He left her and she wants to see me

[Shadyandshadytoo]

My story:

I met MM in Feb. His wife is the mother of a girl who plays on the same sports team as my daughter (not his child). I was not close friends with the Mom but we knew each other and I had told her a bit about my separation Etc. When MM and I started seeing each other I stopped contact with her. We have not communicated in months.

 

MM left his wife in July and separation agreement has now been signed. He has bought a house and is moving out end of August. They have no kids together.

 

Now the wife is contacting me wanting to get together. I am certain she has no knowledge or suspicion. I know she wants to talk because she is having a rough time. I don't know what to do. I feel bad enough about everything else I don't want to also have to pretend to be her friend and listen to her problems. But I can't just ignore her either - she is very pushy and insisting on seeing me.

 

MM and I both would prefer she doesn't find out for a while. It would be ideal if it didn't 'look' like it started before they split.

 

So, do I meet her for coffee? This way she doesn't get suspicious and maybe leaves me alone after. Or do I continue ignoring her requests? This may make her suspicious though...

 

Any advice or insight would be helpful.

 

Thanks.

[purplesorrow]

Just tell her you don't want to meet. Don't pretend to be her friend.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're between a rock and a hard place. Damned if you do - and damned if you don't.

 

Which would be the lesser of the two evils?

 

I know that you and he don't want her 'finding out for a while'.

Your ideal is sure as eggs comfortable for you, but she's going through hell.

 

And frankly, if you want an opinion, here it is.

 

The price your MM has paid for his infidelity, is to have to sometimes deal with crap that he really doesn't want to deal with.

 

This is one such thing.

 

Does he know she wants to meet you?

 

Then tell him: You can't in all "good Conscience" refuse her, because she would become suspicious, and in a suspicious mind, 2 + 2 = 86.

 

So tell him that you intend to meet her - but won't lie to her.

It;s about time she knew and to hell and back with what he wants it to seem like.

 

So he has a finite time to either come clean himself - in which case, meeting her will be off the cards - and YOU will be off that particular hook - or you will tell her.

And he will have to deal with the consequences.

 

I'm sorry, but if you have an affair ('you' generic, not 'you' specifically) then you have to accept that occasionally, the ride WILL get bumpy, and things will be uncomfortable.

It's the price you pay for the indiscretion of betraying your spouse.

 

And it's not up to you, in general, to lever him out of the crap he created.

[minimariah]

...I stopped contact with her.

 

how did you stop contact with her - did the two of just stop reaching out at the same time or did you straight up avoided & ignored her...?

 

MM left his wife in July and separation agreement has now been signed. He has bought a house and is moving out end of August. They have no kids together.

 

separation agreement...? why didn't he file for the divorce right away...? is the separation a must prior to the divorce? (not familiar with the foreign laws so i'm asking).

 

Now the wife is contacting me wanting to get together. I am certain she has no knowledge or suspicion.

 

i honestly wouldn't be so sure if i were you. what was their marriage like prior to the A...? because if it wasn't all that bad (if there was sex and intimacy) & if the separation came out of the blue - she is absolutely at least suspicious of an A. because, why else to folks leave suddenly...?

 

also - does she have other close friends she can talk to? if she does and she is reaching out to YOU of all people, she absolutely knows about the A. or at the very least suspects that you're the OW.

 

So, do I meet her for coffee?

 

if you meet her without telling her the truth, she'll probably ask to meet you again & hang out. so you have two options - 1. ignore her until she gets the hint (in this case, she'll probably put the two and two together when she finds out about the two of you) & 2. meet her and tell her the truth (or at least half of it).

 

i would be honest with her and tell her that you're now seeing the MM. since you really want to cover up your A - tell her that you just started seeing him a couple of weeks ago (AFTER he went for the separation). then tell her that you don't feel comfortable around her because you're dating soon to be her ex & that it would be the best if you could just end that friendship and keep it civil when you do see each other.

 

of course... the ideal scenario would be that you grow a pair and own up to your sh*t - along with your MM.

 

it's very hard to keep an A secret - you'll get together and people will assume (no matter how much time has passed). even if the ex never tells you anything - still doesn't mean that she doesn't know. people put the two and two together, don't think otherwise because they're not upfront with you about it.

 

the only way to cover the hell out of your A is to fake date someone else (or at least your MM) and then officially start with the MM. that way it won't look like an A and the suspicion won't be there because, in the eyes of the others, you'll be his second post-separation relationship.

[TaraMaiden2]

Forgive me minimariah but I disagree about the lying part - telling the BS that she has only recently started dating the MM.

 

Because for one, liars have to have good memories, and two, she and the MM would have to have their stories 100% straight.

 

Three: Don't betrayed spouses hate 'trickle truths'...?

