ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I've been in a long distance relationship with the most amazing, sweet, kind, caring and loving man i've ever known, for 7 months, we've really fell so madly in love with eachother, we skype and cam every day, but this is the worst part, we talked about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, and eventually settling down and getting married, but my parents don't approve, not only because of the huge age gap, but because of the baggage he's got, 3 boys and a little girl, and also how controlling he gets whenever i'm talking to family members or if i'm going out, he sets a time limit of how long i should be out for, and if i'm not back there when he wants, he gets moody. i want to say that i suffer from depression and anxiety, and i've been finding myself crying every day because i love him so much, and i'm constantly worrying about him, especially when we're away from eachother, for even 15 minutes, it sets a panic off, and i've become very anxious day in and day out, and it's affected my life in a horrible way, i don't go out hardly, and i'm forgetting important life things because my mind is always on him, and my temper has gotten worse, and i've realized that i just can't deal with a relationship right now, my parents and my therapist think it's for the best that i end it with him, and at the time i come to the realization that it really is for the best, but then even seeing his name changes my mind completely, because then i start analyzing the breakup and it kills knowing that i'd be crushing the heart of someone who loves me so much with all of it, and trusts me with all of it, and who says, that he couldn't bear to lose me, and the thought of him being depressed, feeling hopeless, harming himself, or worse it knocks me sick to my stomach , god i love him so much, and i care about him, and i just want him to be happy, but i need to face facts that this internet love won't go nowhere, and that i'm too poorly mentally to handle a relationship and taking care of him, giving him everything he deserves, because i can't even take proper care of myself, or even love myself, so how can i take care of another like that, without letting myself go? it just can't happen, and i'm so torn up about this....what should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Did you ever met this guy in person? He is giving you 15 minutes away from each other mean online? or in person? I don't get it. I know you are in love but explain more how he is controlling you when you are not living together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 we haven't met yet in real, but we were planning to this month or next, 7 months ldr, i know many people will doubt this, but i really do think alot of him, and i care so much for him, and i do have strong feelings for him, we cam every day, and we have shared so much about ourselves with eachother. and well, if i'm talking to a family member he says he feels out of place, and that i take too long talking to them, and sometimes he gets a little moody about it afterwards, and if i go out anywhere, he says things like "i want you back in an hour" or "i expect you back no longer than say 20 minutes" things like that, my parents don't like it, but until now i had been seeing that as him just worrying a little because he cared, but i'm not so sure about it anymore, but aside from that, he's really sweet, and caring and he does have feelings for me i know it, but i can't take care of him, and it's eating away at me the thought of breaking his precious little heart Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 we haven't met yet in real, but we were planning to this month or next, 7 months ldr, i know many people will doubt this, but i really do think alot of him, and i care so much for him, and i do have strong feelings for him, we cam every day, and we have shared so much about ourselves with eachother. and well, if i'm talking to a family member he says he feels out of place, and that i take too long talking to them, and sometimes he gets a little moody about it afterwards, and if i go out anywhere, he says things like "i want you back in an hour" or "i expect you back no longer than say 20 minutes" things like that, my parents don't like it, but until now i had been seeing that as him just worrying a little because he cared, but i'm not so sure about it anymore, but aside from that, he's really sweet, and caring and he does have feelings for me i know it, but i can't take care of him, and it's eating away at me the thought of breaking his precious little heart He doesn't do it because he cares. He does it because he's a controlling and manipulative jerk. Girl, he doesn't love you. A man who really loved you would never treat you like his property. And he's never even met you. If he had the ability to make your life miserable from behind a computer screen, imagine what a nightmare he would be in person. He doesn't have a "precious little heart," so don't worry about that for a hot second! Trust me, he will be just fine if you end this. He'll just move on the next target, because this has nothing to do with love at all; this is all about power and control. He's never met you so there's no possible way he can love you. That is not how love works. He's just looking for someone he can boss around and validate him. He is displaying disturbing signs of emotional abuse and you need to cut contact with him. Your parents