Has anyone been here before???

[Cis]

Wow - I could have written that letter (and wish I had). You are doing a great job of thinking this whole thing through.

 

One warning - my husband thinks I'm "protecting" my lover (and by extension still "in love" with him) because I also didn't want my husband to contact my lover and make trouble in his life. My husband felt that my lover "destroyed" his life and as I've said before, my husband is in a very revengeful place.

 

Since we live apart (and are talking less and less) - I don't know if he ever contacted my lover (and or his wife) as he threatened. I always thought it was a bad idea, because I felt strongly it wouldn't be in our best interest, since I've come to believe my lover is mentally ill. (yes - I know, I know).

 

Take care and send me a message when you can...

 

Best,

Cis

[stuckbloke]

And there's the rub. My feelings for OW are still stronger than my feelings for W. I don't know if I love my W - my actions suggest I don't. How do you know if you do love someone? Perhaps if you do, you just know, therefore I don't love her. I have felt my love for her had died, and maybe that's actually what has happened. Can it come back? I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do, my conscience demands that i try to make the marriage work, that she (W) deserves decency and basic human respect from me. My friend challenged me today asking whether because I had felt emotionally illtreated by W, and whether this had built up subconscious anger towards her, and whether I was revealing the A to hurt her. I will explore this with my therapist (1st appointment tonight). Maybe I should just leave out the thing about not giving contact details, and if she asks for them, ask her why, then I can challenge her reasons. I should probably leave it out of the letter though. Thanks for the support folks.

[Cis]

I don't think you should second guess yourself - you have to be true to yourself and as authentic as possible. Your letter makes a good and clear case as to why you are coming clean (I felt the exact same - I couldn't work on the marriage alone, and I could never convince my husband to pay serious attention to the problems).

 

At one point my husband also wondered if I wasn't telling him to just hurt him. He's said many times that I could have had both relationships since he is not the type (or wasn't the type) - to snoop, investigate be suspicious etc. But the betray, guilt and lies were making me insane. I wanted my life back - I wanted to really work on my marriage - and I felt this was the ONLY way...

 

I'll be interested in what your therapist says.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by stuckbloke

The only information I will not give you is how to contact her, because your anger should be directed at me, not her.

 

I agree with Cis....you should omit this sentence. Your wife will FOCUS completely on it if you leave it in.

 

Further, while I'm aware that you gave assurances to the OW that you would not give up this information, it may become necessary to do so.

 

If your wife should demand it, try asking her to think it over for a few days. This would of course be the time to remind her that the blame lies with you. If she insists, and I doubt that she will....call OW yourself in wife's presence. Wife may be placated with hearing you tell OW that the affair is over, and that you are firmly involved in restoring the marriage.

 

As far as "finding your love" again....yes, it's possible. You could've knocked me over with a feather last year when I realized that I really did still love my hubby.

 

I think that our feelings of love for our mates are sometimes blocked by resentment and anger. Not always the case, true. But until those negative emotions are resolved....how would you be able to tell?

 

Is it the heart-pounding, chemically-induced, 'falling-in-love' feeling? Nope. But it has it's own unique merits, and in some ways is far more desirable.

[stuckbloke]

Saw the therapist tonight. A few insights. I'm still grieving the loss of OW. I had an intellectual, emotional and physical connection with her that I had not experienced before (including with W). I have never had the marriage I want with W. I have a tendency to deny my needs and feelings and they come out in other ways - addictions, acting out for eg. We need to explore whether I am using this affair as an exit strategy from the marriage - it's a possibility. I am open to a good marriage with W, but I feel like a miracle is needed. I am going to need support to ensure I do not allow my feelings and needs are be sacrificed again during this process.

 

I deleted all phone numbers, so the only way to contact OW is through her parents' - I know their address but would have to call them. I'll leave that sentence out, but if W asks, I'll be asking her to consider very carefully whether contacting her would help US (and she would need to take into account my feelings in that).

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, now it sounds like you and your wife should separate, and you should stay away from the OW too. Be alone for a while - Do some soul searching and see how things go then. Who you miss, who you really love, WHO is your life...It's really unfair to her, and to you if you're this unhappy. I don't know. If you really aren't inlove with your wife and you can't see this MC working out, what's the point?

