How to tell the difference: wanting sex or wanting relationship

[lino]

You are a sound and logical guy so this won't make much sense to you and it doesn't to me either but women aren't logical when it comes to romance and I believe that is an area you may have a problem with.

I did too but in a different way to yourself.

 

You actually don't need to tell the difference. You just need to be a guy who can get all the sex he wants when he wants. Once you're that guy and women know it through word of mouth or observations, you'll have a lot of knocks on the door for relationships.

[lino]

To add to that, while you're known as the gentleman who pulls out chairs and sends flowers without having earned them, things will continue the way they are.

[Gaeta]

I don't agree. I don't come out and say that straight away, but that's exactly what I'm looking for.

 

Why do you tip toe around it?

 

I want a relationship is not I want a relationship with you. It just means I am out there in the dating world with the objective to find someone for a serious relationship. I say that loud and clear during a first conversation upon very first contact. I know what I want, I am precise and transparent. NO man can get back to me after a month dating with OH but I thought you just wanted casual.

[joseb]

Why do you tip toe around it?

 

I want a relationship is not I want a relationship with you. It just means I am out there in the dating world with the objective to find someone for a serious relationship. I say that loud and clear during a first conversation upon very first contact. I know what I want, I am precise and transparent. NO man can get back to me after a month dating with OH but I thought you just wanted casual.

 

I agree. I appreciate it when a girl says that to me. As I am not looking for a serious relationship, it means neither of us is wasting time.

[Woggle]

Just be the kind of man that genuinely turns women on and everything else should fall into place.

[ZA Dater]

The confusing thing for me here is I am challenging my admittedly defeated mind to think along other lines.

 

I trust not too many will laugh but if you do that's also ok.

 

Scenario like this

 

Meet someone at a party, one has two options.

 

1: Be nice enough in the hope you can see her again for a real date.

2: Decide you want sex with her that evening and through trying to charm, alcohol you attempt to get that.

 

I have always been about option 1 but maybe I have been wrong, if I am going to push out of my comfort zone completely I'd have been better off trying option 2.

[Qboro90]

The confusing thing for me here is I am challenging my admittedly defeated mind to think along other lines.

 

I trust not too many will laugh but if you do that's also ok.

 

Scenario like this

 

Meet someone at a party, one has two options.

 

1: Be nice enough in the hope you can see her again for a real date.

2: Decide you want sex with her that evening and through trying to charm, alcohol you attempt to get that.

 

I have always been about option 1 but maybe I have been wrong, if I am going to push out of my comfort zone completely I'd have been better off trying option 2.

 

 

In that scenario you used the "norm" would be introducing yourself to her, engaging her in conversation and at some point before the night is over ask for her number. Then a day or two later text and tell her it was nice meeting her and you would like to know if she'd like to grab drinks or dinner this weekend(or a date that's convenient for her/you). Not too complicated.

 

Your option 2 sounds more like robots meeting. "Decide you want to have sex with her"... Wtf is that lol. Do you walk around and look at women and need to have an analytical debate before you come to the answer "yes... I would like to have sex with her... Proceed with charm, marketing self, and beverage consumption" .... It doesn't work like that. There's a certain unspoken language that I don't think I'd be able to explain when it comes to casual sex and meeting women like that. There's never going to be a discussion where she says "yes I'd be interested in having sex with you but I don't want to date you, where's your place?". That's just not what goes on.

[ZA Dater]

In that scenario you used the "norm" would be introducing yourself to her, engaging her in conversation and at some point before the night is over ask for her number. Then a day or two later text and tell her it was nice meeting her and you would like to know if she'd like to grab drinks or dinner this weekend(or a date that's convenient for her/you). Not too complicated.

 

Your option 2 sounds more like robots meeting. "Decide you want to have sex with her"... Wtf is that lol. Do you walk around and look at women and need to have an analytical debate before you come to the answer "yes... I would like to have sex with her... Proceed with charm, marketing self, and beverage consumption" .... It doesn't work like that. There's a certain unspoken language that I don't think I'd be able to explain when it comes to casual sex and meeting women like that. There's never going to be a discussion where she says "yes I'd be interested in having sex with you but I don't want to date you, where's your place?". That's just not what goes on.

