Just ended my affair

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, Just wanted to chip in and ask how is it a Ladies only roll of honour for having an affair and ending it? Where are the Gents? Or are they all too scared to come here and confess/ report their break ups?

By the way Redbird, all the advice given here is good especially if you have resolved to reconcile with your husband and wish to rebuild your marriage from scratch. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you and as they say a lot of heavy lifting ahead of you if you want to heal your marriage and the hurt you have caused your husband. Your own pain will have to be put on the back burner and suffered in silence because it is something you have brought upon yourself. On the other hand the cause of your husband's pain is entirely on you and only you can apply the necessary balm to heal him. He caused you no pain. Think about it. Cheers!

[singer23]

But I did end my affair. I know it's only been a few days, but this is after months of work and effort on my end. Lots of soul-searching and a decision. Yes, it is painful, but I knew it's what needed to happen. I can't pretend I'm not grieving or second-guessing myself, but I also have to think that's part of the normal process.

 

So at what point does my decision become real? Do I suddenly prove myself after a certain period of NC? I don't really understand. Or do you think it requires the second confession? What am I missing?

 

He wanted to...he was so enraged when I told him, he intended to tell her.

 

Then we went to our church for help and our pastor advised that we NOT tell her. That it would be seeking revenge or that God would take care of it or that we should stay away from them. All of the above. So my husband decided not to.

 

 

 

You tell her then. It is not revenge for you, right ?

[DKT3]

Hi Folks, Just wanted to chip in and ask how is it a Ladies only roll of honour for having an affair and ending it? Where are the Gents? Or are they all too scared to come here and confess/ report their break ups?

By the way Redbird, all the advice given here is good especially if you have resolved to reconcile with your husband and wish to rebuild your marriage from scratch. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you and as they say a lot of heavy lifting ahead of you if you want to heal your marriage and the hurt you have caused your husband. Your own pain will have to be put on the back burner and suffered in silence because it is something you have brought upon yourself. On the other hand the cause of your husband's pain is entirely on you and only you can apply the necessary balm to heal him. He caused you no pain. Think about it. Cheers!

 

Well, if we are talking in general then men don't usually have these emotional hang ups about ending affairs because they don't usually do the two things that women do. 1) replace their spouse as their primary lover/partner 2) emotionally distance themeslves from or damage the marriage to engage in the affair.

 

You will often hear MW/OW talk about how he just seems to move on like they meant nothings. I doubt that is really ever the case, however because most men don't rewrite the history of the marriage or distance themselves (demonize the wife) to justify the affair they tend to slide right back into and place the focus back on the marriage.

 

In short most men simply don't distance themselves from their wives the way this women do from their husbands so its easier for them to "go back" into the marriage. The sex doesn't stop as it does so much more often with women (no matter what he is telling her). In his eyes the OW/MW is truly EXTRA and not instead of.

[DKT3]

I agree with the other posters, by not exposing the OM and by not being honest with your husband you are keeping the door open to pick up where you left off. If you truly want to R with your husband it will not happen without honesty.

 

Yes, she is protecting in this order 1) herself 2) HER MM 3) the affair and desire to leave the door open for it 4) her marriage 5) her husband.

 

Until her husband is number 1 she will continue to struggle to "get it".

[Lois_Griffin]

I have a question for you.

 

Why shouldn't your husband be the one to decide if he wants to give you a third chance or not?

Well Horton, the sad truth is that it's always all about the cheater and what they want, what they need, and what satisfies them.

[aliveagain]

Believe me, I have considered bringing this to my husband, but the memory of the trauma of the first confession puts me right back at square one almost as soon as the thought crosses my mind. The mere thought of the words coming out of my mouth makes me go mute. How do I explain it? I didn't want the affair back. I didn't feel capable of making right decisions, of defending my own boundaries. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Is it ALWAYS the right thing to lay it all out there? For now I am just surviving.

(if your just surviving why do you want to minimize the odds of survival by continuing with your infidelity? Your supposed to be proving to your husband your worth the second chance.)