 

This OW, is she more than just making you feel good? I don't doubt your feelings for her, but what if (just a senario) you end leaving your wife and you are with this OW and it's not what you had hoped it to be... Is this a case of the grass is greener on the other side of the fence?

 

I can't recall, do you and your wife have children? Sorry. If you do, I've forgotten. (My mind is mush today!)

 

It will take you some time to deal with the loss of this OW. (read no foolin's thread in the coping section - That could help you through some of that pain)

 

Well, I wish you luck. Not sure what your outcome will be...Depends on you I guess, and who you want to spend your life with.

[I Survived]

You need to be very careful about how you answer your W's questions about the identity of the OW - you may come across as trying to protect the OW and that will feed the mistrust and really make your wife suspicious whether you're telling her the truth.

It's true, your wife should be angry at you and focus the blame on you, but there is a need to know something about the OW who monopolized your time, energy, emotion and took it away from the person who should have had it.

Your W is going to have many questions and if you make up your mind RIGHT NOW to be an open book and answer her truthfully, you'll be heading in the right direction. Fact is, if you disclose the affair, get counseling, and it does work out, at least you tried.

The day I discovered my husband's A was one of the worst days in my life but I remained calm and told him that we needed to talk more but I was not going to compete with the OW. He needed to tell her to take a break and if we didn't make it, he could go back to her. She needed to step out of the picture while we worked on our marriage. Two weeks after that, I found out that he was still talking to her. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty, because I was not calm that day. My H claims that was the day that he realized how much I really loved him. I was not going to let him go without a fight. Guess what I did worked.

 

Just be careful that your W doesn't think you're protecting the OW. You and your wife should read "The Script" it helped me understand how my behavior towards my H made him think I didn't care which gave him a "Wow, that felt good" moment when the OW contacted him. It's a very very interesting book.

[stuckbloke]

Well, apart from 2 mins last week, where I told OW that i was going to reveal to W, I have not seen her in about 5 weeks. I am trying to get over her and just focus on my relationship with W to see if there's a future there, and I believe anything can happen, but as I've said in this thread, the marriage has been an unhappy one for me. I do not know that OW would even want to see me again if I was divorced - our breaking up must have been very hard, and there's no gurentee she'd want me if W & me split up. So I'm trying to deal with the marriage on it's own terms - without the feeling that I could jump shihp to someone else - I think I should separate if I'd rather be alone than with W. I wil try my damndest to make it work, but I'm not prepared to put up with something that makes me miserable - I can't live like that anymore. Yes - we have 1 4 yr old boy (am organising his b/day party at the moment).

[I Survived]

stuck..I hope what i am about to say will make sense to you and help you. My husband was miserable in our marriage when he had his A. He was very very angry with me and he was tired of not being first with me. He told me that he never felt like a priority with me. I was also unhappy. We were so totally disconnected that I never thought we'd ever come back from his infidelity. But we did and the relationship we have now is so great. I know you're unhappy and it feels hopeless and you don't think your wife will ever love you the way the OW did but the love comes from you letting it in. Take down your wall of protection and let your wife love you. You may be surprised to find that she's unhappy too. The only difference is she didn't have an affair. The major, major feeling both my husband and I felt when the A was first discovered was ABANDONMENT. We abandoned each other. That is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. To live with someone and feel so totally alone is horrible. I think, with counseling, you and your wife will discover that you feel the same about where you are in your marriage right now. I truly hope things works out for you. I'm not lying when I say that it is possible for you and your W to love each other MORE that you ever thought the OW did. You have a history, you have a son, and once upon a time you loved each other enough to get married. Where did that love go?? Go find it, it's still there, I promise. The OW proved that you can love and be loved. Please don't throw what you have away.

[prisoner]

i do mean to interrupt.

 

have you considered making a list. Write down all of the things, noi matter how trivial, you are comfortable talking to your wife about.

 

Then make the liost of things that cause the discomfort. Throw away the good list because they don't need the work although it is always very enlightening to consider how long it has been that you have had one of the good conversations. Okay so don't throw it away but that is not the immediate focus of the exercise.

