Just ended my affair

[Redbird Fly]

Just updating...

 

We are booked for the marriage therapy weekend in a few weeks.

 

One week NC today.

 

Thank you all...

[ladydesigner]

Just updating...

 

We are booked for the marriage therapy weekend in a few weeks.

 

One week NC today.

 

Thank you all...

 

That's great Redbird Fly on keeping up the NC! Wishing you peace and strength throughout this process. Hoping for the best for you!

[Artie Lang]

it's a start.

 

like jbrent890 pointed out, this maybe the place/forum to "lay it ALL out on the table" sort to speak.

[jbrent890]

Just updating...

 

We are booked for the marriage therapy weekend in a few weeks.

 

One week NC today.

 

Thank you all...

 

Redbird, you are making amazing progress. My advice is this, if you do plan on being honest with your husband and R is your goal, in the next few weeks leading up to the therapy weekend, you need need to show your husband that this time, you are serious about fixing the marriage. Buy some books and read them in front of him, make his favorite, try to make his life easier. I know its going to be hard to do with MM still on your mind, but if R is your goal, the next few weeks leading up to the weekend are going to be critical. Who knows, maybe with you focusing more on your husband, your thought process will focus less on your AP. Needless to say, good job so far. You don't see that many waywards like you, so its very refreshing to see.

[DKT3]

Redbird, you are making amazing progress. My advice is this, if you do plan on being honest with your husband and R is your goal, in the next few weeks leading up to the therapy weekend, you need need to show your husband that this time, you are serious about fixing the marriage. Buy some books and read them in front of him, make his favorite, try to make his life easier. I know its going to be hard to do with MM still on your mind, but if R is your goal, the next few weeks leading up to the weekend are going to be critical. Who knows, maybe with you focusing more on your husband, your thought process will focus less on your AP. Needless to say, good job so far. You don't see that many waywards like you, so its very refreshing to see.

 

Its a given, just as she pushed her husband away as she grew closer to AP it can work in reverse, the only problem is the guilt.

[NewLeaf512]

Well done on your progress. I'm in awe of your determination. Shore yourself up emotionally so you can ride the waves of upset that will be coming your way before you reach calm waters. You can do it!

[jbrent890]

Its a given, just as she pushed her husband away as she grew closer to AP it can work in reverse, the only problem is the guilt.

 

Its funny. This story has resonated a lot with me over the last few days, so I have been reading up on how to get rid of the fog and getting over the AP. You are right about one thing, everything I read by former waywards pointed to the same thing. The day that they actually wanted to stop thinking about their affairs and APs was the day they were able to start going all in to their marriages. If R is truly her goal, then she is going to have to want it. And not only that, as Tom Hanks said to Matt Damon in saving Private Ryan (one of my favorite movies), she is going to have to "earn it."

 

*side note: Redbird I never usually edit my posts before posting. I meant to say make is favorite meal. Haha, my apologies. I'm speedy gonzalez on my keyboard sometimes.

[Redbird Fly]

Its funny. This story has resonated a lot with me over the last few days, so I have been reading up on how to get rid of the fog and getting over the AP. You are right about one thing, everything I read by former waywards pointed to the same thing. The day that they actually wanted to stop thinking about their affairs and APs was the day they were able to start going all in to their marriages. If R is truly her goal, then she is going to have to want it. And not only that, as Tom Hanks said to Matt Damon in saving Private Ryan (one of my favorite movies), she is going to have to "earn it."

 

*side note: Redbird I never usually edit my posts before posting. I meant to say make is favorite meal. Haha, my apologies. I'm speedy gonzalez on my keyboard sometimes.

 

 

It's interesting that you say this.

 

I did spend a few days feeling sad. But after those few days, I started feeling really different. I had determined in advance that I was not going to reach out to the MM. It didn't really matter how I felt...I knew the feelings were going to pass and that mostly they were just false panic and fear, nothing I should actually heed. So I just let them wash over me and float away.

 

And now, frankly, I am pissed. And excited. And done. And strong. And so so sorry.

 

Maybe it took everything I've been through to get me to this state. But I am SO damn over this MM and this affair. Sure, I had feelings. I had a lot of feelings. It was a very emotional experience. But would I do it again? Hell no. It was also the worst experience of my life.

 

The MM took advantage of my feelings. He did a lot of things that caused me pain along the way, and he knew it and he took anyway. Maybe that's karma...maybe that's so I can somehow know my husband's pain, now that I 'get it.' Who knows. Interesting that not everyone in affairs gets this same karma. Interesting that the callous ones, the ones who do it cruelly don't seem to experience that much at all...it's only those with a conscience.

