Perspective from a MM

[jaskiegs]

Hello Jaskiegs,

 

Thanks for doing this, its very interesting to get this kind of perspective from a position so different from my own.

 

I have a few questions regarding your marriage;

Why did you propose to your now wife?

 

We dated all through college and lived together afterward. She made it clear that it was time and it felt like the "next" thing that was supposed to happen. And, I wanted a family and all that entails. I cared for her a great deal but there were definitely things that made us not compatible (don't ask...I'll disclose anything about me but less about her).

 

When did you feel things started being unfulfilling in your marriage, was it before the AP came along or after?

 

Definitely before the AP. I once read that affairs of this kind are kind of like a slightly drunk person walking through a garden with an empty wine glass when they come across someone with a bottle of wine. I think that is a pretty decent analogy for my situation. As everyone says, I did not go looking for it. The problem is that I was not protecting against it.

 

We're you actively looking for an affair to fulfil your unmet needs? If not, did you have some kind of plan to resolve the issues you were having?

Have you actually ever had a conversation with your wife along the lines of 'I am currently so unfulfilled/unhappy etc that I am seriously considering sleeping with/forming an inappropriate emotional attachment with another woman'?

 

Men are not good at planning to resolve emotional issues in general. In retrospect, I should have started seeing a therapist. But I didn't. And, no, I didn't tell her I was thinking about that because until it started happening, I didn't think it ever would.

 

Do you feel if your wife had behaved differently you wouldn't have had the affair?

 

To be clear, my behavior, my responsibility. No, I do not believe she could have done anything because it is who she is, not what she does. It was about my own weakness, not her faults. She might have done something to prevent me from divorcing her but I didn't divorce her. I can hardly blame another person for my behavior let alone behavior about which she doesn't know.

 

Now, a word of caution to MW (and MM and people in relationships, for that matter). Pay attention to your SO. It was a long path toward my A and even though it was not her fault, she should have been able to see it before it came or while it was happening. That's not blame, just advice.

 

 

Sorry, went on a bit longer than I originally intended there...

 

Not a problem. It's why I'm here.

[autumnnight]

As everyone says, I did not go looking for it. The problem is that I was not protecting against it.

 

This is something that every married person who is feeling ANY level of unhappiness needs to read.

[jwi71]

Let me start with my marriage. I am not at all confident that it will last and not necessarily because of my infidelity. I care for my wife and respect her qualities - she is funny, intelligent, a good mother, etc. But we met when we were teenagers (me 19, her 18). We would make good friends but not great mates. But I decided not to give into pessimism. Being in the A, I have been a very poor H (obviously) so I'm going to see what happens when I am a better H. In the A, as I am sure you well know, everything seems amazing with you AP. But I've come to suspect that the best you can hope for over the long term (20, 30, 40 years) is a relationship that is just OK but based on shared history. So I am working on that.

 

I hear nothing on what you are doing to improve (or end) your M.

What actions can you take to accomplish either? Have your W what she thinks of your M? Perhaps you should, provided you have not, that you think your M is "ok" and maybe its best to be apart.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that the best ANY human, in the long term, can hope to achieve in a committed R is "ok". In fact, to me, after at least a decade together, you find your R is "ok" you should feel blessed.

 

You didn't ask, but I've decided not to disclose. THere are arguments for either side but I do not think I am a serial cheater and if I am able to stay in the M, then I don't think disclosure is useful. I could be wrong on this and perhaps I am deluding myself. It is something I am working on in therapy.

 

I didn't ask as I already knew your answer. They true reason you don't tell is to avoid consequences. Everything else is just fluff you tell yourself to justify doing so. Its also about control. You wouldn't dream of giving your W any control over her own life, her own M and her own destiny - she might choose to leave you. And Im uncertain if the actual leaving or her exercising that choice to do so is worse. I'll let you figure that one out.

 

As for my life, that's too early to answer. There have been times when I've contemplated suicide but I wouldn't do it because I could never hurt my kids that way. So I'll have to say, we'll see. On the plus side, I decided to stop gradual suicide and have lost 40 pounds and become physically healthier.

 

What I meant was are you happy? With YOU. Do you like who you are? The life you lead? Are you proud of yourself? The trajectory of your life? What would you do differently? Anything? Nothing?

 

As for my goals on LS, I come here to read the pain in OW's posts so that I remember what I've done. When I have the urge to run over to my ex AP's place and beg her to take me back, I come here and read how stupid the thought is and it gets me through another day.

 

It sounds to me you are using her as a crutch for your unhappiness. A living breathing salve. Horribly unfair to you, your OW, your W, your children and everyone and everything in your life.

 

I see you are in therapy (IC I presume). I hope you stick with it. I see here, in the few posts you provide, an unwillingness to dig deeper. But that may be a choice to not share (or maybe to lazy to type long tomes of text). Do not avoid hard. Or ugly. Face it. We all have it.

 

So few face it.

 

You cannot imagine the strength you find when you accept the ugly. Learn to embrace it - accept that it is there. Understand it. Work around it. Talk about freedom? That's being free. That's being happy. Not living your days M to a woman you do not love, not really loving yourself, all the while pining for the illusory hope of a new life your AP offers. Never once acting. Here you are. Same marital bed. Same wife. Same life. Same trajectory. Same unfulfilled loneliness.

 

I hope you stick with therapy. I hope you finally decide to make a choice - whatever path you pick.

 

You control your life.

 

Do so.

[jaskiegs]

Thanks for all the responses. Now that this has been moved to another forum, I am no longer going to respond. The purpose was to have a discussion with OW from the viewpoint of a MM. The rules and restrictions of LS exceed my interest in continuing it.

