Just ended my affair

[harrybrown]

Hope you and your H are having productive talks now.

 

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[Threwmyselfintowork]

I respect you for laying your self out there looking for advice and I hope that you and your husband can start your marriage over but do him a huge favor and stay faithful to him yes we are human and we all make mistakes he is stronger than some but let me say what you did by the afair is he may always look at you with a little distrust and a little disappointment you can be forgiven but it won't be forgotten

[Bigdaddyt]

Redbird, I just wanted to reach out to you and see how you are making out? Are you and your husband talking to each other? I would spend as much family time together as possible, I think that this will help you both see things more clearly. Are you still going on the marriage retreat? Don't put things off it makes them worse, just say and do what you need to. Ask your husband what he needs from you to heal. This process will also heal you. Hang in there the unknown is only scary until it becomes known.

[Redbird Fly]

Hi BDT, thank you for reaching out. Yes, I'm hanging in there. There's much more to this story that I don't feel comfortable putting out on the internet, but suffice to say it adds to the pain that I feel and probably causes me to have some difficulty being as strong as I need to. The "affair" was a really weird situation. I guess that's all I feel I can say.

 

So yes, I am just hanging on with all I've got and my H and I are still going to the marriage weekend, very soon in fact.

 

I also wanted to thank Malvern for offering your story...that is brave of you and good for you for working to put your marriage back together. I can imagine how difficult it's been.

 

Autumnight and Harrybrown, thank you for your support. There are more, m.snow, you have also offered some kind words. I know I'm forgetting some.

 

jbrent, dkt, others that have consistently reached out to me. I appreciate it.

 

Alive, I can see how much you've been hurt. I read your story on BDT's thread and I am horrified for you. Your posts to me were like daggers, jarring. Just sharing that feedback. I am sorry for what you've been through.

 

I have to put myself back together.

[Bigdaddyt]

Hi BDT, thank you for reaching out. Yes, I'm hanging in there. There's much more to this story that I don't feel comfortable putting out on the internet, but suffice to say it adds to the pain that I feel and probably causes me to have some difficulty being as strong as I need to. The "affair" was a really weird situation. I guess that's all I feel I can say.

 

So yes, I am just hanging on with all I've got and my H and I are still going to the marriage weekend, very soon in fact.

 

I also wanted to thank Malvern for offering your story...that is brave of you and good for you for working to put your marriage back together. I can imagine how difficult it's been.

 

Autumnight and Harrybrown, thank you for your support. There are more, m.snow, you have also offered some kind words. I know I'm forgetting some.

 

jbrent, dkt, others that have consistently reached out to me. I appreciate it.

 

Alive, I can see how much you've been hurt. I read your story on BDT's thread and I am horrified for you. Your posts to me were like daggers, jarring. Just sharing that feedback. I am sorry for what you've been through.

 

I have to put myself back together.

Redbird, I am glad that you didn't run off from LS or your family. There is always so much more to any story, including mine. I shared probably too much, but I found it very therapeutic for me. Share what you are comfortable with and if the questions get to be too much here you don't have to answer.

 

Eventhough I am divorcing I am a strong supporter to reconciliation , but you have to be brutally honest with both your husband and yourself . The big question is what do you truly want and what are you doing to get there. I would also warn against separation if you are working towards R. I am starting to like being alone.

[jbrent890]

Hi BDT, thank you for reaching out. Yes, I'm hanging in there. There's much more to this story that I don't feel comfortable putting out on the internet, but suffice to say it adds to the pain that I feel and probably causes me to have some difficulty being as strong as I need to. The "affair" was a really weird situation. I guess that's all I feel I can say.

 

So yes, I am just hanging on with all I've got and my H and I are still going to the marriage weekend, very soon in fact.

 

I also wanted to thank Malvern for offering your story...that is brave of you and good for you for working to put your marriage back together. I can imagine how difficult it's been.

 

Autumnight and Harrybrown, thank you for your support. There are more, m.snow, you have also offered some kind words. I know I'm forgetting some.

 

jbrent, dkt, others that have consistently reached out to me. I appreciate it.

 

Alive, I can see how much you've been hurt. I read your story on BDT's thread and I am horrified for you. Your posts to me were like daggers, jarring. Just sharing that feedback. I am sorry for what you've been through.

 

I have to put myself back together.

 

Redbird you are doing great. I know its rough and it might get rougher, but continue what you are doing, which is hanging in there. If I may offer a piece of advice, before the MC session, make a list of things that you think that you could do to make your husband feel more comfortable in the marriage. My wife did this in before our first MC session, and I was quite surprised that I did not have to take the lead on that. As the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words."

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think that you should look at your first couple of posts and the last few posts and I think you will see that you have made great strides, even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. You have remained NC, you and your husband are trying to salvage the relationship, you and your husband are seeking outside assistance to fix the problems. All of these are very good things and you both need a pat on the back. Will you to make it? Naturally I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t say that you two will be successful, but you two are trying to make it work and that is enough for now. Do not dwell on the naysayers, you have enough negative karma without heaping more on your plate. Trying to work through the problems in the marriage seem very overwhelming right now. It is kind of like the old story “How do you eat an Elephant sandwich?” and the answer is “one bite at a time”. I think you two need to have dates where you don’t talk about your problems, just two people enjoying each other’s company. Hang in there, I am rooting for you.

[Redbird Fly]

I think that you should look at your first couple of posts and the last few posts and I think you will see that you have made great strides, even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. You have remained NC, you and your husband are trying to salvage the relationship, you and your husband are seeking outside assistance to fix the problems. All of these are very good things and you both need a pat on the back. Will you to make it? Naturally I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t say that you two will be successful, but you two are trying to make it work and that is enough for now. Do not dwell on the naysayers, you have enough negative karma without heaping more on your plate. Trying to work through the problems in the marriage seem very overwhelming right now. It is kind of like the old story “How do you eat an Elephant sandwich?” and the answer is “one bite at a time”. I think you two need to have dates where you don’t talk about your problems, just two people enjoying each other’s company. Hang in there, I am rooting for you.

 

Thank you...I just logged in for the first time in several days. H and I are talking a LOT and hashing things out. I feel more and more disconnected from the MM, like I can't even imagine going back. Getting more full on that elephant sandwich

[aliveagain]

Thank you...I just logged in for the first time in several days. H and I are talking a LOT and hashing things out. I feel more and more disconnected from the MM, like I can't even imagine going back. Getting more full on that elephant sandwich

 

 

This would not have happened if you still had secrets from your husband, the elephant would always be in the room and O/M would that over your head. When everything is on the table you both know what your dealing with and the truth is an absolute necessity with the disconnect process. I know you don't agree with my statement but to a betrayed spouse any secret kept from them keeps your affair alive. Until it's brought to light the potential for pain is always there no matter when the truth is learned. Great progress.

[Bigdaddyt]

Thank you...I just logged in for the first time in several days. H and I are talking a LOT and hashing things out. I feel more and more disconnected from the MM, like I can't even imagine going back. Getting more full on that elephant sandwich

 

Redbird, you are doing great cut the OM completely out of your life and don't look back. I would send him a letter of no contact via certified mail . Let your husband help you write it. Everyday it will become easier and your decision clearer. Remember that the other man is just a lying user, don't fall in his trap again.

[m.snow]

its still is important for the OM to be outed. someone is still suffering though OMW.

 

careful of fishing. OM still out there he knows alot about you and your weaknesses.

 

they always always comeback. they know WW is an easy catch.

 

i suggest give password of emails & facebook to bh.

[malvern99]

Hi Red. It's good to hear that you and your H are talking through this. I really am rooting for you, because from your first couple of posts, I could sense that you really wanted to do the right thing, and you took a giant leap in that direction. Now the truly hard work starts. Members of these forum are here to help you, so keep posting. Completely excise OM from your life (block him on all social media, change your phone number and email add if you have to etc.). Keep communicating with your H, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard. Do not shut down in the face of his anger as tempting as it may feel.

 

Stay consistent and over a long time trust will eventually begin to return. I like to think of trust as a bank. By being, honest, open, consistent and following through on what you tell your H you will do over the long term, you will be making small deposits into the trust bank. Keep yourself out of situations that will lead you to making withdrawals from the trust bank, and you will be fine. Remember, whatever happens, you did the right thing and regardless of the outcome, you will emerge a stronger better version of yourself. I forget, are you in IC? Stay strong.

[Redbird Fly]

Hi Red. It's good to hear that you and your H are talking through this. I really am rooting for you, because from your first couple of posts, I could sense that you really wanted to do the right thing, and you took a giant leap in that direction. Now the truly hard work starts. Members of these forum are here to help you, so keep posting. Completely excise OM from your life (block him on all social media, change your phone number and email add if you have to etc.). Keep communicating with your H, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard. Do not shut down in the face of his anger as tempting as it may feel.