 

I guess it just wasn't enough to make you stop, saving your marriage and keeping your children full time should take president over other man. How will you explain it and not just to your husband but at some point to your children when their old enough? By not allowing your husband to expose your affair you to the other betrayed spouse you left an opening to continue it. Someone that makes poor decisions shouldn't be allowed to make decisions that will affect their family for the rest of their lives. How can you expect a different result when you make the same stupid mistakes?

[Redbird Fly]

You started your thread on August 23 and in the above quote on August 26 you say you've been NC with the OM for only a week, which means your last contact with the OM was on August 19th.

 

Was the marriage therapy weekend booked before or after August 19th, and when you say "we", was it your idea or your husband's idea to book a marriage therapy weekend?

 

The therapy weekend was booked afterwards. It was my idea.

 

How can you go from only one week of NC and a marriage therapy weekend in this small window of time?

 

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. The affair was previously ended and then resumed, but not really in full. I have been wanting to right things within my marriage for many months now, but have obviously been in a very confused state, and then allowed myself to get drawn back in. My ending it again (which was basically just a firm goodbye conversation from me to him...we weren't very actively involved right up until that moment, he was just sort of lingering around), was after a lot of soul-searching had already been done. So it was't as if I went from being in a hard-core affair and totally in love with another man to suddenly booking marriage therapy.

 

I'm sorry but since your husband doesn't know you continued with the affair after d-day, and NC has only been since August 19th, why bother going to a marriage therapy weekend if you are not transparent.

 

What makes you think it's good to falsely put your husband through marriage therapy with such a big lie you've kept from him?

 

I think this is about saving yourself and not your marriage, it's seems you are ok with deceit as long as you can control and manipulate what is best for you.

 

I am not putting my husband through therapy "falsely." I was hoping it could help us get to ground zero.

[Redbird Fly]

I have purposely stayed off this post until now because people who are actively involved in affairs and me just don't get along too well. As long as you still have secrets from your husband your affair is active and you are choosing to protect O/M and your own selfish a$$ over his. You may have a very spiritual pastor but his advice on infidelity sucks. Your husband needs to expose the POS to his wife, she needs to know just how much of a POS he is. This may not be his first rodeo, you in fact may not be the only married woman he was banging. We see it here all the time. I used the word banging because there is nothing romantic about your affair, it is just two cheating spouses meeting for sex in pay by the hour hotel rooms, backs of cars or wherever you did your deeds. You need to wake up and understand that other man will not leave his wife, it will cost him too much. Like you he doesn't want to loose his kids and he doesn't want your baggage. All he wants is what you have been giving him, unprotected sex.

 

You can't fix a marriage that doesn't have honesty and love in it's foundation, if you want a shot at fixing this you better start by being honest with your husband. You need to find out why your husbands validation isn't enough for you and why you seek it from other men. Are you sure the best thing for you and your husband is to be married to each other? You are very poor and risky wife material and unless you do the work to change that I don't give you and your husband much of a chance. Bottom line is if you can't make your husband feel safe, end it. Tell the other mans wife about her husband and you, get tested for all STD's because let me assure you that risk is real(specially with players).

 

Please get your priorities strait, is it the marriage you want or the other man? If it's the marriage than start by showing your committed to the right man, protecting your dirty secrets between you and other man isn't doing that and if your husband finds out before you tell him, it's over and nothing you can promise will save what's left of your marriage.

 

I really wasn't sure if I wanted to reply to you because I feel you are being cruel. But you have taken the time so I will give you that in return.

 

First, I disagree with your definition of being "actively involved" in an affair. I am no longer actively involved. I am not doing it anymore. That is pretty straightforward.

 

Telling my husband the additional information is another matter, and obviously I have not denied that here. I have also, I thought, made it clear that I was working towards that honesty, though this is sort of a heart change from just a few days ago. I am still scared to death, but I am hoping for frame-work and support at this therapy weekend.

