Just ended my affair

[autumnnight]

I have answered your questions throughout this thread but I will try again.

 

First, I was not making decisions using logic. Have you ever done that before? Made decisions without really thinking them through? On irrational emotions?

 

Secondly, when I went back, it was after the initial trauma had died down and I had sunk into a deep depression. MMs words were like a warm blanket to me after the pain of the ordeal. Was it right? No way. It just looked like a welcome break from the bed of thorns I had at home (of my own creation).

 

I am not excusing what I did. It's just what happened and I have to deal with it differently this time if my husband wants to.

 

As to your last question - no, I told him everything.

 

Redbird, never lose sight of this: In the end there is ONE man - only one - to whom you are accountable. That man is your husband. Don't let the deluge that sometimes happens on forums (understandably) cloud your vision of who you are really responsible to.

[DKT3]

How you handled things to this point is done, you can't go back and change it. I think its best for you to move past that and start putting your focus towards what's next.

 

I've mentioned your mindset before and I honestly believe that is where you will stuggle. You are still thinking like the woman that is still cheating on her husband.

 

From what you've wrote here (and maybe I'm alone in my thinking) I get the impression that your husband is an emotionally unstable monster that at time makes you fear for your families safety. That he abused you to the point that you felt you had no other option but to return to your affair as a safety net.. Now I don't for one second believe that, but its the impression you give.

 

Secondly, you make everything seem as if its out of your control. Hoping that therapy will fix it, saying you will show him if "he allows it". Its all a mindset, that is what you need to change. Thoughtout all of this, the one thing you aren't is a victim. This didn't happen to you, you did it. A happy future for you won't just happen (be it with or without your husband) you have to make it happen by becoming a healthy happy person from within. Your husband can't allow you to do this, he can't be the source of your happiness. Sure he can add to it but create it. Maybe you had some major issue before the affair, but with the same mindset you have the same ways of coping with it so the same results will happen. Its like stepping off your back porch walking 5 steps and falling into a hole, then thinking you can do the same thing and not fall into the hole next time.

 

Take ownership and control of the direction your life goes.

[Zenstudent]

So, how are you going to become a safe partner to be with? And why should your husband believe you?

[harrybrown]

If you are going to affair recovery or some other counseling, I do hope you think about the kids.

 

You and your H may not be able to make it. I know that I couldn't take the continued deception and the fact that someone that loves a spouse would not do this if they really loved their spouse.

 

Do try to take ownership of your decision to drop a bomb again on your family. Your H may not be a good man or be romantic, but his self-esteem in very low now that he has been the backup plan again.

 

But this will impact the kids. Do not try to put them in the middle of the situation.

Hopefully you and your H can try to coparent together, even if your H decides to divorce.

 

Please, if you do divorce, do not bring the OM around your kids. Do not try to have him replace their father.

 

The OM should always be in your past and not in your kids future. He is not a good person to be around your kids. Hopefully you do not have daughters that he would be around.

 

Good luck in your future. I do hope someday your H will find peace. It is a real rotten experience to have your spouse choose someone else instead of you. He may get over it in a few years after he has moved on.

 

I do hope you will find help in the weekend counseling. Before your next relationship, do take time to work on boundaries.

 

Wishing you and your family all the luck in the future.

[Redbird Fly]

I don't know what to say anymore. I am done answering the same questions over and over.

 

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.

 

I am still no contact with the MM. I am still married. That's all I really know.

 

I feel sad, confused, overwhelmed, angry. I don't know what I'm angry at.

 

DKT, you keep talking about my mindset and I don't even know what it is. You keep telling me what I'm thinking about. I don't know how you do that when I'm not even clear on what to do next. How do you know what's in my head when I don't?

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. Everyone here tells me all these things I should be doing and feeling when I don't know if I can even manage my own thoughts and feelings.

 

BTW, I did not make my H out to be some monster. That was not my intention. I am just going to stop posting here if everything I say will be projected upon in the way the reader wants rather than the spirit it was written.

