Just ended my affair

[malvern99]

The thing is that its a process. Since she started posting here, Redbird has made amazing progress. Originally, her confessing the resumption of the affair wasn't even on the table. Now, she just scheduled a crisis marriage therapy session. Personally, I don't think she would have scheduled that session if she didn't plan on being honest with her husband. Heck, there have been multiple posters in this thread that told her to keep this to herself. Usually on this site, when waywards see those posts, they stick to them like bees with honey. Thats not the case her. Per her words, she appreciates everyone's input, but she didn't hold on to those posts. Trust me, I have been here a while and the ones that say they won't confess say that right off the bat and you are not able to change their minds. In my opinion, Redbird is different then a lot of other waywards. Yes, she fell back into her affair. But at that time, she wasn't ready to fix her marriage. Now I think she is. I have a feeling that she is going to prove a lot of the naysayers on this thread wrong.

 

I don't mean to jack this thread.

 

Red is not some sort of special snowflake. No offense Red. She is a cheating spouse who pooped on her husband after DDay, and continues to do so until the moment she gives her H the dignity due any human being. Many waywards wish they had the chance she had to repair themselves, their marriages and their families. Red was given that chance and pissed it away. Surely, if any poster here were her BS, they would deserve to know the truth wouldn't they?

 

Treating her like she is special does her no favors. When her H finds out about her post DDay betrayals, and he will at some point (maybe tomorrow, 5, 10 15 yrs from now), words from strangers on the internet coddling her abhorrent behavior will be little comfort. She may say the right things, but for a person in her situation, words without actions as as useless a tits on a bull. I'm sure Red understands that.

 

How many times did you ask for forgiveness Red? How often did you apologize? Even while you were still seeing and sleeping with your paramour after DDay. How does your H deal with the mind movies? The emasculation? The shame. Even though he is not responsible for your affair, he is the most injured party. Talk about a poop sandwich. How does your H deal with the crying episodes? You may not have seen them, but they are there. How about the lack of trust caused by your affair? I only ask these questions to reinforce the fact that your words mean nothing. I am willing to bet you cried, begged and apologized profusely, yet when OM reached out again, you were all too willing to get back together.

 

R is possible, but not without the cold hard truth. Anything else is a waste of time in the long run.

 

You see Red. This is not about you. When you get it, you will realize that. Your pain may be real to you, but please step outside yourself. See your H's pain, but then again, only a remorseful spouse can see that. I am sorry, but I do not think you know what remorse is yet. You are full of regret, and are still too caught up in your own feelings to even consider someone else.

[Redbird Fly]

i'm confused here. are you saying you're still in contact with him and are actively trying to minimize the fallout for the both of you, because that's what it sounds like?

 

 

if i may ask, was the subject about informing his wife ever discussed? she really needs and deserves to know the truth.

 

No, "we" is my husband and I. I am not in school for now, so as not to be around the MM. I am taking a break while we try to figure out how to proceed.

 

My husband thought about informing his wife, yes. He made the decision not to initially, although I don't know if he will change his mind about that...

[Artie Lang]

i see. that was what i was confused about- the "we."

 

what was his reason for not informing his wife, if i may further inquire?

 

 

OP, please don't take my questioning as a form of interrogation. i just want to get a clearer picture of your situation.

[Redbird Fly]

I don't mean to jack this thread.

 

Red is not some sort of special snowflake. No offense Red. She is a cheating spouse who pooped on her husband after DDay, and continues to do so until the moment she gives her H the dignity due any human being. Many waywards wish they had the chance she had to repair themselves, their marriages and their families. Red was given that chance and pissed it away. Surely, if any poster here were her BS, they would deserve to know the truth wouldn't they?

 

Treating her like she is special does her no favors. When her H finds out about her post DDay betrayals, and he will at some point (maybe tomorrow, 5, 10 15 yrs from now), words from strangers on the internet coddling her abhorrent behavior will be little comfort. She may say the right things, but for a person in her situation, words without actions as as useless a tits on a bull. I'm sure Red understands that.

