fiancé going to conference at nude hot springs

[rester]

OP should clarify, but I didn't get "work" conference out of this because she's going with girlfriends, and he said his ex cheated before, not his current girlfriend.

 

I can see why he would have a problem with this due to his ex cheating on him, but that doesn't mean his current girlfriend would do the same. And I think people are assuming this type of place is something that it's not. The places I've experienced are not hook-up spots. They're mostly couples and women. It would be weird to go as a single guy and even stranger to go with a straight male buddy.

 

I might be wrong, but I get the impression that this place is a spa, that happens to have some clothing optional pools and tubs. OP doesn't have to be comfortable with that, but I don't think it's any more unreasonable to go to a place like this than it is for a guy to go to a strip club for a bachelor party.

[Chi townD]

It's not abnormal--it's just different to what you're accustomed to doing.

 

Not far from where I live, in Virginia, there is a Korean spa that is no clothes. No swim suits or trunks. Bare. It's open 24/7/365. It's a very popular spot for relaxing and taking in the waters. Some people aren't intimidated by flesh-- that doesn't mean they're abnormal.

 

 

 

No, it's not abnormal if it your PERSONAL choice to go there. But, if this is a work conference. Then it would be completely abnormal to tell your staff that the work conference is being held at a nude resort and you are expected to attend.

 

 

I think we need clarification if this is a "work conference" Because the word conference infers that the conference is being held and sponsored by someone.

[Chi townD]

Reading comprehension 101

 

The facility at which the conference takes place has a clothing optional spa/hot spring. That is not the same as a "nude resort." Countries other than the US commonly have these.

 

I wouldn't be ok with it either, but people really need to read.

 

 

Okay, "clothing optional". But, the fact remains that some people will take the option not to wear clothes. I mean, how many people would travel to such a place if they aren't entertaining that option as well? PC or not, there's too much gray area "Clothing Optional' resort and "Nude" resort.

[italianjob]

OP doesn't have to be comfortable with that, but I don't think it's any more unreasonable to go to a place like this than it is for a guy to go to a strip club for a bachelor party.

 

Might also be, but this is not a bachelor, or bachelorette, party, I think, and many wives or gfs wouldn't be ok with their SO going to a strip club.

 

My opinion is that this is something very personal, and the OP shouldn't be afraid of addressing the matter if this makes him very uncomfortable. I don't think it's ok to be forced to extend your natural boundaries beyond their limit in relationships. I think it's necessary to find common ground if possible, or accept the fact that two people might not be compatible.

[rester]

Okay, "clothing optional". But, the fact remains that some people will take the option not to wear clothes. I mean, how many people would travel to such a place if they aren't entertaining that option as well? PC or not, there's too much gray area "Clothing Optional' resort and "Nude" resort.

 

Typically it's the soaking tubs and pools that are clothing optional and people wear robes or towels when walking around. I understand not everyone is comfortable with this, but there is a huge difference between a clothing optional hot springs and a nude resort. I wouldn't go to a nude resort, but clothing optional hot springs I am comfortable with. I just think people need to understand the difference and the OP's fiancé should be willing to explain what the place is about.

 

Might also be, but this is not a bachelor, or bachelorette, party, I think, and many wives or gfs wouldn't be ok with their SO going to a strip club.

 

My opinion is that this is something very personal, and the OP shouldn't be afraid of addressing the matter if this makes him very uncomfortable. I don't think it's ok to be forced to extend your natural boundaries beyond their limit in relationships. I think it's necessary to find common ground if possible, or accept the fact that two people might not be compatible.

 

I completely agree.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Any business conference that is in Germany, Iceland, or similar countries where that is quite normal practice.

 

In many cultures, particularly Scandinavian, nudity (eg saunas) is stone normal. Getting in a sauna nude with your boss would be no different than taking your shoes off in your boss's house would be here.

