Another failed married man - mistress story

[themarriedman]

Hello,

 

I am a 45 yr old married man for 17 years (one son) that had a secret relationship for 3 years. I have read online stories from other men in a similar situation as mine and I guess my story is not much different then theirs. I know these relationships usually fail. Yes, I realize what I did was wrong and I should have paid more attention to my wife and made our relationship better, but that is not helping me right now since I am feeling so anxious and missing my mistress so much.

 

What happened? At first we met online and hit it off right away just chatting for hours. She said she really wanted to go on a vacation so I jokingly said ok lets go. Then after awhile this became reality and we did go on a trip for a few days. Again we hit it off and we had a wonderful few days together. After that we kept meeting maybe twice a month in a hotel or sometimes just in a mall. She hated meeting in a hotel but it was the only way. She hated me being married and at first she wanted to break it off. I was selfish and I wanted to keep her so I kept texting her and she came back to me. We continued for 3 years where we had 5 more short vacations together. They were all great, and going back home always hurt. We often had big fights though because she hated me sleeping with my wife. She didn't want me to have sex, or even talk to my wife. My wife and I only had sex maybe twice a year so that wasn't really a big problem. Still everything I did with my wife made my mistress furious. I know my mistress was hurt a lot. She told me she cried every night and hugged her pillow thinking of me.

 

Then for the last year we didn't really meet anymore. She hated going to the hotel, and somehow I didn't feel like it anymore either. We kept chatting every day and basically that was enough for me. It wasn't enough for her. She wanted to go on a vacation again, but then she threatened me to tell my wife and that made me so scared that I basically wanted her to leave me alone. I didn't miss her but we still kept chatting. I could still still text her whenever I wanted, and somehow I still thought that she would always be there for me. I know. I am an incredible selfish person.

 

Now almost a year after we kept chatting, texting, sometimes calling, but not meeting, she told me she is ready to move on. She wants a bf. A real single one that she can bring to her family, and that she doesn't have to hide. Understandable of course but suddenly it hit me that I lost her forever. I feel so stupid because I thought chatting with her was enough and that we could go on a vacation again sometime in the future. I just was too blind to see it coming. Please don't tell me how selfish I am. I know that. I am just here because I feel miserable. I am just very slow in understanding my own feelings. Had I realized sooner that I was in love with my mistress then I wouldn't have let her slip away like this, although I do know that it is for the best. I had a terrible fight with my wife once when I was already with my mistress. I almost left the house with my son but then when my wife came to me crying that she still loved me, I couldn't. My mistress was hurt that I stayed with my wife of course. She knows I can't leave my wife.

 

It is a month ago that she told me this, and since then I thought things were going a bit better again. She said she could still be friends. She called me if I was alright. We chatted again. She replied to my texts again. She gave me hope when she said we could start from zero and who knows she would get her feeling back. She said deep down she maybe had still feelings for me but she was suppressing them. It made me feel good again, it gave me hope, and I stopped feeling miserable.

 

Then unfortunately after a few weeks (2 days ago), she told me the same again. Chatting with her made me frustrated. I could see how much she had cooled. No more nice and sweet words. Just simple chit chat. She told me I was pushing her too much, she just wanted to be friends, she wants a real bf. She also said she was terrified of feeling so hurt again, and she never wanted that again. She shut me out and said she needs 2 weeks for herself. In all those 3 years we never even stopped talking to each other for more than 2 days so this hurt me a lot. She does not come online anymore, and tells me to stop texting her. Again I feel miserable, I cry, I walk around like a zombie, and I really need help to get over this feeling. I read a lot online. Stories about married men and their mistresses, stories about how to deal with a breakup, and all that. What I really want is to talk to her but I can't. I feel like going crazy sometimes. Time will help I know. I go to my wife and hug her, asking her attention, I really want to fall in love with my wife again, but right now I can't. I feel nothing when I hug my wife. All I think about is my mistress and how I messed it up, and how much I miss her.

 

Sorry for my sad and selfish story. I know I deserve all this. I hope to get some advice on how to let her go, or is it possible to just stay friends with her? I just really want to stop feeling miserable like this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope to get some advice on how to let her go, or is it possible to just stay friends with her? I just really want to stop feeling miserable like this.

