Is fiance not admitting to her sexual past?

[Sweet Workaholic]

You misunderstand me. I have told her at the very first that I was not a virgin and I don't expect a virgin bride. I was clear there. So even if I find out she is not virgin is not going to change anything. But what bothers me that 3 relationships and she claims to be virgin. So do you think coming out with the truth about prostitutes will also prompt her to tell the truth?

 

I have to agree with Kagan. She was emphatic that she is a virgin. I should believe her. She is with me now and as long as she is not cheating her past sexuality shouldn't bother me.

 

For some women (and some men) in *any* culture, virginity is a special issue and acknowledging sexual activity is a big issue.

 

If I were with a woman who was honest in every other respect and fibbed (aka lied) about this one issue, I'd respect her need to keep it to herself.

 

I'll probably get flamed for deviating from 'all honesty all the time' but it's ok

 

I think there needs to be fundamental honesty but imho fundamental honesty sometimes means understanding that there are some things that my partner may not be able to put in words

 

All that aside, from your story I expect she's being honest.

 

My suggestion is that (as long as she's 100% with you going forward) that if you ever find out she misrepresented the past you pretend not to notice. What's the value? Worry about the future.

[elaine567]

If she finds out (and there is a high probability she might), I will only hope that she has the compassion to forgive me for the things I have done in my past. I hope she would consider how I have been with her and not seek a divorce, but to accept me with my past, knowing that I would not repeat my mistakes in the future.

 

Seems to me you are tricking this girl into marriage with you, and I agree there is a high probability she finds out, your family are aware and so is your ex.

Living with an angry, resentful wife and in laws who will feel deceived and manipulated by you and your family, will be no fun for you, I guess.

[kgcolonel]

Heart of Glass

 

 

When I was much younger, I too questioned my prior fiancés virginity (we ended up breaking up twice before calling it off for good). Looking back, this was a very insignificant component to that relationship. I am seeing a few speed bumps that are being built that will negatively impact your relationship going forward that if it were me, I would really want to avoid.

 

 

1. Having my SO begin to flirt with me i.e. biting my earlobe in a movie, how hot is that???? This is exactly what I believe you'll want ongoing to keep your relationship alive and steamy, but by having doubts as to where it comes from, you're not able to enjoy the "in the moment" courage she has and you will kill this awesome effort on your SOs part.

 

 

2. Let the virginity and doubt issue go, this is clouding your mind and will stay with you, creating continuous doubt and distractions from making this the best marriage ever! My wife was not a virgin and she even dated a good friend of mine before we got together. My approach was to enjoy everything she experienced and learned prior to meeting me and using it to build a great marriage. (we have been married for 32 years, no infidelity and a relatively liberal attitude about monogamous sex and non-judgement).

 

 

Just a thought from an older and maybe more experienced guy looking to help younger folks enhance and start their marriages / relationships on a great path.

[anna121]

Look, I know nothing about your culture. First I am a woman and have never asked another woman for her hand in marriage. Second, it makes sense to me that if you are in an arranged marriage you would be provided some information about your future wife. Since you don't believe your fiances answer what other choice do you have?

 

Also you've been quite hateful here to responses people have given you. We don't know or understand your culture and are just trying to help!

 

I wouldn't characterize it as hateful. I would characterize it as extremely exasperated with sheer ignorance displayed in some of the posts.

 

Fact: not all "arranged" marriages involve "strangers", being forced to do so, or a risk of "honour killing".

 

Arranged marriages can be freely consented to by people who were born in the US/Canada and are, for all intents and purposes, "westernized."

 

FTR: I am from a culture that still arranges marriages. I did not have one, and am married to a white guy.

[HurtOfGlass]

I am seeing a few speed bumps that are being built that will negatively impact your relationship going forward that if it were me, I would really want to avoid.

 

 

1. Having my SO begin to flirt with me i.e. biting my earlobe in a movie, how hot is that???? This is exactly what I believe you'll want ongoing to keep your relationship alive and steamy, but by having doubts as to where it comes from, you're not able to enjoy the "in the moment" courage she has and you will kill this awesome effort on your SOs part.

 

You are right. What she did was really making me feel wanted and naughty I think this doubt comes from getting lied to and cheated in past relationship. I have developed trouble at believing people as to what they are saying. I have to deal with this.

 

I need her to be like this. But if I keep my doubts, soon she will sense it and will be hurt. I should enjoy with her what is happening in the present.

 

 

2. Let the virginity and doubt issue go, this is clouding your mind and will stay with you, creating continuous doubt and distractions from making this the best marriage ever! My wife was not a virgin and she even dated a good friend of mine before we got together. My approach was to enjoy everything she experienced and learned prior to meeting me and using it to build a great marriage. (we have been married for 32 years, no infidelity and a relatively liberal attitude about monogamous sex and non-judgement).

