Has anyone been here before???

[stuckbloke]

This could be very long, sorry!! Hope someone will read it and help me make sense.

 

Been married 7 years, 5 yr old son, and the relationship's always been difficult - we are profoundly different people, we didnt have a particularly passionate courtship, but were part of a church and felt drawn into marriage and even though we went through a year of pre-marriage counselling, have really struggled to connect - we have many profound differences and we do a lot of sniping and snapping at each other, I often feel emotionally unsafe with her as she grew up with a volatile, argumentative family and is very quick to anger. Have repeatedly told her how much this hurts me over the years, and that the arguing and her controlling behaviour was crushing my affection. She varied between saying 'that's just me - accept it' 'no I don't' and 'you do it too', so nothing ever really changed.

 

I have played my part in things getting worse - I have often been deceptive to avoid her criticism and arguments. My response to our (to me, at least) dreadful sexual relationship has been to get into porn, and while I have got that under control recently, it has hurt her horribly. But for the last two years, I have been trying to make it work by 'doing the right thing' - trying to love her as an act of will, rather than out of the feelings (which were dwindling)... I have read so many things about making relationships work it's silly, but the feeling that I have made a terrible mistake has been growing for years now, and so I felt more and more dissociated with my behaviour - like I was faking it - doing and saying loving things that I just didn't feel. I think last year sometime I really began to question for the first time whether I could live with this person for the rest of my life. I mentioned this to her twice but she didn't take it seriously and nothing changed still. I got to the point where I felt nothing more but anger and resentment towards her, and that love, attraction, affection had died. She tried one night to spice up our sex life and I had no physical reaction - I was very turned off, and all of my negative feelings came out in a horrible night where I told her how I felt.

 

Around the same time I fell into a brief, but utterly wonderful, affair with a younger woman with whom I found I had a huge amount in common, and an incredible chemistry - something I have never experienced with my wife. We had a brief, but incredibly passionate and erotically charged affair for about five months and were starting to fall deeply in love with each other, but the reality of my situation as a married man was never going to go away, so we agreed (very tearfully) that we had to stop - I had made vows and have a child - and I had to work on my marriage. We tried being friends (writing/meeting occasionally for a walk), but it became clear to me that I couldn't really focus on my marriage unless she was out of the picture. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - say goodbye to my lover, not because we didn't love each other and want each other desperately, but because it was clearly the right thing for both of us to do - we have promised each other not to get in touch, unless my marriage is over, and I also promised her that I would really try to make my marriage work - so there is no easy 'get out' - if we were the reason for a split, the guilt would be very destructive for both of us, so I need to know, in my conscience, that I have tried. We have both learnt how destructive affairs can be to all involved. She did, however, open my eyes to the fact that I can love and be loved, intensely, passionately and tenderly, that I can be emotionally open and intimate. In the short time we had together, we connected more intellectually, emotionally, sexually, and in terms of life outlook, interests and passions more than I have in 10 years with my wife. No one ever found out about this affair.

 

I have told my wife some very hurtful truths - that I don't feel love for her anymore, actually don't like her often, that I don't find her attractive and that I am very seriously considering leaving although I'm acutely aware of the difficulties that separation causes children and families. . These things are all true. I don't feel any affection for her, which is horrible, because she is profoundly upset and needs comfort from me. She tells me she still loves me, wants me, and that she has changed (but this hasn't helped - I percieve the same problems). We are going to couple counselling and I am seeing an individual counseller.

 

The relate counseller said something that helped me last week - that we should try to be friends (because whether we stay together or separate, we will need a functioning relationship to co-operate over our son - I do half the childcare), and that if we can become friends, then it gives the feelings that I have lost an opportunity to come back. I'm ok with this, because obviously, if I start to feel these things, I'm a happy bunny. I'm open to the possibility that feelings could develop - that there's a hope I cannot feel yet, but I am also bitter with experience of our marriage and know that the connection we have with each other as human beings is tenuous, and the thought of being confined to a relationship to her for the whole of my life terrifies and depresses me.