 

Now take the bad list and show it to your wife. just put it down in front of her, close the door and let her talk. let her tell you about the things on the list.

 

now, here it comes. it may take months. it may take years. you may have to schedule conversations (unfortunate but the modern world is cruel) about the bad list. it will hurt. it will be hard. but that is how you know whether you are too miserable to try.

 

Now here is the hard part: if there is something on the bad list that is on the good list with the other woman then you have the thing you are protecting. that is the thing you have to get past before you can get out from under the shamre and the guilt and the misery.

 

Easy? no. from some silly book? no. does it work? sometimes.

 

and as for protecting this woman from yuor wife, you have done some damage to everyone including yourself. realise that the damage is done. there is no reversing there is only the opportunity to move forward. move forward in the way that is not miserable for you but is fair to your family.

 

i have almost been to where you are. do not make the mistakes taht can cost more than what you have already lost.

[only1life]

One of the therapies that I have seen, is for the H and W to close themselves into a place together for 16 hours - with no TV, no telephones, no kids, no outside contact, nothing but each other. They can do whatever they wish to do, except, of course, nothing violent. They can sit quiet, talk, hug, or pout in a corner alone (but in the same room). After 16 hours, there's a good chance that they will know more about each other.

 

Don't have enough time? Can't fit it into your schedule? Well, then that may be a part of the problem. This is YOUR relationship - it will be whatever you make of it.

 

Be honest, let the words come out and communicate openly. She has to see you exactly as you honestly are, just as you want to know her exactly as she really is.

 

Good luck.

[stuckbloke]

Thanks folks, I think I'm getting a tad overloaded. I've got to get through telling her first. Thanks for the hopeful message StillHurting - I'm glad things have worked out for you - it sounds like things are going well for you now. Prisoner - nice idea - for dealing with the one issue (among many) of conversation, which is difficult between us - we tend to take opposing sides and descend into argument/stop talking about certain subjects. Only1life - sounds like a good idea! Would either drive us insane and apart or back to each other!!! Sounds v. extreme though! Would definitely make or break any couple! Big sigh. Am just going to try to get through this week - have got another therapy session on Wednesday and then the MC session on Friday, where I plan to tell her about the A. After that - God only knows what's going to happen. To be honest, I wish I could go off and be by myself for a few months and figure out what I want. But of course, that's impossible.

[stuckbloke]

Very down today... missing OW like crazy - it's been 5 weeks since we split up and the aching for her isn't going away - how long is this supposed to last? The feelings just don't seem to be going away. Should I be completely honest with W about how I feel about OW? S'only fair I guess.

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse you're going to miss her - She was a big part of your life for a while. You're missing her as well as the strong emotional and sexual feelings you have for her. Not the same intense feeling you have with you wife.

 

Takes time to work through those feelings, just remember your goal, to work things out at home and try to rekindle those feelings for your wife.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by stuckbloke

Very down today... missing OW like crazy - it's been 5 weeks since we split up and the aching for her isn't going away - how long is this supposed to last? The feelings just don't seem to be going away. Should I be completely honest with W about how I feel about OW? S'only fair I guess.

 

What would you want to hear if you were in your wife's position? Would you want to hear how wonderful her other man was? Would you want to hear what a great lover he was? Would you like to hear that his 'equipment' and technique were so much better than yours? Would you want to hear what a terrific and attentive listener he was, and how she could just talk for hours?

 

Would you like to hear her say how much she loves another man? Or how desperately she misses him? Maybe the unspoken comparison about how sadly lacking you are?

 

You know, I think maybe your therapist might be onto something with the "exit strategy" theory. I don't think you WANT to reconcile with your wife, and I don't think you WANT to keep your family together. Maybe you're just using this as an excuse to liberate yourself from your committments. Maybe if you push her hard enough, she'll be the 'bad guy' and make this decision for you.

 

It's just NOT this difficult to 'walk a mile in another person's shoes'. It's not so hard to understand how the woman you vowed to love and honor is going to feel about all this. It's the same as YOU would feel if the situation was reversed....and if you hadn't already abandoned the relationship.