 

So I am angry at what I've done, at what I allowed MM to do, at what this has cost me and my husband, what it might still cost me. I am excited that I am finally really done and that I can move on with my life. I feel strong for the first time in two years. And now that I really am done, I can finally feel the pain of remorse...finally. I've been shielding myself all this time.

 

All I can do is start from here and be willing to take what comes. But I feel the least crazy I've felt in a long time

[malvern99]

Hi Red,

 

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. If he cheated on you, and you gave him the chance to try to repair the damage and to try to help you heal, wouldn't you want to know if he continued to betray you after DDay? Surely you would.

 

Determining whether or not to tell him about your further betrayal should not be hard. I would understand if you were asking for advice on how to tell him, but whether or not to tell should be a foregone conclusion. If you feel that you would deserve to know, then surely, you must extend the same courtesy to your husband. You made decisions you thought were in your best interests, now give you husband the dignity to make his own with accurate information.

 

I am pro R, but reconciliation can only work when both partners are 100% honest. Trickle truth and further lies kill more marriages than infidelity. I hate to sound so callous, but every day that passes that you do not tell him the full truth is another day you condemn your husband to live with infidelity, and that in my opinion, is cruel beyond words.

 

I know that you are afraid to come clean, but you sound like a good person who made terrible choices, and I would bet deep down inside you know what you need to do. Your husband may very well call it quits when you tell him, but we must live with the consequences of our actions.

 

Please do not go to the marriage therapy weekend without coming clean. That will be perceived as manipulation when the truth finally comes out, and that could blow up in your face. In order to give R a fair chance, you must let go of the outcome. The only person you can control is yourself. Use that control of self to enforce NC physically and above all emotionally. Focus on what is important to you (your family). Nothing else matters. I wish you well on your road to R.

[m.snow]

you and your husband need some counseling. you sound like a woman ready to cheat again.

 

may be your views on marriage and monogamy are different.

 

truth be told you sound like you have fallen out of love with your bh.

cause clearly you have little to no fear of your marriage failing.

don't you fear your husband would divorce you?

 

that you are worried more about yourself rather than what would happen to your family.

 

your husband seems to be being strung along. he sounds like you plan b.

since relationship with om not favorable long term?

[road]

How did you meet the OM? Do you work with the OM? Was it work related?

[jbrent890]

 

It's interesting that you say this.

 

I did spend a few days feeling sad. But after those few days, I started feeling really different. I had determined in advance that I was not going to reach out to the MM. It didn't really matter how I felt...I knew the feelings were going to pass and that mostly they were just false panic and fear, nothing I should actually heed. So I just let them wash over me and float away.

 

And now, frankly, I am pissed. And excited. And done. And strong. And so so sorry.

 

Maybe it took everything I've been through to get me to this state. But I am SO damn over this MM and this affair. Sure, I had feelings. I had a lot of feelings. It was a very emotional experience. But would I do it again? Hell no. It was also the worst experience of my life.

 

The MM took advantage of my feelings. He did a lot of things that caused me pain along the way, and he knew it and he took anyway. Maybe that's karma...maybe that's so I can somehow know my husband's pain, now that I 'get it.' Who knows. Interesting that not everyone in affairs gets this same karma. Interesting that the callous ones, the ones who do it cruelly don't seem to experience that much at all...it's only those with a conscience.

 

So I am angry at what I've done, at what I allowed MM to do, at what this has cost me and my husband, what it might still cost me. I am excited that I am finally really done and that I can move on with my life. I feel strong for the first time in two years. And now that I really am done, I can finally feel the pain of remorse...finally. I've been shielding myself all this time.

 

All I can do is start from here and be willing to take what comes. But I feel the least crazy I've felt in a long time

 

Again, there aren't that many waywards like you. I say this because most waywards are either too guilty or too stubborn to face what they did. That is one of the reasons why I am against R in most cases. Thankfully, I really do think that you have something to work with here. I think you are at a point now where if you want, you can fight for your marriage. Regardless of the outcome, keep working on bettering yourself. Like I said, you really are a breath of fresh air.

[jbrent890]

Also, I see they moved your thread to the infidelity section. As you can see, you are going to have to develop a thick skin here. Stay strong Redbird.

[ladydesigner]

Also, I see they moved your thread to the infidelity section. As you can see, you are going to have to develop a thick skin here. Stay strong Redbird.

 

Yep I thought the same after reading some of the last posts, which aren't helpful to the OP.

[ladydesigner]

(((Redbird Fly))) There is an ignore feature here if you do not care for some of the responses you read.

[Marc878]

 

It's interesting that you say this.