 

Option 1 has never worked for me, the last time I asked for a number like that I was told "oh ask my friend for it tomorrow"

 

Option 2: that involves me having to drink and try be fun in the hope I can get her to drink and have fun.

 

Told you I was totally clueless.

[Qboro90]

Option 1 has never worked for me, the last time I asked for a number like that I was told "oh ask my friend for it tomorrow"

 

Option 2: that involves me having to drink and try be fun in the hope I can get her to drink and have fun.

 

Told you I was totally clueless.

 

 

So why didn't you ask her friend for it the next day? What's the problem there? I thought you were gonna say that the last time you tried that a girl laughed in your face and told you to get away from her. That I could understand affecting you and having you hesitant to try again. Girls say no. It's one of their favorite word in the English language. Anytime I went out and was going to approach a girl I assumed that she would say no and that way I had nothing to lose by trying.

 

I thought of it like baseball. If you get up 10 times and get 3 hits you're batting .300..... That means that you're literally failing 70% of the time. Yet a .300 hitter for his career gets inducted into the hall of fame. Dating and meeting women is a game of failure. Wanting or expecting it not to be is just illogical and unrealistic.

[ZA Dater]

So why didn't you ask her friend for it the next day? What's the problem there? I thought you were gonna say that the last time you tried that a girl laughed in your face and told you to get away from her. That I could understand affecting you and having you hesitant to try again. Girls say no. It's one of their favorite word in the English language. Anytime I went out and was going to approach a girl I assumed that she would say no and that way I had nothing to lose by trying.

 

I thought of it like baseball. If you get up 10 times and get 3 hits you're batting .300..... That means that you're literally failing 70% of the time. Yet a .300 hitter for his career gets inducted into the hall of fame. Dating and meeting women is a game of failure. Wanting or expecting it not to be is just illogical and unrealistic.

 

I just took that as a sign of no interest at all.

[candie13]

I am feeling incredibly down today and I ended up wondering this. Guys, how do you know if a lady is simply looking for sex or is looking for a relationship.

 

In the past my approach has been all want a relationship.

 

OP, I'm sorry, that is a really general question and there is NO real general answer because women are so diverse, you can't get one true general answer for all women on this planet. It doesn't work that way.

 

So if you're not getting the answers you want, maybe you should change the question. What is it that you want? What one Earth do YOU want?

 

Ok, some ladies may want sex, other may want RS, other kids and marriage, others just kids, other open RS and God knows what else.

 

What do you want? What are you standing for ? What's important to you? Find the answer to those question and you'll be the one doing the selection, rather than trying to read women's mind and make it your job to fit that description. Be clear with yourself as to what your needs are and everything else will fall into place.

[candie13]

So why didn't you ask her friend for it the next day? What's the problem there? I thought you were gonna say that the last time you tried that a girl laughed in your face and told you to get away from her. That I could understand affecting you and having you hesitant to try again. Girls say no. It's one of their favorite word in the English language. Anytime I went out and was going to approach a girl I assumed that she would say no and that way I had nothing to lose by trying.

 

I thought of it like baseball. If you get up 10 times and get 3 hits you're batting .300..... That means that you're literally failing 70% of the time. Yet a .300 hitter for his career gets inducted into the hall of fame. Dating and meeting women is a game of failure. Wanting or expecting it not to be is just illogical and unrealistic.

 

Guys, really, if a girl just wants to get laid, you generally know it. You feel it. By how she acts, by the vibes she gives in your interaction. No need to pester 100 girls with that "wanna have sex with me tonight" so that you bump into those 3 who'll say yes. Communication goes beyond words, ya know.

