Just ended my affair

[Redbird Fly]

I could not agree with this statement more. The couples that I have seen survive this are the ones where each spouse put everything on the table. I know it is going to suck, but doing the right thing is never usually easy. As others have stated, you need to be honest about the continued contact. And as Be Strong has stated, you need to be brutally honest with your husband about how you felt about your OM. Right now your husband deserves to know what he is in for. If he feels that your emotional attachment to the OM is a deal breaker for him, then you are going to have to accept that. My last piece of advice is, for you to properly R with your husband, you are going to have to put to rest that there is a future with your AP. You are going to have to get to the point that even if your R fails, you are not going to go back to your AP. This might sound harsh but if you feel that you can't get to that point, then maybe its best to end things now with your husband. The mentality of "if my marriage fails at least I will have OM" is going to cause you to not be fully committed to fixing your marriage, because OM would always be in the background. You can do this, but in my opinion, you and your husband could benefit with some IC before talks of fixing the marriage come into play. Good luck on your journey.

 

Thank you. I have suggested couples counseling but my H has not agreed. I have been in therapy for a while now.

 

I really want to close the trap door in my mind. I am considering everything you are saying.

[jbrent890]

Thank you. I have suggested couples counseling but my H has not agreed. I have been in therapy for a while now.

 

I really want to close the trap door in my mind. I am considering everything you are saying.

 

MC is the last thing you guys need right now. Until you can be completely honest with your husband about everything in your affair, MC will not do you guys any good. Both of you need IC. As it stands, you both can benefit from counseling apart from each other right now. IC will help you find ways to get over your AP and hopefully work up the courage to be honest with your husband. IC will also help your husband process your affair and most importantly, see if he really wants to fix this marriage. Personally, and this statement might scare you, I think you and your husband could benefit by separating for a short time while each of you focuses on your respective issues. You need to see what it is like to not have both men in your life and he needs to see what a life without you in it is like. Yes, it is risky, but the couples that I have seen did this came back stronger because they realized that the marriage is what they BOTH want. But as it stands, you and your husband are not ready to fix this marriage yet. You both have to fix yourselves first before that can happen and you both have to figure out if this marriage is what you really want. Reconciling after an affair is hard work. Both you and your husband need to be prepared to lose each other in order to properly R.

 

Like I said earlier, you can do this, but you need to ask yourself "are you ready to fix this." For the next few years, your husband is going to be in immense pain, pain that you caused (sorry for the 2x4). You need to get yourself to the point where you are ready to help him through this. Sorry to say, you can't do that now because your allowing your AP to take up rent in your head. I know for a lot of women, it is hard to just jump back into the marriage after their affair. This is why I suggest you two take some time apart and work on yourselves. I hope this helps and as always, good luck on your journey.

Edited August 22, 2015 by jbrent890

[Horton]

So your plan is to go to MC to work on the marriage while lying to both the counselor and your husband about the affair? How is that gonna help your marriage? That's like planting a beautiful garden around an active volcano, once that thing erupts (and it will) all of the work you put into it will be for nothing.

[jbrent890]

I also wanted to add that you are about to start going through withdrawal from your AP. I have read a lot of R stories and this reeks havoc on BSs, so much so, that a lot terminate the R because it is too painful to deal with. Your husband does not need to see you depressed and pinning over your AP, which is another reason I suggest you two take some time apart. Lastly, I would suggest your husband join a site like this where he can talk to people. It doesn't have to be this one. There are other out there like Talk about Marriage, Surviving Infidelity (my personal favorite), and Divorce Busters.

[DKT3]

Be Strong, I admire you for what you've been able to do, in the face of your wife's affair.

 

I did confess my feelings to my husband. He has simply been baffled by them. He would press and press me in the beginning. I kept trying to be honest but it seemed to confuse him all the more. He just could not understand how in the world I could possibly have the feelings that I did. He seemed to expect me to want to immediately turn my back and hate MM as much as he did. I understand that he could not empathize with me. But it's made it nearly impossible for me to remain open with him. He has been so broken by this.

 

I wish I could understand how you all have managed your way through. I would love to learn about falling out of love with one person and back with your husband. I want to do this.

