Just ended my affair

[jbrent890]

She isn't going to tell her husband. You guys understand this, right? Your hearts are in the right place, but she will never get the courage to do it again.

 

Because of this, I'm trying to give her the route to take when she doesn't.

 

Do not contact your AP, don't look at him on social media, don't send breadcrumbs, nothing. Block him from everything, better yet, change email, phone number etc.

 

You'll feel better in 2 weeks, just accept the situation is hopeless.

 

And I just wanted to add, then I'm going to leave this thread alone for a little bit, this is a prime example as to why I tell most Betrayed not to R. You are just going to get lied to even more and this is coming straight from the horses mouth. What incentive does a betrayed spouse have to R if they are just going to get fed more lies? After the affair is revealed, if the WS can't bring themselves to be honest with their Betrayed, then whats the point?

[Redbird Fly]

On the contrary, I think this woman has displayed a ton of courage. It takes courage to admit to strangers on the internet that you screwed up your marriage. It took courage for her to admit to her husband that she did cheat. I believe belly to bone that she will display that same courage in the future if that time comes. But all of that won't matter if she doesn't want to R. Right now I think all of us should focus on seeing if she wants to fight for this marriage.

 

Redbird, I believe strongly that you have the makings of being a remorseful wayward spouse. You have already exhibited qualities that most waywards don't ever present. That is rare to say the least. Needless to say, I would not be spending as much time on this thread if I didn't believe in you. I said it before and I will say it again, you can do this, but you have to want it not only for your husband, but for yourself as well.

 

I will respond to the other comments on this thread when I can, but I wanted to thank you for this jbrent. I appreciate the time you have taken. I can tell you honestly that up until this point I had pretty much written off telling my husband about the resumption of the affair. But I am rethinking this based on everything you are saying, as well as others in this thread. I can't tell you that I am not absolutely scared out of my mind. But for the first time, it is on the table. It puts my heart up in my throat.

 

I see my IC on Tues. I am going to talk this out with her. I feel so unresolved and can't rest in my own mind.

[Josmatjes]

Yes, I had a D Day, a huge disaster. My husband doesn't know it continued. I know it's wrong. I've been trying to end it...I know "trying" doesn't cut it. It's been so complicated, just so much more difficult than I expected. We actually did immediately end it, and then we resumed contact, just communicated here and there, and then we saw each other a few times, and then firmly ended it "again" today. It's just been drawn out way too long.

 

He did not expose. My husband knows everything up to the point of D Day. I have been sincerely trying to end the affair. I don't know how to tell him more now.

 

Wow! This is what's happened to me also. Dday was a nightmare! But it continued on and off for awhile. I had so much trouble saying goodbye to someone i loved. And when it's not your choice it's even worse, even if it is for the best... I felt it was like a death and i grieved horribly. It was drawn out for me also but I'm kind of at the indifference stage now.

I think ending it is different for everyone. For me it just couldn't be cold turkey, it was a little here, a little there....like quiting smoking was for me! I'd have one every once in awhile and eventually I just lost the craving ....

When you are having an affair you are selling yourself short. You are not looking out for yourself. Real love doesn't need to hide in the shadows....

[jbrent890]

I will respond to the other comments on this thread when I can, but I wanted to thank you for this jbrent. I appreciate the time you have taken. I can tell you honestly that up until this point I had pretty much written off telling my husband about the resumption of the affair. But I am rethinking this based on everything you are saying, as well as others in this thread. I can't tell you that I am not absolutely scared out of my mind. But for the first time, it is on the table. It puts my heart up in my throat.

 

I see my IC on Tues. I am going to talk this out with her. I feel so unresolved and can't rest in my own mind.

 

No problem. And I'm glad that is on the table. Question though. When your affair continued, did it get physical again?

[Redbird Fly]

Wow! This is what's happened to me also. Dday was a nightmare! But it continued on and off for awhile. I had so much trouble saying goodbye to someone i loved. And when it's not your choice it's even worse, even if it is for the best... I felt it was like a death and i grieved horribly. It was drawn out for me also but I'm kind of at the indifference stage now.

