complex breakup-really want to get my ex back

[Henke]

Hi all

I have a complex situation after a break up and i could use some advise because I really want my gf back.

 

 

Short story: i have had a stressful year because i needed to pass all of my exams. Because of the stress I kind of ''forgot'' to love my gf. I know how it sounds, but if you are really stressed much, love doesnt come on the first place.

 

 

Continuing longer story: I have not noticed at all that I was that stressed and only busy with learning for the exams (studying medicine takes quite some time sometimes). My gf noticed it though, but did not say so. She only asked: is everything OK? Well yes everything was because I did not notice i was being ''someone else''. I did not care too much to go with her to birthdays, competitions etc. I was not the happy guy making jokes the whole day and laughing, it felt more as it was war: my study, which I loved, against me. I HAD to pass the exams. I did not look happy at all and the funny guy was completely gone.

Well you understand my gf (ex-gf) broke up, i would have done the same now, now I know all this and how i have been. But I did not know it at all. She gave me no second chance to work on myself, it was completely over, no rescue possible. Which I understand -now- too since I have been a jerk for almost 9 months! Before that (we had a relationship for 2 years) all was great. I have not been much romantic, didnt tell her any often how I loved her (which i did!) and while i did buy many presents for here, i have not given many of them. Completely forgot to give them.

 

 

Now the thing.

''of course'' I want her back; but i think she doesnt want me back because she thinks I am a jerk. Well, was, but she doesnt know because I have no chance to tell her. I have tried few times to speak with her, but she keeps responding very shortly. Most important is: now I know what was going on with me, and she opened my eyes, I feel so much better! I am the real myself again like I was a year ago. I am not a jerk or a stressful type. I have become the person I have been before I started to stress the hell out of myself. Now Im fine really!

I have several obstacles to cross (I have kind off planned how to get it right again). First I need to contact her a little without too hard feelings from both sides. When that feels right, we could try to speak to each other f2f and I can explain how much she opened my eyes and thank her for I now feel so excellent again … and letting her seeing that! Telling is not enough, but she could see it.

after that we might BOTH need time for ourselves. Weeks? Months? Well after that we could eventually start to date etc. etc. and see how far we can come. Thats the theory.

 

 

But now. We had a little chat (4 weeks after break up and almost 0 contact) few days ago and I asked her about her holiday and a competition she had been to. I really tried to let her see i was interested in that, because her competitions are her life (her sport is) (and i have not shown too much interest in that last 9 months). She told she could tell me about the holiday some time and I responded (d'oh!!!!!!!): well, I have to tell you too something (what I wanted to tell, about how I feel now and how she made me feel better), but I want to say that to you f2f, do we have a deal? You telling about your holiday and me telling my secret?

 

 

Heard nothing since. I can be so stupid. I should have tried to create a safe chat environment but I totally ruined it.

 

 

What to do now?

 

 

Thanks for reading.

And yes, of course the whole story is much longer, but I dont think that is of any help.

[d0nnivain]

Yes medicine is a demanding field but that doesn't excuse you from having your priorities in order. It doesn't take a lot of time out of your day to wish somebody a happy birthday. You say you "forgot" to give her the many gifts you bought? That's ridiculous. You simply didn't care enough to remember.

 

 

Unless you are prepared to stop being so self centered, what's the point in trying to win her back? Why should she want to come back so you can ignore her again?

 

 

Your studies will get tougher & the hours longer before it gets better.

 

 

You took her for granted & she got fed up. Nothing about your post indicates to me that you have changed. She may not believe you either.

[Henke]

Yes medicine is a demanding field but that doesn't excuse you from having your priorities in order. It doesn't take a lot of time out of your day to wish somebody a happy birthday. You say you "forgot" to give her the many gifts you bought? That's ridiculous. You simply didn't care enough to remember.

 

 

Unless you are prepared to stop being so self centered, what's the point in trying to win her back? Why should she want to come back so you can ignore her again?

 

 

Your studies will get tougher & the hours longer before it gets better.

 

 

You took her for granted & she got fed up. Nothing about your post indicates to me that you have changed. She may not believe you either.

 

 

Hi, thanks for your response.

