She nearly cheated

[biglenny]

My wife and I were married very young. She was 18 and I was 22. It was a bit of a shotgun wedding as she fell pregnant (Unplanned) We have just celebrated 11 years together in August. We have shared many good times and also some trying times in our relationship but never have I felt insecure and always felt we were great together.

 

Just before Christmas last year, my wife went out on the town with some girls from work. As far as I was aware, the night was uneventful. On the 6th of January, my wife was playing netball and I was home with our kids. For some reason I looked on her Facebook account at her messages and to my surprise I found a rather suspicious conversation between her and some guy. She had obviously been deleting the conversation on a regular basis as all I could see was the following -

Her - "You didn't have to go all quiet on me"

Him - "Haha what are you wearing?"

Her - Sorry last night wasn't a good night..... I hope you survived without me.

 

When she came home I asked her who the guy was she had been chatting to on Facebook. She looked a little panicked and said "Oh that's Drew, I went to school with him and we have just been chatting" She also said "I seen him when I was out the other week and I tried to hook him up with my single girlfriend"

 

I then sat her down at the computer and asked her to explain each sentence in the message. I also told her a bit of a lie and said I had the ability to un-delete all her conversation history if I wanted to....... She started crying and admitted they had been flirting over Facebook since she had seen him at the night club 2 weeks earlier. She said he had hit on her and become quite sleazy at the club and had then messaged her to apologize the next day. Since then they started conversing and it had become very flirtatious. She admitted that one night when I was at work, he was asking to come over and hook up. She never told him "No" she just didn't reply and told him the next day that she had fallen asleep.

 

She was very upset that she had been discovered and assured me that nothing physical had ever happened between them. I forgave her and after several days, alot of crying and talking about it we moved on. She said the only way she could explain her action was that it made her feel like a school girl getting attention. I asked her what would of happened if I never discovered what was happening and she said that if she was honest she couldn't say for sure if it would of eventually lead to something physical. In the 7 months since, we have been more loving and affectionate to each other than ever before. Our relationship feels very real and intimate and we are like best friends. I promised her that I would not bring up the past during an argument as I had forgiven her. The problem is, just when I think I've moved on I go thru periods of anger, insecurity and depression over the whole thing.

 

I constantly have questions running thru my head like -

Why did she do it?

Do I know the whole truth?

Did anything more happen between them?

What would of happened if not for me finding out?

 

The thought of them messaging for 2 weeks makes me feel sick......... I want to read what was written but it cannot be undeleted on FB.

 

How do I move on without dredging up the past?

[JS84]

There could be a multitude of reasons why she did it. I'd say the most likely one is she got married at 18 and never got to experience and enjoy life as an adult on her own for one thing. I think it's pretty rare these days when you have people who get married so young where one of the partners don't stray down the line somewhere eventually. Sometimes later rather than sooner but from what I've read the chances of infidelity/divorce skyrocket when people get married in their teens and early 20s.

 

That being said it could be something else altogether.

 

And to be honest I doubt you know the whole truth. If she did cheat on you, she's only going to admit to what you can prove. Which is basically "something" could have happened but it didn't. According to her anyway.

 

Your best bet is to keep an eye on her. And if you ever have any suspicions of her doing anything shady, don't confront her right off the bat like you did. All she'll do is, once again, admit to what you can prove and cover her tracks if she is doing anything behind your back. Don't tip your hand so soon.

[lolablue17]

You can be miserable, full of self pity.

 

Or you can see it as a gift. For a very low price, You got a warning reminder, what can happen to marriage if you take it for granted and not working on it on daily bases.

 

That reminder already improved your marriage for the last few month. Don't forget the lesson - You shouldn't take anything for granted, and be thankful for each beautiful moment.

 

Always be aware and remember. Your wife doesn't belong to you and you can lose her "just like that"...

Edited August 21, 2015 by lolablue17

[No Limit]

You can retrieve deleted Facebook messages; Facebook saves all their data. You'll have to contact them and wait for a few weeks (a woman did it on TV once and received a package full of papers - they saved EVERYTHING, every message and even the data & time when it was sent).

[SSJROMANCE]

Many affairs start with Facebook chats. You can't get them back if she deleted them. My wife did the same thing. I tried. I even downloaded ALL of her Facebook data (gigs of data in a file) and the deleted ones do not show up. It could be that your wife is naive and/or has low self esteem with no boundaries that allowed this guy to come into her life. Also is she a people pleasing person? Does she worry about making the other person happy over her own concerns? Guys prey on these types of women and their only goal is to bed them.

 

Having said that your wife needs to take responsibility if she hasn't already. Maybe counseling is in order for her to understand she needs to have boundaries. I'm not so sure she has told you everything. There is a symptom called "Trickle Truth" which means she may only be telling you enough to get you to stop interrogating her without telling the whole truth. I have seen this many times in addition to my wife. She lied to be over and over and over on several issue's until she finally told me everything - according to her. Good luck!

[SSJROMANCE]

You can retrieve deleted Facebook messages; Facebook saves all their data. You'll have to contact them and wait for a few weeks (a woman did it on TV once and received a package full of papers - they saved EVERYTHING, every message and even the data & time when it was sent).

 

Even ones that have been deleted? I researched this and downloaded the file containing everything that happened over the course of their account and just as I read it didn't contain the deleted chats.

[No Limit]

Even ones that have been deleted? I researched this and downloaded the file containing everything that happened over the course of their account and just as I read it didn't contain the deleted chats.

 

Yes, everything. Facebook has it all. You need to make a few calls though.

The only stuff lost are YouTube messages before... I think October 2013 or something like that. Or when a social network is shut down of course. But until then - you can find anything and everything. It's all saved.