 

I hope my marriage turns out to as happy and fulfilling as yours. Thank you for sharing.

[HurtOfGlass]

Seems to me you are tricking this girl into marriage with you

 

What do you propose I do? Break up the marriage?

[CarrieT]

What do you propose I do? Break up the marriage?

 

I believe you should be completely honest and open about your past immediately and give her the option to know the kind of guy she is engaged to.

 

You said:

If she finds out (and there is a high probability she might), I will only hope that she has the compassion to forgive me for the things I have done in my past. I hope she would consider how I have been with her and not seek a divorce, but to accept me with my past, knowing that I would not repeat my mistakes in the future.

Shouldn't she be told these things BEFORE the marriage?

 

By not telling her - yes - I believe you are tricking her into a marriage that is being based on deception. She is less likely to forgive after the marriage has occurred. At least I would feel deceived and would question my spouse's ability to not repeat mistakes in the future if he couldn't 'fess up to them beforehand.

[PogoStick]

From everything we know of her, she is honest, a virgin (assuming that's a positive for you), yet fun and sexual. Sounds like a great girl, and she has done nothing wrong.

 

On the other side, you are a hypocrite, dishonest, not a virgin, and used prostitutes. Let's admit, it's not really about her, but about the darkness you feel inside yourself.

 

Tell her soon, long before the marriage, or you become an even bigger jerk.

 

Why did you even create a thread about her? Better to start a thread about how you can become a better man.

[HurtOfGlass]

I believe you should be completely honest and open about your past immediately and give her the option to know the kind of guy she is engaged to.

 

Why should I mention the 22 prostitute visits that I made before I met her? I mean when people meet is it truly necessary to reveal what happened in their past before they met. Just like somebody could have cheated on their past relationship, was addicted to drug or alcohol, had arrest history, etc. But if they had rectified themselves and is not doing such activity presently, why is it the past faults so necessary to mention?

 

But I agree that I definitely should tell her the 23rd visit (I only watched dance, didn't have sex) because during that time I was already engaged to her. But since then I haven't gone there. She still needs to know this. I am gathering up the courage to tell her.

[CarrieT]

Because those of us that have been around this place for a while understand that a guy who has visited 22 prostitutes has a proclivity towards a style of sex - and intimacy - that is not immediately rectified by an engagement or marriage.

 

In short, HoG, I believe at some point in your future, you will feel the desire to repeat those types of acts. Your wife will not satisfy you, the desire for something forbidden will overwhelm you, or the temptation will be too unyielding.

 

How did you "rectify" whatever was in you that compelled you to these acts? It is THAT aspect within you that your fiancé needs to know about. Not the specifics of the 22 prostitutes, but the combination of whomever you are and what you did that compelled you towards that many visits to a brothel.

 

Is that something you just turn off? Seriously? Or do you believe that proclivity has been pocketed for now because you have found a potential spouse? I'm wondering if being in the honeymoon period of your relationship is causing you to shove aside whatever it was that drove you to see prostitutes.

 

See where I'm going here? It is why I believe it is imperative that you share with your fiancé the WHOLE truth; the prostitutes, why you saw them, and what you have done to be able to walk away from that lifestyle (if you are truly capable of doing so).

 

Just like I believe someone who was addicted to alcohol or drugs should confess their past to a potential mate with the added explanation of what brought them to abuse drugs and how they managed to come clean. It is all part-and-parcel of the tapestry that makes us who we are and shouldn't be compartmentalized.

[elaine567]

I mean when people meet is it truly necessary to reveal what happened in their past before they met. Just like somebody could have cheated on their past relationship, was addicted to drug or alcohol, had arrest history, etc.

 

I would want to know all that if I was going to marry him.

Marriage is a huge deal.

I would not want to find out after I married, that my husband had a habit of cheating, or had been in prison, or was an ex drug addict or an alcoholic.

I would want him to put all that stuff on the table, before we got married of course I would, as all that may affect our marriage or our kids lives, in the future.

[OldRover]

I would want to know all that if I was going to marry him.

Marriage is a huge deal.

I would not want to find out after I married, that my husband had a habit of cheating, or had been in prison, or was an ex drug addict or an alcoholic.

I would want him to put all that stuff on the table, before we got married of course I would, as all that may affect our marriage or our kids lives, in the future.

 

Absolutely agree, need to be totally open. If I found out my finance was into prostitution, I'd pass. Just not the kind of person I'd want. And if it were 22 times, I'd run.

 

Ya really need to know their history.