HurtOfGlass Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Ok, so I am getting married in October. Its an arranged marriage. Fiance and I both have admitted to our past relationships and why we broke up. I was in two past relationships and she in three. While I have admitted to both of my past relationships reaching the physical point, my fiance say hers were not. She did not consummated any relationship. I asked why. She said she did not feel right with those guys. It seems my relationships being physical is not a problem to her. She isn't jealous. She doesn't ask much questions about them. It looks like from whatever info I have given her, she is satisfied with them. And I have also told her that I have no problem with her not being virgin (I told her matter-of-factly). Is she not assured by what I am saying about her virginity not being important to me? I mean my past GFs had sex with me. So is it possible that my now fiancee had 3 relationships but did not have sex with any of them? It looks a but surprising in this day and age. People here who read this might start thinking I am obsessing about her sexual past. But I am not. I know having sex before marriage does not make a bad marriage partner. But I have a problem with being lied to. If I somehow find out she lied to me about this in the future, then I don't know if I will feel for her the same the way I am feeling now. I have my own skeletons which I have not revealed to her (and one of those I definitely should). So on future discovery I am not going to leave her when I am guilty of the same lying by omission. But it still bothers me somewhat that she isn't really telling me the truth about her sexual past. I know she is not cheating on me. So on future discovery on her sexual past I will not be bothered by it because it happened before she met me. But is there any way to let her understand that I will not be breaking our marriage if she had slept with her past boyfriends? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) I can't say that I understand arranged marriages. But can you get out of it? If you can't it doesn't really make much difference. At this point she may not trust you enough with the truth. She may believe that if she's not a virgin you will shame her. Do tell her what you told us. It's about the lying not the sex but if your families are the ones sticking you together, I don't see where it's something that can change. Edited August 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) At this point she may not trust you enough with the truth. She may believe that if she's not a virgin you will shame her or kill her. To my western understanding, countries where arranged marriages happen also believe in honor killing. Your comments are outrageously racist. You have no clue. I can write the biases about the western cultures and how their "moral are loose" but I won't because I don't stoop to post clueless comments regarding cultural practices. Thank you for commenting. Edited August 19, 2015 by HurtOfGlass 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's very possible that she is actually telling the truth. Seems unlikely that she would listen to you admitting fully to your sexual past while hiding her own, especially if you said it in such a way that was reassuring to her. Maybe because you are obviously of some particular faith she really didn't feel comfortable doing that with men she wasn't betrothed to. IF she has lied about going all the way, then it may be because some men judge women on their virtue while ignoring the fact they have done the same, I'm not saying this is you, but it might make her nervous to wonder if you would think that way. Honesty is always best, so if you have other things to tell her, then tell her, and reassure her again that if there is anything she has held back from you would never judge her or think differently of her and you think 100% honesty is the best way to start a marriage. Don't hound her about it though, or continue asking over and over again just because you find it hard to believe. She very well may be telling the truth and it would be hurtful to her to feel her new husband doesn't believe her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Your comments are outrageously racist. You have no clue. I can write the biases about the western cultures and how their "moral are loose" but I won't because I don't stoop to post clueless comments regarding cultural practices. Thank you for commenting. I didn't mean to be that offensive & I'm sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 I am not hounding her. It was just one conversation. It started something like this- "At what age did you lose you virginity?" "I am still a virgin!" (Remember that she already know that I am not a virgin at this point) "You virgin? But you said you were in relationships" "Relationships doesn't only mean sex. I didn't sleep with them." "Seriously? I am surprised. What stopped you?" "Those guys were just crushes during college days. Nothing serious. I didn't wanted to take such a huge step with them" "Wow" Then there were no further discussions about this. But since then I have been thinking, is she really telling the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Sounds like she was being pretty honest to me, mate. Especially the fact she was so emphatic with the 'I am still a virgin!' .. I wouldn't worry about it.. Try not to obsess over it because your imagination invents scenarios that will eat away at you, despite the fact it's likely they never happened. Enjoy getting to know her and go into your marriage feeling positive, and don't let these thoughts dwell in your mind, she's going to be your wife, trust and believe in her. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) Your comments are outrageously racist. You have no clue. I can write the biases about the western cultures and how their "moral are loose" but I won't because I don't stoop to post clueless comments regarding cultural practices. Thank you for commenting. Speaking of the possibility of fear of an "honor killing" or even a beating isn't being racist. I live near one of the largest Muslim communities outside of the mid east and we've actually had a few "honor killings". Frankly, I think that those who live in the West might be a bit overzealous in trying to prove to themselves and their community that they haven't "gone native" and go overboard. Then there are those who are mentally ill or who have been taught violence is ok since birth, so they commit crimes that horrify most people...including those from their own faith and/or culture. I am not hounding her. It was just one conversation. It started something like this- "At what age did you lose you virginity?" "I am still a virgin!" (Remember that she already know that I am not a virgin at this point) "You virgin? But you said you were in relationships" "Relationships doesn't only mean sex. I didn't sleep with them." "Seriously? I am surprised. What stopped you?" "Those guys were just crushes during college days. Nothing serious. I didn't wanted to take such a huge step with them" "Wow" Then there were no further discussions about this. But since then I have been thinking, is she really telling the truth? For some women, losing their virginity is a very big deal. STI's are a real thing. So is pregnancy. And, frankly, in a casual relationship the woman usually ends up solely responsible and alone in the case of an accidental pregnancy. It's her that has to decide to abort,place for adoption, or raise the baby and live with the consequences of the decision. Not to mention that women tend to want an emotional connection with depth and to feel truly in love before they take that step. So, yes, it's entirely possible she is telling the truth and never slept with any of the men she dated casually during college. Especially if she was a diligent student and/or was seeking a demanding degree. Who'd have the time?? Just make sure she has time to get to know you and learn to trust you. Then, during that time, make sure she knows that you do not hold with a double standard and that it's really, truly, not a problem if she did have premarital sex. When I was working, I met two women who were in arranged marriages. One was training to work with me because she wanted a job so that she could divorce. She was very unhappy. The other woman was actually very happy in her arranged marriage and seemed to love and be loved by her husband. Please keep us updated. I hope it works out for you and her and that you'll be happy together. Edited August 19, 2015 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If you are on an honesty drive here, are you going to get round to telling her about your prostitute visits #3 and your fascination with them? #1 , #21 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Speaking of the possibility of fear of an "honor killing" or even a beating isn't being racist. I live near one of the largest Muslim communities outside of the mid east and we've actually had a few "honor killings". Frankly, I think that those who live in the West might be a bit overzealous in trying to prove to themselves and their community that they haven't "gone native" and go overboard. Then there are those who are mentally ill or who have been taught violence is ok since birth, so they commit crimes that horrify most people...including those from their own faith and/or culture. Is this a thread about honour killing? I don't think so. If you want to discuss how superior American and European culture is compared to the primitive Eastern cultures and how they kill and torture women then create your own thread Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 If you are on an honesty drive here, are you going to get round to telling her about your prostitute visits #3 and your fascination with them? #1 , #21 You misunderstand me. I have told her at the very first that I was not a virgin and I don't expect a virgin bride. I was clear there. So even if I find out she is not virgin is not going to change anything. But what bothers me that 3 relationships and she claims to be virgin. So do you think coming out with the truth about prostitutes will also prompt her to tell the truth? I have to agree with Kagan. She was emphatic that she is a virgin. I should believe her. She is with me now and as long as she is not cheating her past sexuality shouldn't bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) Well, I think for many of us, the idea of an arranged marriage is so foreign, its hard to give advice. I can't really empathize, or begin to imagine what is going through both of your minds. Dedicating yourself, FOREVER to a practical stranger! I just can't imagine! So, you are going to have a big issue if she is lying to you. But you admit that you are lying through omission to her. Maybe she is lying, maybe she is uncomfortable talking about these things with someone that she hardly knows. Are YOU going to tell her about the prostitutes, and the horrendous ways you have treated women? Does she have the right to be just as outraged by your lying? Telling the whole truth usually comes when you can TRUST someone. And for me at least, trust is EARNED. Its something that is developed. I can't imagine trusting someone who I just met enough to reveal all of my "skeletons". And do you not trust her enough to tell everything? Why not? Maybe you SHOULD before she decides to marry you? You said that you won't leave her due to lying - because you have lied. What if she HASN'T lied - yet it is YOU who have lied due to omission? Would she then have the right to leave YOU? I can't imagine agreeing to be bound to someone forever with so little info, and starting with lies. Edited to add- and I am not trying to judge from a cultural perspective, but the dynamic between you two. I know that on a whole- arranged marriages have a better track record when it comes to reported happiness etc. They CAN work. But like any relationship, I bet they work based on respect and honesty. Edited August 19, 2015 by RecentChange 3 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Well, since you're primarily worried about honesty, get off this, wait to asses her character through other means. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 She sounds like she's been honest with you. I have been in relationships also that didn't involve sex. Especially when I was younger. If this is an arranged marriage she already knows you are going to marry her no matter what so why would she lie? Why don't you trust the woman who is going to be your wife? Why don't you ask the people who arranged your marriage about this situation and whether they think she is lying or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Why don't you ask the people who arranged your marriage about this situation and whether they think she is lying or not? Do you even think what you write for once? What you are asking me to do is go to her parents and ask them whether their daughter is virgin. Did you do dis yourself? I mean, ask parents of your wife/girlfriend that whether she was a virgin or how many guys she slept with? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Now hurt- while I can understand your offense to the c Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I don’t understand why you doubt her. You said she’s emphatic. Her description of her dating history doesn’t sound unbelievable to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 I don’t understand why you doubt her. Let me elaborate. One evening we were in the movie theatre. It was dark. We had the corner seats. The movie starts and half and hour has passed. Till now we were only holding hands. But suddenly I feel she is biting my earlobes. I won't go into any further details. I mean she was initiating physical affections with me. So this proves that she is quite kinky. But then she claims nothing happened with her previous boyfriends. I find this very hard to believe by what I am "seeing" how she acts and what she "tells" me had happened. This contradiction is confusing me on whether she is telling the truth about not being physical with her past boyfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Do you even think what you write for once? What you are asking me to do is go to her parents and ask them whether their daughter is virgin. Did you do dis yourself? I mean, ask parents of your wife/girlfriend that whether she was a virgin or how many guys she slept with? Look, I know nothing about your culture. First I am a woman and have never asked another woman for her hand in marriage. Second, it makes sense to me that if you are in an arranged marriage you would be provided some information about your future wife. Since you don't believe your fiances answer what other choice do you have? Also you've been quite hateful here to responses people have given you. We don't know or understand your culture and are just trying to help! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I wouldn't go so far as to say that that "proves" she's "kinky." But, maybe. I can see what you're saying. Get physical, consummated and physical affections are vague but virginity, ie whether she has had sexual intercourse with anyone, is clear. She might be a virgin while still having been physically affectionate or even kinky in the past. Don’t think in black and white. But frankly, I’d say don’t think of it at all. Pressing each other for details about what you have each done with your past BFs and GFs is pointless and likely to end up in hurt or anxiety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 But suddenly I feel she is biting my earlobes. I won't go into any further details. I mean she was initiating physical affections with me. So this proves that she is quite kinky. With all due respect, earlobe nibbling is far from an indicator of a willingness or history of being kinky... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hateful, no. Its actually common decency, valid for every culture. You don't ask parents about their son's or daughter's sexual past whether its arranged or own choice marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 What if she HASN'T lied - yet it is YOU who have lied due to omission? Would she then have the right to leave YOU? If she finds out (and there is a high probability she might), I will only hope that she has the compassion to forgive me for the things I have done in my past. I hope she would consider how I have been with her and not seek a divorce, but to accept me with my past, knowing that I would not repeat my mistakes in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
CollegeKid101 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Have sex with her, if you pop her cherry then there you go. If it slides in normally, then there you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 Have sex with her, if you pop her cherry then there you go. If it slides in normally, then there you go. LOL Old way is always better isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
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