 

Seven paragraphs of total selfishness distilled down to two sentences. You want to continue hurting someone you profess to care about so you can feel better? Strange definition of love.

 

I can't imagine what this emotional roller coaster has been like for your wife, only mentioned in passing - just like real life, eh?

 

Mr. Lucky

[themarriedman]

Thanks. I am learning from reading the stories on this forum. It helps. I know how selfish I am and I do need to be told that. I hurt my wife, and I hurt my mistress, and now I fully deserve to feel the hurt myself. It does hurt though. I will continue reading here and learn.

[elaine567]

I m guessing your wife is in her 40s, so let her go and find someone who really loves her.

You don't love her, it is a sham of a marriage.

You are also hurting your OW, she is right she needs a bf not some lonely penpal that is "never leaving his wife".

 

Both deserve real men.

 

YOU have been incredibly selfish, so do something right for once.

[Baby123]

Why don't you leave your wife, what is it that's stopping you?

[Cloudcuckoo]

"Please don't tell me how selfish I am".......

 

Really, that statement just about says everything about the situation you have created for....YOURSELF.

 

Not one single word about your poor wife in any positive way, even though you say she comforts you (albeit without knowing) when you're bawling over your other woman?!?

 

Oh dear oh dear, and you came here for comfort and understanding too.

 

Well, allow me to offer some 'enlightenment.'

 

Yours is actually the first story I've read that truly made my jaw drop. Staggeringly self absorbed, with absolutely no evidence of any real feeling for the woman you have involved in an open marriage without her permission or knowledge.

 

Your other woman was trying to make you leave your wife by any means she could elicit, that much is glaringly obvious. Is that really the sort of successful relationship you imagine? Your concubine got bored of waiting for you to do what she wanted.

 

Now, you can either do the honourable thing and reduce the triangle to a pair and either give your wife the freedom to engage in a healthier relationship with someone capable of offering her the dignity and respect she deserves, leaving you free to pursue your other woman to see if she might change her mind and engage in what will surely be a tenuous relationship in which two people must learn to navigate their lack of boundaries, trust issues and undeniably, the worst thing, the continual DOUBT that the other is being honest and faithful. No matter how loved up you think you are.

 

Or, you can leave them both because your moral compass is broken and learn to be a better man so that in the future you will be able to form honest and healthy relationships with women.

 

For what it's worth, I have the feeling that your wife has some sense of what you've been up to, but is at present too frightened to address it.

 

Good luck. I sincerely hope you find a healthier way.

[66Charger]

Thanks. I am learning from reading the stories on this forum. It helps. I know how selfish I am and I do need to be told that. I hurt my wife, and I hurt my mistress, and now I fully deserve to feel the hurt myself. It does hurt though. I will continue reading here and learn.

 

If you want pillows and tissues, you should post to the Other Side. but most here will see you exactly for what you are and say so. If you're concerned with getting your "feelings" hurt or attempt to shut anyone down, you are going to be in for a rude awakening

 

But you might get lucky Men dont usually post on a "nonfemale" thread.

 

Like I said before, we think of you as a coward that you are, who deserves not a tissue, but a punch in the face. What a disgrace to the Gender. What a whiner! Lets hope your "mistress" is enjoying a few more inches, right at the moment that you read this. You dont think you deserve this? Just pretend we are speaking FOR YOUR WIFE.

Edited August 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[Cloudcuckoo]

In addition, the statement you made that you feel nothing when you hug your wife is just awful.

 

That's a terrible thing that you allow her to offer you comfort with this in mind!

 

For goodness sake give her the freedom to find a partner who loves hugging her everyday.

[LifesontheUp]

Do something that isn't selfish - let your wife go. You clearly don't love her, you feel nothing for her and are missing your OW.

 

What would you do if your OW turned to you tomorrow and asked you to leave for her? Would you go this time?

 

And what do you mean you almost left with your son? Leave your child out of this

[elaine567]

 

And what do you mean you almost left with your son? Leave your child out of this

 

I noticed that as well, not only were you disrespecting your wife by sleeping with your OW, you felt SO entitled that you wanted to leave WITH your son and leave your wife with nothing.

Wow, just wow!

[jenkins95]

themarriedman

 

From one selsfish MM to another, you do have my sympathy and here's a (((hug)))!. Whilst we acknowledge that the situation is our fault and that we have hurt people, we are hurting too and feeling very lost confused and directionless. We need some help too - even if it is all our fault and we don't really 'deserve' it.