 

I might need to explain something more. You are right I should have had my priorities else, and the presents... well, its not that I have many presents (3, though it is many to keep and not give), but I usually thought of them when she was already here and I had not wrapped up it nice or when I was just on my way to her.

 

Point is: I dont think I am going to ignore her anymore, I did not too, just gave to less attention. My exams which I had to pass are all passed now and I really feel much better, other friend too notice that I have changed last few weeks.

[Satu]

You should just accept that it's over.

 

If she wants to talk with you she'll get in touch.

 

The fact that you were emotionally unavailable and expressing so little interest in her for so long, means that she just sees you as the person who treated her that way.

 

The way you were at the beginning of the relationship, and the way you might be in the future, will carry no weight for her.

 

She wants to move on.

[Henke]

You should just accept that it's over.

 

If she wants to talk with you she'll get in touch.

 

The fact that you were emotionally unavailable and expressing so little interest in her for so long, means that she just sees you as the person who treated her that way.

 

The way you were at the beginning of the relationship, and the way you might be in the future, will carry no weight for her.

 

She wants to move on.

 

I completely understand, I would have done the same!

 

But how could I break that thought and let her see I am really changed now she let me see how I was, and the stressful period is over.

[Henke]

Is there any way to get in contact with her? I really have to apologize, and thank her for letting me see what I did wrong because I feel so much better now. Ive totally become someone different.

 

 

 

Because of my bad English Im not good enough at expressing precisely what I mean, for instance, the ''forget'' in the first sentence is not meant as forgetting at all.

I just had too little time to give her all of my time because my study was top priority.

[d0nnivain]

You could try sending her flowers with an apology.

[Henke]

You could try sending her flowers with an apology.

 

Is a letter OK too? She lives with her parents still so sending flowers is maybe not a good idea...

[Simon Phoenix]

I completely understand, I would have done the same!

 

But how could I break that thought and let her see I am really changed now she let me see how I was, and the stressful period is over.

 

But you haven't changed. It's been a month. Real change takes more than a month. If you are really looking to change, then leave her be and actually take steps to change. Therefore if she comes sniffing around she might like what she sees. But right now it seems like a bunch of crap to her -- you saying you are going to "change" is just a ploy to get her back to where she was before and then you'd do what you want.

 

I'm sorry, you didn't forget to "love" your girlfriend. You loved her in the way you wanted to love her and I guarantee that once you feel comfortable again, you'll go right back to that behavior. She knows it, which is why she doesn't want to be with you.

[kendahke]

Are you done with taking exams? That is the biggest obstacle that needs to be vanquished before you go talk to her. If you still have exams to take, then there is no point in going to her for anything because you will revert to being who you have to be to get through your exams.

 

If you are done, then I would say to talk to her face to face. This is not the conversation to have over texts or phone calls. She will either say "yes" or she will say "no"--either way, you'll have your answer and can move forward.

[quattrob]

Based on your posts TC.. you seem really desperate and you want to do things at your pace and you want to fix everything to your liking. This isn't just about you. You had your chance before but you were too stressed out etc whatever your excuses are to realize it. It's out of your control now, you can't DO anything but let her be for now. Stop trying to plan things to "win" her back or to apologize or to show how you've changed. And you say you've changed but I'm pretty sure you haven't, you may have realized how unloving and uncaring to her now but you have not changed. You need time to truly change, change doesn't just happen overnight or when you say you want to. It takes time and effort.

 

 

Focus on yourself for now and if she looks for you then take it easy but do not initiate contact with her.

Edited August 19, 2015 by quattrob

[NopeNah]

Focus on yourself for now and if she looks for you then take it easy but do not initiate contact with her.

 

Yes! Do nothing,seriously! Continue your studies and live your life as a young adult. If she comes back,look at it and decide..If she doesn't..Do you.

 

This isn't medicine/science. Honestly...it's just feelings. Feelings fade,go away,whatever..focus on yourself. This is an important time in your life! Live it!

[Satu]

I completely understand, I would have done the same!

 

But how could I break that thought and let her see I am really changed now she let me see how I was, and the stressful period is over.

 

You can't make somebody think the thoughts you want them to think, or feel the feelings you want them to feel.