 

If this is a conference for her job at Boeing, this is weird. If it's Nokia, it's not. For those of you who haven't been around these cultures, it may seem weird but it's not if you are used to it. Infidelity is no more likely because you see a guy naked (in a public spot with dozens of other people around). Infidelity is much more likely if she's out late drinking at a bar with one guy than in a hot tub with a dozen folks.

 

If this is a yoga new age non-work conference, ditto

 

I've been to several nude hot tub places and there's no taboo about wearing a suit. If you feel uncomfortable with guys seeing her, just ask her to wear a suit.

[aliveagain]

I don't know what im really looking for--validation, I guess? i talked to her about it last night and told her i was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of her going to a nude hot spring without me. i feel like she could've been a little more understanding, considering i am not over jealous (I don't think). she kinda got defensive and just said "what do you want me to do about it? do you want me to NOT soak in the hot springs with my friends?"

 

Actually this wouldn't be a problem if it was just you and her on the trip. If she is going to a Hedonism Lifestyle Retreat with 4 girlfriends and it will be mixed company and your not invited I would be rethinking my relationship with her. What if it was you and 4 buddies going to Hedonism 11 in Negril, Jamaica, how would she feel about it? What kind of organization has a conference at a nude retreat and not invite spouses or S/O's?

[Chi townD]

In many cultures, particularly Scandinavian, nudity (eg saunas) is stone normal. Getting in a sauna nude with your boss would be no different than taking your shoes off in your boss's house would be here.

 

If this is a conference for her job at Boeing, this is weird. If it's Nokia, it's not. For those of you who haven't been around these cultures, it may seem weird but it's not if you are used to it. Infidelity is no more likely because you see a guy naked (in a public spot with dozens of other people around). Infidelity is much more likely if she's out late drinking at a bar with one guy than in a hot tub with a dozen folks.

 

If this is a yoga new age non-work conference, ditto

 

I've been to several nude hot tub places and there's no taboo about wearing a suit. If you feel uncomfortable with guys seeing her, just ask her to wear a suit.

 

 

Well, we're all forgetting that if the OP made a thread asking about a "conference" being held at a "clothing optional" or "nude" resort and if that seems right or okay, then maybe he's NOT from one of those cultures that it would be acceptable practice.

 

 

I mean, he wouldn't have made the thread if he did live in one of those countries, because it would already be viewed by him as normal and part of his culture. But, since he's questioning it, then it might be safe to assume that he's not.

[Davey L]

Any business conference that is in Germany, Iceland, or similar countries where that is quite normal practice.

 

I worked in Germany for many years and never saw this.

[Vercetti]

Just me, I would not go out with any girl that was comfortable with public nudity of any sort. I live in a bloody resort town, none of the locals give a crap about the bath houses. That's for sucker tourist to get pick pocketed with delusions of detox. Women and men nude, that's a bit beyond what's offered here. Anyhow if your girlfriend being nude in public with her best friends forever is so important, maybe get a new girlfriend.

[Vercetti]

I worked in Germany for many years and never saw this.

 

 

 

Lol did Epos in VEGAS for eight years and never encountered this, let alone friends being welcomed with the ndas. There would hardly be time for a relaxing dinner with how things were stacked. Yet every year someone found the time to get fired doing something nude.

[greaterdevil]

Hey all--

 

thanks everyone for the great, thoughtful and varying replies.

 

first off--i have NO concern that she will sleep or get physical with someone. none whatsoever.

 

as one poster said this is not uncommon for a hippie/yoga type retreat. without going into enough detail to break anonymity, that's what this is. she is not going purely for business, nor is it purely a vacation.

 

she os helping a friend who will be a vendor/teacher at said event. she is not getting paid, but is getting free admission (event costs over 1000 per head, so no chance of me going). so she will be working a little, but soaking will definitely be part of the downtime.

 

i guess the real issue is us having different views on nudity. coming from a very conservative, Christian upbringing (which I have mostly left in the past) I have lingering, ingrained connections between nudity, sexuality, and intimacy. she is from a very liberal, hippie, agnostic household where it's not as weird.