I think ending it is different for everyone. For me it just couldn't be cold turkey, it was a little here, a little there....like quiting smoking was for me! I'd have one every once in awhile and eventually I just lost the craving ....

When you are having an affair you are selling yourself short. You are not looking out for yourself. Real love doesn't need to hide in the shadows....

 

How are you doing now? Do you feel like you were able to fully let your AP go? What do you think got you there? Does your husband know everything?

[Redbird Fly]

No problem. And I'm glad that is on the table. Question though. When your affair continued, did it get physical again?

 

Okay, so I promised myself that it would do me no good to come here and not tell the truth.

 

It did, a couple of times. I felt SO HORRIBLE that I told him I couldn't do it anymore. It was probably the first time I ever told him no for anything EVER. When I look back on my relationship with xMM, it really got pretty sad. Sex became the focus, the only thing that made me feel loved by him. So when I went back to him, it was in those weak moments...and of course, feeling weak and scared and unloved and insecure (by my H too), I also went THERE.

 

But in the last couple of months, as I really got my head together about making this totally end, I told him I was not going to do that anymore. And then I told him it was over.

 

So, yeah

[jbrent890]

Okay, so I promised myself that it would do me no good to come here and not tell the truth.

 

It did, a couple of times. I felt SO HORRIBLE that I told him I couldn't do it anymore. It was probably the first time I ever told him no for anything EVER. When I look back on my relationship with xMM, it really got pretty sad. Sex became the focus, the only thing that made me feel loved by him. So when I went back to him, it was in those weak moments...and of course, feeling weak and scared and unloved and insecure (by my H too), I also went THERE.

 

But in the last couple of months, as I really got my head together about making this totally end, I told him I was not going to do that anymore. And then I told him it was over.

 

So, yeah

 

Oh no Redbird. I was operating under the assumption that you guys were just sending messages back and forth. This changes things drastically. Breaking NC is one thing, having sex with your AP again is a whole new ball game. I see why you don't want to tell your husband. DKT is right, that revelation is more than likely going to end your marriage. I still stand by the fact that if you choose to R, your husband deserves to know. I look at it this way (and this will sound harsh, my apologies), you have taken enough from your husband. Taking his right to make an informed decision if he wants to R is just going to add to the selfish list of behaviors that you need to get rid of. However, there is something that you could do, which at this point I recommend and that is you be the bigger person and end your marriage. At the very least, if you choose to go down this route, you don't have to tell him about the continuation of your affair. I see no point in telling him if you are not going to help him heal. Listen, I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm not trying to beat you up, but I don't see your marriage surviving this. As it stands, any route that you choose, your husband looses. All I can say is that I hope and pray that you don't choose the third option of keeping this to yourself and trying to fix your marriage. At this point, I think you need to do whats best for your husband, and I don't think keeping him in the dark is doing him any favors. Please don't let this post think that I am giving up on you. But like I said, the fact that it got physical again really does change things.

Edited August 24, 2015 by jbrent890

[DKT3]

Oh no Redbird. I was operating under the assumption that you guys were just sending messages back and forth. This changes things drastically. Breaking NC is one thing, having sex with your AP again is a whole new ball game. I see why you don't want to tell your husband. DKT is right, that revelation is more than likely going to end your marriage. I still stand by the fact that if you choose to R, your husband deserves to know. I look at it this way (and this will sound harsh, my apologies), you have taken enough from your husband. Taking his right to make an informed decision if he wants to R is just going to add to the selfish list of behaviors that you need to get rid of. However, there is something that you could do, which at this point I recommend and that is you be the bigger person and end your marriage. At the very least, if you choose to go down this route, you don't have to tell him about the continuation of your affair. I see no point in telling him if you are not going to help him heal. Listen, I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm not trying to beat you up, but I don't see your marriage surviving this. As it stands, any route that you choose, your husband looses. All I can say is that I hope and pray that you don't choose the third option of keeping this to yourself and trying to fix your marriage. At this point, I think you need to do whats best for your husband, and I don't think keeping him in the dark is doing him any favors. Please don't let this post think that I am giving up on you. But like I said, the fact that it got physical again really does change things.