 

I'm sure that like me, for you it seemed innocent and fun at first, maybe just a bit naughty, but step by step it became a full blown affair. We are human and make mistakes, big ones sometimes that affect others. They cannot be undone but the future lies ahead. All you can do now is try to do the best thing by both the women, and heal yourself.

 

If you cut off contact with the OW completely, you will eventually heal, but it does take time if you love her. If, deep in your heart, you don't love your W any more and know that you can't, perhaps you should let her go.

 

I will be starting IC soon to address very similar questions to yours. Like you, my head is in such a mess that I don't really know what I think. Many people have advised counselling to give direction, so that is what I will do. Perhaps you should consider it.

 

Good luck themarriedman. I'm with you.

[themarriedman]

I suppose I wrote a lot of stupid things from the wrong perspective, but I guess having an affair is pretty stupid to begin with. I would never take my son against my wife's will. I caught her 'cheating' with other men. I say 'cheating' because it was only online. I know I deserved that. I then ruined the perfect moment to come out with my truth, and reconcile with my wife, but instead I got mad at her and I continued with my mistress. I guess you will hate me even more now, but that is what happened. My wife and I did get back together, and I did eventually stop seeing my mistress but I never stopped contacting her.

 

Now my mistress is ready to move on although she said she wants to stay best friends. I know it is best for her to move on, and I don't know what I have been thinking while we stayed in touch, but I just feel very hurt now. My head is a mess. I know my wife deserves a better husband, and I want to be a better husband for her, but I can't be in love with 2 women at the same time. It will take some time to fall back in love with my wife again if that is even possible. I need to figure that out. So in the mean time I am hurting and I am here to learn.

 

Thanks jenkins95

[Cloudcuckoo]

I suppose I wrote a lot of stupid things from the wrong perspective, but I guess having an affair is pretty stupid to begin with. I would never take my son against my wife's will. I caught her 'cheating' with other men. I say 'cheating' because it was only online. I know I deserved that. I then ruined the perfect moment to come out with my truth, and reconcile with my wife, but instead I got mad at her and I continued with my mistress. I guess you will hate me even more now, but that is what happened. My wife and I did get back together, and I did eventually stop seeing my mistress but I never stopped contacting her.

 

Now my mistress is ready to move on although she said she wants to stay best friends. I know it is best for her to move on, and I don't know what I have been thinking while we stayed in touch, but I just feel very hurt now. My head is a mess. I know my wife deserves a better husband, and I want to be a better husband for her, but I can't be in love with 2 women at the same time. It will take some time to fall back in love with my wife again if that is even possible. I need to figure that out. So in the mean time I am hurting and I am here to learn.

 

Thanks jenkins95

 

Are you saying that you discovered that your wife was entertaining other men online WHILE you were conducting your affair?

[sandylee1]

What is stopping you from getting divorced?

You and your wife came into this world on your own and can live without each other.

 

You can coparent sucessfully.

You are not conjoined twins.

Staying in a marriage where you are not happy is pointless.

If your wife is also unhappy, she may decide to physically cheat like you did. What then?

 

Set each other free as life is too short to be miserable.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Omg what a mess you created, and now all you can do is still think of yourself. Your not thinking of either woman, just your own little world. It's obvious what you need to do here, do you have the b***s to do it? LEAVE BOTH WOMEN. Neither deserve your pathetic going between, leaving both hanging on with breadcrumbs because YOU want to feel better, having your ego stroked as they say. Your wife deserves the truth and to move on to a MAN who will love her, your mistress has tried to get you and failed, now she is moving on, let her go. Stop being so damn selfish and think of THEM instead of yourself. Have you spoken to your wife about the lack of sex/intimacy? Maybe you should have tried that before you found another. Too late now though. And to hug your wife and feel nothing but think about your OW is despicable. How low can you be? Are you sure your OW still won't tell your wife? She may well do so.

[Satu]

A tale of two women and a man who loves neither.

 

Find out what love is.

[truncated]

Op,

until you stop seeing both you and your ow as victims, nothing will change.

 

Neither of you is a victim. Neither of you was blindly led up the garden path. You were both willing to hurt your wife and child to get what you wanted, and your ex ow even encouraged you to do so.