[candie13]

As a man, we are in a wonderful position where we do not have to even consider once what a woman is looking for from us. Unless of course we are speaking about gold diggers, but that is another conversation. Guys just need to know whether or not a woman will have sex with us. If we can get that, everything else follows.

Every woman I've ever spent any real time with has wanted a relationship, including the ones who say they do not.

 

Well, sex doesn't just fall one day from heaven. I may consider having sex with various dates, but you can bet all your money I'll keep those legs crossed until I see that that person is interested in me and wants to spend time with me, not simply actively trying to get into my knickers.

 

And yeah, it is reasonable to think that any women who spends a lot of time with you or around you may want a RS with you. Otherwise they'd be long gone. It's a reasonable assumption to make. So if they're sticking around, you may ask yourself what you want. If it's just sex, keep it short and sweet.

[Zippy2000]

I am feeling incredibly down today and I ended up wondering this. Guys, how do you know if a lady is simply looking for sex or is looking for a relationship.

 

In the past my approach has been all want a relationship.

 

 

 

Women can fake orgasms but men can fake relationships!

[ZA Dater]

Guys, really, if a girl just wants to get laid, you generally know it. You feel it. By how she acts, by the vibes she gives in your interaction. No need to pester 100 girls with that "wanna have sex with me tonight" so that you bump into those 3 who'll say yes. Communication goes beyond words, ya know.

 

Genuinely I cant tell.

[ZA Dater]

OP, I'm sorry, that is a really general question and there is NO real general answer because women are so diverse, you can't get one true general answer for all women on this planet. It doesn't work that way.

 

So if you're not getting the answers you want, maybe you should change the question. What is it that you want? What one Earth do YOU want?

 

Ok, some ladies may want sex, other may want RS, other kids and marriage, others just kids, other open RS and God knows what else.

 

What do you want? What are you standing for ? What's important to you? Find the answer to those question and you'll be the one doing the selection, rather than trying to read women's mind and make it your job to fit that description. Be clear with yourself as to what your needs are and everything else will fall into place.

 

I am going to admit this, I always wanted a relationship but in 15 years I am not closer to finding that and am wondering in hindsight if I would have been better of just pursuing sex instead, maybe that is easier to find (though if one is shy like me, that's unlikely).

[candie13]

Genuinely I cant tell.

meet more women. Date more women. The more time you spend near women, the easier it gets to read them. That's why womanizers are so successful, they spend all of their time with them and got the key as to how their mind works. The more sexual organs of a woman's body is her brain.

 

To win a war, you should first understand the mindset of your opponent.

 

And most importantly, make friends with more women - those who date loads and those relationship-oriented. Talk to them, ask questions, make them see you when you are on dates so that they give you feedback. Female friends will give you LOADS of advice and tips .

[candie13]

I am going to admit this, I always wanted a relationship but in 15 years I am not closer to finding that and am wondering in hindsight if I would have been better of just pursuing sex instead, maybe that is easier to find (though if one is shy like me, that's unlikely).

 

Well... I can tell that I've been guilty of the same thing for the last 5 years - also I did have a couple of RS long the way. But they didn't last, so I'm not that sure that I can consider those wild successes, hahaha.

 

What I've realized - for myself - is that I wanted a relationship. Period. Not a relationship with that guy. I wanted a relationship. A boyfriend. Now... which man in their right mind wants to be nothing but a place holder?

 

I was wrong because I was projecting my own needs onto them - my needs of feeling loved, of security, of belonging. Wrong. I need to take care of those needs myself.

 

Now, I try to get to know the men I date. To understand them. To see if I really do like them and to understand how they are and what needs they have, instead of simply trying to make them fit in my idea of a RS... Not all guys I date are relationship material. Not all men I sleep with, even though the attraction may be there, are good or worthy RS partners.

 

Maybe you should do the same. Forget about trying to be "in a relationship" and just focus on the person in front of you and see if you like what they have. The more you get to read them and understand them, the more you will be in control and get to evaluate where those dates are going - towards smth casual or towards a RS. No one can read minds.

