How to tell the difference: wanting sex or wanting relationship

[ZA Dater]

I am feeling incredibly down today and I ended up wondering this. Guys, how do you know if a lady is simply looking for sex or is looking for a relationship.

 

In the past my approach has been all want a relationship.

[Gaeta]

I have just learned if she says she is not looking for sex, than she is.

 

I know! That complicates the game doesn't it.

 

If she does not use the words I-am-looking-for-a-relationship than she is not.

[QueenDafine]

If she bothers to put time into you and doesnt always want to end the date in bed? Also if she's in a rush to hurry off after the sex, or just not really talk to you, there you go

[ZA Dater]

I have just learned if she says she is not looking for sex, than she is.

 

I know! That complicates the game doesn't it.

 

If she does not use the words I-am-looking-for-a-relationship than she is not.

 

That gave me a smile, thanks!

 

Honestly I have never been able to tell what any of the females I have met were looking for.

[GoodOnPaper]

I am feeling incredibly down today and I ended up wondering this. Guys, how do you know if a lady is simply looking for sex or is looking for a relationship.

 

In the past my approach has been all want a relationship.

 

For me, it was quite simple -- if a woman had any inkling of interest in me, then it was going to be for a relationship. If a woman wanted something casual, then she would have zero interest in me. I wasn't nearly attractive/buff enough to attract anyone for something casual.

 

If you struggle with attracting women in general, then your approach has to be the default one -- just to get sex, you will need to get into a relationship. If you don't struggle with attracting women in general, then others will have better advice.

[losangelena]

I wasn't nearly attractive/buff enough to attract anyone for something casual.

 

That's assuming that women who want casual only want it with buff/attractive men.

 

Untrue! That's so untrue. I speak from experience.

[GoodOnPaper]

That's assuming that women who want casual only want it with buff/attractive men.

 

Untrue! That's so untrue. I speak from experience.

 

Sadly, that information is over 20 years too late . . .

 

I just brought it up because I seem to recall the OP's previous posts and threads being of the struggling variety. He didn't say here whether he's been running into women who want casual instead of a relationship (or vice versa), or if he wants to meet women that prefer one over the other.

[empresario]

Agreed with Gaeta.

 

 

Every time a woman has ever told me she 'is a classy girl' or 'is not looking for a hook-up' she sends me nude pictures before the first date.

 

 

The old 'the lady doth protest too much, methinks'.

[mike_89]

I am feeling incredibly down today and I ended up wondering this. Guys, how do you know if a lady is simply looking for sex or is looking for a relationship.

 

In the past my approach has been all want a relationship.

I don't see how this is a problem. If she wants a relationship with you, she also wants to have sex with you. So just have sex with her and keep on dating to see if you want to have something more serious with her. If you don't, just tell her after a month or two that you'd like to stay friends with benefits but that a relationship won't work out.

[ZA Dater]

Just wondering if I should have rather spent last 15 years looking for sex instead of being a gentleman who wanted a relationship.

[kendahke]

I think your 15 year drought has more to do with the kinds of women you choose to approach. Plenty of young women out there want relationships; plenty of young women out there don't. It depends upon how your preferences play into you getting or not getting next to who you want to be next to.

[Jj66]

I have just learned if she says she is not looking for sex, than she is.

 

Ding! Ding! Ding!

 

I was with a woman after spending the day with her. After I kissed her and the kisses became deeper she told me "I'm not having sex with you tonight" We kissed more. Then she said "and I'm not one if these women who says I'm not going to have sex and then changes her mind"

 

I knew right then and there that I was going to get laid. We hadn't been kissing long and her mind was already so focused on sex she was trying to talk herself out of it.

 

We kissed a little more and the next things she said was "do you have condoms?"

 

 

No means no, but I'm not going to have sex with you tonight means I rally want to have sex with you (but don't want say it because then I will be a slut).

[losangelena]

I was with a woman after spending the day with her. After I kissed her and the kisses became deeper she told me "I'm not having sex with you tonight" We kissed more. Then she said "and I'm not one if these women who says I'm not going to have sex and then changes her mind"

 

HAHA, yes.

 

I think this is the crux of the issue. It's a double standard, but women are still conditioned to think that if they put out easily, that they're a ho or a slut; labels that are not generally applied to men. So saying, "I'm not going to have sex with you" is almost a default position. I feel like it almost means, "I know I'm not supposed to want to have sex with you until I've figured out if you a good guy or not."

 

But what I think is true for a man is true for a woman—if she likes a guy enough, she'll sleep with him regardless of her "official stance." Saying I'm not going to have sex is really just a woman's way of saying "please don't think I'm a slut."

 

IMO, I think women should be able to sleep with whomever they want, whenever they want, and not be afraid of labels. If premarital sex is the norm these days, then why should even relationship-minded women have to play some silly "wait x-number of dates" game? If a woman wants to wait to have an exclusivity conversation before she gets down—go for it; if a woman doesn't care that much—go for it.

[ZA Dater]

I think your 15 year drought has more to do with the kinds of women you choose to approach. Plenty of young women out there want relationships; plenty of young women out there don't. It depends upon how your preferences play into you getting or not getting next to who you want to be next to.

 

Yeh, I suppose if I had a penchant for mousy, large obese, classless, poorly spoken, single mothers with dead end jobs, I'd have both sex and a relationship.

 

 

PS I don't approach ever because I have nothing marketable to offer. Lesson learnt the hard way.