 

 

Yeah, I got the feeling early in her thread that for MM this was/is a pure "extra" sex on the side thing. I got this from the fact that she all but said she would ditch her husband in a heartbeat if MM was emotionally "available". She fell in love with him, he enjoyed the sex. Her cutting off sex would really end the affair. Redbird I expect you will try to defend this but really if you go back and read your posts I think you will see where I'm coming from.

 

You have to make a decision beyond words, it has to be one in your heart and shown through actions. Only then will you come through this one way or another.

[jbrent890]

Yeah, I got the feeling early in her thread that for MM this was/is a pure "extra" sex on the side thing. I got this from the fact that she all but said she would ditch her husband in a heartbeat if MM was emotionally "available". She fell in love with him, he enjoyed the sex. Her cutting off sex would really end the affair. Redbird I expect you will try to defend this but really if you go back and read your posts I think you will see where I'm coming from.

 

You have to make a decision beyond words, it has to be one in your heart and shown through actions. Only then will you come through this one way or another.

 

I got that sense too. Lets be real, this is the standard affair. The MM wants extra sex on the side and MW is swept away by someone new being attracted to her after being married for a long time. Question for you. Do you agree with my suggestion that she should possibly just be the bigger person and end the marriage. I truly do hate that suggestion because I really do like Redbird as a poster, but at the same time, I don't see that many redeeming qualities here. Her husband has been in a false R for months, the affair got physical again, and most importantly, she isn't even sure if she wants to stay married. I honestly think that would be the best route to take. Look at the alternatives. 1) She confesses to her husband and he more than likely ends the marriage anyway. Even if he doesn't, I don't see him bouncing back from that. 2) She keeps it to herself and tries to fix the marriage. I see that blowing up in her face for multiple reason. First, she doesn't know if he will find out about the continuation or not. Second, I think that guilt and the fear of him possibly finding out will keep her closed off from her husband, thus not causing her to properly R. In my opinion, sometimes the hardest decisions to make are the right ones. As it stands, I think she needs to sit her husband down and tell him that too damage has been done to the marriage and ending it is probably whats best for everyone involved.

Edited August 24, 2015 by jbrent890

[DKT3]

IDK Jbrent, I have two trains of thought. First, she isn't talking poorly about her husband so I think she is happy in her marriage, just simply wants MM more. So in that case I think time to clear her head and allow the "fog" to lift abit will put her in a better position to fight for her marriage. Secondly, not telling her husband now could cause her to push him away by closing off. This is what lovin did, she tried to avoid me, wouldn't really engage. Her reason being she thought doing so would give her away.

 

I think worse case, is doing nothing. Allowing it to pass and trying to rebuild on the secret. We have seen that fail right here on these pages. These things always seem to find its way to the surface be it 5, 10 or 20 years later.

 

I think if she walked away from her marriage now, it would be largely because she has it in her mind that MM will be divorced soon. She isn't picking her husband and marriage right now, she backed back into her marriage because deep down she knows MM isn't really an option. This is where her problem is in my opinion, not wanting to commit to cutting MM off because she is still holding the fantasy, this in turn prevents her from engaging fully in her marriage and will keep her stuck in limbo until her husband pulls the trigger and walks away.

[jbrent890]

IDK Jbrent, I have two trains of thought. First, she isn't talking poorly about her husband so I think she is happy in her marriage, just simply wants MM more. So in that case I think time to clear her head and allow the "fog" to lift abit will put her in a better position to fight for her marriage. Secondly, not telling her husband now could cause her to push him away by closing off. This is what lovin did, she tried to avoid me, wouldn't really engage. Her reason being she thought doing so would give her away.

 

I think worse case, is doing nothing. Allowing it to pass and trying to rebuild on the secret. We have seen that fail right here on these pages. These things always seem to find its way to the surface be it 5, 10 or 20 years later.