 

I miss my lover, and still wonder about the possibillity of us being together, but I know I have to put that out of my mind now. I know I am not in love with my wife. We are very, very low and can hardly talk to each other, and when we do it's fraught with misunderstanding and fighting that seems always to end up in an agressive monologue from her and I withdraw. I know that I have to try to make it work - I couldn't live with myself we did break up and if I knew that i hadn't genuinely tried - my heart doen's want to - the relationship has felt very destuctive for me for a long time and I have tried and tried to make it work before, and always seem to have to sacrifice my self - I end up feeling unable to be myself, be real, be vulnerable and open up - her agression and manipulation leaves me feeling bullied, unsafe and unloved, even when she says she loves me. Yet I know I have to try, somehow turn my heart towards her, but is it possible for any real love, passion and connection to happen now?

 

My wife tells me that she is now doubting whether we can stay together - she gets 'nothing' from me - she doesn't feel I am trying. I wonder whether time will heal the loss of my lover, but I also fear that I forget the window into love and passion that I saw with her, and that I may settle for a relationship that is woefully short of love and that I will regret for the rest of my life.

 

I am trying to do the right thing, but am finding it very difficult at the moment.

[New_Wife]

Will be a part of your child's life whether she is your wife or not. I commend you for putting so much thought into how to position that relationship. Believe it or not, divorce can be a better solution for kids. I have an ex husband that I share children with, and we have gotten along easily ten times better as divorced co-parents than we EVER did as spouses. Because as parents, we have a common ground. We both love the children, neither of us want to hurt them. In every single other aspect of our lives (religion, money, lifestyle, responsibility, etc.) we were polar opposites and grew to really dislike each other.

 

I wish I could give you a magic formula - but the truth for us was, the first year or two was awkward. The "hello's" were strained at best and the "take care" parting comments were through gritted teeth. The loss of the dream still hurt, even though the two players were completely incompatible. But over time - almost without notice, the "how are you's" became geniune and the "take care's" did as well. We consult each other over events and decisions surrounding the kids, and try to plan parties and events together with our new spouses (who also get along well enough with each of us).

 

If you do decide to leave, it doesn't have to be the end of your child's stable childhood - but it takes nearly as much work as the marraige to keep the civility up at first & you must always try to resist the urge to be catty or vindictive.

 

Best of luck to you - either way.

[SweetSerenity]

So sorry you're having such a difficult time but I have to agree with NewWife. You can be divorced and have a great bond with your child. If the relationship has been verbally and aggressively abusive for awhile then I think you both should seek help together and as seperates. She clearly picked this up in childhood. Trust me I use to be the same way and I had a long road to hold and every now and again I still struggle. She needs anger management. I say give it a try and try your heart out to save your marriage. If you still feel like its not working you can rest easy knowing that at least you gave it your all but it just didn't work. Theres a right way and a wrong way to end things. She will be hurt, she might even lash out, but don't feed into it. Be supportive, be nice, but don't stand there and take abuse. You calmly tell her that you are a human being and you're worth more than that and when she can talk to you in a civil tone you'll be back and she knows how to reach you. Time heals all. Best of luck to you.

[only1life]

Are you looking for someone to tell you what you have done is OK? Sounds like it. Well, I don't think so - cheating is never OK! And if you are really trying to give your marriage a genuine chance at working, well, you had better be totally honest, because it sure sounds like your wife has picked up on something that you've done wrong. Few people can successfully hide it! And counseling? No counselor can fix a problem that he doesn't know all the details about....those details are a part of the problem too!

 

As long as you've got the "lover" on your mind, then there will be no hope in truely fixing your marriage, because you will always be thinking about what you can do if the marriage doesn't work. How would you feel if your wife had the same choice? Think she would put her best into it?

 

Make your decision - Leave the wife and deal with the consequences or be totally honest and give it a real honest attempt, which includes saying goodbye to the lover for real. Won't be an easy choice, but you set it up, and now it is only fair to all.