 

Here is the rub. Most WW's don't "fall" out of love with their husbands they really replace him in emotions and importance, the feeling are suppressed but not gone. It becomes a matter of refocus both mentally and emotionally. That coupled with the shame and guilt of facing what you've actually done with the affair. In most cases the wife is the primary caregiver of the marriage but during an affair many could give a flip, and spend most of their time trying to avoid the husband and the marriage. Coming out of the affair now you come face to face with what you've done with or without a confession.

 

Here is the thing, you will have to face this one way or the other. There is a thread somewhere here (don't remember which section) where the woman cheated and left for the AP some four years ago and is just now dealing with the fallout and emotions of that past relationship. She is having nightly nigthmares and her ex is always on her mind. She feel a need to make it right and doesn't seem to be handling well.

 

Many WW's here don't like my message, but the truth is if and when your ready to move on from the affair it isn't all that hard to do so. The problem is when you don't want to, when you still feel this toxic treadmill of a fantasy relationship is a better option then the one that is your husband and kids.

 

I think its important to decide what you want, once you get there then you have to move in that direction and get rid of things that pull you off that path.

 

MC at this stage is pointless because MM is still more important then you husband and marriage, believe it or not your husband can feel that. As a BH I promise you he can gauge where your heart is and until he feels or believes its with him he was view you as a semi enemy.

[DKT3]

I also wanted to add that you are about to start going through withdrawal from your AP. I have read a lot of R stories and this reeks havoc on BSs, so much so, that a lot terminate the R because it is too painful to deal with. Your husband does not need to see you depressed and pinning over your AP, which is another reason I suggest you two take some time apart. Lastly, I would suggest your husband join a site like this where he can talk to people. It doesn't have to be this one. There are other out there like Talk about Marriage, Surviving Infidelity (my personal favorite), and Divorce Busters.

 

I think talk about marriage is too pro divorce and they would hammer him over the head with her being a heartless soulless monster. It had me ready to make lovin walk the plank into shark infested waters.

[Redbird Fly]

I also wanted to add that you are about to start going through withdrawal from your AP. I have read a lot of R stories and this reeks havoc on BSs, so much so, that a lot terminate the R because it is too painful to deal with. Your husband does not need to see you depressed and pinning over your AP, which is another reason I suggest you two take some time apart. Lastly, I would suggest your husband join a site like this where he can talk to people. It doesn't have to be this one. There are other out there like Talk about Marriage, Surviving Infidelity (my personal favorite), and Divorce Busters.

 

I think you are right, both about the potential separation suggestion and the withdrawal. We have discussed this but my husband won't hear of it. I suppose he would reconsider if he knew the affair resumed. I am seeing my IC again early next week and will broach the topic of confessing this part of things. I admit, it scares me to death. But I wonder too if it's the only chance we have.

 

I am feeling the withdrawal...been totally NC for 3 days and it's there.

[Redbird Fly]

Here is the rub. Most WW's don't "fall" out of love with their husbands they really replace him in emotions and importance, the feeling are suppressed but not gone. It becomes a matter of refocus both mentally and emotionally. That coupled with the shame and guilt of facing what you've actually done with the affair. In most cases the wife is the primary caregiver of the marriage but during an affair many could give a flip, and spend most of their time trying to avoid the husband and the marriage. Coming out of the affair now you come face to face with what you've done with or without a confession.

 

Here is the thing, you will have to face this one way or the other. There is a thread somewhere here (don't remember which section) where the woman cheated and left for the AP some four years ago and is just now dealing with the fallout and emotions of that past relationship. She is having nightly nigthmares and her ex is always on her mind. She feel a need to make it right and doesn't seem to be handling well.

 

Many WW's here don't like my message, but the truth is if and when your ready to move on from the affair it isn't all that hard to do so. The problem is when you don't want to, when you still feel this toxic treadmill of a fantasy relationship is a better option then the one that is your husband and kids.

 

I think its important to decide what you want, once you get there then you have to move in that direction and get rid of things that pull you off that path.

 

MC at this stage is pointless because MM is still more important then you husband and marriage, believe it or not your husband can feel that. As a BH I promise you he can gauge where your heart is and until he feels or believes its with him he was view you as a semi enemy.

 

So the big question is - HOW do I do this???

[jbrent890]

I think you are right, both about the potential separation suggestion and the withdrawal. We have discussed this but my husband won't hear of it. I suppose he would reconsider if he knew the affair resumed. I am seeing my IC again early next week and will broach the topic of confessing this part of things. I admit, it scares me to death. But I wonder too if it's the only chance we have.

 

I am feeling the withdrawal...been totally NC for 3 days and it's there.

 

If I was a betting man, I would say that your husband is at the point where he does not know if he wants to R or D. This can go on for years if your husband does not get help. Has he decided to get IC for himself? In terms of your husband, right now he probably doesn't want to R, but at the same time, if you guys separate or divorce, he is scared that you will just go back to your AP. And this is a huge reason why I think a lot of betrayed decide to R, because they don't want the AP to win. Like you, your husband is going to have to get to the point where he reconciles because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to keep his family together or because he does not want you to end up with your AP. If you do choose to do the separation route (which I strongly suggest) you have to make it known to your husband that you are not going back to your AP, even if you guys don't make it (and there is a huge possibility that you wont, sorry but I try to be honest about these types of things). Like I said in an earlier post, I wouldn't either bother reconciling unless you feel that you can get yourself to the point where you are completely done with the AP. Even if you and your husband do fail, there is no future with you or the AP. In terms of how you get there, IC should help out a lot of with that. One thing that you can do is read about the differences between regret and remorse.

 

These links might help:

 

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/withdrawal.asp

 

PS

 

Even though I suggest separation, you need to follow your BS's lead. If he is dead set on trying to fix the marriage now, then do what he wants. If R is what you truly want, then the ball is in your husband's court.

Edited August 23, 2015 by jbrent890

[privategal]

He went from ego strokes to ego shattered. He was all fat and happy getting it all from his wife and all from you and giving you both bread crumbs. Imagine his surprise coming home from the trip and you were waiting breathless to see him. His only conflict should be why he is such an a-hole. God forbid a woman draws a line to enough is enough. Guess its inconvenient to not get your cake.

[Redbird Fly]

He went from ego strokes to ego shattered. He was all fat and happy getting it all from his wife and all from you and giving you both bread crumbs. Imagine his surprise coming home from the trip and you were waiting breathless to see him. His only conflict should be why he is such an a-hole. God forbid a woman draws a line to enough is enough. Guess its inconvenient to not get your cake.

 

I'm not sure I'm following?

[Redbird Fly]

If I was a betting man, I would say that your husband is at the point where he does not know if he wants to R or D. This can go on for years if your husband does not get help. Has he decided to get IC for himself? In terms of your husband, right now he probably doesn't want to R, but at the same time, if you guys separate or divorce, he is scared that you will just go back to your AP. And this is a huge reason why I think a lot of betrayed decide to R, because they don't want the AP to win. Like you, your husband is going to have to get to the point where he reconciles because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to keep his family together or because he does not want you to end up with your AP. If you do choose to do the separation route (which I strongly suggest) you have to make it known to your husband that you are not going back to your AP, even if you guys don't make it (and there is a huge possibility that you wont, sorry but I try to be honest about these types of things). Like I said in an earlier post, I wouldn't either bother reconciling unless you feel that you can get yourself to the point where you are completely done with the AP. Even if you and your husband do fail, there is no future with you or the AP. In terms of how you get there, IC should help out a lot of with that. One thing that you can do is read about the differences between regret and remorse.

 

These links might help:

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

PS

 

Even though I suggest separation, you need to follow your BS's lead. If he is dead set on trying to fix the marriage now, then do what he wants. If R is what you truly want, then the ball is in your husband's court.

 

Thank you for the links, I've been reading them. It's been a while since the original confession and my husband wants to reconcile. We've been doing a lot of work since then, but of course in the meantime, my affair resumed and he doesn't know. I have been an emotional disaster on the inside and I know some has leaked out. I feel like I am confused about xMM because I have never really given myself enough time to truly get over him. Is that possible? He just kept popping back in and it would set back my progress and then I caved.

 

I wonder how much time of true and total NC I need before my real feelings present themselves? Like, when am I actually out of the fog? That's what I need to know.

[DKT3]

Thank you for the links, I've been reading them. It's been a while since the original confession and my husband wants to reconcile. We've been doing a lot of work since then, but of course in the meantime, my affair resumed and he doesn't know. I have been an emotional disaster on the inside and I know some has leaked out. I feel like I am confused about xMM because I have never really given myself enough time to truly get over him. Is that possible? He just kept popping back in and it would set back my progress and then I caved.

 

I wonder how much time of true and total NC I need before my real feelings present themselves? Like, when am I actually out of the fog? That's what I need to know.

 

Your not ready for the affair to be over, its really that simple. In the meantime its extrmely cruel to drag your husband through R when you aren't the least bit interested and still very much involved in your affair. Being a BS and going through R is hard when your WS is committed, its full of self loathing, feeling weak and used, feeling like you've compromised yourself, feeling like a fool for trusting someone who has given you every reason not to (and in your case STILL giving him reason to not trust).

 

Your question has a simple answer, once you decide your family is more important then you lover then things will start to improve, your not there.

[jbrent890]

Thank you for the links, I've been reading them. It's been a while since the original confession and my husband wants to reconcile. We've been doing a lot of work since then, but of course in the meantime, my affair resumed and he doesn't know. I have been an emotional disaster on the inside and I know some has leaked out. I feel like I am confused about xMM because I have never really given myself enough time to truly get over him. Is that possible? He just kept popping back in and it would set back my progress and then I caved.

 

I wonder how much time of true and total NC I need before my real feelings present themselves? Like, when am I actually out of the fog? That's what I need to know.

 

I think DKT was right in the sense that the fog will end when you want it to. Right now (and you kind of eluded to this) it is easier to keep your affair alive then go back and face what you did to your husband and marriage. Until your ready to do that, the fog will still be there. You have to work yourself up to the point that when you see the hurt on your husband's face, you hurt. Right now you are at the point where you regret hurting your husband, but you aren't really remorseful (just an observation, not trying to offend).

 

In terms of how to get there, I know two techniques that WWs used. The first WW had two movies playing her head. Whenever she would want to think about something she did with her AP, she would think about what her husband was doing at that same time. If she thought about the sex she had with her AP, she would immediately switch over to thinking about her husband sitting alone wondering where she was. If she remembered a dinner date she had, she would think about her husband struggling to cook food for him and the kids. Every time she wanted to think about her AP, she would associate it with what her husband was doing. She eventually got to the point that memories of her affair would disgust her. While she was out having fun, her husband was doing was what he was supposed to do, which was provide for the family.

 

Another technique a WW used was that she actually thought what a real relationship between her and her AP would like. Not an continuation of her affair, but an actual relationship. To do this, she asked herself some tough questions. Could she count on him to pay bills, to clean the house, to help raise her children, etc. She also asked herself if she knew the real him. She came to the realization that she didn't. She didn't know his bad habits, how he actually treated his wife and kids. The only thing she knew is what he presented himself to be. Most importantly, she realized that he never knew the real her. Affairs are based off of fantasy. The two people involved get to be anyone they want to be. I'm only assuming here, but I'm sure that while you were with your AP, you didn't feel like a mother or a wife. You felt like a completely different person. However, that person isn't who you really are. The harsh reality is that if you left your husband for your AP, there is a very LARGE chance that relationship will fail. Statistically speaking over 90% of relationships that started out as affairs fail within the first year. Once reality sets in and the fantasy dies, those relationships just die. Again, these relationship thrive off of fantasy. Not only that only that, they only survive if you have someone else that is meeting your security needs (i.e. your marriage).

 

Listen, your not the first WW to feel this way. In fact, I found that it is much harder for women to go back to their marriages after affairs, which is why a lot of marriages end when the woman cheats. However, there are a lot of women that were able to work through the fog and give 110% back to their marriages. You just need to see your affair for what is was, which is fantasy and nothing more. This man never knew the real you and you never knew the real him. Once you accept these things, I think it will be easier to go back to your marriage.

[Redbird Fly]

Your not ready for the affair to be over, its really that simple. In the meantime its extrmely cruel to drag your husband through R when you aren't the least bit interested and still very much involved in your affair. Being a BS and going through R is hard when your WS is committed, its full of self loathing, feeling weak and used, feeling like you've compromised yourself, feeling like a fool for trusting someone who has given you every reason not to (and in your case STILL giving him reason to not trust).

 

Your question has a simple answer, once you decide your family is more important then you lover then things will start to improve, your not there.

 

But I did end my affair. I know it's only been a few days, but this is after months of work and effort on my end. Lots of soul-searching and a decision. Yes, it is painful, but I knew it's what needed to happen. I can't pretend I'm not grieving or second-guessing myself, but I also have to think that's part of the normal process.

 

So at what point does my decision become real? Do I suddenly prove myself after a certain period of NC? I don't really understand. Or do you think it requires the second confession? What am I missing?

[Redbird Fly]

I think DKT was right in the sense that the fog will end when you want it to. Right now (and you kind of eluded to this) it is easier to keep your affair alive then go back and face what you did to your husband and marriage. Until your ready to do that, the fog will still be there. You have to work yourself up to the point that when you see the hurt on your husband's face, you hurt. Right now you are at the point where you regret hurting your husband, but you aren't really remorseful (just an observation, not trying to offend).

 

In terms of how to get there, I know two techniques that WWs used. The first WW had two movies playing her head. Whenever she would want to think about something she did with her AP, she would think about what her husband was doing at that same time. If she thought about the sex she had with her AP, she would immediately switch over to thinking about her husband sitting alone wondering where she was. If she remembered a dinner date she had, she would think about her husband struggling to cook food for him and the kids. Every time she wanted to think about her AP, she would associate it with what her husband was doing. She eventually got to the point that memories of her affair would disgust her. While she was out having fun, her husband was doing was what he was supposed to do, which was provide for the family.

 

Another technique a WW used was that she actually thought what a real relationship between her and her AP would like. Not an continuation of her affair, but an actual relationship. To do this, she asked herself some tough questions. Could she count on him to pay bills, to clean the house, to help raise her children, etc. She also asked herself if she knew the real him. She came to the realization that she didn't. She didn't know his bad habits, how he actually treated his wife and kids. The only thing she knew is what he presented himself to be. Most importantly, she realized that he never knew the real her. Affairs are based off of fantasy. The two people involved get to be anyone they want to be. I'm only assuming here, but I'm sure that while you were with your AP, you didn't feel like a mother or a wife. You felt like a completely different person. However, that person isn't who you really are. The harsh reality is that if you left your husband for your AP, there is a very LARGE chance that relationship will fail. Statistically speaking over 90% of relationships that started out as affairs fail within the first year. Once reality sets in and the fantasy dies, those relationships just die. Again, these relationship thrive off of fantasy. Not only that only that, they only survive if you have someone else that is meeting your security needs (i.e. your marriage).

 

Listen, your not the first WW to feel this way. In fact, I found that it is much harder for women to go back to their marriages after affairs, which is why a lot of marriages end when the woman cheats. However, there are a lot of women that were able to work through the fog and give 110% back to their marriages. You just need to see your affair for what is was, which is fantasy and nothing more. This man never knew the real you and you never knew the real him. Once you accept these things, I think it will be easier to go back to your marriage.

 

I have definitely spent time thinking about the "real" MM and don't think I actually want him. I think my feelings right now are just panic, more of a reaction to the finality of the end than anything else, and facing down the reality of my marriage. The other suggestion of imagining what my H is doing while I am off doing things with MM is a good one. Though I have had no shortage of guilt - it has stuck to me like a wet suit.

 

There have been plenty of times that I've thought maybe it's best we just end things, and not so I can have MM. But just to be free of it all, for everyone. I've suggested it to my H. He insists that's not what he wants. I've even said, is that a knee-jerk reaction? Are you hanging onto me because you are scared? Do you even really love me that much?

 

He says he wants me. Again, maybe he wouldn't if he knew everything.

[Heatherknows]

I have definitely spent time thinking about the "real" MM and don't think I actually want him.

 

That is your key out of the fog:

 

You don't want the REAL married man. You want the hot, passionate, "I can't stop thinking about you. Your face and body is always on my mind" man. You don't want the real, "Did you wash my white shirt man?"

 

This married man is very real. You don't know that guy. If you ever want to be happy you'll need to forget affair passion which isn't real. Either make real passion in your marriage or find someone else you can be passionate with. Affair marriage is a toxic waste bin. Hard to think that way when it feels so good. Did you ever hear of a healthy crack addict?