 

I think if she walked away from her marriage now, it would be largely because she has it in her mind that MM will be divorced soon. She isn't picking her husband and marriage right now, she backed back into her marriage because deep down she knows MM isn't really an option. This is where her problem is in my opinion, not wanting to commit to cutting MM off because she is still holding the fantasy, this in turn prevents her from engaging fully in her marriage and will keep her stuck in limbo until her husband pulls the trigger and walks away.

 

C'mon DKT. I think you and I both know that that man is not leaving his marriage. I bet my bottom dollar that he just told her that as a means to get her back into the affair. As sad as it is to say, I don't think he is going to leave his marriage. He is either going to try to find her replacement or he is going to try to establish contact again in future to draw her back in.

 

You right about a very huge thing though. Not once in this thread has she said one bad thing about her husband, which yes, leads me to believe that her marriage is not that bad. Like I said, I believe that this is just the standard MW affair. She got married young, been together for a while, the marriage got routine and lost passion, someone new came along that expressed interest, and they were off to the races. This to me is the most common type of affair that a MW has.

 

Redbird, I'm going to direct this post back towards you. If you don't mind me saying, I think both you and your husband made some huge errors. In terms of you, I think that you confessed too soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge believer in honesty. However, I think you confessed not because you wanted to fix the marriage, but out of guilt. I would even go so far to say that deep down, maybe you hoped your husband would pull the trigger and divorce you. When this didn't happen, you literally had no idea what to do. You weren't ready to fix your marriage, but you felt guilty about the affair. Your husband on the other hand made the mistake of trying to fix this marriage too soon. You haven't stated, but has your husband gave you in consequences. I'm not going to lie, from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like he has. Unless you were very careful in taking your affair underground after D Day, there should be no reason your husband should not have known you broke NC and resumed the affair. At the very least, he should be suspicious. If you don't mind me asking, what has your husband done since D Day?

Edited August 24, 2015 by jbrent890

[Redbird Fly]

C'mon DKT. I think you and I both know that that man is not leaving his marriage. I bet my bottom dollar that he just told her that as a means to get her back into the affair. As sad as it is to say, I don't think he is going to leave his marriage. He is either going to try to find her replacement or he is going to try to establish contact again in future to draw her back in.

 

You right about a very huge thing though. Not once in this thread has she said one bad thing about her husband, which yes, leads me to believe that her marriage is not that bad. Like I said, I believe that this is just the standard MW affair. She got married young, been together for a while, the marriage got routine and lost passion, someone new came along that expressed interest, and they were off to the races. This to me is the most common type of affair that a MW has.

 

Redbird, I'm going to direct this post back towards you. If you don't mind me saying, I think both you and your husband made some huge errors. In terms of you, I think that you confessed too soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge believer in honesty. However, I think you confessed not because you wanted to fix the marriage, but out of guilt. I would even go so far to say that deep down, maybe you hoped your husband would pull the trigger and divorce you. When this didn't happen, you literally had no idea what to do. You weren't ready to fix your marriage, but you felt guilty about the affair. Your husband on the other hand made the mistake of trying to fix this marriage too soon. You haven't stated, but has your husband gave you in consequences. I'm not going to lie, from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like he has. Unless you were very careful in taking your affair underground after D Day, there should be no reason your husband should not have known you broke NC and resumed the affair. At the very least, he should be suspicious. If you don't mind me asking, what has your husband done since D Day?

 

I think I confessed not only out of guilt and just desperation but also with the hope that it would help me end the affair. I felt like I couldn't get out without help.

 

Initially, I did get out of it. But when MM reached back out to me after some time passed, I allowed that crack to open. I offered my husband full transparency immediately. I suggested a GPS, I took the password off my phone, there was none on my computer. I took down my facebook account, all that stuff. But my husband didn't like the GPS, it made him nervous all the time. Eventually he said he needed to be able to trust me, that he just felt like he couldn't live that way. And then of course later, MM contacted me, after my H stopped watching me so closely.