[Morro72]

...If you have a spouse who desires to tell but the offended spouse does not provide that forum, it may never happen. It's too damn scary. I'm not talking about removing the right to get angry or even walk out and never look back. But just providing 10 or 20 minutes where we can speak and get it all out and I won't be punished for speaking in the moment and he will hear me. And once the truth is on the table, we will take it from there.

I hope you can find counselors - third parties who aren't wrapped up in the situation - who can provide that sort of safe psychological space. Under the best of circumstances it's difficult to be in the situation and also to stand outside of it and view it objectively. And as you know, these are not the best of circumstances.

 

Do as much as you can, but don't break yourselves trying to do more than you can.

[Bigdaddyt]

I don't know what to say anymore. I am done answering the same questions over and over.

 

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.

 

I am still no contact with the MM. I am still married. That's all I really know.

 

I feel sad, confused, overwhelmed, angry. I don't know what I'm angry at.

 

DKT, you keep talking about my mindset and I don't even know what it is. You keep telling me what I'm thinking about. I don't know how you do that when I'm not even clear on what to do next. How do you know what's in my head when I don't?

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. Everyone here tells me all these things I should be doing and feeling when I don't know if I can even manage my own thoughts and feelings.

 

BTW, I did not make my H out to be some monster. That was not my intention. I am just going to stop posting here if everything I say will be projected upon in the way the reader wants rather than the spirit it was written.

 

Redbird, calm down, your emotions are very much raw right now. You are in a tough place in that you are in pain and so is your husband and you really aren't in a position of emotional strength to help him and yourself. Talk to your husband and tell him where you are at and tell him you are working your way to helping him recover. Do not let the posters get you frazzled almost all of them have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes we all hate what sounds like the truth because we have to face it.

[Artie Lang]

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. Everyone here tells me all these things I should be doing and feeling when I don't know if I can even manage my own thoughts and feelings.

 

you're doing the best you can.

 

you said you were gonna tell him; and you did. this is a difficult time for you and your family- one step at a time.

[DKT3]

I don't know what to say anymore. I am done answering the same questions over and over.

 

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.

 

I am still no contact with the MM. I am still married. That's all I really know.

 

I feel sad, confused, overwhelmed, angry. I don't know what I'm angry at.

 

DKT, you keep talking about my mindset and I don't even know what it is. You keep telling me what I'm thinking about. I don't know how you do that when I'm not even clear on what to do next. How do you know what's in my head when I don't?

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. Everyone here tells me all these things I should be doing and feeling when I don't know if I can even manage my own thoughts and feelings.

 

BTW, I did not make my H out to be some monster. That was not my intention. I am just going to stop posting here if everything I say will be projected upon in the way the reader wants rather than the spirit it was written.

 

Your mindset (or what your thinking) bleeds through your words, focus and actions. Right now you have your focus on your pain when it should be on your husband. How this is affecting you, instead of how its affecting him. Your trying to control his reactions instead of taking control of your actions. In my last post, I said that I didn't think you believed your husband was a monster, but that is how its coming off.

 

 

Hang around, my fWW also posts here. She took a beatting when she first came. I watched her cry and breakdown from the things that were being said to her here. I would get mad and defend her. In the end she came to understand how what she said and did is seen by others, the honest reactions to her words and behavior. Its different then what she thought of herself and what those close to her would say (having a vested interest for her well being beyond what was best for our relationship). She grew a lot from it. To the point that it forced me to focus on my end of our issues.

 

I think this place can be tough because the posters here will cut through all the crap and fluff, expose you to the person your looking at in the mirror. That sh*t can be hard to take, because we don't often see or truly understand what we are doing.

 

You can do this, if its truly what you want. But there is no easy way, its hard painful sh*t and you have to go through it.

[bigman1]

Red,

 

This is a horribly emotional and life altering time. You should be a mess right now. Posting on a thread populated by mostly betrayed spouses is hard. You are gonna get hit hard and very little sympathy. That is just the way this section operates. Not a good or bad thing, just the way it is.