 

You are saying ugly things, perhaps to get me to see it in a way you think I should. I never said I wanted the MM to leave his wife. I think I may have even said I don't want the MM. Maybe you aren't reading my posts very carefully.

 

Regarding STDs - after my last physical encounter with MM (which I also put an end to, prior to the final goodbye conversation), I got all of the testing done. I also avoided my husband during the time the physical part resumed between me and the MM (it was brief) and until I got the clean results back. I am not telling you this expecting a pat on the back, don't worry.

 

I am working on myself very hard, daily, and if my husband's judgment is that I am a "poor" and "risky" wife, then we will divorce I am sure. Not only should he not live with that, but I would not want to live with that stain either. I couldn't. It would cripple us both.

[Sassy Girl]

Your affair resumed, but not really in "in full"?

 

You're minimising your actions. You resumed your affair in full- continued contact, sneaking around and more sex. Sounds like a full on affair to me.

[Redbird Fly]

Your affair resumed, but not really in "in full"?

 

You're minimising your actions. You resumed your affair in full- continued contact, sneaking around and more sex. Sounds like a full on affair to me.

 

No, I am not minimizing.

 

I am comparing my experience of the affair the "second time" to the affair the "first time." It was different. However that is MY perception. I imagine it will not be any different for my BH.

 

My point in describing it like that is that we did not resume the same relationship. When it picked back up, at first it was just some emails here and there. We talked on the phone a few times. And then we were physical again twice. This was over the span of months. It was sporadic and we went weeks without speaking. So to me, it did feel different.

[lovinDKT3]

No, I am not minimizing.

 

I am comparing my experience of the affair the "second time" to the affair the "first time." It was different. However that is MY perception. I imagine it will not be any different for my BH.

 

My point in describing it like that is that we did not resume the same relationship. When it picked back up, at first it was just some emails here and there. We talked on the phone a few times. And then we were physical again twice. This was over the span of months. It was sporadic and we went weeks without speaking. So to me, it did feel different.

 

Did it feel any less wrong?

 

Sassy Girl and I have been in your shoes, so no judgement. In my case I have thrown myself 100% back into my relationship. That can only truly be done by burning the house down and putting everything on the table. Until you get to that point then eveeything you did is false and being built on a lie. If you think you have done something that could change the path of your relationship with your husband then he has to know that before he embarks on the path. It may be his decision that its a path he can NOT travel. This, at this point is a case of you misleading him and not giving him the information to make the best decision from him. You will in many ways be stealing months or years of his life. You may get to a place where things are great and then it comes out that you started back up after d day. We have seen here how that can blow up any progress made over months and years setting you back to the starting blocks or even worse divorce.

 

On a side note, you have to stop protecting MM. Back when my BH found out who the other man was he wanted to fight him. BH would have hurt OM, and while I felt I was protecting BH from trouble by trying to prevent the fight, he saw it as me protecting OM. I feel that you are protecting MM by putting road blocks in your BH's way of tell the OBS about the affair. I believe maybe you don't see it that way. Why not allow him to tell? If its something he feels he needs why not help him get some sense of safety back?

[Redbird Fly]

Did it feel any less wrong?

 

Sassy Girl and I have been in your shoes, so no judgement. In my case I have thrown myself 100% back into my relationship. That can only truly be done by burning the house down and putting everything on the table. Until you get to that point then eveeything you did is false and being built on a lie. If you think you have done something that could change the path of your relationship with your husband then he has to know that before he embarks on the path. It may be his decision that its a path he can NOT travel. This, at this point is a case of you misleading him and not giving him the information to make the best decision from him. You will in many ways be stealing months or years of his life. You may get to a place where things are great and then it comes out that you started back up after d day. We have seen here how that can blow up any progress made over months and years setting you back to the starting blocks or even worse divorce.

 

On a side note, you have to stop protecting MM. Back when my BH found out who the other man was he wanted to fight him. BH would have hurt OM, and while I felt I was protecting BH from trouble by trying to prevent the fight, he saw it as me protecting OM. I feel that you are protecting MM by putting road blocks in your BH's way of tell the OBS about the affair. I believe maybe you don't see it that way. Why not allow him to tell? If its something he feels he needs why not help him get some sense of safety back?