 

But do everyone a favor and don't keep up the game you're playing right now - you're just making it worse for all three of you.

 

I know. I've been on the other side. It is not nice.

[stuckbloke]

I have said goodbye to my lover for real - over a month ago, we agreed not to have any contact, there has not been any contact, nor will there be. I know I need to work on my marriage. I am not playing a game, nor seeking anyone to say what I did was ok. I'm not interested in your or anyone elses judgement, thanks, but helpful advice is welcome.

[TMCM]

Your W has a right to know that you were engaged in an EMA . As it stands, she has an image of you that is completely false and she deserves to know who the real you is and decide whether or not she wants to continue being married to you. If you have any respect left for her, you will confess your affair to her.

 

TMCM

[SweetSerenity]

They have their opinions and I have mine. I say you don't say anything. You have nothing to gain by telling her about it and only hurt her more. She is already shattered enough as it is with you telling her that you're not in love with her. I say greive over the loss of your lover and try to make the marriage work. I don't think telling her is the right thing to do.

 

I also believe you can work through things without having to talk about the EMA. If you feeling guilty and know it to be wrong and have no plans to repeat that action, then I see nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself. Goodluck.

[bigbuffs]

There is no way your marriage will work if you are not 100% honest with her. That means telling her about the affair. It will definately make things harder, at least at first, but she deserves to know the truth. Every second of every day that you don't tell her is like your lying to her. She may not be willing to work things out with you after you tell her but she definately should be told the truth and she will likely find out sooner or later.

[stuckbloke]

about the affair at the moment, I'm afraid. If she wanted to hear all the details it would crush her and probably wreck any chances of reconciliation, and her anger, and the power it would give her over me would be too much to bear. It has stopped, it won't happen again and I want to try to make things work. This may change, but right now, that's the best I can do, I'm afraid. I've told her about the problems in our marriage, and I've put the affair behind me.

[Devildog]

It sounds to me like your wife is willing to try. She has attempted to do things to spice up your sex life, but you were not interested. You can't expect miracles or changes to happen overnight. To make this work, you have to be ready for the long haul. It takes months and sometimes years before you realize the happiness you didn't think was possible.

 

Joint and individual counselling is highly recommended.

 

For a lot of great advice, search and read through Ladyjane14's posts. She has helped alot of people and has faced the situation you describe. She brought her marriage back from the brink and her and her husband are happier than they have ever been.

[Ladyjane14]

If your affair only ended a month ago, you're probably still experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the "fix" you were getting. That would explain why you're feeling so disconnected and detached.

 

Affairs are kind of like drugs when it comes right down to it. I don't think we consider the physiological affects on the brain. Your body has been supplying you with chemical stimulation in the form of dopamine, and other assorted and sundry goodies. It's not just all emotional.

 

You can get ALOT of information about this by typing into your browser the words, "dopamine, sexual addiction". Here's one such article: http://www.mensfitness.com/sex/5

 

Does that make you a "sex addict"? Not necessarily. But the chemical effects are the same regardless. And I think you might agree....you're in trouble here. Your home-deal is going awry, and you might be feeling a bit 'out of control' as to what your choices are in that.

 

You've been involved in a marriage-threatening relationship with porn, AND an extra-marital sexual affair. I think it's safe to say that while addiction may be a strong word, there's SOMETHING at work here.

 

While you're suffering the affair withdrawal, your wife simply CANNOT measure up. She's not getting a fair shake in this deal, because there's no way she can compete with the rush you've been getting from illicit sex. There's NOTHING that she can do that will be good enough, or right enough to please you while you're in your current state.

 

And ANY decision that you make regarding the marriage is TAINTED by the withdrawal you're suffering. So, before you make any life-altering decisions that affect your entire family.....you need to make sure you've got your head on straight.

 

The first step might be to be completely honest with your counselor about all this. Personally, I think your wife deserves a shot at making her own decisions too in regards to continuing on in the marriage. Currently, she doesn't have ALL the pertinant information, now does she?