 

I didn't.

[jbrent890]

I have definitely spent time thinking about the "real" MM and don't think I actually want him. I think my feelings right now are just panic, more of a reaction to the finality of the end than anything else, and facing down the reality of my marriage. The other suggestion of imagining what my H is doing while I am off doing things with MM is a good one. Though I have had no shortage of guilt - it has stuck to me like a wet suit.

 

There have been plenty of times that I've thought maybe it's best we just end things, and not so I can have MM. But just to be free of it all, for everyone. I've suggested it to my H. He insists that's not what he wants. I've even said, is that a knee-jerk reaction? Are you hanging onto me because you are scared? Do you even really love me that much?

 

He says he wants me. Again, maybe he wouldn't if he knew everything.

 

Your not the only wayward that thought about bailing because it would be easier. Just to let you know, every wayward that I have come across that did bailed because they were too scared to fix what they broke regretted that decision.

 

And to answer the post you addressed to DKT, no you are not in a real R right now. Sad to say, your affair continued for sometime, which caused you to not put much back into your marriage. I'm sorry but you need that second d day for multiple reasons. First, don't you want your husband to R with you because he knows everything and not what you present? Second, don't you want to get rid of the behaviors that caused you to cheat in the first place? At the end of the day, you not confessing only helps you and no one else. Lastly, if you decide to R and succeed, you never know if this information might come out years later. On another website, there was a WW who 7 years in R, however, she never disclosed the fact that her affair got physical. Her husband eventually found out and they are now getting divorced. 7 years of hard work down the drain because she was too scared to confess the physical nature of her affair. Yes, your confession will put you guys back to square one, but at the very least, you will finally have some authenticity in your marriage.

Edited August 23, 2015 by jbrent890

[DKT3]

But I did end my affair. I know it's only been a few days, but this is after months of work and effort on my end. Lots of soul-searching and a decision. Yes, it is painful, but I knew it's what needed to happen. I can't pretend I'm not grieving or second-guessing myself, but I also have to think that's part of the normal process.

 

So at what point does my decision become real? Do I suddenly prove myself after a certain period of NC? I don't really understand. Or do you think it requires the second confession? What am I missing?

 

You have only ended the affair in words, emotionally you are still very much in it.

 

To piggie back on Jbrent (we seem to do that a lot) wanting to walk away from your marriage is very common for WW's when the affair ends, I actually see it as a good sign. Why? Because it show a level of remorse even if its fear based. It normally means you understand the damage, which is a small victory. We have several WW's here NOW that believe their affair is no harm no foul and blindly jump back into the relationship and try to play the role of good wife.

 

One step at a time, clear your mind of this affair and stay engaged enough in your marriage that you don't push your husband out the door.

 

Being honest with you, I believe a second confession RIGHT NOW, would end your marriage because your in no state to fight for it and your heart is with MM.

[JPMC]

Redbird, the best thing you can do right now is quit this forum. You are getting horrible advice.

 

Stop the affair. Stay no contact, block everything and move on with your life like he is dead.

 

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

 

You have already hurt him, devastated him already. Yes, you have continued to live a lie. Go see a priest and confess and get the guilt off your conscience

 

From today forward be the best spouse you can be. Why hurt your husband any more?

 

It's not cowardly. Suffer in private and fall back in love with your husband.

 

These BS will continue to tell you urge you to tell your spouse. Don't

[Artie Lang]

Redbird, the best thing you can do right now is quit this forum. You are getting horrible advice.

 

Stop the affair. Stay no contact, block everything and move on with your life like he is dead.

 

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

 

You have already hurt him, devastated him already. Yes, you have continued to live a lie. Go see a priest and confess and get the guilt off your conscience

 

From today forward be the best spouse you can be. Why hurt your husband any more?

 

It's not cowardly. Suffer in private and fall back in love with your husband.

 

These BS will continue to tell you urge you to tell your spouse. Don't

 

i really hope this is some form of sarcastic reverse psychology. when has keeping secrets(lying by omission) ever been good advice?

 

 

if you follow the links jbrent890 shared for alternative resources and further reading, you'll notice they say the same thing- "stop lying and be truthful to your spouse," if you want any chance at reconciliation. it's not just this board that suggests coming clean.

