How to tell the difference: wanting sex or wanting relationship

[joseb]

 

To win a war, you should first understand the mindset of your opponent.

.

 

Candie, you make it sound sooo... romantic...

[candie13]

well... you're gonna hate reading this, but get less busy. Less projects and less work. Go out there and meet people. Talk to people. Work and projects are easy if you have the intellectual capacity for it. Meeting people and forming sound friendships is hard for those emotionally less evolved.

 

You're also an overthinker. Try mindful meditation for stop ruminating or at least have a better control over it.

 

You're not saying anything new to me. Now, IMHO, you need to make space for social interaction, however buys work may be and however you may hate social interaction. Identify things that you are passionate about and meet like-minded people - assuming that's not internet gaming, haha! I'd do yoga in the park, book clubs, debate meet ups, etc.

 

It's really stupid simple, but the more time you spend around people, the better you're going to get at interacting with them. And in a way, good / better social skills will for sure improve your changes of keeping a girl near you.

 

why don't you start a journal on LS and write about your actions in making your life more socially interactive and talking about your accomplishments or hung ups?

 

don't get me wrong, coming around here, talking about it, whining, feeling sorry about yourself and even beating yourself up in public are ok... as a beginning. But this will NOT solve your issues. Real action in the real life will. Make a plan and stick to it. Something. Anything.

 

Gogogogo !

[candie13]

Candie, you make it sound sooo... romantic...

yeah, I sure sound single too !

[ZA Dater]

After reading this post, I think that's your issue. You don't know yourself and you seem to fear rejection from everyone, including your friends. Everyone fails, ZA. Everyone. It is human to fail. But it takes strength and intelligence to learn from it.

 

Talk to your friends. Open up about really sensitive issues. Everyone has them. We aaaaaallllll have really sensitive issues. But most of us talk about it. Try reading about some books on shame, that will completely change your perspective.

 

I think if you are determined to improve yourself and your life, you will be able to make it. MAybe you're shy - but you are here and you are talking about your issues, that's good. Just remember that real life happens beyond LS and there lies your answer. If you cannot liaise with people, start reading, to understand how to overcome your social hung ups.

 

As for sex and RS, where you are... there are no miracles possible, ZA. If you want a gf right now, that's maybe not gonna happen. If I want a bf right now, that's maybe not gonna happen either. It's not how real life works.

 

I realised the only way I will get laid is if I pay for it, that's reality unfortunately.

 

Friend I found have limited uses in respect of dating, my one friend encouraged me to chase this lady I like so much 'she is looking for a really nice guy", result she isn't interested in me.

 

Rinse and repeat what happened 4 years ago.

 

I fear rejection because that's all I have ever experienced, its easier to just not try when you know you are going to get rejected.

 

I only tried with the current one because she really wowed me and we have a lot in common thus I thought the odds were better for me not being rejected.

[candie13]

Candie, you make it sound sooo... romantic...

just an afterthought - I'm not one of those bitter "war of the sexes" adept. I actually am a romantic. I also acknowledge the need to test and understand the other sex's psychology, so that one doesn't slip away in the fantasy world completely.

[ZA Dater]

well... you're gonna hate reading this, but get less busy. Less projects and less work. Go out there and meet people. Talk to people. Work and projects are easy if you have the intellectual capacity for it. Meeting people and forming sound friendships is hard for those emotionally less evolved.

 

You're also an overthinker. Try mindful meditation for stop ruminating or at least have a better control over it.

 

You're not saying anything new to me. Now, IMHO, you need to make space for social interaction, however buys work may be and however you may hate social interaction. Identify things that you are passionate about and meet like-minded people - assuming that's not internet gaming, haha! I'd do yoga in the park, book clubs, debate meet ups, etc.

 

It's really stupid simple, but the more time you spend around people, the better you're going to get at interacting with them. And in a way, good / better social skills will for sure improve your changes of keeping a girl near you.