 

Stay consistent and over a long time trust will eventually begin to return. I like to think of trust as a bank. By being, honest, open, consistent and following through on what you tell your H you will do over the long term, you will be making small deposits into the trust bank. Keep yourself out of situations that will lead you to making withdrawals from the trust bank, and you will be fine. Remember, whatever happens, you did the right thing and regardless of the outcome, you will emerge a stronger better version of yourself. I forget, are you in IC? Stay strong.

 

Thank you...yes, I am in IC. MM is totally blocked and I am transparent on all that stuff with my H. I've done everything he's asked and then some.

 

It's interesting. I guess I'm beginning to see the MM in a new light. This is a person I nearly allowed to destroy my family. He was not special; he was harmful. He was not just willing to sneak around with me - he pushed for it. And even after he saw the damage it had done, saw the pain I was in, even when I told him I needed it to be over, he continued to come back for his own gratification.

 

There is nothing honorable in it. It's disgusting. I never want to go there again. I want to protect my marriage, make my husband feel safe, and hold him up and respect him like the man that he is.

 

Dammit.

[66Charger]

All I have to say is Wow. One of the best post I have read in a long time. Best of luck to you Miss Lady.

[kgcolonel]

This is awesome!!! Wish every WS could find their way like you have!:

[TX-SC]

Thank you...yes, I am in IC. MM is totally blocked and I am transparent on all that stuff with my H. I've done everything he's asked and then some.

 

It's interesting. I guess I'm beginning to see the MM in a new light. This is a person I nearly allowed to destroy my family. He was not special; he was harmful. He was not just willing to sneak around with me - he pushed for it. And even after he saw the damage it had done, saw the pain I was in, even when I told him I needed it to be over, he continued to come back for his own gratification.

 

There is nothing honorable in it. It's disgusting. I never want to go there again. I want to protect my marriage, make my husband feel safe, and hold him up and respect him like the man that he is.

 

Dammit.

 

Good for you. I am so happy to see that your head is clear and you are making the right choices!

[Shinebrightforever]

Redbird Fly...

You are amazing! Keep going, keep strong. Your post and the way you have righted your path is inspiring to me. Way to have courage and the fight to face this. Thinking of you.

[bigman1]

Where is your BH's head right now? How is he feeling about this whole thing?

 

I give you credit on your new realizations, especially given what you wrote in your first post. You seemed to suggest that it was hard to leave MM but you sort of had to, almost reluctantly. I'm not pouncing on you, just noting progress.

 

While I think that waywards don't deserve their marriage anymore, I concede that they can earn back a chance to be considered again as relationship material. That is up to their spouse. I figure in your case, before you can fully commit to your husband and really figure out all that has to be analyzed, your first step is to see MM for what he is and always was. Therefore, your posts are very positive.

 

You are going to have to really come to grips on who you were and are. You did "love" and conspire with MM against your H, so you have to own your part and it is not that you were deceived or manipulated. As MM's true nature comes clear, so too must yours. That won't be pleasant.

 

Since there is no particular order that you have to address these matters in, kudos to you for being where you are!

[harrybrown]

Redbird-

 

When will your H be getting some help?

 

I hope soon. It is devastating for him right now. He has hurt, anger, rage and loss of self-esteem.

 

Hope you two can get with that marriage weekend soon. I do hope it helps.

 

He will have to go thru it, and it will take some time.

 

keep making good new memories together when he can handle it.

[sammy7111]

Try stop blaming the other man and take your own respoabilty

[Bigdaddyt]

Redbird, I believe that you are coming out of the fog and seeing the POSOM for what he truly is. in time you will need to accept responsibility for this affair and work on yourself to affair proof your new marriage with your husband. All things considered you are doing well.

[kgcolonel]

Redbird,

 

Stay focused on your H. Be attentive to both, what he will need to recover and what your M will need to be the M you and he both will want for the rest of your lives. Build on the future and learn from the past......from what I see, you are doing great.

[malvern99]

What's going on Red? How are you holding up?

[Bigdaddyt]

Redbird, I hope that you and your husband are working towards reconciliation . Let us know your progress. I think you will find that LS will provide you with both good counsel and tough love, embrace them both.