 

How many times did you ask for forgiveness Red? How often did you apologize? Even while you were still seeing and sleeping with your paramour after DDay. How does your H deal with the mind movies? The emasculation? The shame. Even though he is not responsible for your affair, he is the most injured party. Talk about a poop sandwich. How does your H deal with the crying episodes? You may not have seen them, but they are there. How about the lack of trust caused by your affair? I only ask these questions to reinforce the fact that your words mean nothing. I am willing to bet you cried, begged and apologized profusely, yet when OM reached out again, you were all too willing to get back together.

 

R is possible, but not without the cold hard truth. Anything else is a waste of time in the long run.

 

You see Red. This is not about you. When you get it, you will realize that. Your pain may be real to you, but please step outside yourself. See your H's pain, but then again, only a remorseful spouse can see that. I am sorry, but I do not think you know what remorse is yet. You are full of regret, and are still too caught up in your own feelings to even consider someone else.

 

 

 

I appreciate the advice if it's well-intentioned. But you have said some awfully presumptuous things, and appear to be projecting your own pain and experience onto my situation. I guess I'm not sure where this is coming from.

[malvern99]

I may be projecting and presuming Red, and if I am forgive me. My only issue with you that you say you want to reconcile, but you are not willing to come clean. Without truth, R is a farce.

 

I would love to help you R Red. Just not based on dishonesty. Everyone thinks their A is special, yet when they pull it out into the cold light of day, they are all the same.

 

Look, if what I say is hurtful, please ignore me. I know you are in pain, but my contention that your H's pain is worse than yours still stands. At the end of the day, he is the real victim here, and until you recognize that, I am not convinces reconciliation that sticks is on the cards.

[Redbird Fly]

i see. that was what i was confused about- the "we."

 

what was his reason for not informing his wife, if i may further inquire?

 

 

OP, please don't take my questioning as a form of interrogation. i just want to get a clearer picture of your situation.

 

He wanted to...he was so enraged when I told him, he intended to tell her.

 

Then we went to our church for help and our pastor advised that we NOT tell her. That it would be seeking revenge or that God would take care of it or that we should stay away from them. All of the above. So my husband decided not to.

[jbrent890]

with all do respect jbrent890, i think she is perfectly capable of answering both questions herself. nobody here is interrogating her.

 

as to the subject concerning the other BS, i was simply asking if her husband ever broached the subject of exposing this OM's infidelity, and/or why it wasn't. this is indeed one of the principle first steps- exposure to OBS. she deserves to know. this is one of the main reasons this man resumed contact with the OP. he didn't face any consequences, so there was nothing to lose on his end. the brunt of the initial fallout was experienced by Redbird Fly and her BS.

 

My bad bro. I wasnt' trying to interject. I was just offering you my take on what she said. Trust me, I don't think you were interrogating her. I actually get accused of that a lot on this site and nothing frustrates me more. Trust me Artie, I got nothing but respect for you bro.

[Redbird Fly]

I may be projecting and presuming Red, and if I am forgive me. My only issue with you that you say you want to reconcile, but you are not willing to come clean. Without truth, R is a farce.

 

I would love to help you R Red. Just not based on dishonesty. Everyone thinks their A is special, yet when they pull it out into the cold light of day, they are all the same.

 

Look, if what I say is hurtful, please ignore me. I know you are in pain, but my contention that your H's pain is worse than yours still stands. At the end of the day, he is the real victim here, and until you recognize that, I am not convinces reconciliation that sticks is on the cards.

 

I didn't say I'm unwilling to be honest. I confessed my affair originally, ended it, then allowed it to resume after it had been over for some time, when the MM contacted me. I regret it deeply. I have totally ended this "second round," if you will, which I consider to be final. I admitted when I started posting that I truly did not originally consider confessing to the second round. It seemed almost pointless. I know from a BH perspective that must seem insane. From mine, it just felt like it was the same mud, different day. I get that it's wrong, I'm just trying to explain how I felt.

 

However having posted here, seeing what others are sharing, reading about this, I am beginning to sense that honesty may be my only real way out. I found a marriage "crisis" therapy weekend and booked it for us in hopes that they can guide me and us in this. Right now, that is my plan. It is in just a couple of weeks.

 

I never once questioned that my H is the victim. I know.

[jbrent890]

I don't mean to jack this thread.