 

why don't you start a journal on LS and write about your actions in making your life more socially interactive and talking about your accomplishments or hung ups?

 

don't get me wrong, coming around here, talking about it, whining, feeling sorry about yourself and even beating yourself up in public are ok... as a beginning. But this will NOT solve your issues. Real action in the real life will. Make a plan and stick to it. Something. Anything.

 

Gogogogo !

 

I am involved in a social club, I spend quite a bit of time arranging events, writing articles and suchlike. I do see a friend of mine weekly so I do go out.

 

I used to wear my emotions on my sleeve but after being rejected 10 times I decided it was easier to just be cold and calculating than opening oneself up to a mountain of inevitable hurt from rejection.

 

With K I did wear my heart on my sleeve and look what happened, exactly the same thing. Nothing I ever try, do or say is EVER good enough. No matter what.

 

You can see my blog in my profile, it pretty much sums up my dating life.

 

Interacting isn't an issue, having to dumb my intellect down is an issue, I don't want to have to pretend to be more simple to talk to people. I have been on dates with people who are clueless about the world around them, I take an interest in the world around me. For example I am into American politics, world affairs, exotic destination. I can talk about pretty much anything, I read history and biographies, I speak well.

 

Then I go on a date and my date doesn't even know where Kansas is or about the bombing of Pearl Harbour or where Lichtenstein is. Add in someone who speaks poor English and honestly she could have 34DD and I wouldn't be interested.

 

People say that's trivial, to me it isn't, knowledge isn't trivial.

[candie13]

I realised the only way I will get laid is if I pay for it, that's reality unfortunately.

 

Friend I found have limited uses in respect of dating, my one friend encouraged me to chase this lady I like so much 'she is looking for a really nice guy", result she isn't interested in me.

 

Rinse and repeat what happened 4 years ago.

 

I fear rejection because that's all I have ever experienced, its easier to just not try when you know you are going to get rejected.

 

I only tried with the current one because she really wowed me and we have a lot in common thus I thought the odds were better for me not being rejected.

OP, you're missing the point. You may want a gf until you turn blue. Unless you work on your social skills and improving your empathy, you're not going to get much success - socially or emotionally.

 

You keep doing the same things you've always done yet keep expecting different results every time, and getting jaded when that doesn't happen.

 

Who's the fool, ZA?

 

Best of luck, cheers

[candie13]

I am involved in a social club, I spend quite a bit of time arranging events, writing articles and suchlike. I do see a friend of mine weekly so I do go out.

 

I used to wear my emotions on my sleeve but after being rejected 10 times I decided it was easier to just be cold and calculating than opening oneself up to a mountain of inevitable hurt from rejection.

 

With K I did wear my heart on my sleeve and look what happened, exactly the same thing. Nothing I ever try, do or say is EVER good enough. No matter what.

 

You can see my blog in my profile, it pretty much sums up my dating life.

 

Interacting isn't an issue, having to dumb my intellect down is an issue, I don't want to have to pretend to be more simple to talk to people. I have been on dates with people who are clueless about the world around them, I take an interest in the world around me. For example I am into American politics, world affairs, exotic destination. I can talk about pretty much anything, I read history and biographies, I speak well.

 

Then I go on a date and my date doesn't even know where Kansas is or about the bombing of Pearl Harbour or where Lichtenstein is. Add in someone who speaks poor English and honestly she could have 34DD and I wouldn't be interested.

 

People say that's trivial, to me it isn't, knowledge isn't trivial.

 

well, finally !!! finally, something from how you really feel.

 

So date up, man. Raise your standards when it comes to dating, I can assure you that there are some amazingly smart and interesting women out there who also get bored to death dating average Joe. I would die to have to date down or dumb down.

 

You seem intellectually fit. PERFECT. Use it to liaise to people also intellectually developed and work on your weakest link, which is your emotions. You need to work on your rejection issues, your perceived vulnerability and ideally nurture warm relationships with people around you.

