Strange relationship with a very close female friend, what do you think?

[Lex30]

I am trying to figure out how I should handle a friendship with a close female friend that is starting to filter into other areas of my life.

 

I have had a close female friend for about 8 years now. There was a time in the past were I was really into her past friendship, but she was dating and it just never worked out. Fast forward a few years and we have maintained a very close friendship and openly refer to each other as BFFs or friends till the end. I would be lying to myself if I still didn't have some level of attraction/feelings for her but really at this point I view her as a sister and just wouldn't/don't want to go there because of how close we have been. I guess as I have gotten older, I have just learned that its rare to find and make close friends that completely get you and are really care for you as a friend.

 

As far as our friendship goes, we hang out once or twice a week. We also workout together at the gym. We text each other a ton, and whenever she is upset about something, needs advice, needs help, she texts me. We often have very long text conversations with each other. At times she will randomly text me what is going on in her day.

 

And really I get it, I am her go to person and I am 100% fine with this because I often lean on her when I need help or things are going on in my life.

 

The problem now is because of a failed relationship, I am back in the dating game. I have gone out on a few dates and it have become difficult to connect because I just feel so consumed at times by my friendship with her. Worse off I actually had a girl I really connected with, get upset that I was texting her one evening and she stopped seeing me over it. She actually texted me the next day saying you clearly are involved with this girl so she is moving on.

 

So I am really at a point where I am not too sure what to do. Should I just try to pursue a relationship with her or is it even possible based on our level of friendship? Honestly, I feel really weird about doing that.

 

Is there a way I can kindly dial down our friendship a little? I just feel if I talked to her about this, or contacted/saw her less she might take it the wrong way.

 

Any input would be helpful here!

[StalwartMind]

A delicate situation that more than likely requires an even greater insight in order to do it any justification. I like to believe that my long last friendships can stand the test of time and anything thrown at it, including the talk about intimate feelings one may have for each other. I think on some level, anyone who shares a deeper connection, will always have feelings for each other, which go above that of regular friendship. It may be difficult for some to contain, but others can live in harmony with this condition, without it would break anything.

 

I'm not going to give you any typical answer or a direct advise, everything I've experienced has been anything but traditional, both with relationships and friendships. There are too many facets of any kind of relationship we have to another human, to simply say what will or wont work. Naturally some, many in fact, feel otherwise, they believe everything is black and white, when reality is actually much different. People will only see as far as their own minds allow, truthfully there are endless many results to whatever you'd choose to do.

 

People feel insecure or doubt that which they don't understand. Some humans have really special, complex and very different friend/relationships. I think what matters the most in your given situation, is that you approach it in the way you feel the strongest about. Unfortunately there is no guarantee as to how someone else will react. If you are both sensible, then it will make all of it a lot better. Feelings need to be pushed at times, in order to bring out the truth, even within ourselves.

 

Nothing remains the same in life, everything is constantly changing, even if only by small small margins. It should be more than possible for you to dial down your friendship some, without it needs to change anything you already share. Everything in life is a choice, if we don't feel content where we currently are, with ourselves or others, then we ought to make the choice to change something, even if it brings certain unwanted elements with it. I believe that anything which is meant to be will be, whether it is a friendship, relationships or something entirely else.

 

You are both adults, maturity shows in how you choose to react to and treat others. It can be very rare to find someone you, feel you connect with so deeply, if most feelings are mutual and you otherwise feel safe and comfortable, then I see no issues with how you choose to go about this. I'm sure she'll understand either way, you never know unless you try to find out, whichever path you choose to follow.

[spiderowl]

Maybe it would help to talk to her about whether this could develop into more than friendship or not. Once you have your answer, it might be easier for you to make a decision about whether or not to dial down your relationship with her.

 

By texting her a lot when with another girl, you were (unconsciously perhaps) choosing her over your date. Maybe it was a shock to you to realise that others could see how involved you were with this old friend. If you are both spending that much time in touch with each other, how are either of you managing to have any other relationships? I would have thought her boyfriend(s) would be equally unhappy about her dedicating her time to you.

 

If she is not interested in you as a boyfriend, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you haven't already dialled this relationship down. Is it because you are still hoping at some level? Would your behaviour have been different if she had told you no way? It seems like an awful situation to be in really because you are not really emotionally available to anyone else. It looks like you need to go one way or the other because being in the middle has its drawbacks too, like being in limbo and scaring off potential girlfriends.

[Lex30]

Maybe it would help to talk to her about whether this could develop into more than friendship or not. Once you have your answer, it might be easier for you to make a decision about whether or not to dial down your relationship with her.

 

By texting her a lot when with another girl, you were (unconsciously perhaps) choosing her over your date. Maybe it was a shock to you to realise that others could see how involved you were with this old friend. If you are both spending that much time in touch with each other, how are either of you managing to have any other relationships? I would have thought her boyfriend(s) would be equally unhappy about her dedicating her time to you.

 

If she is not interested in you as a boyfriend, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you haven't already dialled this relationship down. Is it because you are still hoping at some level? Would your behaviour have been different if she had told you no way? It seems like an awful situation to be in really because you are not really emotionally available to anyone else. It looks like you need to go one way or the other because being in the middle has its drawbacks too, like being in limbo and scaring off potential girlfriends.

 

About that evening I was texting her while I was with a girl I was dating. I wasn't being rude or sitting there the whole time texting her. In fact, I really only texted her 3 times and they were in response to planning a birthday party for a mutual friend. Also, I wrote/sent two of those texts while this other girl told me, give me a minute I have to text a friend back. She only knew I was texting my female friend because I told her I can text her back about plans for this birthday party. Ultimately I think it just happened to be the last straw because she saw events we were tagged together in as well as one time we went to a party and I was talking to me old friend for a bit. Anyways, it doesn't matter, it just illustrates I was spending too much time with her while I was dating another girl.

 

And that really is the issue, I enjoy spending time, talking to and being there for my close female friend. She enjoys the same, but we are locked into this brother/sister type of relationship and we both feel the need to keep in close contact with each other.

 

She is actually in this iffy situation with a guy she dated in the past. They aren't officially together and she has told me she likes him but she knows he isn't for her. If I wanted to seriously pursue a relationship with her, I know this guy wouldn't be an issue. I would imagine this guy isn't a huge fan of me but he's never showed it towards me. They honestly don't spend a lot of time together on the whole because of conflicting work schedules. My previous serious girlfriend, at first didn't like her, but then over time began liking her alot as a friend and didn't ever view her as a threat. The reason we broke up, had to do with her moving for a new job, nothing related to my close friend.

 

If she told me, we are friends and I don't like you romantically, I honestly can say it wouldn't change the nature of our current relationship. I'd still maintain our closeness because she is a very close friend I care for on a personal level. She has demonstrated throughout our friendship, she cares for me on a personal as well. So if that angle was just completely in the open and closed off, it wouldn't change how much time we spend with each other.

 

The issue at heart is do I want to try to pursue a relationship with her? Close knit friends are a rare thing. I don't want to lose it. Also, yes I think she is very attractive but on the flip side I view her as a sister. I don't know if getting romantically involved is what I really want and I worry it could backfire. But why do I feel so compelled to reciprocate on this close friendship and really invest a lot of energy and time into her? I know I care for her.

 

Its a really odd situation and to some I probably don't even make much sense. But its a real issue. Maybe I really do love her and have strong feelings for her enough to get involved with her past where we are at? Maybe I should just need to break down this artificial boundary we both have set up.

 

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation like this, you lose touch on things about it. That is why I felt I should post it here, and get some input on things I am missing?

Edited August 21, 2015 by Lex30