 

The fact that i am having an easier time explaining this to an internet board than her could be a problem.

 

but to those saying it's "fishy" or that I'm being cuckolded, I appreciate your responses and take responsibility for not properly communicating the circumstance and details of the situation.

 

she is not cheating. i just feel like sharing a hot tub with nude mixed company is kind of a boundary violation for me.

 

thanks again, everyone.

 

update: she agreed to wear a swimsuit

[jen1447]

would this make you uncomfortable or jealous, in my situation?

It wouldn't bother me, fwiw.

[Sweet Workaholic]

 

i guess the real issue is us having different views on nudity. coming from a very conservative, Christian upbringing (which I have mostly left in the past) I have lingering, ingrained connections between nudity, sexuality, and intimacy. she is from a very liberal, hippie, agnostic household where it's not as weird.

 

 

I think these types of things are actually dangerous issues in relationships. Things we grow up with seem like absolute "rights" and "wrongs" to us at a deep intuitive level. So despite your mostly ditching your childhood teaching, this just seems inherently "wrong" to you. You can't think yourself out of that feeling.

 

If she grew up in a household where on weekends the whole family jumped in hot springs nude, then your being bothered by it will feel equally "wrong" to her - it will feel like you don't trust her about something that to her is stone normal. When she goes to put a swim suit on this weekend she may feel "WTF is this for?" and feel some resentment that she has to do something (to her) totally silly and makes her stand out. She can't think herself out of that feeling either.

 

Nothing inherently bad about either POV, and nothing that cannot be worked out. I just think these are dangerous issues because - since we learned them in childhood - they feel like absolute moral rights and wrongs and we often have trouble 'getting' that others feel differently. For that reason, arguments over these types of things can flare quickly. I'd give her some strokes for respecting your POV and acknowledge that she's doing something that (to her) feels weird in order to help you feel comfortable.

[Vercetti]

I'm much the same as you, to the extent simply the word hot tub makes my eyes roll with all the potential stupidity. Plus culture thing , being in the states does hot tub / mixed gender / clothing optional ever have a classy cirmstance or connantion to it.

 

Anyhow, glad you got it sorted out.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

update: she agreed to wear a swimsuit

 

 

I wouldn't hold her to keep that promise. She's telling you that to pacify you. But, she knows there's no way you'd ever find out.

 

 

Regardless, whether she does or doesn't, there's an issue with trust. You're going to have to trust her to do the right thing. If she doesn't, then you'll know when she gets back. She'll act differently. But, maybe this is part of your healing process from when you were cheated on. This could be your time to see if you can fully trust someone again. But, if you need reassurance, you need to talk to her. Tell her that your not doing this to make her feel bad, you just need her to understand where you're coming from and you have some insecurities stemming from something that happen in your past and has nothing to do with her. Tell her that you understand that this is YOUR problem, but you need her help. This way, you're not berating her or trying to make her feel bad. Because this has nothing to do with her, but you're asking her to help you. Therefore, she'll probably let her defenses down and communicate with you in a calm and peaceful manor. Never raise your voice, and just...talk. Find a happy median. Make a deal, that if she does this, then when she gets back, you two will go away and do something yourselves. Give her something to look forward to when she returns. Just an idea.

[drifter777]

update: she agreed to wear a swimsuit

 

Ok - this is something nearly all of us would consider a good compromise for the type of trip as you describe and the type of people you guys are. Sounds like this is more of a leisure trip than business so - well - maybe it's not insane.

 

FWIW - I would never let my wife attend anything remotely similar to what you describe. It disgusts me and I don't trust her.

[autumnnight]

Okay, "clothing optional". But, the fact remains that some people will take the option not to wear clothes. I mean, how many people would travel to such a place if they aren't entertaining that option as well? PC or not, there's too much gray area "Clothing Optional' resort and "Nude" resort.