 

You did seem to suggest that your husband was a real threat to you physically. I'm not sure what spirit you intended, but if when I read your words, I thought, "gee, this lady cheated on some whacked out dude that she knew would harm her, himself and family." I figured that you would be a news story and I could figure out who you were. Really, go back and read what you wrote.

 

Still, if this board is tough, well, I'm not sure how you are gonna handle what is going to happen at home, assuming your BH is the emotional type.

 

As to your mindset, I can't speculate. We can only glean from what you write. In the end, this is a tough gauntlet to run. I don't blame you for backing out. Of course, you are going to need a real counselor to help you with all of the issues that you raised, will raise, or have with held. No anonymous internet chat board is ever going to offer that type of help.

[autumnnight]

I don't know what to say anymore. I am done answering the same questions over and over.

 

I don't know who I am or what I'm doing.

 

I am still no contact with the MM. I am still married. That's all I really know.

 

I feel sad, confused, overwhelmed, angry. I don't know what I'm angry at.

 

DKT, you keep talking about my mindset and I don't even know what it is. You keep telling me what I'm thinking about. I don't know how you do that when I'm not even clear on what to do next. How do you know what's in my head when I don't?

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. Everyone here tells me all these things I should be doing and feeling when I don't know if I can even manage my own thoughts and feelings.

 

BTW, I did not make my H out to be some monster. That was not my intention. I am just going to stop posting here if everything I say will be projected upon in the way the reader wants rather than the spirit it was written.

 

Your responsibility is to yourself and your BH. And just like everyone who has ever been on a plane knows - you cannot help your husband if your own oxygen mask isn't on.

 

Remember, your story is YOUR story....don't let it become anyone else's.

[Shai00]

Redbird,

 

I have recently been caught in an affair, there were feelings involved. I was also in a dark place, didn't know who I was or who I had become. I am no expert in this at all... I go every day through my own emotion as well as see the one man that loved me more than life hurt and cry. I say this...... You owe your husband the truth. Not a small truth but the whole truth. No matter how scared you are. If you truly want your marriage to work he needs to know everything. You can not start/continue a marriage without truth. You need truth so that he can build his trust in you. The one thing I have learned through all of this is that my husband doesn't owe me anything. I owe him everything. During my affair I threw away all connection with my husband and also my children. I became someone I didn't like myself. Through all of my mistakes I am learning so much from my husband. Ahead of us we will have hard days but I will always say I'm sorry and do my best to be the best wife to my husband and mom to my children. Just remember if you want your husband he needs you 100% if your not willing you need a divorce. Its not fair to him. I wish you all the best.

[Redbird Fly]

Harrybrown, I just wanted to thank you for your thoughtful reply, even if I may not agree with some of it (hopeful I don't get to divorce).

 

Bigdaddyt - you seem so kind. Thank you. I wish your WW could see what she has in you.

 

I feel like I am such a disaster that I am in no place to do anything for anybody. What I wonder is, how do people get through this in order to get to reconciliation? Or does the plug get pulled now, while everyone is still just a weak puddle of nothing?

[Redbird Fly]

Your responsibility is to yourself and your BH. And just like everyone who has ever been on a plane knows - you cannot help your husband if your own oxygen mask isn't on.

 

Remember, your story is YOUR story....don't let it become anyone else's.

 

Thank you...thank you.

[autumnnight]

Harrybrown, I just wanted to thank you for your thoughtful reply, even if I may not agree with some of it (hopeful I don't get to divorce).

 

Bigdaddyt - you seem so kind. Thank you. I wish your WW could see what she has in you.

 

I feel like I am such a disaster that I am in no place to do anything for anybody. What I wonder is, how do people get through this in order to get to reconciliation? Or does the plug get pulled now, while everyone is still just a weak puddle of nothing?

 

I think, though it is unfair, that most of this depends on the BS. The WS has already dropped the bomb on the marriage, and other than being completely honest and humble, they cannot undo what they did.