 

I did spend a few days feeling sad. But after those few days, I started feeling really different. I had determined in advance that I was not going to reach out to the MM. It didn't really matter how I felt...I knew the feelings were going to pass and that mostly they were just false panic and fear, nothing I should actually heed. So I just let them wash over me and float away.

 

And now, frankly, I am pissed. And excited. And done. And strong. And so so sorry.

 

Maybe it took everything I've been through to get me to this state. But I am SO damn over this MM and this affair. Sure, I had feelings. I had a lot of feelings. It was a very emotional experience. But would I do it again? Hell no. It was also the worst experience of my life.

 

The MM took advantage of my feelings. He did a lot of things that caused me pain along the way, and he knew it and he took anyway. Maybe that's karma...maybe that's so I can somehow know my husband's pain, now that I 'get it.' Who knows. Interesting that not everyone in affairs gets this same karma. Interesting that the callous ones, the ones who do it cruelly don't seem to experience that much at all...it's only those with a conscience.

 

So I am angry at what I've done, at what I allowed MM to do, at what this has cost me and my husband, what it might still cost me. I am excited that I am finally really done and that I can move on with my life. I feel strong for the first time in two years. And now that I really am done, I can finally feel the pain of remorse...finally. I've been shielding myself all this time.

 

All I can do is start from here and be willing to take what comes. But I feel the least crazy I've felt in a long time

 

Be honest with yourself. He only got what you gave him.

 

Hopefully you've learned from it?

[Redbird Fly]

Be honest with yourself. He only got what you gave him.

 

Hopefully you've learned from it?

 

I think I have been honest with myself. It seems my last post, where I actually expressed some anger and posted about moving forward, rubbed some people the wrong way.

 

I very much realize that none of this happened without my permission and participation. I take full responsibility for my part. There is just a lot to it that I can't post here, which, in retrospect, makes me realized how I allowed myself to be used. And it's shameful and degrading and very upsetting. For some reason it seems people are hearing that as me not being sad enough or remorseful or sorry or suddenly I am blaming the MM. It's just so far from the truth.

 

I have learned many hard lessons. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[road]

I think I have been honest with myself.

 

I have learned many hard lessons. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

 

Does this mean you can be honest with us?

 

 

How did you meet the OM?

[malvern99]

Also, I see they moved your thread to the infidelity section. As you can see, you are going to have to develop a thick skin here. Stay strong Redbird.

 

I am a long time lurker, and this site has helped me tremendously. Red's last post that in my opinion cast her as the victim of OM's advances was too much. She can not claim she "gets it" after a statement that tries hard to absolve her of the responsibility by blaming OM for "taking". A person who "gets it" must first acknowledge and own their culpability and must be willing to work tirelessly to find the root cause of whatever is/was within them that allowed them to make choices that "broke" the one they claim to love. I may be projecting here, and I apologize for that, but if this forum is a place to help people, then surely, we must all be allowed to tell our own truths regardless of how painful or mean spirited they may seem. I said what I said to try to get Red get out of her own head for one second to try and help her really see the absurdity of trying to hide the truth.

 

Red, I do not know you or your husband or your situation beyond what you have posted on this forum. What I do know though is that the truth will set you free. Some have advised you to keep your resumption of the affair to yourself, and as I am sure you can tell, I vehemently disagree. The fact that you are even entertaining withholding your new betrayals from your husband, who is the true victim here, tells me that you do not yet understand the hurt you have caused. Cheaters always say I will withhold the truth to protect my betrayed. The truth is the betrayed is already wounded whether he/she knows or not. Withholding the truth only twists the knife. You say you saw the pain on your husband's face when you confessed, yet you picked up where you left off with AP after DDay. Your words were along the line of how broken he was by the truth.

 

Am I then out of line to assume that your husband's pain has no meaning to you whatsoever? Am I crazy to assume that if AP called you right now and told you he wanted to make a go of it with you, you would drop your husband in a heartbeat? Am I a bad person if I think you should be worrying more about your H than your AP an yourself? If the answer to any of these is yes, then please don't hesitate to say so.

 

Your words say that you want to reconcile. Your actions however, both your resumption of the affair and not telling your H the truth say the complete opposite. Words are wind. Actions however tell all that needs to be told. Again, I wish you well, but you can not seriously consider R while you are withholding the truth. Surely if you have any love for your H, you would do for him what you would want him to do for you.