 

not dry and intellectual. Warm. Empathic. I think you problem is that you are conscious of your self worth but your self confidence is really low. Self confidence is linked to integrating your flaws and imperfections along with your quality in one harmonious identity. I think you have few cues here to start doing some introspection.

 

Ever tried meditation or even hypnosis? It's really silly for overthinkers and overanalytical people, but what it does, it makes one be more in touch with our emotions, especially those we try to bottle down. And letting them go outside, become conscious of them help us to integrate them in our personality, for these are also part of ourselves... not the prettiest most attractive sides, but part of us, anyway...

[ZA Dater]

OP, you're missing the point. You may want a gf until you turn blue. Unless you work on your social skills and improving your empathy, you're not going to get much success - socially or emotionally.

 

You keep doing the same things you've always done yet keep expecting different results every time, and getting jaded when that doesn't happen.

 

Who's the fool, ZA?

 

Best of luck, cheers

 

Thanks.

 

Decided I am going to work more and try ignore what I don't have.

 

Having said all of that a friend is sending me for a makeover tomorrow, why I have no idea.

[candie13]

exciting . have fun !

[ZA Dater]

exciting . have fun !

 

I am going with an image consultant who happens to be a supermodel.

[candie13]

I am going with an image consultant who happens to be a supermodel.

 

I know these things can have amazing effects on people... but it's only the way you look. It's not changing the real real you. Your fears. Your wittiness.

 

I think it's a great ego boost to do this - I occasionally go shopping with my friends. I have no idea to which extent it may benefit you, though.

 

Just remember to still be yourself and reflect your personality through clothes, cuts and fabrics. All these being said, enjoy the experience and do not be afraid to step out of your comfort zone .

[ZA Dater]

I know these things can have amazing effects on people... but it's only the way you look. It's not changing the real real you. Your fears. Your wittiness.

 

I think it's a great ego boost to do this - I occasionally go shopping with my friends. I have no idea to which extent it may benefit you, though.

 

Just remember to still be yourself and reflect your personality through clothes, cuts and fabrics. All these being said, enjoy the experience and do not be afraid to step out of your comfort zone .

 

I am extremely socially awkward around this person, apparently she is also being asked to help me with self confidence.

 

Apprehensive best describes me.

[ZA Dater]

I know these things can have amazing effects on people... but it's only the way you look. It's not changing the real real you. Your fears. Your wittiness.

 

I think it's a great ego boost to do this - I occasionally go shopping with my friends. I have no idea to which extent it may benefit you, though.

 

Just remember to still be yourself and reflect your personality through clothes, cuts and fabrics. All these being said, enjoy the experience and do not be afraid to step out of your comfort zone .

 

Exactly the bold part is so important, its the personality which is my problem lol.

 

Now apparently she is going to introduce me to friends, she parties, I don't, enjoys clubs I don't. See as well meaning as my friend is none of those things are me, been there and didn't enjoy them, its a superficial world I have no interest in.

[candie13]

Exactly the bold part is so important, its the personality which is my problem lol.

 

Now apparently she is going to introduce me to friends, she parties, I don't, enjoys clubs I don't. See as well meaning as my friend is none of those things are me, been there and didn't enjoy them, its a superficial world I have no interest in.

your problem or your strength, depending on how you accept it / embrace it. MAybe you got lemons when it comes to personality. Try making some lemonade while you're at it... hey, maybe even add some vodka and make a cocktail and throw a party.

 

If you think your personality is a problem, guess what, it is. Work with it. Work at it. Work with what you've got. It's all you've got anyways.

 

I think it's always good to meet people. Give it a shot, have an experience, it may help you to unwind a little, who knows.

[candie13]

I am extremely socially awkward around this person, apparently she is also being asked to help me with self confidence.

 

Apprehensive best describes me.