 

To be mocked and lied to (lying to her now is taking her for a gullible idiot, which just adds salt to the wound) at this stage, and to be told that 'no honestly, we've just started dating' when it's about as far form the truth as anything could be - just adds more misery when inevitably, the truth WILL out.

 

And as you and I both agree: The ideal would be for both of them to 'own it'.

 

And I think we both believe that is the best way to go.

Sure, there's a fall-out.

but you know what?

This too shall pass.

 

As for the remainder of your post: Very thought provoking, in that yes, why does she want to meet up with the OP, after all this time, and why is it an 'official separation' and not the begining of divorce proceedings?

[minimariah]

Forgive me minimariah but I disagree about the lying part - telling the BS that she has only recently started dating the MM.

 

no worries, Tara!

i love your posts and absolutely agree with you - they should both come clean because if you can't do the crime....? right?

 

however - i doubt the OP or her MM have it in them to do what's right and face the backlash. because of that, i kind of went with the lying as the second best option - that way, the OP will at least tell half of the truth (i know how stupid this sounds though). for some reason, the OP is sure the A will go undetected so i was going from that.

 

but at the end of the day - telling the WHOLE truth would be the right thing. every other option is just... wrong.

 

As for the remainder of your post: Very thought provoking, in that yes, why does she want to meet up with the OP, after all this time, and why is it an 'official separation' and not the begining of divorce proceedings?

 

^^

 

not sure about the separation thing, i'm from a little European country & here... you don't need to have a separation agreements prior to the divorce. you just gotta live separately for 6 months, after that you file (IF the divorce isn't amicable, if it is - you don't gotta wait for separation period to pass). but maybe a separation agreement is a must in the OP's country or something, otherwise i really don't see the point of waiting for a divorce - especially since they don't have kids. why didn't he file just straight away?

 

& yeah, the W reaching out and being pushy after months of NC? suspicious. i'm sure the OP isn't the only person the wife can turn to + the MM left her like a MONTH ago. and she reaches out NOW?

 

i bet my kidney she knows something is up.

[eye of the storm]

My ExH was banging my best friend. And I went to her after he left me begging for a shoulder to cry on, advice, comfort....all the things best friends do. And she kept looking me in the eye, acting like my friend all the while doing my H in my house.

 

DON'T meet with her and act like a friend. You are not her friend. If you are not planning on meeting her with the truth and owning what you did to her, continue to avoid her. Trust me it is kinder than her finding out later someone she thought was a friend was in on her betrayal the whole time.

 

Just continue to avoid avoid avoid.

[daisygirl19]

Stay away from her. Nothing good can come of it. Read my threads if you want to know how damaging it can be. It's the story of my life...

[Grapesofwrath]

Don't meet with her. Avoid her. If that arouses her suspicions, then that's the price you pay. But to sit with her and lie to her face takes you to a whole other level of duplicity. If she persists in trying to meet with you, ask your AP to speak with her, honestly, about what has occurred. He has to man up and deal with the consequences of his actions.

 

I agree that it's likely she has suspicions already. When couples separate, the first question that is asked is, "was there someone else?" Very often there is. So I'm confident she is wondering about that and trying to get some answers.

[Got it]

I don't recommend meeting with her unless you plan to tell her the truth. Anything else is just adding insult to injury. Assume if she doesn't know now, she will and you don't want to add continued betrayal to the list. Just let it go and tell her you aren't available, don't return the calls, etc.

 

Since she knows you at some point you two will have to talk about your dating her (ex) husband but I wouldn't talk unless you are ready to have that discussion.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Don't meet with her. Avoid her. If that arouses her suspicions, then that's the price you pay. But to sit with her and lie to her face takes you to a whole other level of duplicity. If she persists in trying to meet with you, ask your AP to speak with her, honestly, about what has occurred. He has to man up and deal with the consequences of his actions.

 

I agree that it's likely she has suspicions already. When couples separate, the first question that is asked is, "was there someone else?" Very often there is. So I'm confident she is wondering about that and trying to get some answers.

 

I'm very much in agreement with Grapes.

 

This woman has ideas of her own.

 

Come on, women are predisposed to trusting their instincts, and whether we like the size of the alarm bells going off or not, we can only ignore them until they become so deafening that we have no choice but to act.

 

Give her plenty of room until she's decided what she's going to do.

[Sub]

When MM and I started seeing each other I stopped contact with her.

 

MM and I both would prefer she doesn't find out for a while. It would be ideal if it didn't 'look' like it started before they split.

 

I'm not sure that's possible. She probably already wonders why you stopped contact. Now if you don't talk to her, the suspicion rises. Unless she's a complete moron, she's going to put it together: You stopped talking to her....her H leaves her....you don't meet for coffee to discuss it....then you're dating her H.

