How to say you've changed your mind about flirting

[QuirkyDuck]

Hi all,

 

I'm the typical 'needed attention' girl, who is with a wonderful guy for 7 years now. I fell into a bad habit and flirted with a guy in an online group we are all a part of. To be fair, at first I thought he was gay, so we traded secrets and laughed like pals, until he started hitting on me. I'll admit, I was flattered, and didn't think too much about flirting back, since it was no secret to the entire group that my boyfriend (also part of the group) and I were living together and etc.

 

But now that I've had some rest and gotten weird messages from the guy, I'm regretting my actions. I added him on facebook, like the others, and was texting him (not like the others) and I feel awful about it. We didn't do sex texting or anything, just discussed things of a sexual nature, like our preferences, with/without present and past partners.

 

I was honest with him, he asked if I was using him as a distraction, and I said I thought of him as a friend, and liked talking to him, but I was not going to move across the globe or send naked pictures or anything of the kind.

 

I really want to distance myself from him now, without leaving the group, because they are all great people and it was my dumb mistake to be so flirtatious and desperate for attention. I am also afraid that if I do it the wrong way and piss him off, he will tell my boyfriend things I said, which will really hurt him.

 

I already feel ashamed and gross because my boyfriend is an amazing guy, and I just got really flattered and frankly kinda horny (its been a while)

 

My question is this, any advice on what to say to express that I think I made a mistake in being so flirtatious with this guy, and to request of him that we go back to being just friends, without making him want to lash back and hurt my relationship? I know sometimes you just have to eat your consequences, but I'd rather suffer than make my boyfriend feel like it was something to do with his own failure to be a good boyfriend or something, you know? He takes these things so much to heart and I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

 

Thank you guys for anything you might give me to help fix this situation.

[Davey L]

I suggest you send him one message saying that you are sorry for leading him on, that you enjoyed the communication but that you have to stop now as it has become inappropriate as you are already spoken for. You owe him that. Then just remove him from Facebook etc and stop messaging him.

 

If I were him I'd accept that, and remember it with some fondness for a while before moving on.

[jen1447]

Personally I'd be somewhat more forceful about it rather than diplomatic, and just deal with whatever the consequences are. That way he's not holding you hostage. If he shoots his load, so be it - that's all he's got. If you negotiate he may change the terms willy-nilly and generally hang it over your head. Eff that.

[Davey L]

Jen, I have to say that based on the information given the poor guy hasn't done a lot wrong other than to flirt with a woman who reciprocated. Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned but he hasn't done anything to warrant any unpleasant reply or to be denied the courtesy of a brief apology and explanation. If her were to then attempt to continue things and not respect her request to cut it off, then a harder line would be warranted.

 

Of course there may be detail that I'm not aware of, in which case an alternative strategy might be more appropriate.

[jen1447]

Jen, I have to say that based on the information given the poor guy hasn't done a lot wrong other than to flirt with a woman who reciprocated. Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned but he hasn't done anything to warrant any unpleasant reply or to be denied the courtesy of a brief apology and explanation. If her were to then attempt to continue things and not respect her request to cut it off, then a harder line would be warranted.

 

Of course there may be detail that I'm not aware of, in which case an alternative strategy might be more appropriate.

 

Sounds fair. I guess I'm assessing the "weird messages" and OP's fear of retribution as potential indicators of a poor base for negotiations, but if he's actually a cool guy, by all means start with a happy talk.