 

As far as other consequences...there have been some which I feel like I can't outline in detail here, as they may be too personally identifying. But I'm curious what you mean exactly? I have made some pretty serious lifestyle changes as a result of my affair.

 

But then I got caught back in the spider web I guess. I feel stronger now but like a crap person. I hate to think I should just fold and tell my husband I've hurt us too much and we're done. He would be so baffled.

[ladydesigner]

Redbird Fly there is a chance your BS can discover the continued contact on his own. I caught my WH many times breaking NC. That in itself should be a good reason to tell him.

 

I would suggest ending the A for good and telling your BS what has happened up until now and hope that he is willing to give R another shot.

 

Or ending your M.

 

To continue the A is just more of the same dead end road.

[jbrent890]

I think I confessed not only out of guilt and just desperation but also with the hope that it would help me end the affair. I felt like I couldn't get out without help.

 

Initially, I did get out of it. But when MM reached back out to me after some time passed, I allowed that crack to open. I offered my husband full transparency immediately. I suggested a GPS, I took the password off my phone, there was none on my computer. I took down my facebook account, all that stuff. But my husband didn't like the GPS, it made him nervous all the time. Eventually he said he needed to be able to trust me, that he just felt like he couldn't live that way. And then of course later, MM contacted me, after my H stopped watching me so closely.

 

As far as other consequences...there have been some which I feel like I can't outline in detail here, as they may be too personally identifying. But I'm curious what you mean exactly? I have made some pretty serious lifestyle changes as a result of my affair.

 

But then I got caught back in the spider web I guess. I feel stronger now but like a crap person. I hate to think I should just fold and tell my husband I've hurt us too much and we're done. He would be so baffled.

 

You kind of answered my question. GPS, transparency, passwords, all that jazz. I really do understand where you husband is coming from in terms of just trusting you again, but at the same time, he is going to have to be more vigilant and proactive. The one thing I think your husband should have done was expose the affair to your AP's BW. That at least would have put an extra set of eyes of you two. However, I do understand why he chose not to. He probably felt that if he exposed it to her, she would leave him, and you would run off with your AP. A lot of betrayed operate under that mindset. But like I said, I don't see your MM leaving his marriage.

 

And I really do want to apologize for suggesting that you end the marriage. Please understand that I did not come to that conclusion likely. My feeling is this, I really don't see your husband giving you a third chance. You could possibly explain to him that at that point in time, you weren't ready to R, but I really don't know what he will decide to do.

 

Another worry that I have is that even though I strongly suggest you work out all of these issues in IC, if your counselor was like my wife's or the others out there, I think she is going to suggest that you keep this to yourself and attempt to go back to your marriage. You have to understand that IC's do whats best for YOU, not your husband or marriage. If she feels that you would benefit greatly by keeping this to yourself, she will steer you in that direction. Often times I suggest people find ICs that are also MCs because they try to take all parties into consideration.

 

If you you choose to go down that road, just know that you would not be the first wayward to do that, and you won't be the last. However, I'm going to use my life as example. A few years ago, my wife had a ONS. She wrestled with the fact of telling me because she knew cheating was a deal breaker for me. She only exposed herself to her sister and her IC. Both told her to live with guilt and keep it to herself. Well, 3 years later, I found out anyway. The point I'm trying to make is that if you decide to keep this to yourself, you never know when that information might come out. As DKT and Ladydesigner said, these things have a funny way of coming out at the worst possible times. All the work that my wife did over the last 3 years almost went out the window.

 

But, I still stand by my stance, that you are not going to go down that road. Yes, you faltered by falling back into your affair, but again, it took courage for you to confess the affair the first time and I think you will exhibit that same courage again if that time comes. After all, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior

Edited August 24, 2015 by jbrent890

[JPMC]

Again, don't tell him, other people on here are confusing themselves jumping to conclusions.

 

How can you tell someone to end their marriage and then retract? What dangerous advice.

 

I'd roll the dice and wouldn't tell him. Just stay on the straight and narrow. Less complicated that way.

