure when it comes to things like nudity...even when it is innocent and not sexual. It can however be very liberating to rise above such insecurities, especially with a partner as loving and trustworthy as OP says his gf is.

[kilgore]

It is understandable that people can be insecure when it comes to things like nudity...even when it is innocent and not sexual. It can however be very liberating to rise above such insecurities, especially with a partner as loving and trustworthy as OP says his gf is.

 

Yes but shouldn't they be together for that? I wouldn't expect my wife to be ok with me taking a nude co Ed soak at a business conference

[almond]

Yes but shouldn't they be together for that? I wouldn't expect my wife to be ok with me taking a nude co Ed soak at a business conference

 

I guess it's up to them to decide that.

 

OP has said that his partner now understands his concerns and has offered to skip the nude soaking, but he now feels more okay with her participating as he trusts her completely.

 

Good for them I say! I think when handled correctly, situations like this can really strengthen trust and the bond between a couple

[kilgore]

I guess it's up to them to decide that.

 

OP has said that his partner now understands his concerns and has offered to skip the nude soaking, but he now feels more okay with her participating as he trusts her completely.

 

Good for them I say! I think when handled correctly, situations like this can really strengthen trust and the bond between a couple

 

True but I think a nude soak without the spouse is asking for trouble

[almond]

True but I think a nude soak without the spouse is asking for trouble

 

Agreed - it can certainly cause issues within a relationship. I personally would not find it appropriate, and wouldn't participate in something like this myself out of respect for my boyfriend.

 

I do however believe that many people could work through something like this, and OP is so very correct when he states that just because his girlfriend may see attractive men naked, that she will not feel less attracted/in love with him, and she certainly won't cheat unless she was already so inclined.

 

I guess logically, OP does not have much to worry about here, and I'm glad they seem to have come to an agreement that they're both comfortable with. I hope it is liberating for them both, and makes them feel even more connected.

 

I would most certainly trust my boyfriend in such a situation, but personally, I would find it disrespectful if he had simply informed me that he was going to nude soak, rather than discussing the idea with me gently and with understanding first, and that would be something I'd find tricky to work through.