have every right to be worried about this. He's a tool. Continue to talk this through with your therapist and work on your self-esteem. You need to be a lot more secure with yourself, and not let someone treat you this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Listen to your parents & your therapist. This man is not healthy for you. He's controlling & manipulative. People who love you do not set time limits about your interactions with family & friends. IRL, he'll probably lock you in the house. I'm serious. It happens. He's a guy on the internet. Nothing more. You don't even know him. You are in love with who you think he is. You have no idea who he actually is because you have never met him. A good genuine guy would be making plans to come to you to win over your family, not tear you away from them or get moody when you interact with them. You are also not ready to be with somebody who has kids. They are children not baggage. This relationship is a fantasy you have constructed in your mind. The fantasy is preventing you from seeing what a dangerous unhealthy situation he presents. He doesn't love you. He wants to control you. He's dangerous. My advice: shut your computer off. Get a family member to block him because you are not able to protect yourself. Date somebody local who likes your family & who has your best interests at heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 End this relationship right now please!.Don't be so naive, or worried about breaking his little heart, he does not have any. My my my, how did he manage to manipulate you that way?! Listen to your parents. This guy does not love you. if He is controlling you at distance, imagine when you are together. You would not have any life, you will stay in his jail cell at his home. Stay away from him. This is not love, there is a sickness in this and please open your eyes! He is using your weakness to roll you into his web. Once there, he will engulf you and you will not be able to breath. I am happy for you and proud since you come here for advice. Please be careful and listen to your therapist and parents. They will help you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 before my update on what's going on, i want to thank you all so much for your replies, it has helped a little, but i don't think that he is a manipulative jerk, he can't be because i can clearly see that he's happy with me, we write letters to eachother every day, we cam all day, and his family know me i've spoken to all of them, i just don't know, but today my anxiety has really flared up, because his ex has arrived to stay the night there with their children, she's been wanting him back for 2 months, and it's been hard for me, because she continuously sent hearts and countless messages stating that she still loves him, and apologizing for cheating, god i just can't handle it, i can't help but to think that she'll seduce him and use their children to get back with him ='( Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 well, just now he heard me writing my message here, and he asked who i was writing to, i just said it was to my mother, and his reply? "oh, i thought you would be writing to me, nice..." , not right is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 feeling so down right now, his ex just came and interrupted our conversation, and now they're laughing together and she's showing him her pictures, i don't know how to handle this, my anxiety is through the roof, i wish i had it in me to just end this call and walk away, but i really don't, i love him... Link to post Share on other sites
Penguin_hugs Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 This sounds like an odd situation- why do you cam all day? Don't you have things to do and lives to lead? I'm LDR too- but that's because my BF had to move for work. We keep our skyping to about an hour once or twice a week so that it is quality time. Regardless- your relationship doesn't sound healthy. And I don't believe a relationship is real til you have actually met someone in person. I messaged a guy online for 4 months- we got on really well and thought we wanted to date. When we finally met IRL we realised the spark just wasn't there in person. We are still friends though. I recommend as other posters have said- it's time to cut your losses. Move on, find someone in the real world- or if it's LDR make sure you meet regularly. Find someone at the same stage as you in life. Yes, it will be hard to move on- but love is not staring at a computer screen. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 OP, how old are you? How old is this man? He is playing you like a fiddle. And he is a jerk. Do you work or study? Have you dated around much before? What interests or hobbies do you have? I'm asking because it seems you life is way out of balance and you have put far too much focus on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 i'm 21, and he's almost 40, i know, you might freak out, and my parents don't like the age gap, they say that he's old enough to be my father, and i'm not doubting that, but i just love him. i have tried to end it before, but he literally cried on cam, and said he couldn't bear to lose me because i make him very happy, and said that he was immediately going to jump on a plane and come to me, and i told him he couldn't not yet, my parents refused, and he accepted, but begged me not to go, and i felt ever so bad, for hurting him, and it's just the thought of hurting him now by leaving, that's knocking me sick to my stomach, i don't want to leave him, but i know that i need to at some point, because it's making me bad, and it's not fair on my family =/ Link to post Share on other sites
