Just ended my affair

[Redbird Fly]

I guess I'm hoping for some support, encouragement, advice. A shoulder to cry on. A kick in the butt if I need it. I don't really know.

 

I've been having an affair on and off for about two years. I am married and so is he. I feel like I fell into this affair, was quite surprised by it and the intensity of my feelings, as I was sort of muddling along in my busy but rote marriage that I considered to be "fine." I would have never thought myself capable of such a thing, but...here I am.

 

We both fell in love. I've read all the stories on here and see that there are love affairs, some that are passionate and friendly, but seem to be "arrangements," others that are generally about sex. I hate to admit, I probably fell more in love with him than I ever have anyone. How do I compare it to my husband? Of course I fell in love with my husband in the beginning. But we were kids. It all seems different.

 

xMM had a couple of near-miss D-Days. I had a real D-Day. We've been trying to end it and just haven't totally done it. We've gone up to two months and then we relapse. But we just had what I really believe is our last day together.

 

Has anyone ever ended an A like this? We both agreed it just can't continue. I have to return to my marriage. I need to give it a fair shot; I want to. MM really isn't emotionally available anyway. The irony of it all is he is actually working towards a divorce. But it doesn't matter. He just can't give enough to us. I can't and shouldn't anyway. I don't want to do this to my husband anymore, my family. I want to be 100% in one place again. This affair has made me crazy, I'm not myself. We both recognize that something is NOT better than nothing. So we met today, had one last day together, and said goodbye. We are now NC.

 

Finally, he just walked out of the room. That was it. What else is there to do? I've never done anything like this before. Ending a relationship that still has love and attachment. Yet I know it's the best thing for everyone. How can I have those feelings for him, yet know in my heart I want them to go away? I know it all must be completely over.

 

This has been a very long time coming. I am hoping I can get support here in staying NC and moving forward with my life. I think I am numb right now. I am a bit scared about what tomorrow may bring.

[make-this-stick]

(((Big Hug))) I know EXACTLY what you're going through because I did the very same thing today. Isn't it strange how we just have enough, we're exhausted by the A, and suddenly despite how much we love them, life seems less lonely without them around? I don't think I can offer much advice as I'm at the same place as you, but I'm happy to listen and give encouragement.

[Redbird Fly]

(((Big Hug))) I know EXACTLY what you're going through because I did the very same thing today. Isn't it strange how we just have enough, we're exhausted by the A, and suddenly despite how much we love them, life seems less lonely without them around? I don't think I can offer much advice as I'm at the same place as you, but I'm happy to listen and give encouragement.

 

Thank you, to you too! I just read your post, and yes, it appears we are going through very similar things! MM asked me today if I regretted what had happened. I didn't know how to answer. Yes, in some ways. There has been so much pain. But how do you regret feeling that love? But probably, if I could go back in time, I would wish that it never happened. Too much hurt for too many people.

 

I hope you can stay strong. We have tried NC before, but today feels different. I feel like we did it right this time. Although it's different for everyone I guess. That and NC only takes one person to implement. I've struggled with that, feeling like I needed his agreement. But I know all that matters right now is that I commit to it.

[Artie Lang]

i'm a little confused. you state that you had a D-day but are still engaged in the affair. does this mean you've been lying to your husband about the affair having ended? what exactly do you mean by D-day? how did it come about? did your husband set some ground rules for reconciliation?

 

obviously your husband, for some reason, hasn't followed through with exposure and probably just rugswept the whole thing. this is why you find yourself going back to this MM. your husband's passivity has allowed you to resume with this behavior. i really don't see you ending this until you confess to your husband that you've restarted the affair.

[Redbird Fly]

i'm a little confused. you state that you had a D-day but are still engaged in the affair. does this mean you've been lying to your husband about the affair having ended? what exactly do you mean by D-day? how did it come about? did your husband set some ground rules for reconciliation?

 

obviously your husband, for some reason, hasn't followed through with exposure and probably just rugswept the whole thing. this is why you find yourself going back to this MM. your husband's passivity has allowed you to resume with this behavior. i really don't see you ending this until you confess to your husband that you've restarted the affair.

 

Yes, I had a D Day, a huge disaster. My husband doesn't know it continued. I know it's wrong. I've been trying to end it...I know "trying" doesn't cut it. It's been so complicated, just so much more difficult than I expected. We actually did immediately end it, and then we resumed contact, just communicated here and there, and then we saw each other a few times, and then firmly ended it "again" today. It's just been drawn out way too long.