 

Good luck to everyone.

[Popsicle]

Thanks for all the responses. Now that this has been moved to another forum, I am no longer going to respond. The purpose was to have a discussion with OW from the viewpoint of a MM. The rules and restrictions of LS exceed my interest in continuing it.

 

Good luck to everyone.

 

I hear you on that.

 

Darn because I wanted to ask you if you think you would have happier in an A with a MOW.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I got to ask...what the heck did YOU do for your wife? did you show her you love her? show her affection/intimacy etc? or did you do what most do....take take take. You want all, but give nothing. If YOU stop working in the marriage, the other cannot make up for it no matter what she does. YOU gave up. You could have sat with your wife to talk about the lack of sex, and ask her what she feels and thinks.....did you do that, or did you used it as your excuse to cheat? Same thing out of MM's mouths, no sex at home....ask yourself WHY, better still ask your wife why. It might just surprise you what she says, you don't pay her attention anymore, you don't make her feel wanted/sexy/special to you. A marriage takes 2 to work, if one stops trying...it's done. Stop being so selfish stringing along your wife (you said you pulled away, she tries harder) that it beyond unfair to her. And stop dragging your OW along the gravel path, she deserves some respect too, being as you told her you were leaving your wife and even bought her an engagement ring. Geez....MAN UP. If it's really that bad at home then leave BEFORE you cause untold damage/pain to all involved. You won't do that though, as you said.....it doesn't benefit YOU. Selfish. Does it benefit your wife? your girlfriend? Oh. only YOU.

[OldRover]

Thanks for all the responses. Now that this has been moved to another forum, I am no longer going to respond. The purpose was to have a discussion with OW from the viewpoint of a MM. The rules and restrictions of LS exceed my interest in continuing it.

 

Good luck to everyone.

 

Interesting that you're leaving because this has been moved. Has no bearing on the content and the fact that some may benefit from this discussion, sorry you feel that way, but it' your choice not to post. (But you'll probably never read this)

 

However, I see no reason this discussion can't be continued... Some interesting perspective here.

[Goodbye]

I'm glad this got moved. I felt OP enjoyed the company of desperate OW's a bit too much. He needs a forum of betrayed spouses to listen to his tale of woe.

[waterwoman]

Not replying anymore? Not interested in the perspective of the BW? How odd. You really don't care about her at all do you?

 

Give the poor woman the facts and offer a divorce.

 

BTW the warning to BS about not being aware. Does that apply to the WS too. Are they not responsible for taking the pulse of their marital relationship?

[OldRover]

Maybe.....if there was actually some insight offered. This is no different from the usual song and dance. My wife... Blah blah, my marriage...blah blah. My wonderful ow...blah blah. Have to stay for my kids....blah blah.

 

I'm sure he could have got the same info where ever this thread ended up. Lots of the same people read different sections of the forum.

[Quiet Storm]

Maybe.....if there was actually some insight offered. This is no different from the usual song and dance. My wife... Blah blah, my marriage...blah blah. My wonderful ow...blah blah. Have to stay for my kids....blah blah.

 

I agree, but seeing it in writing from the MM provides valuable insight, IMO.

 

First, it shows how the MM lie to themselves. Not only a conflict avoider with others, but with his own self. Here is a MM declaring love for the OW, but his actions don't match that. So many OW hang onto the "he loves me", but what does that really mean to these MM?

 

The selfish entitlement can be enlightening- he's married, but felt betrayed when OW listened to her therapist and went NC. "Letting OW go for her own good", but not until OW has wasted years of her life playing the push pull game.

 

His thread also shows how MM expect absolute loyalty from OW when they can't provide it in return. We see how MM is all about self preservation, but when OW takes steps for her own good (NC), she's not worth it anymore.

 

Seeing MM's story makes it clear that MM probably isn't just a good guy in a bad situation- it's more likely that he has issues, needs intense therapy and wouldn't be a good partner for anyone.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Maybe I am mistaken...but are there not OW/FOW posts on this thread?

 

Was the OP looking for some kind of absolution from surrogate OW/FOW?

 

Is there a co-relation between OP pull back from the FOW when she put boundaries in place and signing off this thread when he could not control who posted on it?

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah, I don't see why he would discontinue just because the thread was moved. Posters go back and forth between the forums all the time. I do agree with someone else who said that it seems like he enjoyed the attention from desperate OW.

[Ms. Faust]

The more I think of it the more it is quite telling that the OP chose to abandon this thread when it was moved to the "BS section".

 

When I first saw this thread in the other forum I read it and moved on. I figured it was not even worth commenting on because nothing he said was any different than a couple of threads that I read here... In fact nothing he said was even different than what MM tell their OW.

 

Desperate people looking for answers and closure will cling to anything semi-positive that is shoveled their way, and the theme that was most attractive in this thread was " I love my OW, but, alas, we can never be together, so now I pine for her". Certain people LOVE that s#!t because it tells what they feel/hope is their story, it is something of an answer when before they had none.

 

That being said, the OP offered no new perspective, just the same old song and dance:

 

I love my OW, but the kids, ya know?

 

People lapped it up because of the forum it was in and the desperation of their own situation. The OP basked in answering questions... Well, up until it was moved to the marriage section, lol. Now he's indignant because he was only trying to give perspective to these helpless, clueless OW. Oy vey, the narcissism is staggering.

 

Oh well. Countdown to thread closure....

Edited August 22, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[William]

 

Oh well. Countdown to thread closure....

 

3....2....1...

As it appears that the OP has no desire to continue the conversation, this thread will remain closed after review. As always, thank you for your participation. ~T

Edited August 22, 2015 by William