[ZA Dater]

meet more women. Date more women. The more time you spend near women, the easier it gets to read them. That's why womanizers are so successful, they spend all of their time with them and got the key as to how their mind works. The more sexual organs of a woman's body is her brain.

 

To win a war, you should first understand the mindset of your opponent.

 

And most importantly, make friends with more women - those who date loads and those relationship-oriented. Talk to them, ask questions, make them see you when you are on dates so that they give you feedback. Female friends will give you LOADS of advice and tips .

 

I don't really have any guy friends never mind female friend!

 

The most attractive part of a women for me is her face and her personality, sure she must not be obese but intelligence is a massive attraction for me.

 

I agree, one does need to understand but truthfully I cant, I spent years being the nice guy I am, hoping it would mean something and help me at dating, I listed all the good things about myself and tried to project those things but cynically I now know MOST females seem to all want the same thing/attributes of which I have none.

 

One friend said to me once "any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you", see that falls into what I call a "sweet lie', I'd rather have the hurtful truth than a sweet lie.

 

If I was/am so great why can I only attract the bottom of the dating world.

 

I know exactly what I need to fix almost all these issues but its so so hard to find.

[candie13]

I am sorry, mate, but you seem to have bigger issues that just attracting a romantic partner. People who are successful at attracting sexual mates are good with people and good around people.

 

Work on your people's skills, open up, befriend people, that's how you get to evolve. The more people you meet, the better you will get at meeting people.

 

I'm sorry, to me it seems that you're asking yourself the wrong questions.

 

I'm not a person who has a million friends, but I do have both male and female friends around. They are my support system and they are giving me feedback when I fail miserably and they are the ones I share my dearest successes with.

 

Work on yourself first, before wanting to meet a partner. I understand your desire, it's a natural, human one... but yeah, things are never that easy, in real life. Success is 1% luck and inspiration and 99% transpiration. How are you working, where's your sweat ?

[ZA Dater]

Well... I can tell that I've been guilty of the same thing for the last 5 years - also I did have a couple of RS long the way. But they didn't last, so I'm not that sure that I can consider those wild successes, hahaha.

 

What I've realized - for myself - is that I wanted a relationship. Period. Not a relationship with that guy. I wanted a relationship. A boyfriend. Now... which man in their right mind wants to be nothing but a place holder?

 

I was wrong because I was projecting my own needs onto them - my needs of feeling loved, of security, of belonging. Wrong. I need to take care of those needs myself.

 

Now, I try to get to know the men I date. To understand them. To see if I really do like them and to understand how they are and what needs they have, instead of simply trying to make them fit in my idea of a RS... Not all guys I date are relationship material. Not all men I sleep with, even though the attraction may be there, are good or worthy RS partners.

 

Maybe you should do the same. Forget about trying to be "in a relationship" and just focus on the person in front of you and see if you like what they have. The more you get to read them and understand them, the more you will be in control and get to evaluate where those dates are going - towards smth casual or towards a RS. No one can read minds.

 

The above makes a lot of sense to me in many ways. For me though, its always been about them and what they want, I am happy to be flexible, try new things if it would mean spending time with someone I really like.

 

I always focus on the person in front of me, for example this last one I have now met up with a 3 different events, one of which she came as my 'date". Everything in front of me I like, yes she isn't the best looking but the way she engages my mind is really attractive. Would I want to sleep with her, yes I would but there is a huge personality attraction, there are common interests, common beliefs.

 

Despite all of this and me being a gentleman I just cant get anywhere, not even into the friend zone.

 

There was another one, she friend zoned me immediately then cut off all contact from me for no reason at all.

 

I am likely to see person one again at some party or event and must be honest the thought did cross my mind to get both of us drinking and see where it goes but morally not sure I can do that.

 

My other problem is a inability to give up.

 

Of course I am also extremely desperate for some success.

[ZA Dater]

I am sorry, mate, but you seem to have bigger issues that just attracting a romantic partner. People who are successful at attracting sexual mates are good with people and good around people.