It won't go away by itself, mate. Sorry. Looks like you need some help there by some people who know what they're doing, to help you work on your social awkwardness. You are a smart individual, I am sure it can work on you. Talk to this supermodel chick, maybe she knows people. Or search the net and get some coaching.

 

You're breaking out of your shell, that in itself is really good .

[ZA Dater]

I really just feel like someone's project now which isn't the best of feelings.

[candie13]

I really just feel like someone's project now which isn't the best of feelings.

You are your own project. Think healthy boundaries again. It is perfectly natural to fear the unknown . Just remember it's a learning experience which will only make you richer. You are exploring things about yourself. You can always say NO if too uncomfortable and you can always go back to your old self.

 

Amazing things usually happen outside your comfort zone.

[ZA Dater]

your problem or your strength, depending on how you accept it / embrace it. MAybe you got lemons when it comes to personality. Try making some lemonade while you're at it... hey, maybe even add some vodka and make a cocktail and throw a party.

 

If you think your personality is a problem, guess what, it is. Work with it. Work at it. Work with what you've got. It's all you've got anyways.

 

I think it's always good to meet people. Give it a shot, have an experience, it may help you to unwind a little, who knows.

 

One thing I do know, its my capacity to care which is why I get so hurt when I am rejected time and time again. People who know me well know I am selfless in the sense they ask for help I will always help.

 

Tough dating times were usually tempered by my ability to pour energy into helping others in whatever way I could at the time.

 

I have developed a sense of what I can and what I cant get in terms of dates, this is not negative but rather being realistic because at the end of the day its easier to date someone where you don't face huge competition for whatever reason.

 

There is usually less competition for the intellectual lady than there is for the super hot party lady.

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I'd be better off finding other things in life than going after dating, dating has become nothing more than a bucket list item for me. Taking K to an event last year, bucket list item, always wanted to take someone to a formal event.

 

I don't believe one can magically change who one is, you can change clothes but who you are is who you are yes maybe I could project who I am better but its hardly been worth it based on past experience.

 

The very last thing I want is the following scenario

 

"Oh lets invite ZA Dater because we feel sorry for him, he has no friends"

 

I started to pick that vibe up recently with one particular friend and the same one who has arranged this "make over".

[joseb]

just an afterthought - I'm not one of those bitter "war of the sexes" adept. I actually am a romantic. I also acknowledge the need to test and understand the other sex's psychology, so that one doesn't slip away in the fantasy world completely.

 

No i know you arent, i was just poking fun at the wording. I agree with the sentiment.

[candie13]

One thing I do know, its my capacity to care which is why I get so hurt when I am rejected time and time again. People who know me well know I am selfless in the sense they ask for help I will always help.

Careful, a balanced healthy RS even between friends is never one sided.

 

Tough dating times were usually tempered by my ability to pour energy into helping others in whatever way I could at the time.

So ... why you "help" your dates? Aren't they capable individuals able to fend for themselves? Or you're voluntarily dating down? Again, a healthy individual, a normal woman needs no help to get on by . Maybe you're overcompensating by choosing women whom you consider underneath you and they end up rejecting you... just remember, you've judged them first. So date more interesting smarter prettier women. Give it a try. I think a smart lady will be able to appreciate you and your qualities more.

 

I have developed a sense of what I can and what I cant get in terms of dates, this is not negative but rather being realistic because at the end of the day its easier to date someone where you don't face huge competition for whatever reason.

And now you're dating down. How do you know if it's easier or harder, if you've never tried? What are you comparing yourself against? Put yourself out there and let her judge rather than making a crappy selection yourself . Maybe you're self limiting yourself, I dunno. I for sure see that you are a bit of a misogynist because you don't believe a pretty girl can also have brains. And if she has brains, she can make a fair selection herself. Basically, you're not only judging the others, you're also judging yourself really harshly.

 

There is usually less competition for the intellectual lady than there is for the super hot party lady.