 

Red is not some sort of special snowflake. No offense Red. She is a cheating spouse who pooped on her husband after DDay, and continues to do so until the moment she gives her H the dignity due any human being. Many waywards wish they had the chance she had to repair themselves, their marriages and their families. Red was given that chance and pissed it away. Surely, if any poster here were her BS, they would deserve to know the truth wouldn't they?

 

Treating her like she is special does her no favors. When her H finds out about her post DDay betrayals, and he will at some point (maybe tomorrow, 5, 10 15 yrs from now), words from strangers on the internet coddling her abhorrent behavior will be little comfort. She may say the right things, but for a person in her situation, words without actions as as useless a tits on a bull. I'm sure Red understands that.

 

How many times did you ask for forgiveness Red? How often did you apologize? Even while you were still seeing and sleeping with your paramour after DDay. How does your H deal with the mind movies? The emasculation? The shame. Even though he is not responsible for your affair, he is the most injured party. Talk about a poop sandwich. How does your H deal with the crying episodes? You may not have seen them, but they are there. How about the lack of trust caused by your affair? I only ask these questions to reinforce the fact that your words mean nothing. I am willing to bet you cried, begged and apologized profusely, yet when OM reached out again, you were all too willing to get back together.

 

R is possible, but not without the cold hard truth. Anything else is a waste of time in the long run.

 

You see Red. This is not about you. When you get it, you will realize that. Your pain may be real to you, but please step outside yourself. See your H's pain, but then again, only a remorseful spouse can see that. I am sorry, but I do not think you know what remorse is yet. You are full of regret, and are still too caught up in your own feelings to even consider someone else.

 

I look at it this way my man. I have been on this site and others like it awhile now. I think multiple posters can attest to the fact that their are plenty of waywards that come here that don't even exhibit a modicum of remorse that Redbird has shown so far. Trust me, I have been suspended from this site many times for calling a lot of the waywards here out on some of their BS. My feeling is this dude, I don't think she would have set up the MC session if she didn't plan on confessing there. Most waywards that come on these sites are dead set on not confessing. Heck, some don't even regret their affairs. I have honestly read stories here that have almost made me give up on humanity. And there have been a few here. Believe it or not, Redbird is actually the first wayward I have worked with on here because I think she is different from the rest. Like I said dude, I think she is going to surprise a lot of people after her MC session.

[malvern99]

If someone had asked you after your original confession what you would have said or done if AP reached out to you, what would you have said? Were you not as convinced after "round 1" that you were done with him as you are now? If he contacts you 1 month from now, what will you do? Are you sure?

 

I wish you the best Red whatever the outcome of the situation. Go with God.

[Artie Lang]

it's all starting to make sense.

 

you're husband had the right idea all along. many "advisors" will say the same thing your pastor said. as jbrent890 can attest to- in reading and suggesting the various resources out there -this is the worst advice anyone can give a person facing your situation. it's not at all about revenge. it's about having the same respect for a fellow human being that's being deceived, as well. she has as much right to know the true state of her marriage as your husband does. how is keeping a lie good for anyone, especially coming from a person who promotes honesty and integrity amongst his fellow man(general term). i can only imagine the further damage these trusted advisors do by impeding the process of total transparency and honesty.

 

 

no worries, jbrent890. your intentions in helping the OP are honorable and noteworthy. believe me, the respect is mutual on this side as well, m'man.

[malvern99]

I really hope she does surprise people Jbrent. Like I said to her, my only issue is honesty. I really hope she does not come clean at marriage counselling. If I were in her BS's shoes, I would feel ambushed and like I have been made a fool of yet again. But that is just my opinion.

[Artie Lang]

^so when is she supposed to "come clean" then? after... when they're months into reconciliation so he can endure another dose of TT... so she can backpedal on her intentions of total transparency and not do it at all because "things are good" at the moment- don't want to rock the boat, ya know.

 

this is the perfect opportunity to do it. in the presence of a professional who can help them with the blow he is about to face. as they say, this is make it or break it time.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Artie Lang

[jbrent890]

it's all starting to make sense.

 

you're husband had the right idea all along. many "advisors" will say the same thing your pastor said. as jbrent890 can attest to- in reading and suggesting the various resources out there -this is the worst advice anyone can give a person facing your situation. it's not at all about revenge. it's about having the same respect for a fellow human being that's being deceived, as well. she has as much right to know the true state of her marriage as your husband does. how is keeping a lie good for anyone, especially coming from a person who promotes honesty and integrity amongst his fellow man(general term). i can only imagine the further damage these trusted advisors do by impeding the process of total transparency and honesty.

