Horton Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I get the feeling you're gonna tell your husband about the continued contact with the OM while leaving out the physical part cause you think that'll be his deal breaker. I hope I'm wrong about that. A half truth confession will only make things more complicated down the road as you try and keep all of your lies straight. Best to just lay all your cards on the table and accept whatever the outcome is with grace and humility IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) Like I said, Redbird confessed at a time when she was not ready to fight for the marriage. She wanted the affair to be over with, but at the same time, she was not sure if she actually wanted to be in the marriage at the time. My guess is that she had a solid marriage, but it lacked passion and became routine. The affair for her was a passion fest. The guilt of the affair was killing her, but at the same time, she didn't know if she could go back to a routine marriage. There have been a lot of waywards here that have felt the same way. In terms of her falling back into her affair, like I said, she was not ready to heal the marriage. Dealing with her husband's anger and depression must have taken a toll on her. MM was the only constant thing that made her feel good the last few years. So when he reached out, she went back in because she probably thought it would make her feel good. Instead, it had the exact opposite effect. So basically what happened in your opinion is she wanted to end the affair without committing to her marriage, so she confessed it and strung her H along on the off chance she would be willing and able to recommit to the marriage at some point in the future? If that is the case, that is cruel beyond words. Every day between her first confession and her second confession has been and will be a day stolen from her H who could have used these days to try and heal himself and move on from this nightmare. Instead, he has been stuck in a false R while his wife has been busy sticking more knives in his back by continuing the affair. And IMO, until she comes clean, the affair is still alive and well. Why should her H suffer the fate of being plan B, while Red works through her "love and attachment" (her words, not mine) for her POSOM? I really hope you are right that Red has finally turned the corner, but color me skeptical. Nothing has changed between round 1 and round 2. Red still exhibits wayward thinking. Trying to ambush her H at this marriage counselling weekend with the truth is just a symptom of that wayward thinking. The fact that she can look her H in the face and withhold the new life altering details of her fresh betrayals is very telling. That tells me that she is still more worried about herself and POSOM than she is about her H. As DKT3 pointed out, until her H is number 1 in that equation, attempted R is of no use. All the MC in the world could not help if she is still deep in the affair and exhibiting wayward thinking. Red must work on herself first to determine what she wants, then she must work on the reasons she was able to do what she did. Only then, can she even begin to work on her marriage, if that is what she wants. Edited August 30, 2015 by malvern99 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 So basically what happened in your opinion is she wanted to end the affair without committing to her marriage, so she confessed it and strung her H along on the off chance she would be willing and able to recommit to the marriage at some point in the future? If that is the case, that is cruel beyond words. Every day between her first confession and her second confession has been and will be a day stolen from her H who could have used these days to try and heal himself and move on from this nightmare. Instead, he has been stuck in a false R while his wife has been busy sticking more knives in his back by continuing the affair. And IMO, until she comes clean, the affair is still alive and well. Why should her H suffer the fate of being plan B, while Red works through her "love and attachment" (her words, not mine) for her POSOM? I really hope you are right that Red has finally turned the corner, but color me skeptical. Nothing has changed between round 1 and round 2. Red still exhibits wayward thinking. Trying to ambush her H at this marriage counselling weekend with the truth is just a symptom of that wayward thinking. The fact that she can look her H in the face and withhold the new life altering details of her fresh betrayals is very telling. That tells me that she is still more worried about herself and POSOM than she is about her H. As DKT3 pointed out, until her H is number 1 in that equation, attempted R is of no use. All the MC in the world could not help if she is still deep in the affair and exhibiting wayward thinking. Red must work on herself first to determine what she wants, then she must work on the reasons she was able to do what she did. Only then, can she even begin to work on her marriage, if that is what she wants. I hate speaking for her, so this will be my last post about this. No, I think that when she confessed, she hoped that it would both end the affair and also hopefully bring back feelings for her husband. Sadly, for a lot of women in affairs, it does not work that way. As DKT eluded to in his post, most women can't compartmentalize these things as well as most men can. For a lot of women, their Affairs are "instead of" as opposed to "in addition to." For years she convinced herself that she was not in love with her husband. Remember her first post? She said that she hasn't been in love with anyone as much as her AP (probably feels differently now). For women, its hard to just go back to their marriages after their affairs. They essentially have to fall in love with their husbands again. This process can take months, which is why I believe a lot of men pull the trigger when they try to R. Its just too painful for them. I think it is even harder for waywards to fall back in love with their spouses due to the betrayed being constantly angry and depressed (Not a knock on the betrayed. They have every right to have those feelings). For the first couple of months (sometimes