 

Work on your people's skills, open up, befriend people, that's how you get to evolve. The more people you meet, the better you will get at meeting people.

 

I'm sorry, to me it seems that you're asking yourself the wrong questions.

 

I'm not a person who has a million friends, but I do have both male and female friends around. They are my support system and they are giving me feedback when I fail miserably and they are the ones I share my dearest successes with.

 

Work on yourself first, before wanting to meet a partner. I understand your desire, it's a natural, human one... but yeah, things are never that easy, in real life. Success is 1% luck and inspiration and 99% transpiration. How are you working, where's your sweat ?

 

I really cant debate much of the above apart from saying I guess there is some degree of truth to it. Its no surprise the people I find most attractive are outgoing and confident with great social skills.

 

Honestly I wouldn't know how to meet anyone, I interact with people often just people who aren't in my age range and who aren't single. One friend has tried to help me but everything he suggests just flops badly.

 

I don't open up every, I walked around for 14.5 years before admitting to a close friend I am useless at dating and really unhappy with dating life.

 

The only feedback I'd welcome is from dates as to why they aren't interested in me.

 

I keep thinking for people like me the only option is to pay, sad as it sounds.

[candie13]

For me though, its always been about them and what they want, I am happy to be flexible, try new things if it would mean spending time with someone I really like.

Get to know yourself. Allow yourself the luxury to evaluate the other person and ask yourself if you like them or not. Looks like you are so desperate for acceptance that women feel it. No one likes a desperate man, ZA... HEalthy boundaries.

 

As crazy as it may seem, the key to success is actually using your common sense to cross some women out and say "hell no. Her? Never". Saying no to some women will make other women say yes to you.

 

I always focus on the person in front of me, for example this last one I have now met up with a 3 different events, one of which she came as my 'date". Everything in front of me I like, yes she isn't the best looking but the way she engages my mind is really attractive. Would I want to sleep with her, yes I would but there is a huge personality attraction, there are common interests, common beliefs.

Well, give her space and don't just say yes to everything. Hold your ground. Make her wonder a little. Women like a bit of mystery and challenge. So.. yeah, try some hot and cold with her, maybe that will make her wonder a bit about you, who knows ?

 

Despite all of this and me being a gentleman I just cant get anywhere, not even into the friend zone.

MAybe because you just want it too badly to work out. You become your own worst enemy.

 

There was another one, she friend zoned me immediately then cut off all contact from me for no reason at all.

Seems as if you've scared her off because you were all over her, most probably. You are in dear need of female friends, I am sorry. People who are honest with you, who can not only hear you out, but who can also tell you what you're doing wrong and how to change that...

 

I am likely to see person one again at some party or event and must be honest the thought did cross my mind to get both of us drinking and see where it goes but morally not sure I can do that.

You're too tough on yourself. Just relax, really. It's just an event, it's just a few drinks, it's just a few laughs... you don't have to already know where it's going. You don't know where it's going, anywhere. Stop trying to anticipate, just have a good time and ... yeah, allow yourself to not know what might happen next. It's when you'll have the best of times and connect with people best. Try it .

 

My other problem is a inability to give up.

you sound scared and a bit clingy. Those 2 things are a turn off, I am really sorry, OP.

 

Of course I am also extremely desperate for some success.

Well... almost everyone is desperate for some success in some area... not everyone is extremely desperate for success.

 

IF you don't mind my saying so... you sound a bit lonely. Why don't you try to liaise with people like-minded and make some good solid friends? Failures will seem less bitter and desperation less soul sucking... I'm sure that might help you out.

[candie13]

Honestly I wouldn't know how to meet anyone, I interact with people often just people who aren't in my age range and who aren't single. One friend has tried to help me but everything he suggests just flops badly.

 

I don't open up every, I walked around for 14.5 years before admitting to a close friend I am useless at dating and really unhappy with dating life.

 

The only feedback I'd welcome is from dates as to why they aren't interested in me.