 

 

no worries, jbrent890. your intentions in helping the OP are honorable and noteworthy. believe me, the respect is mutual on this side as well, m'man.

 

Couldn't agree more. And I would say without a doubt that her husband is not going to make the same mistake again. I think there are some instances when maybe you shouldn't tell the OBS. For example, if you know without a doubt that the OBS would harm you, themselves, or the AP. But other than that, OBS needs to know. That serves multiple purposes. The biggest is that instead of having one set of eyes on the WSs, there is two. Don't get me wrong, Redbird and her AP were that serious about the restarting the affair, then it was going to happen. However, the chances of them getting busted would have increased dramatically. From what I seen, most affairs that restart after D Day or are taking deeper underground are busted when both BSs know about the affair.

[malvern99]

Red, it is not my intent to insult or demean you. If you feel I have, I apologize. I just think gaining a different perspective on your situation is important.

[jbrent890]

^so when is she supposed to "come clean" then? after... when they're months into reconciliation so he can endure another dose of TT... so she can backpedal on her intentions of total transparency and not do it at all because "things are good" at the moment- don't want to rock the boat, ya know.

 

this is the perfect opportunity to do it. in the presence of a professional who can help them with the blow he is about to face. as they say, this is make it or break it time.

 

Another point I agree on. That is the perfect forum for her to confess in. Having a third party that specializes in these situations as a moderator is going to go a long way. Not mention, it gives her a few weeks before the session to show her husband that she is serious about healing the marriage this time around. Little things like reading infidelity literature in front of him, having his clothes ready for work the next day, making sure his car has a full tank of gas, keeping the house clean can all go a long way in proving that she is taking this seriously.

[Sassy Girl]

I didn't say I'm unwilling to be honest. I confessed my affair originally, ended it, then allowed it to resume after it had been over for some time, when the MM contacted me. I regret it deeply. I have totally ended this "second round," if you will, which I consider to be final. I admitted when I started posting that I truly did not originally consider confessing to the second round. It seemed almost pointless. I know from a BH perspective that must seem insane. From mine, it just felt like it was the same mud, different day. I get that it's wrong, I'm just trying to explain how I felt.

 

However having posted here, seeing what others are sharing, reading about this, I am beginning to sense that honesty may be my only real way out. I found a marriage "crisis" therapy weekend and booked it for us in hopes that they can guide me and us in this. Right now, that is my plan. It is in just a couple of weeks.

 

I never once questioned that my H is the victim. I know.

 

Respectfully, it is not "same mud different day"

 

Earlier in this thread you were consumed with your own pain. There was a comment to the likes of "I'm hurting too.... Enough pain to go around" (I'm paraphrasing)

 

The distinct difference is you chose your pain, and you chose the pain for your husband. He did not.

 

To say "same mud" is to completely gloss ovet the fact that on DDay, you witnessed your husbands pain. You saw what this did to him.... And then chose that pain for him again.... And again.... And again...Knowing.

 

So respectfully, it's not the same mud. This is a new, cruel kind, where you already knew, and you did it anyway.

 

Please tell you husband. I could give you a gazillion reasons why. At the end of the Day it boils down to this: it's the right thing to do, and it's the least that you owe him.

[road]

Yes...

 

I am (was) going back to school. We met there, though he is not a student. I took some time off and now we're trying to figure out what to do.

 

 

 

 

If the OM is still there you have to find another school for there to be NC.

[Marc878]

He wanted to...he was so enraged when I told him, he intended to tell her.

 

Then we went to our church for help and our pastor advised that we NOT tell her. That it would be seeking revenge or that God would take care of it or that we should stay away from them. All of the above. So my husband decided not to.

 

 

Bad advice.

 

Honesty is key. So you and your husband get all the pain and MM walks away free to come back as he wants.

 

Just because he's a pastor doesn't mean he's right. I've experienced many.

 

His wife should know.

[Furious]

Just updating...

 

We are booked for the marriage therapy weekend in a few weeks.

 

One week NC today.

 

Thank you all...