 

No - it felt much worse.

 

You make very good points, thank you.

 

I booked this therapy weekend with the intention of honesty. Maybe I should tell him before we go. I was just hoping for some support, a neutral third party, guidance, something...I am scared. The session is in just a few weeks.

 

I never stopped my husband from telling. Our pastor made the suggestion and he made the decision. I have never interfered with that at all. Of course, I did not reach out and tell her myself either, but our pastor gave both of us that advice. Yet it still felt it was my H's decision rather than mine, if that makes sense. So I've never not "allowed" him.

[aliveagain]

No, I am not minimizing.

 

I am comparing my experience of the affair the "second time" to the affair the "first time." It was different. However that is MY perception. I imagine it will not be any different for my BH.

 

My point in describing it like that is that we did not resume the same relationship. When it picked back up, at first it was just some emails here and there. We talked on the phone a few times. And then we were physical again twice. This was over the span of months. It was sporadic and we went weeks without speaking. So to me, it did feel different.

 

You can minimize it all you want but any contact is a breach of trust and a betrayal to your husband. One time having sex is too many times, don't you get that? You shouldn't be actively dating when your supposed to be reconciliation. He gave you a gift and your just sh*ting on it. Your still in an affair and lying to your husband who still doesn't know he's in false reconciliation. I may be harsh at times but sometimes that's what it takes to get a very serious life changing point across to someone with affair thinking. I could care less what you decide to do with your life, it won't change anything in mine, you and I will never meet. As a betrayed spouse that survived my ex's two year long term affair and her affair child that I raised for the first year of his life believing he was mine. I know what it is like to be eating the sh*t sandwich you served to your husband.

 

 

The only reason I even posted on your thread is because the advise that you and your husband received from your pastor was bad. Just look at the result, your in a major problem because you can't protect your husband from other man. Had you exposed everything to O/M's wife you probably wouldn't be in this situation. I dealt with my wayward, I just hoped I could give you the prospective of someone in your husbands position before it was too late. Perhaps you should post in the Other Man/Other Women section, you may get more support but you won't get the replies as seen by other betrayed people. Your the one choosing to remain in infidelity, you could have stopped this anytime you wanted to. Thank you for your reply and just to be clear from a betrayed spouses point of view, any secrets between you and other man will be viewed as active cheating because they will hurt your husband regardless of when he finds out. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

[malvern99]

(if your just surviving why do you want to minimize the odds of survival by continuing with your infidelity? Your supposed to be proving to your husband your worth the second chance.)

 

I guess it just wasn't enough to make you stop, saving your marriage and keeping your children full time should take president over other man.

 

This is a point that Red must address honestly with herself if she is sincere about R. She referred to how broken her husband was by her confession, yet when AP reappeared, it was off to the races again. If her H's pain was not enough to stop the relapse, then what will it take? Is she contemplating R because it is the "right to do" (she feels forced to) or does she want R because she recognizes that she wants to be with her husband and is willing to do the work? These are some of the questions I would have.

 

Part of what makes Red's story so sad is that it does not make sense. She initially confessed her infidelity, yet her behavior in the aftermath of DDay is more like that of a person whose A was discovered by their spouse. Normally people who confess their affairs of their own volition do so because they are tired of the lies, the double life, the stress, the guilt etc etc that come along with the affair, and they are just done with it. Watching their betrayed deal with his/her new reality also tends to help lift the so called fog from most waywards who confess. If Red had been caught in her affair, the relapse would make more sense. For someone who confessed, it makes no sense whatsoever. Why confess and still keep the door open to further interaction with AP?

 

What is different between the end of round 1 and round 2? Yes you have been NC for about a week. That's great. However, if 1 month from now, AP reaches out again what will happen?

[Marc878]

Most of the folks here have been through or around what you are going through. It's not easy to see what to do having no experience in matters like this.