 

I keep thinking for people like me the only option is to pay, sad as it sounds.

 

After reading this post, I think that's your issue. You don't know yourself and you seem to fear rejection from everyone, including your friends. Everyone fails, ZA. Everyone. It is human to fail. But it takes strength and intelligence to learn from it.

 

Talk to your friends. Open up about really sensitive issues. Everyone has them. We aaaaaallllll have really sensitive issues. But most of us talk about it. Try reading about some books on shame, that will completely change your perspective.

 

I think if you are determined to improve yourself and your life, you will be able to make it. MAybe you're shy - but you are here and you are talking about your issues, that's good. Just remember that real life happens beyond LS and there lies your answer. If you cannot liaise with people, start reading, to understand how to overcome your social hung ups.

 

As for sex and RS, where you are... there are no miracles possible, ZA. If you want a gf right now, that's maybe not gonna happen. If I want a bf right now, that's maybe not gonna happen either. It's not how real life works.

[ZA Dater]

Get to know yourself. Allow yourself the luxury to evaluate the other person and ask yourself if you like them or not. Looks like you are so desperate for acceptance that women feel it. No one likes a desperate man, ZA... HEalthy boundaries.

 

As crazy as it may seem, the key to success is actually using your common sense to cross some women out and say "hell no. Her? Never". Saying no to some women will make other women say yes to you.

 

 

Well, give her space and don't just say yes to everything. Hold your ground. Make her wonder a little. Women like a bit of mystery and challenge. So.. yeah, try some hot and cold with her, maybe that will make her wonder a bit about you, who knows ?

 

 

MAybe because you just want it too badly to work out. You become your own worst enemy.

 

 

Seems as if you've scared her off because you were all over her, most probably. You are in dear need of female friends, I am sorry. People who are honest with you, who can not only hear you out, but who can also tell you what you're doing wrong and how to change that...

 

 

You're too tough on yourself. Just relax, really. It's just an event, it's just a few drinks, it's just a few laughs... you don't have to already know where it's going. You don't know where it's going, anywhere. Stop trying to anticipate, just have a good time and ... yeah, allow yourself to not know what might happen next. It's when you'll have the best of times and connect with people best. Try it .

 

 

you sound scared and a bit clingy. Those 2 things are a turn off, I am really sorry, OP.

 

 

Well... almost everyone is desperate for some success in some area... not everyone is extremely desperate for success.

 

IF you don't mind my saying so... you sound a bit lonely. Why don't you try to liaise with people like-minded and make some good solid friends? Failures will seem less bitter and desperation less soul sucking... I'm sure that might help you out.

 

Again a lot of sense. I am lonely, always have been my entire life. I fill days with endless amounts of work and other projects to keep myself busy.

 

I really hate to type what coming next but you make many good points but I ask myself is it really worth trying to change who I am in the HOPE I may find someone when I simply may not.

 

Everything I plan and anticipate and in my mind have scenarios of how I want things to work out and if that doesn't work then an alternative.

 

Deep down I live with the fact I probably have met miss perfect but I made too many mistakes and messed it up, try and live with that feeling.

 

I do hold my ground I enjoy debate, most females don't have the intellect for a debate.

 

At the end of the day there is clearly something wrong with ME because nobody else I know has had such an awful dating time as I have.

 

The other option I am thinking about is to try focus on other things, try and no feel so hopeless and lonely at dating, avoid going to events where I need a date, avoid social settings where I feel I need a date and just work on more projects more of the time.

 

After Saturday spending time with K, I just have this enormous longing for something like that, it just works with her for whatever reason, I don't feel awkward and a looser I can just be me, I don't need to dumb myself down and the attention I get from her, as superficial as I know realise it to be is just nice.

 

Every time I have met up with her I felt the same afterwards, the first meet up was pure chance (mutual friends) and I knew within 10 min of chatting I liked what was sitting in front of me.

 

Be all that as it may I am that kid looking into the sweet shop and that's were I am destined to remain unless I simply walk away completely.