 

You started your thread on August 23 and in the above quote on August 26 you say you've been NC with the OM for only a week, which means your last contact with the OM was on August 19th.

 

Was the marriage therapy weekend booked before or after August 19th, and when you say "we", was it your idea or your husband's idea to book a marriage therapy weekend?

 

How can you go from only one week of NC and a marriage therapy weekend in this small window of time?

 

I'm sorry but since your husband doesn't know you continued with the affair after d-day, and NC has only been since August 19th, why bother going to a marriage therapy weekend if you are not transparent.

 

What makes you think it's good to falsely put your husband through marriage therapy with such a big lie you've kept from him?

 

I think this is about saving yourself and not your marriage, it's seems you are ok with deceit as long as you can control and manipulate what is best for you.

[singer23]

I can't argue with you. I will only say that if anyone is a fool here, it's me; not my husband.

 

I confessed the affair after becoming very overwhelmed by guilt, stress, the lies, the double life, everything. My intention was to end it, put everything on the table, and just hope he was willing to consider reconciliation. He did not rugsweep. The affair ended and I worked very hard to put things back together, to earn my husband's trust, to find my way back home, even in my own heart.

 

After a few months, MM contacted me and I made the mistake of responding. I held it to just an odd email or two every now and then, telling myself I was not back in the affair. Then I would cut contact for a while, a month or more. Finally, he came to see me in person and I guess that's when I felt we technically resumed the affair for a short while. Even then we only saw each other a few times over the span of months. It's just been hanging over my head, knowing that this cannot continue in any way.

 

As to what you think I should do and telling me I won't follow through... I know right now I've got to follow through on NC. I'm focusing on that for now.

 

This is horrible way to treat someone.. You are so caught up in your own selfish needs that you are abusing your Husband

[aliveagain]

I have purposely stayed off this post until now because people who are actively involved in affairs and me just don't get along too well. As long as you still have secrets from your husband your affair is active and you are choosing to protect O/M and your own selfish a$$ over his. You may have a very spiritual pastor but his advice on infidelity sucks. Your husband needs to expose the POS to his wife, she needs to know just how much of a POS he is. This may not be his first rodeo, you in fact may not be the only married woman he was banging. We see it here all the time. I used the word banging because there is nothing romantic about your affair, it is just two cheating spouses meeting for sex in pay by the hour hotel rooms, backs of cars or wherever you did your deeds. You need to wake up and understand that other man will not leave his wife, it will cost him too much. Like you he doesn't want to loose his kids and he doesn't want your baggage. All he wants is what you have been giving him, unprotected sex.

 

You can't fix a marriage that doesn't have honesty and love in it's foundation, if you want a shot at fixing this you better start by being honest with your husband. You need to find out why your husbands validation isn't enough for you and why you seek it from other men. Are you sure the best thing for you and your husband is to be married to each other? You are very poor and risky wife material and unless you do the work to change that I don't give you and your husband much of a chance. Bottom line is if you can't make your husband feel safe, end it. Tell the other mans wife about her husband and you, get tested for all STD's because let me assure you that risk is real(specially with players).

 

Please get your priorities strait, is it the marriage you want or the other man? If it's the marriage than start by showing your committed to the right man, protecting your dirty secrets between you and other man isn't doing that and if your husband finds out before you tell him, it's over and nothing you can promise will save what's left of your marriage.

Edited August 29, 2015 by aliveagain

[aliveagain]

It is exactly for situations like you and your other man that we recommend the betrayed husband inform the other betrayed wife. The other man would throw you under the bus in nanoseconds to save his financial a$$. Just look at your example, your husband is convinced by your preacher and yourself not to tell other mans wife about your affair with her husband and what where did it get him? He still has a lying wife who is still banging other man. See my point? You claim you want to save your marriage and don't want to loose your children yet your doing everything to do exactly that. Wake up, it's already too late.

[Marc878]

OM is smiling from ear to ear.

 

He'll be back for thirds soon.

 

That's why full exposure is needed.

 

Pastor is either stupid or inexperienced to deal with it.

 

Time to divorce and make another life. Too much damage her now.

 

Unless H is a doormat

[Sandy43]

I agree with the other posters, by not exposing the OM and by not being honest with your husband you are keeping the door open to pick up where you left off. If you truly want to R with your husband it will not happen without honesty.