 

He did not expose. My husband knows everything up to the point of D Day. I have been sincerely trying to end the affair. I don't know how to tell him more now.

[Satu]

You are talking sense and doing the right thing.

 

 

A little clip from my journal:

 

 

"Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress."

 

 

And another:

 

"*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying."

 

 

 

Take care.

[Redbird Fly]

You are talking sense and doing the right thing.

 

 

A little clip from my journal:

 

 

"Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress."

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for this and your words of support. I crave ordinary. I want normal again. I am scared...I know I have been wrapped up in this for a long time. But I know what I want.

 

And I am committed to no contact. I know I haven't been doing the "right" things, but I have to start somewhere.

[Artie Lang]

i see. the only thing i can tell you at this point is to stay NC. you realize you do need to tell your husband it has continued. this is paramount if you are serious about trying to reconcile your marriage... no other way around it. he deserves to know the whole truth. lying by omission is still lying.

 

what exactly happened on D-day? what did your husband do in terms of conditions for him trying to make things work, because it seems he pretty much swept it under the rug hoping it would all go away- that was his mistake obviously, you didn't follow through and just took this affair underground and made a total fool out of him. i'm sorry but i'm gonna be totally honest with you- you cannot be trusted at this point- PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

 

you know what you have to do, the question is are you able/willing to do it. my opinion... NO, you're not! i don't believe you'll follow through and neither should your husband. that's just the truth and i think you know it deep down inside also.

 

there must be some tangible consequences to your horrible decisions- as in exposure of the affair to the other BS; a stern NC letter sent; and a review of all your communications with this MM to gauge the true extent of your betrayal. your husband must act.

[Horton]

Safe to say your husband was pretty blase about the affair then?

[Redbird Fly]

i see. the only thing i can tell you at this point is to stay NC. you realize you do need to tell your husband it has continued. this is paramount if you are serious about trying to reconcile your marriage... no other way around it. he deserves to know the whole truth. lying by omission is still lying.

 

what exactly happened on D-day? what did your husband do in terms of conditions for him trying to make things work, because it seems he pretty much swept it under the rug hoping it would all go away- that was his mistake obviously, you didn't follow through and just took this affair underground and made a total fool out of him. i'm sorry but i'm gonna be totally honest with you- you cannot be trusted at this point- PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

 

you know what you have to do, the question is are you able/willing to do it. my opinion... NO, you're not! i don't believe you'll follow through and neither should your husband. that's just the truth and i think you know it deep down inside also.

 

there must be some tangible consequences to your horrible decisions- as in exposure of the affair to the other BS; a stern NC letter sent; and a review of all your communications with this MM to gauge the true extent of your betrayal. your husband must act.

 

I can't argue with you. I will only say that if anyone is a fool here, it's me; not my husband.

 

I confessed the affair after becoming very overwhelmed by guilt, stress, the lies, the double life, everything. My intention was to end it, put everything on the table, and just hope he was willing to consider reconciliation. He did not rugsweep. The affair ended and I worked very hard to put things back together, to earn my husband's trust, to find my way back home, even in my own heart.

 

After a few months, MM contacted me and I made the mistake of responding. I held it to just an odd email or two every now and then, telling myself I was not back in the affair. Then I would cut contact for a while, a month or more. Finally, he came to see me in person and I guess that's when I felt we technically resumed the affair for a short while. Even then we only saw each other a few times over the span of months. It's just been hanging over my head, knowing that this cannot continue in any way.

 

As to what you think I should do and telling me I won't follow through... I know right now I've got to follow through on NC. I'm focusing on that for now.

[Redbird Fly]

Safe to say your husband was pretty blase about the affair then?

 

No, not at all. I just wasn't posting that side of the story.

[make-this-stick]

Redbird, at this moment in time it's hard to look back. Take baby steps forward, get through today, try to sleep. The hard work is in the future when the world gets back into focus.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for this and your words of support. I crave ordinary. I want normal again. I am scared...I know I have been wrapped up in this for a long time. But I know what I want.

 

And I am committed to no contact. I know I haven't been doing the "right" things, but I have to start somewhere.

 

You're not committed. You say you are but deep down you won't be - Next time exMM contacts you, you'll want to see him again or want to talk. I don't believe for one second that the A is completely over and you two will be n total NC for good.