Edited August 23, 2015 by Artie Lang

[jbrent890]

Redbird, the best thing you can do right now is quit this forum. You are getting horrible advice.

 

Stop the affair. Stay no contact, block everything and move on with your life like he is dead.

 

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

 

You have already hurt him, devastated him already. Yes, you have continued to live a lie. Go see a priest and confess and get the guilt off your conscience

 

From today forward be the best spouse you can be. Why hurt your husband any more?

 

It's not cowardly. Suffer in private and fall back in love with your husband.

 

These BS will continue to tell you urge you to tell your spouse. Don't

 

I find this post very hilarious. Redbird, you are free to take advice from whoever you want. However, if I was wayward trying to fix my marriage and behaviors, I would be hard pressed to take advice from someone who cheated on his wife, got a second chance, and returned that gift by cheating again. However, I do agree (and I will probably get moderated for this) that this is not a good site for a wayward trying R. The reason being is that there is not a large population of you on here. The site I got links from actually has a section for waywards trying R. Most importantly, BSs aren't allowed to post on those pages unless prompted.

 

Lastly, I'm actually going to disagree with DKT (first time for everything). He is right in the sense that I don't think you are in a place to fight for your marriage. However, the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to be honest with your husband and if you do confess, the prolonged omission will only hurt him even more. If you choose to confess, I would do it sooner rather than later only because it is going to set you guys back. I know admitting that probably doesn't make being honest with him that more enticing, but it is the truth. My advice, give yourself a couple of weeks of IC just to see if you really want to save this marriage. If you do come to the conclusion that you want to R, then yes, I believe whole-heartedly that you need to be honest with your husband. I'm not a wayward, but I have conversed with a lot of them, and the ones who are in successful R's right now are the ones that were completely honest with their spouses. Most importantly, they don't regret being honest with them.

[JPMC]

She isn't going to tell her husband. You guys understand this, right? Your hearts are in the right place, but she will never get the courage to do it again.

 

Because of this, I'm trying to give her the route to take when she doesn't.

 

Do not contact your AP, don't look at him on social media, don't send breadcrumbs, nothing. Block him from everything, better yet, change email, phone number etc.

 

You'll feel better in 2 weeks, just accept the situation is hopeless.

[MuddyFootprints]

But I did end my affair. I know it's only been a few days, but this is after months of work and effort on my end. Lots of soul-searching and a decision. Yes, it is painful, but I knew it's what needed to happen. I can't pretend I'm not grieving or second-guessing myself, but I also have to think that's part of the normal process.

 

So at what point does my decision become real? Do I suddenly prove myself after a certain period of NC? I don't really understand. Or do you think it requires the second confession? What am I missing?

 

 

 

 

Reality happens when both spouses fully understand their own reality.

 

Withholding fragments of truth from your spouse keeps him from his reality.

 

You mourning the loss of the loss of a fantasy impacts your marriage and reconciliation attempts in a very real way.

 

Reality happens when you confront and address these issues openly.

 

Real pain, real remorse, and real work are crucial contributions to real reconciliation...

 

For both the betrayed and the wayward.

[jbrent890]

She isn't going to tell her husband. You guys understand this, right? Your hearts are in the right place, but she will never get the courage to do it again.

 

Because of this, I'm trying to give her the route to take when she doesn't.

 

Do not contact your AP, don't look at him on social media, don't send breadcrumbs, nothing. Block him from everything, better yet, change email, phone number etc.

 

You'll feel better in 2 weeks, just accept the situation is hopeless.

 

On the contrary, I think this woman has displayed a ton of courage. It takes courage to admit to strangers on the internet that you screwed up your marriage. It took courage for her to admit to her husband that she did cheat. I believe belly to bone that she will display that same courage in the future if that time comes. But all of that won't matter if she doesn't want to R. Right now I think all of us should focus on seeing if she wants to fight for this marriage.

 

Redbird, I believe strongly that you have the makings of being a remorseful wayward spouse. You have already exhibited qualities that most waywards don't ever present. That is rare to say the least. Needless to say, I would not be spending as much time on this thread if I didn't believe in you. I said it before and I will say it again, you can do this, but you have to want it not only for your husband, but for yourself as well.