 

Yes I've been in affairs just shut the other spigot off.

[jbrent890]

Again, don't tell him, other people on here are confusing themselves jumping to conclusions.

 

How can you tell someone to end their marriage and then retract? What dangerous advice.

 

I'd roll the dice and wouldn't tell him. Just stay on the straight and narrow. Less complicated that way.

 

Yes I've been in affairs just shut the other spigot off.

 

Again another hilarious post. What amazes me is that you can give the advice that you gave and then end with "yes I had multiple affairs." So obviously, you methods really aren't working you.

[DKT3]

Again, don't tell him, other people on here are confusing themselves jumping to conclusions.

 

How can you tell someone to end their marriage and then retract? What dangerous advice.

 

I'd roll the dice and wouldn't tell him. Just stay on the straight and narrow. Less complicated that way.

 

Yes I've been in affairs just shut the other spigot off.

 

Yeah, the problem is most people are good at heart even if they do bad things. One thing is clear to me about Red bird, the guilt would eat her alive. I don't believe she could move on a hold this secret. We have some WS's here that can do it with ease I don't think she is one. She is displaying a great deal of shame and remorse already.

[Horton]

I'd roll the dice and wouldn't tell him. Just stay on the straight and narrow. Less complicated that way.

 

Redbird, deceiving your husband into staying married to you under false pretenses and staying on the 'straight and narrow' are mutually exclusive concepts. You're standing at the proverbial fork in the road right now and you can either go left or right, but there is no middle path. You'll either become a decent and honest woman once again or you'll continue down the same path that has lead you here.

[JPMC]

Redbird, deceiving your husband into staying married to you under false pretenses and staying on the 'straight and narrow' are mutually exclusive concepts. You're standing at the proverbial fork in the road right now and you can either go left or right, but there is no middle path. You'll either become a decent and honest woman once again or you'll continue down the same path that has lead you here.

 

So are you trying to say people don't change? You can be a decent and honest woman by not getting involved with the affair anymore.

 

I also think Red Bird's husband won't end the marriage. It's just unnecessary pain for all.

 

DKT3, I do agree she has a conscience, but it won't eat her alive. It didn't eat her alive when she was physical with him.

 

I wouldn't tell, and I've only had one affair with the same woman twice. But if you insist on telling, wait a little bit. See how things are going, that you're ridding yourself of your AP.

[Horton]

So are you trying to say people don't change?

 

Of course she can change, that's why I said she's at the fork in the road and can go left or right. But continuing to be a liar isn't changing, it's just readjusting her priorities as it suits her which is what she's been doing up until now.

 

She decides that she wants the OM so she has an affair with him.

 

She decides she wants her husband so she lies about her affair to keep him.

 

That's not changing for the better that's the same exact selfishness that ushered all of this misery into her families life in the first place.

[Redbird Fly]

Oh, there is so much pain in all of this.

 

I guess maybe I had convinced myself that I had already fully crossed the line, and then already told him. I mean, I never sugar-coated anything. It was bad, a full-on affair, and he knows it. So I suppose in some ways I rationalized that not telling him about the additional contact, the continuation or resumption or whatever you want to call it...well, it wasn't news in the sense that I didn't do anything different than I had already done.

 

But I get it. I do. I understand that this is pretty damn huge.

 

I am scared...of not just losing my husband, but my children, my friends, my family...there are so many consequences. And these just aren't things you are thinking about in the middle of it all. For stupid feelings.

 

I really do want to get to a good place with my husband, or at least try. I feel like I haven't really tried, not long enough, not hard enough. I hear you on the possibility of IC not recommending disclosure. I've reached out to a local marriage counselor that does a "crisis" marriage therapy weekend. Maybe they can help guide us. There is one coming up in less than three weeks.

[jbrent890]

Oh, there is so much pain in all of this.

 

I guess maybe I had convinced myself that I had already fully crossed the line, and then already told him. I mean, I never sugar-coated anything. It was bad, a full-on affair, and he knows it. So I suppose in some ways I rationalized that not telling him about the additional contact, the continuation or resumption or whatever you want to call it...well, it wasn't news in the sense that I didn't do anything different than I had already done.