 

So the aftermath and how.....fireworky it gets pretty much depends on how the BS chooses to deal with it. It isn't fair to the BS, but a BS who can think in the wake of D-Day usually fares better than one whose only objective is scorching the earth. It sucks, but that is what I have observed.

 

The hardest situation is when the BS doesn't go scorched earth at the time, but ends up wishing they did later.

[aliveagain]

I think, though it is unfair, that most of this depends on the BS. The WS has already dropped the bomb on the marriage, and other than being completely honest and humble, they cannot undo what they did.

 

So the aftermath and how.....fireworky it gets pretty much depends on how the BS chooses to deal with it. It isn't fair to the BS, but a BS who can think in the wake of D-Day usually fares better than one whose only objective is scorching the earth. It sucks, but that is what I have observed.

 

The hardest situation is when the BS doesn't go scorched earth at the time, but ends up wishing they did later.

 

 

This happens a lot because the betrayed spouse is in shock when they learn the truth. Hearing it for the second time is no less painful then the first time. Trust me on this point the pain is the same. They eventually recover and it may take a month a year or 5 years but they will eventually recover. The outcome is a direct result of the work put in by the cheating spouse. You have a fixed amount of time to prove your worth the effort. Your husband is looking at you like you have a disease right now. I make that statement not because I am trying to hurt you but because it is the truth. Get tested, show him the results. give him the space that he needs. He needs to restake his territory, let him be the lead, no joke.

[autumnnight]

[/b]

 

This happens a lot because the betrayed spouse is in shock when they learn the truth. Hearing it for the second time is no less painful then the first time. Trust me on this point the pain is the same. They eventually recover and it may take a month a year or 5 years but they will eventually recover. The outcome is a direct result of the work put in by the cheating spouse. You have a fixed amount of time to prove your worth the effort. Your husband is looking at you like you have a disease right now. I make that statement not because I am trying to hurt you but because it is the truth. Get tested, show him the results. give him the space that he needs. He needs to restake his territory, let him be the lead, no joke.

 

I agree with everything you said, but I would posit that what I bolded is only part of the story. I know FWS who did everything but crawl across broken glass and burning coals, and the BS refused to see them as anything but dirt....permanently.

 

The OP is very early in this. I can only hope that her husband has the character to leave if he knows he cannot see her as a person of equal value at some point.

[malvern99]

Sometimes faceless nameless strangers are better equipped to offer unvarnished truth from their perspective. Take what you find helpful and leave the rest. I don't think people comment with malicious intent. They may say some things which are hard to hear (true or not), but it's on the thread starter to decide what to internalize and what to ignore.

 

IMO posts that seem angry or judgmental should be used as peepholes into your BS's mindset. Don't take them personally. That's easier said than done, but at the end of the day, those are the people you should be engaging, asking them what their WS's did or didn't to do to help them heal. There is a deep well of wisdom here at your disposal. Whether you tap into it or not is completely up to you.

[autumnnight]

those are the people you should be engaging, asking them what their WS's did or didn't to do to help them heal. There is a deep well of wisdom here at your disposal. Whether you tap into it or not is completely up to you.

 

This is a good point. Find the people who truly, lovingly, authentically reconciled, who are at peace with their spouse as a valuable person, and ask them how they got there. What did the FWS do to help that happen? Those steps can help you as well.

 

Unvarnished truth is hard to come by; our own experiences and what we still hang onto from them can make it difficult not to be "varnished," but there ARE people who have come out the other side and live in the present with an eye toward the future. Ask for their wisdom.

[m.snow]

this is just to recent.

just setting your expectations right.

R takes months even a year or two.

 

to me,

you've done great so far as to tell the truth.

we are not experts in this that's why you need counseling.

 

that was really most of what was needed from you, the truth.

 

if you look at most cheating stories here.

most bs found out first before ws confession.

its rare that ws would confess first out of " true guilt"

 

"true guilt" is something that most way-wards lack

 

to me that speaks volumes. its not step forward but leap forward in fixing yourself and your relationships.

Edited September 9, 2015 by m.snow

[Redbird Fly]

I need wisdom. I am looking for it in all of these posts and finding it in many.