 

Also, you might consider talking to your medical doctor. Believe me....s/he's heard it ALL before, so don't be bashful. A low-dose of anti-depressant medication, possibly in the form of a seratonin-uptake inhibitor, would probably help put the fire out. Right now, your brain is still looking for it's little dopamine "fix".

[I Survived]

Telling your WIFE about your affair will allow you to let the OW go for real. It will hurt her but it may also wake her up to the reality that she almost lost you and that there are some very serious issues keeping the two of you from making a happy life. Not telling her allows you to hold on to the OW in your mind which is not healthy for your marriage if in fact you want to make it work. You know that you can love and be loved. Why can't you let that happen with your wife? I think it is because you have a history with her, baggage that needs to be addressed, you have pain and hurt. The reason why the other woman was so desireable is because you didn't have any other cares in the world but loving each other. With your REAL life you have bills to pay, a child to raise, trash to take to the side of the road, repairs to make....etc. Let me tell you that none of that matters if you love your wife and she loves you. How can you live with someone and not be totally honest with them?

Go to a counselor by yourself. Tell them everything then ask them to help you figure out how to come clean with your wife. You both will benefit. There is no easy way to disclose that you loved someone else for a while but once it's out there, it will be a new beginning and you'll be on the road to a better life. Good luck.

[stuckbloke]

Don't you hate it when you write out a big long post and then the net connection drops and you lose it... so I'll try to write it all out again...

 

Hi JadyJane, Still Hurting, Devildog and others - thank you for your posts, and the time you've taken to support me. I've done alot of reading on the net, and am well aware of the addictive qualities of affairs, the chemicals at play, and the withdrawal process, so I'm taking my feelings and thoughts at the moment with a pinch of salt. I howled like a wounded animal the day I told my lover we couldn't be in contact again - yes, it's very physical. Yes - we are in trouble - I have tried telling my wife this many times before, to no effect, but she now knows it's serious, and she does want to work on it. It's interesting what you say about the sex addiction thing - when I was with my lover, I had no interest in porn at all - my sexual needs were being met by her. Now it's ended, and I'm sleeping in another room to my wife, I'm finding myself seriously tempted again.

 

I have read the huge thread started by "quest for love" in which the issue of telling/not telling his wife about his affair was discussed extensively, and I'm thinking long and hard about this, based on the considerable experience of people here - I'm well prepared to take good advice - I'm on unknown territory here, and I know I don't know everything. I can see that there is a tremendous amount of sense in telling her, because I am hiding a great secret at the moment, and have been blaming my emotional unavailability on the problems in our marriage, which isn't true. I cant tell my counsellor - he is a work friend with church connections, and I guess I am really ashamed of what I did, and scared of being seen as the bad guy. I'm even more frightened of telling my wife, because her anger and rages and fighting, and our poor sex life are the main problems in our marriage for me - and this gives her massive cause for anger, and will communicate very clearly that she is not meeting my sexual needs. She will be fuming, not only about the sex and intimacy I had with this other person, but all the lies Ive told over the past few months when we she was trying to make it work between us and I was stonewallng. She asked me a few times if I was having an affair, and I denied it (of course). So I am struggling with this, and would like to hear from others who have done this - i.e. told their spouse about the affair after it had finished (without being found out), and NOT because they were desperate to get back with their spouse, but because it was simply the right thing to do, to give the marriage it's due respect and a chance at survival. Of course, I'm scared about doing this, I will be known among all our friends and families as a bastard, but at least it may set all the cards on the table and allow us to look at the train wreck of a marriage we have and ask ourselves honestly whether we had a future together. I have promised my lover, my conscience and my wife that I will really try to make the marriage work, and if confessing is genuinely the only way in a process of having integrity in this, then perhaps it is something I am going to have to do. So I'm weighing this up, but am very scared. I thought it might be possible to tell her in the context of our next couple counselling session - this might be the wisest and safest place to do it.