Edited August 29, 2015 by malvern99

[jbrent890]

I am a long time lurker, and this site has helped me tremendously. Red's last post that in my opinion cast her as the victim of OM's advances was too much. She can not claim she "gets it" after a statement that tries hard to absolve her of the responsibility by blaming OM for "taking". A person who "gets it" must first acknowledge and own their culpability and must be willing to work tirelessly to find the root cause of whatever is/was within them that allowed them to make choices that "broke" the one they claim to love. I may be projecting here, and I apologize for that, but if this forum is a place to help people, then surely, we must all be allowed to tell our own truths regardless of how painful or mean spirited they may seem. I said what I said to try to get Red get out of her own head for one second to try and help her really see the absurdity of trying to hide the truth.

 

Red, I do not know you or your husband or your situation beyond what you have posted on this forum. What I do know though is that the truth will set you free. Some have advised you to keep your resumption of the affair to yourself, and as I am sure you can tell, I vehemently disagree. The fact that you are even entertaining withholding your new betrayals from your husband, who is the true victim here, tells me that you do not yet understand the hurt you have caused. Cheaters always say I will withhold the truth to protect my betrayed. The truth is the betrayed is already wounded whether he/she knows or not. Withholding the truth only twists the knife. You say you saw the pain on your husband's face when you confessed, yet you picked up where you left off with AP after DDay. Your words were along the line of how broken he was by the truth.

 

Am I then out of line to assume that your husband's pain has no meaning to you whatsoever? Am I crazy to assume that if AP called you right now and told you he wanted to make a go of it with you, you would drop your husband in a heartbeat? Am I a bad person if I think you should be worrying more about your H than your AP an yourself? If the answer to any of these is yes, then please don't hesitate to say so.

 

Your words say that you want to reconcile. Your actions however, both your resumption of the affair and not telling your H the truth say the complete opposite. Words are wind. Actions however tell all that needs to be told. Again, I wish you well, but you can not seriously consider R while you are withholding the truth. Surely if you have any love for your H, you would do for him what you would want him to do for you.

 

The thing is that its a process. Since she started posting here, Redbird has made amazing progress. Originally, her confessing the resumption of the affair wasn't even on the table. Now, she just scheduled a crisis marriage therapy session. Personally, I don't think she would have scheduled that session if she didn't plan on being honest with her husband. Heck, there have been multiple posters in this thread that told her to keep this to herself. Usually on this site, when waywards see those posts, they stick to them like bees with honey. Thats not the case her. Per her words, she appreciates everyone's input, but she didn't hold on to those posts. Trust me, I have been here a while and the ones that say they won't confess say that right off the bat and you are not able to change their minds. In my opinion, Redbird is different then a lot of other waywards. Yes, she fell back into her affair. But at that time, she wasn't ready to fix her marriage. Now I think she is. I have a feeling that she is going to prove a lot of the naysayers on this thread wrong.

[Redbird Fly]

Does this mean you can be honest with us?

 

 

How did you meet the OM?

 

Yes...

 

I am (was) going back to school. We met there, though he is not a student. I took some time off and now we're trying to figure out what to do.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Redbird Fly

[Artie Lang]

I took some time off and now we're trying to figure out what to do.

 

i'm confused here. are you saying you're still in contact with him and are actively trying to minimize the fallout for the both of you, because that's what it sounds like?

 

 

if i may ask, was the subject about informing his wife ever discussed? she really needs and deserves to know the truth.

[Marc878]

I do wish you and your husband the best.

 

Honesty with yourself is very important.

 

Once down this road makes it impossible to ever get back to where you were before.

 

You may survive but you'll both be changed forever. The trust probably will never be 100% as it was before.

 

Reconciling is sometimes harder than divorce.

 

Some can live with it and some can't.

 

It'll take a couple years maybe more to put your lives back together.

 

But do you really want it? Words are easy to say but it's going to be tons of work.

[jbrent890]

i'm confused here. are you saying you're still in contact with him and are actively trying to minimize the fallout for the both of you, because that's what it sounds like?

 

 

if i may ask, was the subject about informing his wife ever discussed? she really needs and deserves to know the truth.

 

I think she meant (and feel free to correct me Redbird) that since this happened while she was at school, she is taking a break from school to figure out if her husband is comfortable with her going back there. That school or her going to school in general maybe a trigger for her husband. In terms of coming clean to the OBS, lets get her to be honest with her husband first, then we can cross that bridge. This really needs to be a one step at a time thing.

[Artie Lang]

with all do respect jbrent890, i think she is perfectly capable of answering both questions herself. nobody here is interrogating her.

 

as to the subject concerning the other BS, i was simply asking if her husband ever broached the subject of exposing this OM's infidelity, and/or why it wasn't. this is indeed one of the principle first steps- exposure to OBS. she deserves to know. this is one of the main reasons this man resumed contact with the OP. he didn't face any consequences, so there was nothing to lose on his end. the brunt of the initial fallout was experienced by Redbird Fly and her BS.