 

If you were really interested in preserving your marriage, you'd be thinking alot MORE about how you're going to repair it.....and alot LESS about how much you miss the OW. You'd be thinking about how hurt your wife is going to be, and what you're going to do to make things right again.

 

Instead, you're consumed by your own feelings. It's still all about you.

 

While I can understand being confused about your emotions, and that you're still trying to sort it all out....you can't rebuild your marriage this way. You are doomed to absolute failure if you're not 100% committed to the effort. There is NO room for ambivalence. There is NO room for apathy.

 

A half-assed attempt at reconciliation is no attempt at all.

 

So, you have to ask yourself....why are you going to put your whole family through all this, when you don't have the conviction in your heart that it's worth the effort? Why not just rip the band-aid off quickly....and call it a day?

 

If not that, and if you REALLY want to work on the marriage....you're going to have to put some SERIOUS effort into sympathizing with your wife. You're going to have to rejoin her team.

 

I'm sorry if all that sounded harsh....but if you don't get down off the fence and decide which yard you're going to play in....you're likely to end up having your decisions made FOR you.

[stuckbloke]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

What would you want to hear if you were in your wife's position? Would you want to hear how wonderful her other man was? Would you want to hear what a great lover he was? Would you like to hear that his 'equipment' and technique were so much better than yours? Would you want to hear what a terrific and attentive listener he was, and how she could just talk for hours?

Would you like to hear her say how much she loves another man? Or how desperately she misses him? Maybe the unspoken comparison about how sadly lacking you are?

 

Is it a question of "what she wants to hear" or is it a question of the truth? I'm confused by your advice Ladyjane. On the one hand you are telling me to be an 'open book' - that my wife deserves to know the truth. Ok. The truth is, OW was kind and gentle to me, in a way I have not known with W. I was intially quite shocked by her kindness, I have become so used to being berrated and shouted at. We understood each other in a way I have not experienced before. Not only was she a better lover than W, but I was a better lover than when I have been with W. So... if W asks me those questions, am I to lie now?

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

You know, I think maybe your therapist might be onto something with the "exit strategy" theory. I don't think you WANT to reconcile with your wife, and I don't think you WANT to keep your family together. Maybe you're just using this as an excuse to liberate yourself from your committments. Maybe if you push her hard enough, she'll be the 'bad guy' and make this decision for you.

 

Maybe - I will be exploring this with my therapist. It certainly wasn't a conscious strategy on my part for starting the A, but of course, the subconscious is not something we're aware of. if you read what I have written, if I go with my feelings, of course I don't want to reconcile - I have felt miserable being married to W - used and unloved. Someone made me feel like a human being again. In my very first post, I asked whether anyone had been here before - i.e. ended the affair because it is the right thing to do, not because they wanted to.

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

It's just NOT this difficult to 'walk a mile in another person's shoes'. It's not so hard to understand how the woman you vowed to love and honor is going to feel about all this. It's the same as YOU would feel if the situation was reversed....and if you hadn't already abandoned the relationship.

 

Of course not - I am not thick.

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

If you were really interested in preserving your marriage, you'd be thinking alot MORE about how you're going to repair it.....and alot LESS about how much you miss the OW. You'd be thinking about how hurt your wife is going to be, and what you're going to do to make things right again.

 

What do you think I've been doing here? Why do you think I ended the affair? The first step is clearly to reveal the affair, ruin my reputation among family and friends etc etc. No one ever found out about this - I don't have to do it.

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Instead, you're consumed by your own feelings. It's still all about you.

 

And so the solution is to deny, repress and sacrifice my feelings? That's what got us here in the first place. W has demonstrated time and time again she doesn't give much of a damn about my feelings. I'm very very good at denying and repressing them. So who, precisely, is going to care about them?