 

Again...it is NOT a NUDE RESORT. It is a resort where SOME of the amenities are clothing optional.

 

 

Surely the distinction is not that hard to see.

[autumnnight]

I guess what ticks me off is that it has been clarified over and over that the entire resort isn't nude and that it was an EX, NOT this girl, who cheated. But ALL the usual suspects are frothing at the mouth because she is female so of course she's a tarty lying cheater just waiting to bump uglies in a public hot tub....

 

It gets a bit ridiculous.

 

And here is this FAITHFUL girlfriend agreeing to wear a swimsuit, and of course, "oh she's lying because you won't know."

 

It must be fun to live in such a dismal world.

[Chi townD]

Again...it is NOT a NUDE RESORT. It is a resort where SOME of the amenities are clothing optional.

 

 

Surely the distinction is not that hard to see.

 

 

 

Yeah, they'll be NUDE without worry of being arrested. What else would you call it? If you go to a Nude resort no one is going to bash you for dressing half of the time. Some nude resorts require you to be dressed in their restaurants because of state health codes.

 

 

I see more gray.

[Chi townD]

I guess what ticks me off is that it has been clarified over and over that the entire resort isn't nude and that it was an EX, NOT this girl, who cheated. But ALL the usual suspects are frothing at the mouth because she is female so of course she's a tarty lying cheater just waiting to bump uglies in a public hot tub....

 

It gets a bit ridiculous.

 

And here is this FAITHFUL girlfriend agreeing to wear a swimsuit, and of course, "oh she's lying because you won't know."

 

It must be fun to live in such a dismal world.

 

 

Don't make this a gendered issue because it's not. Did you even finish reading my post?!?! Did you see me telling him that this was HIS problem? Nah, you just saw my first sentence and flew off the handle.

[Woggle]

I guess what ticks me off is that it has been clarified over and over that the entire resort isn't nude and that it was an EX, NOT this girl, who cheated. But ALL the usual suspects are frothing at the mouth because she is female so of course she's a tarty lying cheater just waiting to bump uglies in a public hot tub....

 

It gets a bit ridiculous.

 

And here is this FAITHFUL girlfriend agreeing to wear a swimsuit, and of course, "oh she's lying because you won't know."

 

It must be fun to live in such a dismal world.

 

Of course all women aren't cheaters but some of us have experienced quite a bit and we aren't naive.

[autumnnight]

Of course all women aren't cheaters but some of us have experienced quite a bit and we aren't naive.

 

No, some people have experienced things and choose to make generalizations.

 

I was cheated on. I do not assume all men are cheaters.

[lolablue17]

I can't imagine any work place, a company, or an institue of any kind, who will encourage or even allow their employees to expose their naked body, one in front of the other (I mean mixed genders). it seems illogical to me. It can cause so many social difficulties after...

 

I also can't imagine any work place doing that even if they leave the decision to each worker. Because that's how they can cause bigger problems, and people will not really act according to their true free will, because of social pressure.

 

I just can't believe it. So this whole "nude spa for mixed sex's together who knows and work with each other" seems very inappropriate and kinky to me.

[drifter777]

I can't imagine any work place, a company, or an institue of any kind, who will encourage or even allow their employees to expose their naked body, one in front of the other (I mean mixed genders). it seems illogical to me. It can cause so many social difficulties after...

 

I also can't imagine any work place doing that even if they leave the decision to each worker. Because that's how they can cause bigger problems, and people will not really act according to their true free will, because of social pressure.

 

I just can't believe it. So this whole "nude spa for mixed sex's together who knows and work with each other" seems very inappropriate and kinky to me.

I'm totally with you on this but I do acknowledge the old adage "different strokes for different folks". Some couples swing, some guys enjoy cuckold, some people love 3somes, and some people are nudists. We don't know anything about the organization she is part of so it's tough to pass judgment on it. In my world this is unimaginable.