years), the wayward is the enemy. R is tough and the wayward really needs to be able to endure both their pain and their spouse's pain. Sadly, a lot can't. Redbird is not the first spouse I have encountered to fall back into their affair because of this. Heck, I have seen plenty of waywards pull the trigger on R themselves because they can't deal with the guilt. Personally, I have come to believe that spouses should not immediately R when affairs are revealed. I think the wayward needs time to detox from the affair and the betrayed needs to process everything. When it is all said and done, they should then go back and see if R is possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I hear you J. At the end of the day, this thread is meant to help Red, and that is what I want to do. A variety of perspectives will help her make the decisions she feels she needs to make. Lastly, Red, the only reason I posted on your thread was and is because I want to help you. I read your words and I feel your anguish and confusion. If you were unrepentant, I would not waste my time. Heck, I don't know you from a can of paint. That said, from your posts, I sense a desire to do the right thing. You just lack the courage (no shame in that), and if words from strangers on the internet can nudge you in the right direction, then do not automatically recoil from perspectives, as tempting as that may be, that you may feel are disrespectful, hurtful, judgmental or anything else. Most people who would take the time to add their 2 cents to other people's threads do so to help them, not harm them. Keep an open mind, and allow the experiences of others to help guide your future decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redbird Fly Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Like I said, Redbird confessed at a time when she was not ready to fight for the marriage. She wanted the affair to be over with, but at the same time, she was not sure if she actually wanted to be in the marriage at the time. My guess is that she had a solid marriage, but it lacked passion and became routine. The affair for her was a passion fest. The guilt of the affair was killing her, but at the same time, she didn't know if she could go back to a routine marriage. There have been a lot of waywards here that have felt the same way. In terms of her falling back into her affair, like I said, she was not ready to heal the marriage. Dealing with her husband's anger and depression must have taken a toll on her. MM was the only constant thing that made her feel good the last few years. So when he reached out, she went back in because she probably thought it would make her feel good. Instead, it had the exact opposite effect. You articulated this very well - hit the nail on the head actually. And jbrent? Thank you. You've helped me more than you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 This is a tough one all around. I can definitely see it from this point of view. That if she tells at the crisis session, it will probably make her husband feel ganged up on. But at the same time, it could help to have a neutral third party there to guide the conversation. But maybe your right. Perhaps she just needs to rip the bandaid off. I can't imagine her husband will be in any frame of mind to participate in counselling once hearing the news. He deserves time to process and decide if this is something he wants to repair. Imagine being closed away for the weekend on hearing that kind of news. Her husband should be able to choose his own support, his own counsellor and process things his own way. Not be set up for the weekend and forced to endure someone else's idea of healing. OP is still deciding for him. Classic wayward mindset. The way OP is going about this like she's STILL trying to influence the outcome and control the situation by controlling the flow of information.. Do you think the presence of a counsellor will change the impact or even his initial reaction? I know I'd feel like a caged animal. And I'd feel I was brought there under false pretenses. its time to stop deciding her husbands life for him. Let him choose for himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 He wanted to...he was so enraged when I told him, he intended to tell her. Then we went to our church for help and our pastor advised that we NOT tell her. That it would be seeking revenge or that God would take care of it or that we should stay away from them. All of the above. So my husband decided not to. Bad advice from the Pastor, but I don't suppose he's experienced with infidelity. He's advising you to conceal the truth and I question how good a Pastor he truly is. Having said that, I've known many pastors and vicars have affairs themselves, so who knows his motives. Telling her wouldn't be revenge, it's the decent thing to do, especially considering she could be at risk of Std's and it allows her to make an informed decision on the future of her marriage. That's been taken away from her right now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Redbird Fly there is only one way to proceed, and that is brutal honesty for all parties involved. That's it, that is all of it. Whatever happens after that happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I hate speaking for her, so this will be my last post about this. No, I think that when she confessed, she hoped that it would both end the affair and also hopefully bring back feelings for her husband. Sadly, for a lot of women in affairs, it does not work that way. As DKT eluded to in his post, most women can't compartmentalize these things as well as most men can. For a lot of women, their Affairs are "instead of" as opposed to "in addition to." For years she convinced herself that she was not in love with her husband. Remember her first post? She said that she hasn't been in love with anyone as much as her AP (probably feels differently now). For women, its hard to just go back to their marriages after their affairs. They essentially have to fall in love with their husbands again. This process can take months, which is why I believe a lot of men pull the trigger when they try to R. Its just too painful for them. I think it is even harder for waywards to fall back in love with their spouses due to the betrayed being constantly angry and depressed (Not a knock on the betrayed. They have every right to have those feelings). For the first couple of months (sometimes years), the wayward is the enemy. R is tough and the wayward really needs to be able to endure both their pain and their spouse's pain. Sadly, a lot can't. Redbird is not the first spouse I have encountered to fall back into their affair because of this. Heck, I have seen plenty of waywards pull the trigger on R themselves because they can't deal with the guilt. Personally, I have come to believe that spouses should not immediately R when affairs are revealed. I think the wayward needs time to detox from the affair and the betrayed needs to process everything. When it is all said and done, they should then go back and see if R is possible. REALLY good post! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You articulated this very well - hit the nail on the head actually. And jbrent? Thank you. You've helped me more than you know. Your welcome. Just remember that you can come here for support. How are things going btw? Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I can't imagine her husband will be in any frame of mind to participate in counselling once hearing the news. He deserves time to process and decide if this is something he wants to repair. Imagine being closed away for the weekend on hearing that kind of news. Her husband should be able to choose his own support, his own counsellor and process things his own way. Not be set up for the weekend and forced to endure someone else's idea of healing. OP is still deciding for him. Classic wayward mindset. The way OP is going about this like she's STILL trying to influence the outcome and control the situation by controlling the flow of information.. Do you think the presence of a counsellor will change the impact or even his initial reaction? I know I'd feel like a caged animal. And I'd feel I was brought there under false pretenses. its time to stop deciding her husbands life for him. Let him choose for himself. Like I said, it was never going to be easy, but I am starting to see things from this perspective. Maybe it is just best to sit him down and let him know what happened, but also show that she has this session lined up if decides that what he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What concrete steps (actions) have you taken to help your H heal Red? Have you read Glass's Not "Just Friends" or MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"? If you have not, and if you feel you are truly sincere about repairing your M and helping you H heal, then that may be a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 How are you doing Red? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redbird Fly Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 How are you doing Red? I admittedly shrank back from this forum a bit...overwhelmed by some of the posts on my thread. I've reached out to the counselors who are running the therapy weekend to get their advice. I don't want to "ambush" my husband but it would be terrible if we didn't go because of the new information. I am going to see if they advise to discuss everything with him before the weekend, during, or after (with the tools we are given). Otherwise, I am doing okay. I feel stronger every day. Absolute no contact and I don't want it any other way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 just wanna say, it takes a lot of moxi to come back to the forums and update your situation as it unfolds. good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redbird Fly Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Well, I just told him. TBD... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Well, I just told him. TBD... No matter what happens you've just taken the biggest step toward an authenic life. Just stay honest, don't hold anything back get it all out (as much as he wants to know), so he doesn't start filling in the blanks. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 IMO you did the right thing Red. I am rooting for you. Let go of the outcome, and please make sure you take care of yourself, because the following days/weeks will be difficult. You and your family are in my prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Well, I just told him. TBD... Red, regardless of the outcome, I'm proud of you. You took a step that most waywards would not have. All you can do at this point is be honest with him and let him decide whats next. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Red, regardless of the outcome, I'm proud of you. You took a step that most waywards would not have. All you can do at this point is be honest with him and let him decide whats next. Stay strong. x2. I think you did the right thing. Best of luck to you red. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redbird Fly Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Could certainly use your supportive thoughts. This is awful. Crawling in a hole seems better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mn_bowhunter Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Redbird, You did the right thing. As a BH, there is nothing worse than the deceit. As much as it hurts, you should do everything possible to help ease any insecurities your H has. My WS is not, and it's making my life hell. You did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Total support here. It is rarely easy doing the right thing. We admire your courage and hope it gets better for you and your H!!! Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” - Anais Nin You have done a very courageous thing, and regardless of the consequences, if you maintain the path you are on now, you will emerge on the other side stronger than when you went in. Sending you strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Dwade Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Well shoutout to you for telling as 90% of cheaters are clowns and won't admit to anything. At least you have a better shot of him staying so best of luck to ya. Link to post Share on other sites
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