 

When i red your words, you both strike me as two very immature, entitled people.

 

That just plain sucks.

 

The good news is that, if you really want to, you can make some changes to your life. Step one is being honest with your wife. Give her the dignity and opportunity to make informed choices about her life. If she decides to leave you, that will be her decision She may decide to stay and work with you to rebuild things, and her having full knowledge of the affair will let you both start from the very bottom up. That will mean counseling for the two of you, complete no contact with your ex other woman, and a lot of work.

 

The really good news is that, if you both want it enough, it can happen.

[sandylee1]

The irony of a mistress that doesn't want her married lover to sleep with his wife. People never cease to amaze me.

[themarriedman]

Are you saying that you discovered that your wife was entertaining other men online WHILE you were conducting your affair?

Eehh no although I could have if my mistress had told me. It is actually a crazy story. My wife was acting weird, and sometimes she went to sleep in another room. She said it was because she got up early to go jogging and she didn't want to wake me up. I didn't suspect a thing but one time when she was out jogging I saw her phone and there was a sex message on it. I saw some of the chat, and I figured it out.

 

Now the crazy part is that my mistress then told me she had known for pretty much a year but just never told me. I guess that made her feel better herself for going out with me or something. My mistress is some kind of hacker, and she had found my wife's PIN on Facebook and then she was able to hack my wife's phone. I got some of the chat and pics from my mistress to confront my wife. My wife must have thought I was a genius.

 

I don't know exactly how it works. She never wanted to tell me because it was all some secret programming. My mistress told me she does these 'background checks' on many people so she is never fooled by anyone, but I thought it was creepy and I was mad at her for not telling me. I only have an old phone myself, but be careful out there with your phones!

[purplesorrow]

Why was she doing a background check on your wife?

[Popsicle]

You'll get over it. You can't stay friends though.

[themarriedman]

I think she said she was just curious. I don't really know. It was 2 years ago. When my head is a bit clearer like now I can see this mistress wasn't good for me. I really want to become a better husband for my wife. I couldn't leave her before and I do think I still love her. I just need some time to figure it all out and start talking to my wife again. Thanks.

Edited August 20, 2015 by themarriedman

[Minnie09]

If this story is true, that's beyond creepy.

She spies on your W? Huh?

Do you think that's a healthy attitude?

What else is she capable of? Braking into your house and searching through your drawers while you're on a family vaca? Jesus.

Anyhow, since you both have had affairs, don't you think that would be a good starting point for a general relationship discussion? Maybe you both can figure out together what you're missing in your M, and then decide together whether or not continuing is actually worth it. I mean, you have a good "icebreaker" right there, since you're not the only one who's unfaithful. I'm sure these circumstances will make it easier for you to talk about everything openly and honestly. Not everybody has that chance, since usually there's only one cheater in a relationship. Just being pragmatic here.

[Satu]

It seems that some people just don't have a conscience.

[stillafool]

I suppose I wrote a lot of stupid things from the wrong perspective, but I guess having an affair is pretty stupid to begin with. I would never take my son against my wife's will. I caught her 'cheating' with other men. I say 'cheating' because it was only online. I know I deserved that. I then ruined the perfect moment to come out with my truth, and reconcile with my wife, but instead I got mad at her and I continued with my mistress. I guess you will hate me even more now, but that is what happened. My wife and I did get back together, and I did eventually stop seeing my mistress but I never stopped contacting her.

 

Now my mistress is ready to move on although she said she wants to stay best friends. I know it is best for her to move on, and I don't know what I have been thinking while we stayed in touch, but I just feel very hurt now. My head is a mess. I know my wife deserves a better husband, and I want to be a better husband for her, but I can't be in love with 2 women at the same time. It will take some time to fall back in love with my wife again if that is even possible. I need to figure that out. So in the mean time I am hurting and I am here to learn.

 

Thanks jenkins95

 

You can stop the pain by divorcing your wife and pursuing the woman you love which is your mistress. You've admitted that your wife deserves better, that you can't love 2 women. I certainly agree that your wife deserves better than you so why don't you do the right thing and confess to your wife. Your wife probably isn't in love with you anymore either and that's why you only have sex 2 times a year and she's trolling online. Tell her the truth about your other life and you may be in for a surprise.