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

While I can understand being confused about your emotions, and that you're still trying to sort it all out....you can't rebuild your marriage this way. You are doomed to absolute failure if you're not 100% committed to the effort. There is NO room for ambivalence. There is NO room for apathy. A half-assed attempt at reconciliation is no attempt at all. So, you have to ask yourself....why are you going to put your whole family through all this, when you don't have the conviction in your heart that it's worth the effort? Why not just rip the band-aid off quickly....and call it a day? If not that, and if you REALLY want to work on the marriage....you're going to have to put some SERIOUS effort into sympathizing with your wife. You're going to have to rejoin her team. I'm sorry if all that sounded harsh....but if you don't get down off the fence and decide which yard you're going to play in....you're likely to end up having your decisions made FOR you. c

 

I do get your point, and I am committed to the effort, but that co-exists with feelings of deep ambivalence about the future and my relationship, and that's the truth. I think that the truth is probably the most important thing here - whatever the outcome is, we need to build our lives on it. So maybe I will have the decision made for me - it's quite likely actually - as I've said, I don't think that W will get past the sex. At the moment, telling W about the affair is looming so large it's very hard to see beyond that. What I will do - talk and talk and talk, make time for us to work things out, search for and tell the truth about myself and our lives, carry on earning the money, doing the childcare, cleaning the kitchen, doing the cooking etc etc etc. And perhaps revealing the A will change the way I feel about W, which at the moment, is not good.

[stuckbloke]

Im sorry - my response may have sounded a bit harsh as well... am very, very anxious and stressed about all this.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by stuckbloke

Is it a question of "what she wants to hear" or is it a question of the truth? I'm confused by your advice Ladyjane. On the one hand you are telling me to be an 'open book' - that my wife deserves to know the truth. Ok. The truth is, OW was kind and gentle to me, in a way I have not known with W. I was intially quite shocked by her kindness, I have become so used to being berrated and shouted at. We understood each other in a way I have not experienced before. Not only was she a better lover than W, but I was a better lover than when I have been with W. So... if W asks me those questions, am I to lie now?

 

There is the truth.....and then there is going for her jugular. Her reaction to hearing things like that will be EXACTLY what you would expect it to be. It will create MORE emotional distance between you.

 

It's reasonable to hear from your man who has strayed..... "I wasn't happy. I didn't feel needed and wanted at home. I couldn't see what I had to lose, because it seemed to be already gone from my perspective".

 

It's nothing more than just another attack to hear how wonderful your husband's mistress is, and how much he loves and misses her, and how he's just trying to "do the right thing" by sacrificing himself on the altar of his previous committments.

 

Maybe - I will be exploring this with my therapist. It certainly wasn't a conscious strategy on my part for starting the A, but of course, the subconscious is not something we're aware of.

 

Of course, you wouldn't have been aware of subconscious feelings. But do you have an awareness now?

 

if you read what I have written, if I go with my feelings, of course I don't want to reconcile - I have felt miserable being married to W - used and unloved. Someone made me feel like a human being again.

 

Your wife didn't "make" you feel anything. Neither did your mistress. Your feelings are yours and yours alone.

 

You made a choice to accept poor treatment from your wife, and to NOT address the causes in the failing of the relationship. You stood be passively, and gave lip-service to problem-solving in your marriage.

 

It's so much easier sometimes to evade difficult problems, and distract yourself with someone else. It's subconscious. The problems are vague, and seem insurmountable. And we give ourselves an emotional out by allowing someone else in.

 

I know what it is to receive poor treatment from my spouse. I accepted it for YEARS....until it almost ended my marriage. Everything that I had been doing to combat it failed.

 

The one thing that I hadn't done, was to reach through it and draw my husband back into my heart. The walls I had placed around it weren't protecting me much anyway.

 

There's no way around. The only way is through.

 

In my very first post, I asked whether anyone had been here before - i.e. ended the affair because it is the right thing to do, not because they wanted to.

 

I think the reason that you didn't hear too much from people who "didn't want to" is because it doesn't work. Infidelty is difficult to overcome in the BEST case scenario. Without committment from BOTH parties...it is impossible.

 

You may feel that I'm berating you at this point. Believe me, I have better things to do with my time.

 

But, I see you as a man ready to walk into battle naked and blind. Your weaponry is lying on the ground at your feet....cast aside in a moment of despair.