Imagine if the superhot lady is actually an intellectual !

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I'd be better off finding other things in life than going after dating, dating has become nothing more than a bucket list item for me. Taking K to an event last year, bucket list item, always wanted to take someone to a formal event.

I agree to that. It is not dating, it is dating a certain woman. Same thing with RS - it's not being in a RS, it's being in a RS with a certain person. Make it personal. Make it about the other person. I think you've completely deformed dating, inside your head, it took this huge incomprehensible dimensions, where it's actually something really easy. Natural. Grabbing a beer with a mate. Grabbing a beer with a girl. HAving a few laughs. HAving a good time. Repeat if pleasant experience. Really...

 

I don't believe one can magically change who one is, you can change clothes but who you are is who you are yes maybe I could project who I am better but its hardly been worth it based on past experience.

You can improve yourself tremendously. And yeah, I confirm, a new pair of jeans and a new jacket won't do the magic trick for it. But incredible transformations exist - when it comes to you looks as well as to your personality. But you have to really really want it and be ready to work for it.

 

The very last thing I want is the following scenario

 

"Oh lets invite ZA Dater because we feel sorry for him, he has no friends"

 

I started to pick that vibe up recently with one particular friend and the same one who has arranged this "make over".

You know what? You're thinking too much. Who cares ? When I'm down, I'm taking all help I can get my hands on. That's what friends are there for. Stop judging yourself and judging them and simply accept a helping hand. It's not like you have a million offers, either...

[ZA Dater]

Careful, a balanced healthy RS even between friends is never one sided.

 

 

So ... why you "help" your dates? Aren't they capable individuals able to fend for themselves? Or you're voluntarily dating down? Again, a healthy individual, a normal woman needs no help to get on by . Maybe you're overcompensating by choosing women whom you consider underneath you and they end up rejecting you... just remember, you've judged them first. So date more interesting smarter prettier women. Give it a try. I think a smart lady will be able to appreciate you and your qualities more.

 

 

And now you're dating down. How do you know if it's easier or harder, if you've never tried? What are you comparing yourself against? Put yourself out there and let her judge rather than making a crappy selection yourself . Maybe you're self limiting yourself, I dunno. I for sure see that you are a bit of a misogynist because you don't believe a pretty girl can also have brains. And if she has brains, she can make a fair selection herself. Basically, you're not only judging the others, you're also judging yourself really harshly.

 

Imagine if the superhot lady is actually an intellectual !

 

 

I agree to that. It is not dating, it is dating a certain woman. Same thing with RS - it's not being in a RS, it's being in a RS with a certain person. Make it personal. Make it about the other person. I think you've completely deformed dating, inside your head, it took this huge incomprehensible dimensions, where it's actually something really easy. Natural. Grabbing a beer with a mate. Grabbing a beer with a girl. HAving a few laughs. HAving a good time. Repeat if pleasant experience. Really...

 

 

You can improve yourself tremendously. And yeah, I confirm, a new pair of jeans and a new jacket won't do the magic trick for it. But incredible transformations exist - when it comes to you looks as well as to your personality. But you have to really really want it and be ready to work for it.

 

 

You know what? You're thinking too much. Who cares ? When I'm down, I'm taking all help I can get my hands on. That's what friends are there for. Stop judging yourself and judging them and simply accept a helping hand. It's not like you have a million offers, either...

 

Id rather stay as I am than have the pity of friends.

 

I never ask for help from friends, what I cant fix myself I forget about and find something else to work on.

 

I am glad you think its easy to date, I cant even get into a friend zone with people I do have something in common with. The things I enjoy most in life are not dependant on other people, I can do them on my own and enjoy them.

 

Honestly super hot doesn't interest me that much, personality and compatible lifestyle matter more to me.

 

The latter being important, clubs, bars etc DO NOT interest me at all and I don't go to them because of that. Really not prepared to compromise on that point at all.