 

I am a very broken person at the moment.

[malvern99]

Take a deep breath Red, and hold your chin up. You will get through this. Control the only factors in your situation that you can. That is yourself and how you react to events as they unfold. There are many people rooting for you to succeed.

 

I am not a therapist so take this with a giant grain of salt. I don't believe people are broken. We all have our own crosses to bear. No one is perfect. It's just that sometimes when people are faced with certain stressors, they just make terrible decisions or a series of terrible decisions due to poor coping mechanisms. In this process, they lose a sense of themselves, and therefore, act out out of character. The only way back to self IME, is to confront the root cause of those poor coping mechanisms and in the process, adjust them. This takes an enormous amount of courage, and it tends to be a long journey.

 

What made me decide to stay with my WW was seeing the consistent effort she put into finding herself again. Being apologetic and remorseful was not near enough. As I've said before, words are easy, but consistent action is very hard. It was her tireless effort to understand what she had done, how it affected me, our family and our day to day lives. She was willing to answer all my questions multiple times without complaint. I rode that roller coaster of emotions. She was next to me every step of the way, even when I pushed her away, even when I was not a nice person to be around. She worked her tail of, and it was only through that did I see how much she wanted to stay with me.

 

It was only after some time that I had a sort of epiphany. I had vowed to love this woman through sickness and health. I had never stopped loving her even though she had wounded me deeply. That combined with the fact she had worked so hard to uncover her "why" led me to believe we had a chance. The fact that she confessed and did not TT also helped immensely. I doubt I could have entertained R if she had piled more lies on top of what she had already done.

 

That is just my brief story. I hope it helps some.

Edited September 9, 2015 by malvern99
ETA

[Bigdaddyt]

I need wisdom. I am looking for it in all of these posts and finding it in many.

 

I am a very broken person at the moment.

 

Redbird, God doesn't put more on you than you can bear, you are at your lowest point, now there is no where to go but up. Find it in yourself to be strong, forgive yourself first that is half of the battle.

[autumnnight]

What made me decide to stay with my WW was seeing the consistent effort she put into finding herself again. Being apologetic and remorseful was not near enough. As I've said before, words are easy, but consistent action is very hard. It was her tireless effort to understand what she had done, how it affected me, our family and our day to day lives. She was willing to answer all my questions multiple times without complaint. I rode that roller coaster of emotions. She was next to me every step of the way, even when I pushed her away, even when I was not a nice person to be around. She worked her tail of, and it was only through that did I see how much she wanted to stay with me.

 

Very good stuff. And keep in mind, Redbird, this takes TIME. Sometimes we forget that instant transformation is not a thing. It is a process. You do not make a bad choice, feel guilt, and then become perfect. Recovery is not a straight line for the BS OR the WS. And really, all you can do is the best you can do at that moment on that day. If you know that you know you are doing that, then do NOT ruminate on the fear, the weight, or the naysaying. Just keep being a better you and a better wife.

[ladydesigner]

That's what I mean. If you have a spouse who desires to tell but the offended spouse does not provide that forum, it may never happen. It's too damn scary. I'm not talking about removing the right to get angry or even walk out and never look back. But just providing 10 or 20 minutes where we can speak and get it all out and I won't be punished for speaking in the moment and he will hear me. And once the truth is on the table, we will take it from there.

 

I am a BS who absolutely lost her **** on Dday. I went scorched earth and hung my WH and MOW out to dry (although they got me back later when they took their A underground).

 

My WH probably felt very much like you because I was never calm enough to have a discussion about his A for a loooong time. I'm sure I helped contribute to my WH waffling on the fence during his A with MOW. Now it's been 3 years since initial Dday and 1 year out from False R and only now am I able to discuss his A without any emotions attached to it. I am on the extreme end for a BS though

 

I have to agree with what you are saying, especially those of us who have conflict avoidant spouses. I wish I could have been calm for 10-20 minutes, but it just wasn't possible for me. I'm not sure how a BS can not react, I think it is in the person's personality make-up.