Finally plucked up the nerve and ended it

[make-this-stick]

After two and a half years, I ended my A today. I feel numb, scared and hurt all at the same time, while knowing that it's only going to get worse. I loved this many deeply and, yes, like everyone else thought that we were soulmates. I realized a while ago that this was a road to nowhere and it was never going to be more than it was. That I was feeling more lonely with him in my life, than I would be without him if that makes any sense. The constant waiting, the feelings of being let down when his work took over, the realization that he wasn't as invested in me as I was in him. When I started to read here, it became apparent that this wasn't just my A, but every A.

 

I sent him a message this morning to say that I am taking myself out of the equation. Now I know that I need to go NC. Man, that's going to be hard, I've already got memories popping up in my head like crazy. How do you block those out? I'm really hoping that I can come here and vent when I feel the urge to contact him. I know that I've done the right thing but it hurts like heck. Willing to take any advice/support that you can give me to stay strong, but please be gentle at least the first few days.

[Yellowteacup]

Cut all contact off completely. It hurts initially but the pain will slowly fade away.

[Eighty_nine]

Man, that's going to be hard, I've already got memories popping up in my head like crazy. How do you block those out?

 

don't block them out. you need to experience them, how painful they are, and how much you miss him and wish you could see him. you have to go through it, not around it. i went through a horrible breakup, one year to the day last year. i was at this work event really thinking i could NOT, would NOT, make it through and I definitely did make it through. Read all of Natalie Lue's self-help books, related to unavailable men. they are very, very helpful. good luck.

[jaskiegs]

This goes against much of the advice here but I believe that someone initiating NC should state clearly to the other person that there will be NC. Most will say you don't owe that to the person and maybe you don't. But otherwise, when he says, "How can you do this?" you will feel guilty.

 

So draw the line if you're serious. Don't say, don't contact me for a while. Don't say, figure your own life out. Don't just go dark. Say, don't contact me again. That act of strength will, at least in my opinion, benefit both of you.

[make-this-stick]

I don't think I'm brave enough to do that right now. He's not questioning why I'm doing it. He knows it's because over the last few months everything else has become a priority. His wife is sick, his son has special needs and he's going through a major upheaval at work. He is taking the stance that he loves me and will let me go because of his "failure to make me happy". I think it is actually because I started to question him about the future and he got uncomfortable because he knows that this has nowhere to go. I don't think he will try to contact me, he will take the higher road and be "respectful", probably thinking that thank goodness he got rid of me before it all got too uncomfortable. At least he gets out looking like the good guy.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't think I'm brave enough to do that right now. He's not questioning why I'm doing it. He knows it's because over the last few months everything else has become a priority. His wife is sick, his son has special needs and he's going through a major upheaval at work. He is taking the stance that he loves me and will let me go because of his "failure to make me happy". I think it is actually because I started to question him about the future and he got uncomfortable because he knows that this has nowhere to go. I don't think he will try to contact me, he will take the higher road and be "respectful", probably thinking that thank goodness he got rid of me before it all got too uncomfortable. At least he gets out looking like the good guy.

 

I agree with lissvarna that the only way out is through. Let yourself feel all the feelings. Trying to suppress them will only result in them erupting at some other time.

 

It's difficult to do, but try to stop figuring out his reasons for what he's doing or decoding his motivations. It's a waste of your precious mental energy. You have done a very smart and brave thing here by ending it. You are showing that you love yourself and you are taking care of yourself. It's painful, and it's worth it.

[make-this-stick]

Thank you, I'm trying to be brave & work through the pain. I've just been reading through our exchanges for the last few months. The writing was on the wall but I just chose not to see it. I've clearly been unhappy for a long time, hoping that if I'm just kinder, more loving, everything would turn out fine. I'm cautiously taking off those rose-tinted glasses & am afraid of what I'll see.

[NewLeaf512]

Im sorry you joined this group that no one wants to be a member of, yet here we are.

 

 

my exMM went dark on me and as much as I imagined what I would say what he would say and I had the "how could he do this to me?!?!" to be honest it was the best for my situation.

 

 

There had been so much come here/go away in the past that anything else would have just been like every other time. As much shame as I have about my conduct, I wouldn't put more shame on myself by chasing a man who doesn't want me, and needs to either make it or not with his BS which is for him to deal with, not me.

 

 

You will find everything here in LS from compassion to contempt. I urge you to try it all on and see if any of the posts hold any truths for you, not matter what the tone. Take what works, and leave the rest (obviously there are some posters who just want to attack, just ignore them). In fact for me the support has been vital to my NC, but also letting the pain and the stories of the BS wash over me and give me a 360 view of a scenario I helped create. It doesn't always feel good, but living in reality sure beats the alternative.

 

 

You made a huge stride today. Take it hour by hour if you have to. Whatever you do, keep NC.

Congratulations, you are on your way to authenticity !

[make-this-stick]

New leaf, you just brought tears to my eyes. Thanks, a little means a lot right now. Mm & I always use to talk about a time machine that could slow down the periods we were together. Right now I wish for the same thing that will catapult me to a year from now, still in NC & finding a better me.