 

If you are serious about NC forever, you will confess (again) to your husband and come clean about the A resuming, be completely honest. Your H put trust back in you and you took his trust (those few months) and threw it out the window.

 

Suffering real consequences may help your marriage. Seems your H trusted you too quickly and didn't check up on you enough and you also never got that your H gave you a second chance and took advantage of that, as well as not really being committed in saving your marriage. You put yourself first again, above your H's pain, by continuing the A.

[Heatherknows]

Y

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

 

Satu...this is amazing. You should write a book.

[Redbird Fly]

whichwayisup, I guess I deserve that and everything else I have coming to me. Believe it or not, I am in pain too, and it is not just because I ended the A. I hurt because of what I did and continued to do. It is self-inflicted. There is enough pain to go around.

 

People end As all the time. I believe I am ready and I can do it, regardless of your opinion.

[Blue73]

Oh boy- was there some sort of full moon, lunar eclipse, Mucury retrograde?

We all seem to have broken up on the same day with our AP's...UGH

I am struggling too so I will try to offer support but maybe drowning in as much sorrow as you. BIG HUGS! I so feel your pain in it stinks!

[lemondrop21]

I am drowning too... I suppose the final "breakup" happened Sunday but we haven't gone NC, I've been feeling out how things should go since we work together. Yesterday was downright AWFUL and today was probably worse. Yesterday I sobbed in the bathroom but at least I didn't tell him how much I was hurting. Today I told him by text message how sad I was, and how I just wanted a hug... and he wouldn't give me a hug. It's humiliating and painful, like I'm being tortured. I suppose this means NC is the only way to go, but HOLY GOD does it hurt right now.

 

You other folks on this thread who just ended it today, know that you're in for rough times ahead and have a plan in place. In fact, have a list of ten things or twenty things you'll do instead of contacting him. Reading mantras, going on a run, writing on LS, whatever it is... otherwise you're gonna contact him during these awful moments that you WILL feel.

[Redbird Fly]

I so appreciate the supportive comments and hope I can be there for you all in return. I know I have done wrong things but I am white-knuckling it from here on out. I kind of feel like my life depends on it...not just mine really.

 

I hear you Blue and Lemondrop about the pain. But I also have decided that I can no longer go to MM with my pain. I have habitually gone to him for soothing and to relieve that feeling of anxiety but I can't anymore. We talked yesterday and agreed that part of the reason we had not fully let go of each other was that we were both scared of addressing our situations at home. It is time to grow up and face our fears head on. Everyone in our lives, including us, deserves 100% or nothing at all.

[Artie Lang]

People end As all the time. I believe I am ready and I can do it, regardless of your opinion.

 

hope that's true. i don't think anyone is being overly harsh on you, please understand that. sometimes you need someone to light a fire under your a$$ to encourage you to make a change. it needs to be done in some cases. you've tried before one way and look where it got you.

 

NC is definitely the first step. just keep in mind that your husband deserves the whole truth at some point- sooner rather than later.

[Redbird Fly]

hope that's true. i don't think anyone is being overly harsh on you, please understand that. sometimes you need someone to light a fire under your a$$ to encourage you to make a change. it needs to be done in some cases. you've tried before one way and look where it got you.

 

NC is definitely the first step. just keep in mind that your husband deserves the whole truth at some point- sooner rather than later.

 

Believe me, I have considered bringing this to my husband, but the memory of the trauma of the first confession puts me right back at square one almost as soon as the thought crosses my mind. The mere thought of the words coming out of my mouth makes me go mute. How do I explain it? I didn't want the affair back. I didn't feel capable of making right decisions, of defending my own boundaries. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Is it ALWAYS the right thing to lay it all out there? For now I am just surviving.

[Artie Lang]

Is it ALWAYS the right thing to lay it all out there? For now I am just surviving.

 

i believe it is. i know some would say "it's better not to hurt them any further." but, don't you think he deserves the truth- the WHOLE truth. if you really want to live "authentically," as they say, you should lay it all out there. there should be no secrets between you. at least that's what i think. it's not gonna be easy, i realize that.

 

sometimes the "right thing" to do is the hardest and least popular.

[Horton]

I have a question for you.

 

Why shouldn't your husband be the one to decide if he wants to give you a third chance or not?