 

I think most including me would like to see you succeed.

 

With that said read up on how things should be handled.

 

As for pastors. I've seen many. Some really great ones but most have serious shortcomings in dealing with things like this.

 

Do you and your husband a huge favor and inform his wife. Honesty is a big thing.

 

If nothing else it may help block him from you. You know you have weakness there so close that door.

[Marc878]

It may help show your H you are trying to get over this. Maybe take the edge of the second time you faltered.

[Artie Lang]

As for pastors. I've seen many. Some really great ones but most have serious shortcomings in dealing with things like this.

 

i'm of the opinion that most religious/church doctrine frowns upon divorce or even the threat of divorce- not good for business, as the parties involved usually turn away from the church and/or leave entirely. a decimating of their flock, if you will. in their minds, it might be in the best interest for one relationship to be in peril rather than two. this is why i think they advise not to expose an affair. with that in mind, who's interest are they really invested in?

 

i could be wrong, but from the outside looking in, that's what it looks like to me.

[malvern99]

I booked this therapy weekend with the intention of honesty. Maybe I should tell him before we go.

 

We have a bingo! Sorry for that... I'll show myself out.

 

If you are going to tell him, the sooner you tell him the better. It will hurt him that you fell back into the affair, and knowing that you withheld this new info from him for so long will only add to his hurt. Best advice I can give you is to tell him just the facts, and answer his questions as best you can. Try to keep the emotions out as best you can. Do you have any people/friends in your real life other than your pastor and H who know your current situation? If you do, now is the time to lean on them, because this will be hard. Best wishes.

[road]

I didn't say I'm unwilling to be honest. I confessed my affair originally, ended it, then allowed it to resume after it had been over for some time, when the MM contacted me. I regret it deeply. I have totally ended this "second round," if you will, which I consider to be final. I admitted when I started posting that I truly did not originally consider confessing to the second round. It seemed almost pointless. I know from a BH perspective that must seem insane. From mine, it just felt like it was the same mud, different day. I get that it's wrong, I'm just trying to explain how I felt.

 

However having posted here, seeing what others are sharing, reading about this, I am beginning to sense that honesty may be my only real way out. I found a marriage "crisis" therapy weekend and booked it for us in hopes that they can guide me and us in this. Right now, that is my plan. It is in just a couple of weeks.

 

I never once questioned that my H is the victim. I know.

 

 

Not exposing is why there was a second round. This must be told to your BH and the OMW.

[Hope Shimmers]

When you are married to or in a relationship with someone, your JOB is to make them feel safe. To be their rock. To always have their back. And in return, you should expect the same.

 

When the person in your life that you believed in betrays you in that most terrible, fundamental way, it is soul destroying. And that is why I cannot understand how anyone could do that to the person who is supposed to be #1 in their life.

 

But what's done is done. The question is, are you ready to give your husband that level of loyalty and partnership again? So that he can again count on you to make him feel safe and you can absolutely uphold that gift - if he is able to give it -of his total trust in you again? If you are, you have to lay it all down on the table.

 

Please do NOT try building a new foundation with your H in this marriage counseling weekend without telling him all that has happened. Otherwise it is false. Like building a castle on sand. He needs to decide if he can rebuild. And you can't propose to make him feel safe and have his back if you are holding that kind of secret from him.

[Sassy Girl]

I actually think you need to tell him before the crisi counselling because he will need time to process the new information. I think he might feel blind sighted and 'set up' and 'handled' if you wait until counselling.

 

Honestly it just sounds like you're afraid, which is understandable, but there's no way to soften the impact. You just need to do it so you can begin real healing and reconciliation... Like ripping off a bandaid. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on.

[jbrent890]

This is a point that Red must address honestly with herself if she is sincere about R. She referred to how broken her husband was by her confession, yet when AP reappeared, it was off to the races again. If her H's pain was not enough to stop the relapse, then what will it take? Is she contemplating R because it is the "right to do" (she feels forced to) or does she want R because she recognizes that she wants to be with her husband and is willing to do the work? These are some of the questions I would have.