Penguin_hugs Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 He's emotionally playing you and it needs to stop. To make it easier- send him a message saying it is over, you are not at the right stages of your life for this relationship and not to contact you. Then delete all his contact details. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 i'm 21, and he's almost 40, i know, you might freak out, and my parents don't like the age gap, they say that he's old enough to be my father, and i'm not doubting that, but i just love him. i have tried to end it before, but he literally cried on cam, and said he couldn't bear to lose me because i make him very happy, and said that he was immediately going to jump on a plane and come to me, and i told him he couldn't not yet, my parents refused, and he accepted, but begged me not to go, and i felt ever so bad, for hurting him, and it's just the thought of hurting him now by leaving, that's knocking me sick to my stomach, i don't want to leave him, but i know that i need to at some point, because it's making me bad, and it's not fair on my family =/ What is your definition of love? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 to me, love is accepting another for who they are, caring for them, their well being, their feelings, and thoughts as if they were a family member, as well as being able to take care of yourself too, something i just can't do right now, and being there for them at both bad and good times, as they say, loving and caring so much for another is hard and can be painful when you don't love yourself, and can't take care of yourself, and i'm struggling with both of those things at the moment, so how can i keep this relationship going anyway? even if we did meet irl, i mean i do make an effort to be there at my computer when he needs me, but it's getting too much for me to handle, and i agree with one of the commenters, i'm not ready for a relationship in the state that i'm in, but the hardest part of this will be breaking his heart, because of my own selfsh reasons, i can't take care of him =/ , and he won't accept this, he will find a way to contact me... i've seen what he can do... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 to me, love is accepting another for who they are, caring for them, their well being, their feelings, and thoughts as if they were a family member, as well as being able to take care of yourself too, something i just can't do right now, and being there for them at both bad and good times, as they say, loving and caring so much for another is hard and can be painful when you don't love yourself, and can't take care of yourself, and i'm struggling with both of those things at the moment, so how can i keep this relationship going anyway? even if we did meet irl, i mean i do make an effort to be there at my computer when he needs me, but it's getting too much for me to handle, and i agree with one of the commenters, i'm not ready for a relationship in the state that i'm in, but the hardest part of this will be breaking his heart, because of my own selfsh reasons, i can't take care of him =/ , and he won't accept this, he will find a way to contact me... i've seen what he can do... You're not going to be breaking his heart. This man is manipulative and knows exactly how to control you and make you feel guilty. Any healthy 40-year-old man would not behave the way this one does and prey on a much younger woman like this. There is a reason he's zeroed in on you; he sees your weak points and exploits them. He knows exactly what to say to get you where he wants you. You're also not being selfish for looking out for yourself. As for love meaning that you care for someone's needs, thoughts and well-being? He's playing happy homes with his ex-wife while you're sitting here hurting. Sorry, but he doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Someone who cares so little does not love you. Yes, that's blunt. But it's also true. He uses you to prop up his ego and make himself feel powerful. This clown is already emotionally abusing you. There are too many red flags here to count and you have right to be concerned. And what do you mean you see what he can do? Does he know where you live? Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 It is wrong wrong and wrong. We really want to know what that guy does as living, what do you do all day? you don't not have any other activities? work? this guy does not have a life? being on cam all day for a 40 year old father? what is wrong with this situation? Being on cam all day is not normal. I think at this point, you are the one who imagine that he loves you. You are concerned about breaking his heart. It could be in your mind or he manipulated you to the point that you believe in his love. He does not love you. You don't even know for sure if he and his wife are not longer together. WHo knows if they are not playing a game? Now they started training you how to accept her, and let you watch their interaction. He is a gamer. Please end this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 how can i be sure that he doesn't love me though? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 how can i be sure that he doesn't love me though? He can't love you if he's never even met you. Also, his behaviour indicates it's not love. Please google "emotional abuse", you are going to see the signs with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 and if i go out anywhere, he says things like "i want you back in an hour" or "i expect you back no longer than say 20 minutes" things like that, my parents don't like it, but until now i had been seeing that as him just worrying a little because he cared, but i'm not so sure about it anymore, but aside from that, he's really sweet, and caring and he does have feelings for me i know it, but i can't take care of him, and it's eating away at me the thought of breaking his precious little heart Good lord. I doubt you'll 'break his heart.' You've never even met him and playing house with him over Skype does not a 'relationship' make. You said this clown has a bunch of kids. How is he able to actually raise them if he's playing on the computer with you all the time? Chaining yourself to your computer like a good little online slave to entertain some emotionally stunted guy who's much older than you is so utterly ridiculous it's actually sad. The sad part is that you're obviously very young and inexperienced and think some nasty, controlling cyber guy is the 'love' of your life. If you had more life experience, you'd see how utterly ridiculous this whole thing is. But you won't because you're too young to know any better and think he 'loves' you. You have this childishly idealistic vision of what you THINK this whole mess is, but that's because you refuse to take off the rose-colored glasses and realize this older jerk is just taking you for a ride because he loves the attention. You're EXACTLY his type. Emotionally mature women wouldn't waste 5 minutes on an idiot like this. That's why he PURPOSELY was seeking young girls like you who don't know any better. Listen to your mother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 before my update on what's going on, i want to thank you all so much for your replies, it has helped a little, but i don't think that he is a manipulative jerk, he can't be because i can clearly see that he's happy with me, we write letters to eachother every day, we cam all day, and his family know me i've spoken to all of them, i just don't know, but today my anxiety has really flared up, because his ex has arrived to stay the night there with their children, she's been wanting him back for 2 months, and it's been hard for me, because she continuously sent hearts and countless messages stating that she still loves him, and apologizing for cheating, god i just can't handle it, i can't help but to think that she'll seduce him and use their children to get back with him ='( How the hell does this social misfit SUPPORT himself if he's on the computer acting like a fool all day long? Seriously, who supports him and that boatload of kids he's got if he's glued to freakin Skype all day ordering you around? Let me guess - he's on the government dole. Golly, what a surprise. And whose 'ex wife' comes to STAY at their house for supposed 'visitation' with the kids? What a complete crock of cow manure. Oh man, he's got you SO freakin' snowed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Tell him your not my father and you cant tell me what to do and lets see what happens if he is like this and you never met him how do you think its gonna be in person and by the way are you ready to be a mother of four kids enjoy your youth because it goes fast dont get caught up in this mess you are not in love cut all ties with asap listen to your gut cause something isnt right with this guy Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 i mean i do make an effort to be there at my computer when he needs me, but it's getting too much for me to handle, and i agree with one of the commenters, i'm not ready for a relationship in the state that i'm in, but the hardest part of this will be breaking his heart, because of my own selfsh reasons, i can't take care of him =/ , and he won't accept this, he will find a way to contact me... i've seen what he can do... This is alarming, what can he do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fuerza Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Leave him immediately... The fact that your anxiety is through the roof and you opened this topic here says enough. No man should make you feel like that! No man should ever control you, you're a human being and have the right to do whatever the heck you want. You're also not in love with him, you just think you are because you are young and naive. You can do this, dump him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldrhurtsomuch Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 well now i've been pushed over the hedge to the point that i do want to end it with him, even if it means hurting him, it's for the best for both of us, i just don't know what to say to him. his internet has suddenly dropped, and he's turned off his phone, it's been an hour, something tells me that he did it all on purpose to get away from me to be with his ex, probably have sex while they're at it, i've broken down, with so many worrying racing thoughts going through my mind, and i've realized that i can't keep doing this to myself for him anymore :'( , i'm literally in bits, and i don't know where to put myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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