 

There is something else to tell... last year, my wife and I were at a nightclub, and we both took about a half a tab of ecstacy. We were very loved up and horny, and were both obviously checking out other people. My wife came up to me and told me we were both terrible flirts and that she didn't mind, even if I fooled around with someone and even if I had oral sex, but that I must never make love to anyone else. I guess this kinda opened my eyes to the possibility of finding someone to fool around with, and when I met my lover, I told her this. We never did make love, but the problem is that it opened us up to everything else sexually - we experimented wildly with each other - it was hugely erotic, like 9 1/2 weeks - we played around with outfits, handcuffs, food, cameras, mirrors, roleplay etc - pleasured each other for hours on end. Sexually, it was everything I ever dreamed of - uninhibited and hugely indulgent. The chemistry was unbelievable - we had only to smell each other to get turned on But we never actually made love - my lover told me towards the end that it was great for her - that she had had problems with penetrative sex before and I had liberated her sexuall. The implications of this are twofold - first, that I did stay within a boundary that my wife had given me (although I'm not saying I didn't betray her), but secondly, that I won't be able to say the sex was rubbish - it wasn't - it was unbelievable. Sex with my wife has always been a problem - in the first years of our marriage, we were only having sex once every three or four weeks, and even then it's wasn't particularly good. Once, we were having sex about once a week, and she commented on how good our sex life was. With my lover, it was 4/5 times a day. I probably had more orgasms with her in 4 months than I have ever had with my wife. How do I tell her that????? Of course she will want to know all the details, but she is horribly hung up about her weight, knows that I am very attracted to slim women, and she may never want to touch me again. But I'm also starting to realise that sex is a fundemental problem in our relationship. I am not physically attracted to her - although I think she's pretty, I don't really like her body, and whie I knew this before we got married, I thought it was something I could live with.

 

I still don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with my wife, but I made a vow, we have a child, and that means I've got to try. If that really means telling her, then that's the reality, I guess. I've bene complaining that I don't feel I can be real in our relationship, and perhaps this is a way in which I can be. I can see how that would do several important things - free me from the guilt of carrying a secret so huge, let my wife know how critical things are, and give her the opportunity to see me for who I really am, what my needs are, and allow her (as well as me) to make a decision about our futures. The next counselling session we have is scheduled for two weeks time on Friday. I guess I have two weeks to think about that decision and work out how I could tell her. I could really do with some advice and support from anyone who has been here before. I'm very scared. I know I've been terrible, but I'm not such a bad bloke, and I want to do the right thing. Guess it's gonna cost though.

[TMCM]

I'm on unknown territory here, and I know I don't know everything. I can see that there is a tremendous amount of sense in telling her, because I am hiding a great secret at the moment, and have been blaming my emotional unavailability on the problems in our marriage, which isn't true. I cant tell my counsellor - he is a work friend with church connections, and I guess I am really ashamed of what I did, and scared of being seen as the bad guy.

 

With respect to the affair, yes you are [or were] the bad guy. Thats is undeniable but you have to take responsibility for it. But stop worrying about your image to others for they will speak good or ill of you with or without your affair.

 

 

I'm even more frightened of telling my wife, because her anger and rages and fighting, and our poor sex life are the main problems in our marriage for me - and this gives her massive cause for anger, and will communicate very clearly that she is not meeting my sexual needs. She will be fuming, not only about the sex and intimacy I had with this other person, but all the lies Ive told over the past few months when we she was trying to make it work between us and I was stonewallng. She asked me a few times if I was having an affair, and I denied it (of course).

 

This is a very serious marital issue that has made your marriage an emotionally unsafe and toxic environment She must know that her anger and violence are at the core of the marital problems and that unless she is willing to do everything in her power to address these issues of hers, the marriage is destined to end affair or no affair.

 

So I am struggling with this, and would like to hear from others who have done this - i.e. told their spouse about the affair after it had finished (without being found out), and NOT because they were desperate to get back with their spouse, but because it was simply the right thing to do, to give the marriage it's due respect and a chance at survival.

 

Seek out Cis and Joyce. These two women told their respective H about their affairs.