 

Part of what makes Red's story so sad is that it does not make sense. She initially confessed her infidelity, yet her behavior in the aftermath of DDay is more like that of a person whose A was discovered by their spouse. Normally people who confess their affairs of their own volition do so because they are tired of the lies, the double life, the stress, the guilt etc etc that come along with the affair, and they are just done with it. Watching their betrayed deal with his/her new reality also tends to help lift the so called fog from most waywards who confess. If Red had been caught in her affair, the relapse would make more sense. For someone who confessed, it makes no sense whatsoever. Why confess and still keep the door open to further interaction with AP?

 

What is different between the end of round 1 and round 2? Yes you have been NC for about a week. That's great. However, if 1 month from now, AP reaches out again what will happen?

 

Like I said, Redbird confessed at a time when she was not ready to fight for the marriage. She wanted the affair to be over with, but at the same time, she was not sure if she actually wanted to be in the marriage at the time. My guess is that she had a solid marriage, but it lacked passion and became routine. The affair for her was a passion fest. The guilt of the affair was killing her, but at the same time, she didn't know if she could go back to a routine marriage. There have been a lot of waywards here that have felt the same way. In terms of her falling back into her affair, like I said, she was not ready to heal the marriage. Dealing with her husband's anger and depression must have taken a toll on her. MM was the only constant thing that made her feel good the last few years. So when he reached out, she went back in because she probably thought it would make her feel good. Instead, it had the exact opposite effect.

[jbrent890]

I actually think you need to tell him before the crisi counselling because he will need time to process the new information. I think he might feel blind sighted and 'set up' and 'handled' if you wait until counselling.

 

Honestly it just sounds like you're afraid, which is understandable, but there's no way to soften the impact. You just need to do it so you can begin real healing and reconciliation... Like ripping off a bandaid. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on.

 

This is a tough one all around. I can definitely see it from this point of view. That if she tells at the crisis session, it will probably make her husband feel ganged up on. But at the same time, it could help to have a neutral third party there to guide the conversation. But maybe your right. Perhaps she just needs to rip the bandaid off.

[singer23]

I really wasn't sure if I wanted to reply to you because I feel you are being cruel. But you have taken the time so I will give you that in return.

 

 

 

Do you think your affair is cruel on your BS ?

 

 

Regarding STDs - after my last physical encounter with MM (which I also put an end to, prior to the final goodbye conversation), I got all of the testing done. I also avoided my husband during the time the physical part resumed between me and the MM (it was brief) and until I got the clean results back. I am not telling you this expecting a pat on the back, don't worry.

 

I am working on myself very hard, daily, and if my husband's judgment is that I am a "poor" and "risky" wife, then we will divorce I am sure. Not only should he not live with that, but I would not want to live with that stain either. I couldn't. It would cripple us both.

 

 

If you have to work so hard being for not being a lying selfish cheater, you need to re-evaluate your life's choices. I think you don't even want to fix your marriage. You just want validation that you 'tried' to make your marriage work.

 

 

When it picked back up, at first it was just some emails here and there. We talked on the phone a few times. And then we were physical again twice.

 

Just twice ? Your husband will be delighted. Here, have a cookie.

 

 

I never once questioned that my H is the victim. I know.

 

What does that make you ? Abuser ?

Edited August 30, 2015 by singer23

[latinmex]

No, I am not minimizing.

 

I am comparing my experience of the affair the "second time" to the affair the "first time." It was different. However that is MY perception. I imagine it will not be any different for my BH.

 

My point in describing it like that is that we did not resume the same relationship. When it picked back up, at first it was just some emails here and there. We talked on the phone a few times. And then we were physical again twice. This was over the span of months. It was sporadic and we went weeks without speaking. So to me, it did feel different.

 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

 

Doesn´t matter how many times you did in the first and how many in the second, the betrayal is the same and the pain is the same.

You can do it 1,3,5 or 100 doesn´t matter affair is an affair