[ZA Dater]

Ding! Ding! Ding!

 

I was with a woman after spending the day with her. After I kissed her and the kisses became deeper she told me "I'm not having sex with you tonight" We kissed more. Then she said "and I'm not one if these women who says I'm not going to have sex and then changes her mind"

 

I knew right then and there that I was going to get laid. We hadn't been kissing long and her mind was already so focused on sex she was trying to talk herself out of it.

 

We kissed a little more and the next things she said was "do you have condoms?"

 

 

No means no, but I'm not going to have sex with you tonight means I rally want to have sex with you (but don't want say it because then I will be a slut).

 

Good insight, thanks for sharing. I haven't even to the hand hold stage never mind kissing hahaha.

[David2772]

It's helpful to have an open and honest discussion about it.. unless of course, she's confused..

[Jj66]

Good insight, thanks for sharing. I haven't even to the hand hold stage never mind kissing hahaha.

 

I thought the subject was how to tell if a woman wants sex or a relationship. If this is the case, she doesn't want either. Case closed.

 

Women want to be wanted by men they fine attractive. If you don't flirt with them, hold their hand, or try to kiss them how can they even know if you want them?

 

I think most women like gentlemen but they don't like timid and passive men.

 

Take some sort of class or get some therapy on how to be more confident and assertive. That will serve you better than all the dating advice in the world and will benefit you outside the dating arena as well.

[elaine567]

Yeh, I suppose if I had a penchant for mousy, large obese, classless, poorly spoken, single mothers with dead end jobs, I'd have both sex and a relationship.

 

OK, I can see that anyone who does OLD is going to get their fair share of no-hopers and poor matches, but if all you get is people who are no match whatsoever for what you want, I guess your dating profile is not giving out a good impression of who you actually are, nor of who you want to meet.

Maybe it needs tweaked, if not redesigned totally.

[ZA Dater]

I thought the subject was how to tell if a woman wants sex or a relationship. If this is the case, she doesn't want either. Case closed.

 

Women want to be wanted by men they fine attractive. If you don't flirt with them, hold their hand, or try to kiss them how can they even know if you want them?

 

I think most women like gentlemen but they don't like timid and passive men.

 

Take some sort of class or get some therapy on how to be more confident and assertive. That will serve you better than all the dating advice in the world and will benefit you outside the dating arena as well.

 

I am actually quite assertive, I couldn't do the job I do without being assertive. Honestly I don't know how to flirt but I'd think sending them flowers does she I am interested in them.

 

 

Confidence that disappeared after being rejected for 15 years.

 

 

Thanks anyway.

 

 

I thought about this, my zero experience level was why I never went looking for sex, ladies who want sex actually want someone who isn't a first timer.

[ZA Dater]

OK, I can see that anyone who does OLD is going to get their fair share of no-hopers and poor matches, but if all you get is people who are no match whatsoever for what you want, I guess your dating profile is not giving out a good impression of who you actually are, nor of who you want to meet.

Maybe it needs tweaked, if not redesigned totally.

 

In SA OLD is for those with absolutely NO HOPE at all. Go to a party and tell someone you are on a dating site and they look at you like you are from outer space, its taboo here.

 

 

In the last 7 years across 5 platforms I have had many different profile, none attracted anything I wanted, ok there was maybe one but thanks to working with kids 24/7 all she really was, was a 27yo kid herself with a cindarella syndrome.

[ZA Dater]

OK, I can see that anyone who does OLD is going to get their fair share of no-hopers and poor matches, but if all you get is people who are no match whatsoever for what you want, I guess your dating profile is not giving out a good impression of who you actually are, nor of who you want to meet.

Maybe it needs tweaked, if not redesigned totally.

 

 

I actually went and deleted all my profiles, cancelled subscriptions (rather not think the money I have wasted on this),

 

 

I am done, the calibre of person I like is simply never going to like me no matter what I do, say, give, project.

 

 

Absolute utter despair is what I feel and a sizeable portion of stupidity too, mixed with a huge chunk of regret, thrown together with a helping of self loathing.

[katiegrl]

Ding! Ding! Ding!

 

I was with a woman after spending the day with her. After I kissed her and the kisses became deeper she told me "I'm not having sex with you tonight" We kissed more. Then she said "and I'm not one if these women who says I'm not going to have sex and then changes her mind"

 

I knew right then and there that I was going to get laid. We hadn't been kissing long and her mind was already so focused on sex she was trying to talk herself out of it.

 

We kissed a little more and the next things she said was "do you have condoms?"

 

 

 

 

That's hilarious. And I agree with ZA....fabulous insight!!

[joseb]

That's hilarious. And I agree with ZA....fabulous insight!!

 

Yeah the last girl that told me she definitely wasn't into ons ended up being a ons, so I think there is something on this!

 

I wonder if I should also take with a grain of salt all these tinder profiles that say they are not looking for hookups?!

[RoseVille]

If she does not use the words I-am-looking-for-a-relationship than she is not.

 

I don't agree. I don't come out and say that straight away, but that's exactly what I'm looking for.

[Qboro90]

I think that there is a small percentage of women out there that are strictly just looking for casual sex when they go on a date or meet someone. Even women who might just want sex can be swayed into wanting a relationship if the guy they meet is enticing enough to them. Majority of women I've met in my life want to find a guy they can be with but aren't going to advertise that early on because that just wreaks of desperation and neediness. Expect that 90% of women over 25/26 years old want to end up in a relationship.