 

But I get it. I do. I understand that this is pretty damn huge.

 

I am scared...of not just losing my husband, but my children, my friends, my family...there are so many consequences. And these just aren't things you are thinking about in the middle of it all. For stupid feelings.

 

I really do want to get to a good place with my husband, or at least try. I feel like I haven't really tried, not long enough, not hard enough. I hear you on the possibility of IC not recommending disclosure. I've reached out to a local marriage counselor that does a "crisis" marriage therapy weekend. Maybe they can help guide us. There is one coming up in less than three weeks.

 

Redbird, thats awesome that you trying to find solutions to mend this. Really drive home the point to your husband that you believe strongly that you guys need the crisis therapy. I honestly believe that would be an excellent forum to be honest with him if you choose to do so. You might not see it yet, but the remorse is starting to come out. If you choose to confess, I really do hope your husband gives you another chance because I think you will take it and run with it (and this is coming from someone who is usually anti R). All you can do is keep being proactive about fixing yourself, then your marriage.

[Artie Lang]

i pretty much surmised that you indeed continued with the physical aspect when you resumed the affair. no surprise to me at all.

 

the problem was/is, your husband- for whatever reason -failed to inform this OM's wife. there was no exposure on his end and no consequences for him, if he did resume contact. that is why it is extremely important to expose the affair, especially to the other BS. there is no fallout on his end... he has nothing to lose.

 

 

as to JPMC's advice, i suggest you look over his thread and deduce why he is so adamant about "not telling." he has some serious issues concerning SA and serial cheating. he pretty much gave his wife a hall pass to absolve his guilt concerning his own cheating. that's pretty much all that i'll say about him and his issues.

 

 

like i said before, read up on the resources jbrent890 passed along to you and you'll see, that is NOT the way(keeping secrets) to repair a marriage after a bout of infidelity. i don't have to convince you... you, yourself, know it's true. who are you really protecting- your husband from further hurt; or yourself from the fallout? i pretty much know which one it is. i've read this script many times before.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Redbird Fly]

i pretty much surmised that you indeed continued with the physical aspect when you resumed the affair. no surprise to me at all.

 

the problem was/is, your husband- for whatever reason -failed to inform this OM's wife. there was no exposure on his end and no consequences for him, if he did resume contact. that is why it is extremely important to expose the affair, especially to the other BS. there is no fallout on his end... he has nothing to lose.

 

 

as to JPMC's advice, i suggest you look over his thread and deduce why he is so adamant about "not telling." he has some serious issues concerning SA and serial cheating. he pretty much gave his wife a hall pass to absolve his guilt concerning his own cheating. that's pretty much all that i'll say about him and his issues.

 

 

like i said before, read up on the resources jbrent890 passed along to you and you'll see, that is NOT the way(keeping secrets) to repair a marriage after a bout of infidelity. i don't have to convince you... you, yourself, know it's true. who are you really protecting- your husband from further hurt; or yourself from the fallout? i pretty much know which one it is. i've read this script many times before.

 

You've probably noticed that I didn't latch onto that advice, though I can appreciate everyone's contribution and time very much.

 

I didn't intend to hide anything on this thread about what happened when the affair resumed. I guess I just didn't feel the need to spell it out.

 

I have no doubt I am protecting myself. I guess I thought - perhaps wrong -that I was protecting us all.

[Redbird Fly]

Redbird, thats awesome that you trying to find solutions to mend this. Really drive home the point to your husband that you believe strongly that you guys need the crisis therapy. I honestly believe that would be an excellent forum to be honest with him if you choose to do so. You might not see it yet, but the remorse is starting to come out. If you choose to confess, I really do hope your husband gives you another chance because I think you will take it and run with it (and this is coming from someone who is usually anti R). All you can do is keep being proactive about fixing yourself, then your marriage.

 

Thank you...I will update on the status of the crisis therapy. This redbird is crying.