Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I think based on how long you've been here you know the answer. Block her number. Exactly, sorta goes without saying huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Yes this is the borderline personality chic and yes I know the answer. Getting sucked in is not good and I dont know why I think someone will change. Its been nothing more than a continuation of the past and that is frustrating. It really has been the best,most loving, fun time of my life and most frustrating of times. My kids loved her and she loved them. Like a jack ass I like to try and walk away with some dignity for everyone. Dumb, I know... Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Getting sucked in is not good and I dont know why I think someone will change. Its been nothing more than a continuation of the past and that is frustrating. You know you need to block her. I think the bigger question is why you think she will change. I think you just HOPE she will change, but, logically, I'm sure you realize that she won't change. You need to operate from a logical standpoint now, not an emotional standpoint. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Maybe she wants her bra and panties back? Either way, you broke up with her, if you don't want her back, stop texting her. You're giving her hope when you do that. You need to make a clean break. Just block her and cut off the drama. You have kids -- no need to play this game with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Who is playing the game here with all the dramatic texts?! She has had issues with depression and can be hyper emotional. I do care about her and dont want her to spiral in to the "black hole" as she calls it. Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Who is playing the game here with all the dramatic texts?! She has had issues with depression and can be hyper emotional. I do care about her and dont want her to spiral in to the "black hole" as she calls it. Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. As a dumper, you can't do that until all romantic impulses from both parties are gone. All you are doing is confusing the issue, both with her and with yourself. You're doing both of you an extreme disservice by being in contact. You broke up with her. Either respect the breakup and let her be and block her, or take back the breakup and be a couple. You're trying to negotiate the grey area, which is a recipe for disaster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide! she wants you to feel guilty and you're eating it up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Who is playing the game here with all the dramatic texts?! She has had issues with depression and can be hyper emotional. I do care about her and dont want her to spiral in to the "black hole" as she calls it. Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. In all fairness, you are a part of the games by responding. When you breakup, you have to deal with the emotions separately. You don't deal with them as a team. The fact that she struggles with depression and and BDP does not make her an exception. Even if you are coming from a place of concern, you are the very last person who should be trying to heal her deal with her problems. She has to learn to deal with life on her own, and so do you. If you feel guilt, you are normal. But you have to find a way to cope with that guilt without responding to her and creating more drama. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well said! Is there any last parting comment(s) I should make that would effectively draw the line in the sand. Blocking or just never responding after all of the recent back and forth feels wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well said! Is there any last parting comment(s) I should make that would effectively draw the line in the sand. Blocking or just never responding after all of the recent back and forth feels wrong. It's not wrong. In fact, it's more humane than what you are doing now. The best thing for both parties is for you both to move forward. She can't move forward if you're talking to her, and you can't move forward if you're talking to her. No parting words, no second goodbye, just cut it off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Blocking or just never responding after all of the recent back and forth feels wrong. If you need to respond be direct and to the point. No sorrys, I love yous or any of that. Tell her that you won't be contacting her again as it's not fair to her, and regret giving her the wrong impression by staying in contact. You both need a lot of space to sort out your feelings. That's why creating false hope is ruinous to the healing process. If you feel guilty now, just think how guilty you'd feel leading her on for weeks or months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thejabberwocky Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Honestly, there is no such thing as closure. It's an idea people hang on to as the magic thing that will make you feel better about a horrible situation. It won't. Just do NC. It will help you think clearly, be less emotional, and really be able to evaluate whether this person is worth pursuing further. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Who is playing the game here with all the dramatic texts?! She has had issues with depression and can be hyper emotional. I do care about her and dont want her to spiral in to the "black hole" as she calls it. Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. Otter, you do not have the power to prevent someone from spiralling into a black hole. You will only cause greater confusion and pain in trying to be there for her. You really, REALLY need to dig down, find your "iron" and not reply. If you like, you can send her a final email to that effect so that she understands that you are going NC. Then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Well said! Is there any last parting comment(s) I should make that would effectively draw the line in the sand. Blocking or just never responding after all of the recent back and forth feels wrong. I would just block her and he done with it. If you contact her, it is likely to lead to more contact that will spiral out of control. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Who is playing the game here with all the dramatic texts?! She has had issues with depression and can be hyper emotional. I do care about her and dont want her to spiral in to the "black hole" as she calls it. Again, I think I can reach her and to be there for her. Her texts do make me feel guilty. Oy. This all on you buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Bucking the trend ....I think you should keep talking to her Otter. It's obvs you still have feelings. Those feelings don't have to be romance (and aren't by the sound of it) and can just be care and concern. Helping her out, while potentially frustrating, may at least help you to feel dignified about the whole business, while turning your back on her will probably just make you feel like a snake. :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Thats what I needed to hear (Gus). I fell for her crap desperate please and blanket statements of blame and disallusionmnet. Its like arguing with a crazy person....you just cant do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Jen, that generally how I think. I have a hard time, a noted in my other posts, when its gets crazy and the comments and self pity start flying. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Jen, that generally how I think. I have a hard time, a noted in my other posts, when its gets crazy and the comments and self pity start flying. Do boundaries not work with her? When I've ended Rs and remained after the fact to help them, it's always been with a firm set of 'new reality' boundaries that I make clear early on and don't tolerate any violation of (while remaining nice and supportive). Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Do boundaries not work with her? When I've ended Rs and remained after the fact to help them, it's always been with a firm set of 'new reality' boundaries that I make clear early on and don't tolerate any violation of (while remaining nice and supportive). That seems like a slippery slope to me. I could see problems arising if you aren't extremely careful. Limited contact at best, if at all. From an intellectual level, the idea sounds good on paper. But it's hard to turn off romantic feelings that quickly and broken hearts will overanalyze every word and find mixed messages everywhere. The idea that you are still in contact with the other person alone can grant false hope. What you are saying is, essentially, you're building a new relationship dynamic immediately after the breakup to help them through it. That's a tall order. Perhaps after a nice cooling off period depending on how long the relationship lasted. 6 - 12 months. I guess I could see it work then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 That seems like a slippery slope to me. I could see problems arising if you aren't extremely careful. Limited contact at best, if at all. From an intellectual level, the idea sounds good on paper. But it's hard to turn off romantic feelings that quickly and broken hearts will overanalyze every word and find mixed messages everywhere. The idea that you are still in contact with the other person alone can grant false hope. What you are saying is, essentially, you're building a new relationship dynamic immediately after the breakup to help them through it. That's a tall order. Perhaps after a nice cooling off period depending on how long the relationship lasted. 6 - 12 months. I guess I could see it work then. It's not theory for me - I've done it (successfully) many times. The only requirements are what I said above - limits and boundaries, uniformly put forward and enforced. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 It's not your responsibility to look after her anymore. If she falls into a black hole that's on her. She doesn't have any other support outside of you? As the Op said, you can't go through this breakup "together". It doesn't make you a bad guy or a snake to go Nc. You have to be a little selfish and think about your well being over hers. Jen this may work successfully for you if emotions are out of the picture. But I think Otter is still emotionally charged and needs some space first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 It's not theory for me - I've done it (successfully) many times. The only requirements are what I said above - limits and boundaries, uniformly put forward and enforced. Jen, I agree with Gus and BriNyc that Otter would be wise to go full NC. If Otter's exGF has strong BPD traits as he believes, she has extremely weak boundaries. Moreover, if Otter is an excessive caregiver like me, he is so highly empathetic that he also has very weak personal boundaries -- making it difficult for him to see where HIS problems stop and hers begin. Consequently, my concern is that, if both parties have weak boundaries, it is a big risk for Otter to assume that -- at a time when he should be focused on his own healing -- he somehow will manage to suddenly create and enforce the boundaries needed to protect him while continuing to interact with his exGF. As Gus observes, that approach is likely to place Otter on a slippery slope to being pulled back into this toxic relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 It's not theory for me - I've done it (successfully) many times. The only requirements are what I said above - limits and boundaries, uniformly put forward and enforced. That's great and all, but I'd say that you are the exception, not the rule, in this regard. Some people can be unconventional and pull it off, but most can't. Most quarterbacks that try to play like Brett Favre are awful even though Favre is a future Hall of Famer with his style. Same concept applies here. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts