about a possible LDR reconciliation?

[Pharcyde]

Short version: Together for 6+ years, some LDR, some of it actually together.

 

She broke it off in January after a really terrible and just right hard last 6 months.

So I moved back to the states almost immediately. 2 days after actually.

Which was already pre-planned, just supposed to be together and about a month later.

 

After contact was spotty at best, until I heard she was seeing kind of someone in March. So I went full NC and really thought I would never hear from her again. Definitely helped get over being hurt by the ending.

 

A the beginning of August, she contacted me. She apologized for how things ended and has been really trying to get on my good side. Almost daily, even if I don't answer. I can tell that she still cares, misses me and regrets breakup. The rebound is over too.. But she seems a bit ashamed/confused/etc to tell me how she truly wants out of this, which I sort of understand.

 

I still love and care about her quite a lot, and I know I always will. But the realist in me knows that shes the one that broke it off and we are an ocean apart now. Which makes it damn near impossible for a trusting reconciliation for myself. Without major changes.

 

At 29, with 6 years devoted to this relationship and an almost 10 year friendship total. I would really just like a straight up know if she sees a future in any of this... Otherwise its all for nothing.

 

Should I just bring this up and get it out there? or wait for her to? which is also possible to never happen.

 

I don't feel I should go NC(ignore) again just to get some emotional upper hand and all that. I'm over being angry/hurt about the ending and at her. Pretending I don't care is just not me. She still has huge piece heart(knowingly or not), I just don't want to play games and have any lingering doubt.

[d0nnivain]

If you want to reconcile you have to talk. If you sit around & wait for her to bring it up, you will never have this conversation. She might not want to have it even if you raise the subject but at least you tried

[Liono84]

Bottom line, you have to have an end date. If you don't have an expiration date in near site for this LDR, it's just simply not worth it.

 

 

So, I'd say, if you guys can work out an end date where both of you will be in the same location, it's okay and see if you can try and reconcile. If not, it's best to just move on and find someone local.

[Pharcyde]

Well I asked last week while we were chatting. I did it as emotionally detached as possible, I left out the "I love yous", "lets get back together", etc, .

 

I just asked "if there was any sort of future to this, because its obvious we both care about each other in some sense or we wouldn't be talking now..." And asked for her opinion.

But she said she didn't have time to talk about it, had to go to work, and we would talk later.

 

But its been a week and haven't heard a peep from her...... I gotta say it feels like a bit of a slap in the face. I actually thought there was a level of maturity and mutual respect between us to at least answer my question. Especially after 6 years together....

 

I find it hard to believe that she spent 2 weeks trying really hard to get on my good side for just an ego boos. To just disappear, when I tell her I still care about her and ask a serious question, seems insane to me.

 

Simply having the validation or affirmation of knowing it’s completely done, would have been perfectly fine to tell me. I would have accepted that and moved on. Because then there is no point in even speaking anymore.

 

But doing it this way actually kinda pisses me off.

[justwhoiam]

Should I just bring this up and get it out there?

No.

or wait for her to?

Yes.

 

which is also possible to never happen.

Right. But there's no need to rush things now, the matter can be brought up in a couple of months, after you have more clues about everything. Now it's too early.

 

I just asked "if there was any sort of future to this, because its obvious we both care about each other in some sense or we wouldn't be talking now..." And asked for her opinion.

Your question is not clear. Did you ask: If there was any sort of future to this, would you give it a go?

OR

Do you think there could be any sort of future to this?

OR what?

 

she said she didn't have time to talk about it, had to go to work, and we would talk later.

That might be for a number of reasons, but you were impatient to know about how she felt, and you shouldn't have given that away. I'm not talking about games here, but just being smart around someone who dropped you. You melted too soon.

 

My advice now is: don't bring it up anymore. If she happens to bring it up, act as if you almost forgot about that question, so that you give it little importance. Don't be around for her at all times. If she texts you, don't reply right away. Reply the next day. And if the text doesn't contain any question, you can wait 2 or 3 days before acknowledging her text. If she asks what's going on or something, just say it's been hectic. No need for any explanation. She's not your girlfriend anymore, she doesn't need to know your whereabouts. Always treat her kindly and with respect, be charming, happy and positive when talking to her. But just give her attention when you're on the phone, not when she messages or texts you. And if you happen to be on the phone with her, do not make it last more than 20 minutes. Say you have an appointment, or friends are waiting for you etc.

[Pharcyde]

Really 8 months later is too early?

 

I feel like if I let her in and play wait until shes ready game is just going to be extremely emotionally draining for me as I'm not really over her. Plus there is the huge distance thing now.

 

Maybe I did melt too soon, but she tried really hard to get me there over the course of the last few weeks...Things that you wouldn't say to an ex you had no feelings for(at least I wouldn't say them), but obviously leaving out what she truly wanted from her actions.

 

 

Footnotes of what I said(i can't remember it all): " hey, I get it we broke up and there's a whole ocean between us. But I do still care about you and it still feels like we left some things unsettled. I'm curious if you think there is any sort of future to this? From the things you've said lately, I can tell you do still care too, which I'd just like to know how you see things."

 

 

While I do actually like your advice and respect it. I'm sure it would be a good start, if she was in the same state or country for that matter.

 

But given the distance, lack of any mutual friends that are close to me now, there is a near zero chance, we would randomly encounter each other. That's why I think I need to understand her point of view to popping into my life again, unless there is more to it. Because even if it was a old friend, family member, etc that was far away, we would probably talk about meeting up at some point.

 

Telling me what a great man I am, missing me, thinking about me constantly, etc etc... puts me in a bit in a tight spot emotionally at this point. While I'd love to be able to just hit reset and act like we did before we got together. I just think there are far too many years of history and I was the one that uprooted my life for her, far away from people I had known my whole life. And I did lose touch with many of them because of it.

 

I'll always treat her kindly and with respect, I've been able to do that with any of my previous exes. This one is just different, I love her, shes got that power over me. I haven't been able to shake it off like I usually could after BUs, when I was younger.

 

If shes happy with her current life there, I'll respect that and be happy for her. But there no way I'll be happy being in the unknown of her motives towards me...