 

Question is: when do you want to deal with the s**tstorm? The sooner you or the MM do it, the sooner you and the MM can go public.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Don't meet with her unless you're prepared to tell her the truth.

 

You could just

1. ignore her

2. tell her you have too much going on right now to meet her or

3. tell her your own life is overwhelming you right now and you wouldn't be of any help to her.

 

But, it's possible that she suspects or knows about you and her H and wants to meet you to feel the situation out more and possibly confront you if her intuition gets stronger when she's with you.

 

To my way of thinking it's really her H's place to tell her he's seeing someone else and he really should do it.

Edited August 20, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[sandylee1]

She probably wants to talk to you as another woman who has gone through a seperation.

 

Was she blindsided by him leaving?

[HappyAgain2014]

Best case scenario is that she doesn't know or suspect you of being involved with her husband. Even if that's true, how will she feel if you meet with her, she spills her guts, then a year from now you "start" dating her husband?

 

You can't control him gaslighting her but you have a choice here.

 

Don't humiliate her or yourself to protect him.

 

What is he saying? It's sad how willing he is to let you face her. Will be even more sad if you go through with it and lie or allow her to trust you with her devastation.

[Grapesofwrath]

I used to have a friend, let's call her Lily, who had developed a pattern of sleeping with the husbands of her friends/acquaintances. Because of her depravity in this way, I had to stop being her friend. Here's one reason why:

 

Lily met a woman through her children's school. Their sons were classmates and they became friends. In getting to know each other, this woman shared that her husband had cheated on her while she was being treated for breast cancer. Soon thereafter, Lily started sleeping with her husband. During that A, Lily had lunch with this unsuspecting wife because they were "friends." The wife shared that she had recently undergone reconstructive breast surgery to rebuild what the cancer had taken from her and that she was feeling unattractive and disinterested in sex as a result. Lily sat there and listened to this, offering her "support" all the while knowing that she was sleeping with this woman's husband.

 

While your situation is not the same, I'm sure you can see the parallels. Don't stoop to this level.

[SolG]

...why is it an 'official separation' and not the begining of divorce proceedings?

 

Where I live there are two processes involved. 1) The legal division of assets, determination of alimony, child support and custody. This can be initiated once separated for six months. 2) Divorce itself; the legal dissolution of the actual marriage. This can't happen until separated for at least twelve months.

 

Some people take a phased approach, others wait until the twelve month mark and do it all together. My xH and I did phase one once separated for six months (under one roof). That took about another six months to finalise all the agreements and I then moved into my own place. We haven't ever gotten around to actually divorcing as we can't see the point in the exercise and expenditure when neither of us is looking (at this point) to remarry. We'll split the cost and file together if/when xH decides to remarry.

 

But back to the OP... I am in the don't talk to her camp. You aren't her friend so don't pretend to be.

Edited August 21, 2015 by SolG

[Poppy47]

I think she already knows. Why contact you again after all this time when you were only casual acquaintances.

 

If you don't want to be truthful, don't see her.

 

You could find yourself in a very messy situation.

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

I think she already knows. Why contact you again after all this time when you were only casual acquaintances.

 

If you don't want to be truthful, don't see her.

 

You could find yourself in a very messy situation.

 

Poppy.

 

It is going to get very messy anyway.

It all depends on whether the OP is willing to take the lies and deceit to another level and be the supporter and confidante of his wife, whilst the MM and she, as the OW, plan their future life together.

[bathtub-row]

I strongly advise you not to tell her - or anyone - about your affair. People are very judgmental about that. Aside from that, there's no need to hurt her further. I would tell her that you're really busy but will try to get together with her as soon as you can. Just keep putting her off until she disappears. If she's that pushy, then just start ignoring her as much as you can.

[Sub]

Just keep putting her off until she disappears. If she's that pushy, then just start ignoring her as much as you can.

 

A "disappearance" sounds very magical. Poof! She's gone.

But she'll be hard to ignore once she realizes the OP is dating her xH. Unless the real magic act is keeping the R invisible forever.

[Lovemesomehim]

Stay away from this lady. She's hurting enough. The knife is already there....by going to meet her and have her cry on your shoulder is pushing the blade even further.

And please do not think for one minute when she finds out you're dating her husband, even though they are separated, she'll be clueless.

[bathtub-row]

A "disappearance" sounds very magical. Poof! She's gone.

But she'll be hard to ignore once she realizes the OP is dating her xH. Unless the real magic act is keeping the R invisible forever.

 

If it's months down the road when they start dating openly, she can think what she wants. There's no law that says they have to tell her anything.

[Robert]

Seems it was a drive by thread starter, if they choose to come back then alert on my post and we will reopen the thread , thanks