 

Of course, I'm scared about doing this, I will be known among all our friends and families as a bastard, but at least it may set all the cards on the table and allow us to look at the train wreck of a marriage we have and ask ourselves honestly whether we had a future together. I have promised my lover, my conscience and my wife that I will really try to make the marriage work, and if confessing is genuinely the only way in a process of having integrity in this, then perhaps it is something I am going to have to do. So I'm weighing this up, but am very scared. I thought it might be possible to tell her in the context of our next couple counselling session - this might be the wisest and safest place to do it.

 

Just as your W's anger and violence are HER issues to resolve, your fear is YOUR issue to resolve. Your fear has been helping to feed her anger and violence, for if you had put a stop to it by leaving her the moment she brought them out, there would have been a good chance that she might have started her campaign to save the marriage a long time ago. Affair or no affair, you have to setup and implement your own boundaries and one of them is that you will no longer tolerate her anger and violence. If she hits you during one of her episodes, then go to the police and charge her with domestic violence. Affair or no affair, there is NO EXCUSE for one spouse to hit the other, no matter what the gender of the perpetrator is. If you don't do this then you are also putting your child's future wellbeing in danger, so if you don't have the heart to do it for you then do it for your child. But as I said before, you must first conquer your fear otherwise things will remain the way they've always been, if not worse.

 

TMCM

[I Survived]

My theory is, once you get into your counseling session, you won't have any choice. You will tell her about the affair even if you don't want to. It's in your mind now.

 

Your posting stirred up some painful memories for me. My husband denied it when I asked him if there was someone else when there was. I didn't like the lies but I got over it. What's important is that you take responsibility for what you've done and try to make your marriage work. You have a child, son or daughter, if they do something wrong that hurts someone else, you would want them to take responsibility for their actions. You do not have to give your wife ALL the details as you have shared with us. It would only hurt her to hear about your sexual experiments and I strongly advise you to weigh what you tell her. There were some things that I didn't want to hear, didn't need to hear and that stalled my healing process.

 

My husband says now that he never knew that he could hurt me as much as he did when I discovered his affair. Talk about howling with pain. I thought I would explode.

 

You better be ready for her rage and you better let her rant. Don't try to BLAME HER for your inappropriate behavior. My husband tried, it didn't work. I'm not saying that I didn't have a part in the marital problems but nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING gave you the right to step outside your marriage. Good luck

[stuckbloke]

Thanks for your thoughts Still Hurting. I think I might talk to the counsellor in advance of this, to see if she can help me in how I tell my W. I know she is going to be very, very angry, and my name is going to be mud. You say I shouldn't give my wife all the details... what do you advise? I'm sure she will be asking alot of questions, and I surely have to be honest... but perhaps I should tell her that I will be, and that she should only ask questions if she really wants to hear the truth.

 

I will not blame her for my behaviour. I know that was my responsibility. But I do feel that she, in some way, let me feel that I had permission - she literally told me she didn't mind what I did except if I made love to someone else, which I didn't do. I'm not sure if that's relevant, but it is to me. I'm also worried that this is just going to spell the end of it - I can easily see her reaction, with the anger, ranting, blame and everything else that I expect to come from her to simply reinforce my feelings of isolation, emotional unsafety and the desire to get out of the marriage. While I couldn't possibly blame her for these reactions, it's easy to see how revealing the affair could really spell the end of things in my mind, as well as in hers. I am not the only one to have wronged the other here - I had had feelings of wanting to leave a year before the affair started, and while I feel obligated to try whatever I can to make it work, it does feel very hard to put my heart into it. We are holding onto a very tenuous link at the moment, and I think this might break it. But as loads of people have said - this looks like the only way to bring the truth out into the open, and then if the marriage really does, or doesn't have a future will become clear. But at least it's going to be based on the truth.

 

I've found you lot very helpful - I hope you don't mind if I continue to lean on you while I go through this time.

[I Survived]

Don't think that revealing the truth will be the end of it, think of it as a new beginning. I won't lie, it will be hard work. Why do you sleep in seperate rooms? What does your child think of that?