[Be_Strong]

Redbird, does your husband know how much you were/are in love with exMM? You should be honest about that. In order to successfully reconcile, everything needs to be on the table, including a frank admission to your husband that you still love exMM and it will be extremely difficult for you to get over your feelings for him and it's possible that you will have slip ups.

 

I was in your husband's shoes last year. My wife had an affair with a MM and they fell in love with each other. We are currently making a go at reconciliation and have made a lot of progress. Thankfully my wife was brutally honest with me about her struggles. Although it was incredibly painful for me at the time, it was the only way that true reconciliation could stick. If my wife had simply put on a happy face for me and told me that she was completely over the MM but was secretly tormented, we'd have never made it this far.

 

What you, your husband and your marriage need desperately right now is authenticity at any cost. No matter how much it might hurt or how much pain it could cause, total and complete honestly is needed. Yes, it will cause your husband pain, but he will be greatful for the truth and it will be better for everyone in the long run.

[jbrent890]

Redbird, does your husband know how much you were/are in love with exMM? You should be honest about that. In order to successfully reconcile, everything needs to be on the table, including a frank admission to your husband that you still love exMM and it will be extremely difficult for you to get over your feelings for him and it's possible that you will have slip ups.

 

I was in your husband's shoes last year. My wife had an affair with a MM and they fell in love with each other. We are currently making a go at reconciliation and have made a lot of progress. Thankfully my wife was brutally honest with me about her struggles. Although it was incredibly painful for me at the time, it was the only way that true reconciliation could stick. If my wife had simply put on a happy face for me and told me that she was completely over the MM but was secretly tormented, we'd have never made it this far.

 

What you, your husband and your marriage need desperately right now is authenticity at any cost. No matter how much it might hurt or how much pain it could cause, total and complete honestly is needed. Yes, it will cause your husband pain, but he will be greatful for the truth and it will be better for everyone in the long run.

 

I could not agree with this statement more. The couples that I have seen survive this are the ones where each spouse put everything on the table. I know it is going to suck, but doing the right thing is never usually easy. As others have stated, you need to be honest about the continued contact. And as Be Strong has stated, you need to be brutally honest with your husband about how you felt about your OM. Right now your husband deserves to know what he is in for. If he feels that your emotional attachment to the OM is a deal breaker for him, then you are going to have to accept that. My last piece of advice is, for you to properly R with your husband, you are going to have to put to rest that there is a future with your AP. You are going to have to get to the point that even if your R fails, you are not going to go back to your AP. This might sound harsh but if you feel that you can't get to that point, then maybe its best to end things now with your husband. The mentality of "if my marriage fails at least I will have OM" is going to cause you to not be fully committed to fixing your marriage, because OM would always be in the background. You can do this, but in my opinion, you and your husband could benefit with some IC before talks of fixing the marriage come into play. Good luck on your journey.

[Redbird Fly]

Redbird, does your husband know how much you were/are in love with exMM? You should be honest about that. In order to successfully reconcile, everything needs to be on the table, including a frank admission to your husband that you still love exMM and it will be extremely difficult for you to get over your feelings for him and it's possible that you will have slip ups.

 

I was in your husband's shoes last year. My wife had an affair with a MM and they fell in love with each other. We are currently making a go at reconciliation and have made a lot of progress. Thankfully my wife was brutally honest with me about her struggles. Although it was incredibly painful for me at the time, it was the only way that true reconciliation could stick. If my wife had simply put on a happy face for me and told me that she was completely over the MM but was secretly tormented, we'd have never made it this far.

 

What you, your husband and your marriage need desperately right now is authenticity at any cost. No matter how much it might hurt or how much pain it could cause, total and complete honestly is needed. Yes, it will cause your husband pain, but he will be greatful for the truth and it will be better for everyone in the long run.

 

Be Strong, I admire you for what you've been able to do, in the face of your wife's affair.

 

I did confess my feelings to my husband. He has simply been baffled by them. He would press and press me in the beginning. I kept trying to be honest but it seemed to confuse him all the more. He just could not understand how in the world I could possibly have the feelings that I did. He seemed to expect me to want to immediately turn my back and hate MM as much as he did. I understand that he could not empathize with me. But it's made it nearly impossible for me to remain open with him. He has been so broken by this.

 

I wish I could understand how you all have managed your way through. I would love to learn about falling out of love with one person and back with your husband. I want to do this.