 

Your sword is Conviction. Your armor is Integrity. Your shield is Love....for your wife and your child and the little home that you've made together.

 

The beast here is NOT your wife. It's not even you. It's Hopelessness, and you are blinded by it.

 

What do you think I've been doing here? Why do you think I ended the affair? The first step is clearly to reveal the affair, ruin my reputation among family and friends etc etc. No one ever found out about this - I don't have to do it.

 

Why are you doing it then? Is it to reconcile your marriage? Or is it to FORCE your wife to leave you?

 

And so the solution is to deny, repress and sacrifice my feelings?

 

If you are not in control of your emotions....then THEY are in control of you. That's not repressing them. That's recognizing each one, calling it by it's correct name, and then making a choice to act (or not act) on it's behalf.

 

I do get your point, and I am committed to the effort, but that co-exists with feelings of deep ambivalence about the future and my relationship, and that's the truth. I think that the truth is probably the most important thing here - whatever the outcome is, we need to build our lives on it. So maybe I will have the decision made for me - it's quite likely actually - as I've said, I don't think that W will get past the sex. At the moment, telling W about the affair is looming so large it's very hard to see beyond that. What I will do - talk and talk and talk, make time for us to work things out, search for and tell the truth about myself and our lives, carry on earning the money, doing the childcare, cleaning the kitchen, doing the cooking etc etc etc. And perhaps revealing the A will change the way I feel about W, which at the moment, is not good.

 

I agree in the TRUTH...always. But you can wield it like a club here, and hurt this woman more than she's ever been hurt before. Or you can use it as a handkerchief, and dry her tears with it.

 

{sigh}....I almost never recommend Separation to people. In my opinion, it usually ends up as Step #1 in the divorce process. As I said earlier....the way is through. But I don't think you're ready yet.

 

Maybe you should give some consideration to separating for a short time. (???? ) Without taking the time to deal with your current ambivalence, I think that you're going to muck this effort up from the very first stages. Any hope of reconciliation at a later date could be destoyed. Separation now, could possibly preserve your choices...at least for awhile....if you use the time to be on your own and not to explore your extra-marital relationship.

 

It's something to consider....and maybe some other folks will weigh in on that question. Maybe you could talk it over with your therapist.

[I Survived]

I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY agree with Ladyjane14. She has given you some very good advice and her perception of your situation is right on.

[stuckbloke]

Can I just say that I really value the fact that you've spent some of your time thinking about my situation and writing to me LadyJane - thank you for that. I'm reflecting on what you're saying.

I take your point about 'using the truth as a club'. I'm aware of my anger and frustration towards W and will be very very careful about how I respond to questions about OW. I think the best approach is perhaps to talk in terms of how I felt - i.e. I felt wanted and desired, respected and liked etc.... rather than raving about her.

 

Re: subconsciously wanting out of the marriage. Perhaps. It might have been a motivation - I did feel, as you said here, I didn't feel wanted, felt that the marriage had nothing to offer me etc. But it's hard to know whether I actually wanted out, or whether I wanted it better and had just given up trying. Will explore this with the therapist on Weds morning. And i accept that my feelings are my own, but don't really accept that I didn't try to solve them - I think I tried everything I could, but should have asked for MC, in retrospect. I just got so down, I think I gave up.

 

Why am I doing this? To see if there is any chance for us to work out. Yes - I do feel very hopeless - my conviction is wounded, my integrity lies in tatters and while the love I have for my son is whole and strong, my love for my wife feels crushed. Perhaps separation could work - it's very hard to see how I can gain clarity at the moment, and I know W will need to absorb this shock and work through her feelings as well. She will have to do a lot of thinking and processing her feelings, and it may be that creating space between us could help there. I still do over half the chidcare, so would have to be at home a lot during the week, so we could have time together to talk. But I'm committed to not contacting OW unless my marriage is over, so would carry on trying to put her out of my thoughts and feelings. But I think that the way forward in all of this is something that both W and I will have to agree together. I get your point about reaching out to her - thanks.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by stuckbloke

I think the best approach is perhaps to talk in terms of how I felt - i.e. I felt wanted and desired, respected and liked etc.... rather than raving about her.

 

Yes.

 

I just got so down, I think I gave up.

 

Exactly so. That's how it happens to even the best of folks.

 

....my conviction is wounded, my integrity lies in tatters

 

None of us make it through the WHOLE of our lives without occasionally losing sight of our conviction. None of us make it through without cause to mend our integrity, because ALL of us will leave it in "tatters" from time to time. It's the willingness to repair it, that separates us from those who have none left at all.

[only1life]

....I think I tried everything I could, but should have asked for MC, in retrospect. I just got so down, I think I gave up.

 

Why am I doing this? To see if there is any chance for us to work out. Yes - I do feel very hopeless - my conviction is wounded, my integrity lies in tatters and while the love I have for my son is whole and strong, my love for my wife feels crushed.

 

One concern I keep seeing here, is how often you talk and think about yourself. Don't take this wrong, but there are two sides to every relationship, and there has to be a lot of "give and take" which in your case might be a little one-sided. Switch for a moment over to her perspective - Do you think she's enjoyed these years with you? Do you think she'll want to stay with you much longer? And why? When she finds out about the affair, what kindnesses have you done in the past, that are going to give her the strength to forgive you? The kind of forgiveness you'll be asking for is probably the toughest in the world (unfortunately, I know this first-hand) and if things are as bad as you describe, then you better get ready for it!

 

You might consider some preparation for the big "truth" day - how about bringing home some nice roses each night this week. Maybe a surprise delivery of something that will make her feel special? Few ladies would think badly of a nice surprise jewelry gift! Or a hot bath incensed with candles and flowers! OK, she might think something's going on, but, admit it, something is, isn't it? And you've done a big wrong that needs to be fixed, and while she may not know all the details yet, it's likely she has a few notions that things are not as they should be already.

 

But for the next few days, maybe you should concentrate on how she feels, and how she is going to want to live the rest of her life. Make her comfortable first, then worry about yourself later. You can always change your life, but there may not be too many opportunities to make hers better. This is what a great relationship is all about!

 

This whole thing is going to change your future, no matter what! But you can make it a change for the better, if you really try to. The old relationship that you know of is gone, over and done. But maybe you can rebuild the relationship into something that it should have been a long time ago. Good luck!

[stuckbloke]

We are so cold and distant with each other, I just don't believe it's going to work out. Nor, on reflection, do I really believe that I want it to, nor that W will want to when she finds out. She talked about divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour tonight. I think I'm beginning to accept that it's over. I will tell her the truth, and will not seek to hurt her anymore, but I think my marriage is at an end. I think ripping the band aid off may be the only way forward for us.

[whichwayisup]

SB, she more than likely is just as miserable as you are in the marriage. That is probably why she mentioned divorce. She isn't stupid, I'm sure she probably knows you've had an affair. I bet the signs were all there for her to see, she could have put two and two together. Maybe somebody saw you and the OW and mentioned it to her...Never know. Or has seen you with the OW.

 

All I can say from what you wrote now is you are not inlove with your wife, you don't see the marriage worth continuing, you don't want to be with her or give it a chance to workout.

 

Just hope a year from now this isn't a mistake by throwing in the towel, not giving MC a chance.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry that everybody has so much pain now to deal with.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by stuckbloke

We are so cold and distant with each other, I just don't believe it's going to work out. Nor, on reflection, do I really believe that I want it to, nor that W will want to when she finds out. She talked about divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour tonight. I think I'm beginning to accept that it's over. I will tell her the truth, and will not seek to hurt her anymore, but I think my marriage is at an end. I think ripping the band aid off may be the only way forward for us.

 

You're nervous at the looming prospect of D-Day. Don't make any decisions yet. Allow the storm to blow over, and after the dust settles.....you'll be able see what's left.

 

It's hard to imagine the worst case scenario on a daily basis, and not let it affect your perspective......not let it rattle your nerves. But really, why worry? The future will tell all, and you can't see it until it arrives anyhow.

 

Tell her what you need to tell her. Then stand still, and take it all in. Don't make promises you can't keep. And don't give in the urge for 'fight or flight'. Just stand still....'til you know what you want to do.