 

She gave you permission???????? Didn't you say you both had taken drugs when she said that? I frankly don't care to hear any more excuses for what you did. As far as what to tell her... treat her feelings with respect, unlike what you have already done. She deserves nothing less. Think about how you would feel if you discovered that she had cheated on you.

 

A woman knows when her partner has something else going on, that's why she asked. She may not be as surprized as you think.

 

Excuse me, but I find it hard to believe that you never actually had sex with the OW. If you had that much control not to jump her bones, why didn't you have enough control to stop it before it went too far.

 

Where did you meet the OW? Did you say? Does your wife know her?

[stuckbloke]

I'm sure the next six months are going to be hell if I tell her (actually, they probably will be if I don't either).

 

You needn't bash me about this - I understand you have anger about your own situation, but please don't project that onto me - it's my wife's job to be angry with me. Yes, she did tell me that she wouldn't mind if I played around with someone else. I don't know how serious that was (she was looking straight into my eyes and sounded deadly serious when she said it), but it certainly planted a seed in my mind that it would be ok. And no, my lover and I didn't make love - there's no reason for me to lie here - why would I have to? I told my lover about what my wife had said to me, and she felt that was fine. We experimented alot, had a lot of oral sex and stuff, but never made love. We always felt satisfied and fulfilled by the sex we had without making love. And I did have enough control to stop it - perhaps not before it went too far - but I did stop it, despite feeling that I was falling in love. And that was a very, very hard thing to do. You can dismiss that, or disregard it, but it is true.

 

I met the OW at a cafe, where I often sit and work. My wife doesn't know her. We have agreed to have no contact, and while she lives in the same city as me, there's little chance we will bump into each other. She knows where I go to work and hasn't been there since we split. She made me promise that I would genuinely work on my marriage, and I will keep that promise. Neither of us are bad people here, we started out looking for a bit of fun (which I felt at some level I was allowed), but we started to fall in love, and that's when I realised it had to end. Of course, people will think I'm the scum of the earth, but then how many of you have had to break up a relationship with someone you were falling in love with to go back to a marriage you were unhappy with, and genuinely give it a chance. Even if no one else does, I respect myself for that.

[stuckbloke]

I have one question I need advice for... I'm visiting my sister tomorrow, and we're going out for a meal to 'talk'. I had been planning on talking about the problems in the marriage, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I talked to her about the truth of what has been going on. Would my wife be really pissed off with me for telling someone else before I told her? What do people think?

[I Survived]

Bad idea to say anything to anyone until you talk to your wife.

 

I'm not bashing you, I'm bashing your behavior and your believed permission to cheat... Do you like to play the victim all the time? Whether you had intercourse or not you were still being unfaithful to your marriage and disrespectful of your wife. If the truth hurts, so be it. Read the book "Emotional Infidelity". Your actions took the energy away from your wife and gave them to someone else because you were selfish. Now you're going to say, I don't know the whole story. Maybe I don't but every situation follows the same script. Good luck.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I like the idea of revealing the truth under the guidance of a third party mediator (councilor). With any luck, they will be able to quickly defuse any knee-jerk reactions or heated words that might be exchanged. People tend to be on their best behavior when someone else is watching.

 

I'm worried that if you tell your sister (or anyone else) before you speak to your wife, the news may leak to her from an outside party. THAT will upset her even more than coming directly from you. Also, if your sister agrees to withhold this information from your wife, she may also be implicated as a co-conspirator in this deception of your wife. That may not bode well with family and friends.

 

Another benefit to the "radical honesty" policy is that it eliminates any possibilities of having to deal with this issue in the future.