 

I didn't mean help me dates, I meant help my friends, help that homeless guy, donate to that charity, that's what I meant by help.

 

Perhaps I guess what I like most of all in life is: a challenge, the more difficult the better.

[candie13]

I never ask for help from friends, what I cant fix myself I forget about and find something else to work on.

having a friend help you out or even talk to a friend when you're feeling ****ty will make you feel much closer to that friend. It's not even about help, it's about allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of a trusted person. It helps a lot bonding.

 

I am glad you think its easy to date, I cant even get into a friend zone with people I do have something in common with. The things I enjoy most in life are not dependant on other people, I can do them on my own and enjoy them

After a brutal break up, I had became very self conscious and it was impossible for me to relax during a date. I understand that. Now... I stop projecting my expectations onto them. I think I am a much better friend than a date, because I still occasionally become stiff or put the barriers up. Part of the learning process. I try to open up and crack a joke... it's not easy. I'm pretty. A lot of men on OLD try to bed me the minute they lay eyes on me. Their bad. I also prefer fantastic conversation skills to formidable torso or biceps, haha.

 

Honestly super hot doesn't interest me that much, personality and compatible lifestyle matter more to me.

And you're crossing out the chicks who happen to have the looks because of your preconceived notions that you have on them. Story of my life .

 

The latter being important, clubs, bars etc DO NOT interest me at all and I don't go to them because of that. Really not prepared to compromise on that point at all.

Fair enough. I'm willing to try anything once, personally. I am having occasionally fun in clubs once in a while. It's not a lifestyle, I do understand people who loath clubs. I think bars are cool though.

 

I didn't mean help me dates, I meant help my friends, help that homeless guy, donate to that charity, that's what I meant by help.

Charity is not help.

 

Perhaps I guess what I like most of all in life is: a challenge, the more difficult the better.

I actually like it if it's less challenging, once in a while . I think it's only difficult if I make it difficult.

[losangelena]

Op, you say you'll do anything to help your friends, but when they turn around and try to help you, suddenly it's "pity." That sounds very prideful, and that I assure you is getting in your way.

 

Look, everyone needs help from time to time. Entire industries are built around doing things for others they can't do themselves: personal trainers, stylists, even psychotherapists. There's no shame in saying, I'm having a hard time figuring this out, help me.

 

Instead of saying, "I find dating to be overly difficult, maybe there's a better way of approaching it," you see your hard time and interpret it as there's something WRONG with you. Untrue. And also a cop out. Isn't it so much easier to just say, "Im defective, I can't do this, I'm not gonna try anymore," than to seek help, seek improvement (yes, even professionally)?

 

You have a lot to offer: you're helpful to friends, you're a facilitator, you have a sharp intellect. Those are just some strengths. You're not defective. But you do need to let go of your pride and see that your friends' help isn't pity, it's not charity. LET them be kind to you—accept their kindness.

[ZA Dater]

Op, you say you'll do anything to help your friends, but when they turn around and try to help you, suddenly it's "pity." That sounds very prideful, and that I assure you is getting in your way.

 

Look, everyone needs help from time to time. Entire industries are built around doing things for others they can't do themselves: personal trainers, stylists, even psychotherapists. There's no shame in saying, I'm having a hard time figuring this out, help me.

 

Instead of saying, "I find dating to be overly difficult, maybe there's a better way of approaching it," you see your hard time and interpret it as there's something WRONG with you. Untrue. And also a cop out. Isn't it so much easier to just say, "Im defective, I can't do this, I'm not gonna try anymore," than to seek help, seek improvement (yes, even professionally)?

 

You have a lot to offer: you're helpful to friends, you're a facilitator, you have a sharp intellect. Those are just some strengths. You're not defective. But you do need to let go of your pride and see that your friends' help isn't pity, it's not charity. LET them be kind to you—accept their kindness.

 

Probably because I prefer to give than take.