 

Let's say, hypothetically, you and your wife are able to repair your relationship given outside professional help. Things are going along fine for a couple of years; you're both finally happy and content; and your affair partner is but painful memory. Then suddenly, someone spills the beans and your wife finds out about it anyway. Everything you've accomplished so far might not account for a hill of beans to her because it will seem like she's been duped into continuing a relationship she may have otherwise bailed out of if she'd been given all the facts from the start. A relationship built on lies, or rebuilt on lies will always be tenuous at best. And the longer you keep a lie, the bigger it will get. And 'lies by omission' are just as devastating…so please don't buy into that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

 

More so, if dishonesty and deceit aren't something you're comfortable with, the emotional toll of always having to worry about becoming discovered may jeopardize any chance you have of investing yourself fully into your relationship recovery.

 

At worst, you're wife may leave you if you tell her the truth. In all honesty, as a thinking, feeling human being she has the absolute right to make that choice for herself. She is no one's "property." But if you're wishing the marriage to end anyway, then you're really not losing anything with the exception of your good reputation among family and friends. Although you're family may be disappointed, they will continue to love you unconditionally. Assuming of course, you come from a close, loving family.

 

Yes, your ego may take a hit and you may be in store for some 'tough love' criticism, but it shows more integrity and substance of character to come clean with your mistakes rather than continue to fool those who love you most by pretending to be someone/something you're not.

 

Good luck to you both, whatever you decide.

[stuckbloke]

Still HUrting - yes - the emotional betrayal is very real. It is important to distinguish between reasons and excuses. There may be reasons - in fact there are a whole host of reasons - primarily, decisions I made, but also problems in the marriage, and the sense of permision I felt I had, but I am not offering them as excuses - inretrospect, nothing excuses this - if that makes sense.

[Sal Paradise]

I don't think you in your wife can work it out. If you finally tell her she is going to be rightfully angry and she isn't going to want to hear any excuses about how you thought you had permission (what kind of crap excuse is that anyway). By the tone of your posts you don't sound as if you even regret the affair. You make it sound like you were the unfortunate victim of circumstances.

 

Basically you were looking for an excuse to cheat and she gave you one when she said she didn't care. It probably never occured to you that her saying that was more than likely as a result of severe depression. If you think you're miserable in the relationship how do you think she feels?

[stuckbloke]

As I've said, there's a difference between reasons and excuses, and I have not offered any excuses.

 

My wife will be the judge of the implications of what she had said to me, and my not making love to my lover - dont you think? She knows what she said, and how she said it. But I will not be offering it as an excuse, but it is part of the truth of what I have done.

 

I do regret the affair, in that it has caused a huge amount of pain, and is set to cause a great deal more. At the time, I didn't regret it, because it was wonderful, and I learnt alot about myself from it. But yes, it was wrong, yes, it has caused pain, and yes, I regret it. As I said before, I have learnt already how damaging an affair is, and iam "cured", in the sense that whatever happens, I will not cheat on anyone again.

 

Not sure why you say that her saying what she did was the result of severe depression - my wife has not been suffering from severe depression. Odd comment. As I said, I had previously worked hard to be a decent husband, even when I felt awful and humiliated. She has told me that she was happy in the marriage, so I must have been doing something right.

 

Not sure where I have said I am a victim either - I have written about the problems in our marriage, and my wife's anger and hostility, our poor sex life etc are certainly a big part of that. But again - I have not offered that as an excuse for the affair. These are merely elements in the dynamic. My choices are my responsibililty. The wider context of our marriage, however, is both of ours.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I cheated on my exH and never admitted a thing. He knew I did but since I never admitted it, he could never ask for details - I just kept denying everything. This was after we realized the marriage was probably over, and it was a mutual decision to separate.

 

Our first counselling was 3 yrs earlier, and I had cheated then. She advised me against telling him but this may be due to some things he told her in private, I don't know.

 

We are separated, have a great friendship, are raising our two kids together and they have adjusted. You can read my other posts to see what else has been going on if you'd like, but everone's different and every situation is different.

 

As for telling your sister, it's nobody's business outside the marriage. My ex told his family I had been seeing another man, and I told him unless he wanted them to know about his porn usage, he'd better retract what he told them if he had no proof - as far as I know, he did.

 

There are always reasons for affairs, this doesn't make it right, but neither is judging someone based on their circumstances.