[Poutrew]

The reason Facebook stores everything running through their servers is The Patriot Act. They need to let the government snoop through everything looking for terrorists. That means you have no privacy, but if you want to get ahold of the messages for a particular date, it'll be available. The fact facebook provides account owners with chat logs without a court order is a bit surprising, but good for you if you want to bust your cheating spouse

[d0nnivain]

She most likely did it because on the cusp of turning 30 she wanted some external validation that she's attractive.

 

 

Since it wasn't physical & things have been better, put it behind you. Be happy you discovered it when you did. Try to believe that she learned her lesson & now knows what's at stake. Then go off & continue your otherwise happy marriage but do things to make her feel sexy & cherished.

[Popsicle]

Put it behind you. Don't become someone who does everything in his power to keep reliving it.

[qubist]

Put it behind you. Don't become someone who does everything in his power to keep reliving it.

do not just ignore it work on moving on. keep her informed and let her know about your insecurities. honesty is a magic healer.

[minimariah]

I constantly have questions running thru my head like -

Why did she do it?

 

well... she did give you an answer to that question --

 

She said the only way she could explain her action was that it made her feel like a school girl getting attention.

 

In the 7 months since, we have been more loving and affectionate to each other than ever before. Our relationship feels very real and intimate and we are like best friends.

 

what does this mean...? why wasn't your relationship this good prior to her almost cheating?

 

I promised her that I would not bring up the past during an argument as I had forgiven her. The problem is, just when I think I've moved on I go thru periods of anger, insecurity and depression over the whole thing.

 

you aren't over it and you need to communicate the hell out of this "affair" - talk about it and then talk some more until you remove the taboo from it & realize what it REALLY means for your relationship.

 

you pretty much just swept it under the rug & agreed not to acknowledge the elephant in the room ever again - the damage is clearly much bigger than you thought.

[biglenny]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I feel so much better just getting it off my chest. One of the things I think about a lot is my own personal reaction to it all. I never let her see my anger, I never raised my voice, I listened, spoke of my disappointment and disbelief. I have often wondered if I let her off the hook to easily but after reading the replies in this thread I feel we are on the right path. I have been unable to talk to anyone about this as I don't want family or friends to judge so this thread has been very therapeutic for me. All of your advice has been suprisingly positive Thanks again.

[ShatteredLady]

I think it's a GREAT sign that your intimacy has got so much better since this happened. As a woman it means she still loves you dearly & very important she still feels very passionately about you. Wonderful foundation after so many years. The 2 of you can be so happy. Take this as a frightening close call. Think about the lovely relationship you would both want. It's easy to get stuck in ruts as the years pass. Push your limits & think of new romantic things you can do. To me this sounds so hopeful. Really work to keep this new found special bond you've got after these months. As a woman I'd love to be wooed again. It's such a special, safe, secure, passionate thing to feel truly desired after many years of marriage. Give & you will get. You've got a special thing. Cherish it ;-)

[TX-SC]

Some people say that anyone is capable of cheating under the right circumstances. Others believe that some people are predisposed to cheating and are more likely to do so. I think your marriage will forever consist of you worrying about when the "next time" will happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

She was very upset that she had been discovered and assured me that nothing physical had ever happened between them. I forgave her and after several days, alot of crying and talking about it we moved on. She said the only way she could explain her action was that it made her feel like a school girl getting attention. I asked her what would of happened if I never discovered what was happening and she said that if she was honest she couldn't say for sure if it would of eventually lead to something physical. In the 7 months since, we have been more loving and affectionate to each other than ever before. Our relationship feels very real and intimate and we are like best friends. I promised her that I would not bring up the past during an argument as I had forgiven her. The problem is, just when I think I've moved on I go thru periods of anger, insecurity and depression over the whole thing.

 

Do you still check her Facebook page? Is she transparent in her dealings on social media?

 

That's the one thing I'd insist on. Congratulations on getting to a good place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Another reason why GNO's are bad.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it's me then I keep one eye open all the time. If she was willing to take that next step, then it seems to me that now that you swept it under the rug, she can do it again knowing that she'll never see the angry side of you and consider you a push over.

 

Sometimes you have to let the dark side of you take the lead just to let the person who hurt you that she's playing with fire and can be toasted if it continues.

 

You should have asked her how she would have felt if you were the one trying to feel like a giddy school boy and you were sending flirty texts to another woman. Bet the house she wouldn't like it one bit and you wouldn't be let off the hook that easy like you did for her.

Edited August 23, 2015 by bubbaganoosh

[Mrs. John Adams]

GNO's are bad no mater how you slice it....When you are married...I truly believe there should never be a time that you go out drinking or dancing or bar hopping without your spouse....but that is my opinion....

 

Let me say that first and foremost...you and your wife should certainly share all passwords to all accounts...there should never be any secrets in a marriage...if there is...one needs to ask WHY?

 

total transparency is a rule that should be implemented in every relationship....it helps to take away doubt....the doubt that you are feeling right now...

Do I know all the facts...did she do more than she is telling me she did...

 

I don't know if your wife has crossed lines...i don't know if she has been totally honest...but i do know...you need to draw a line in the sand..right now...and if she does not comply....you have an answer...one that you may not want...but you will have an answer

[Marc878]

You're very lucky you caught this quick. Long term learn how to treat a woman.

 

A lot of men don't know women.

 

If a woman looks nice - tell her. She spent the time getting ready for you so a complement is always nice.

 

Hold her hand.

 

Learn to listen to her thoughts, etc. it's not all about you.

 

If you're just watching tv together run your fingers through her hair, massage her neck, give her a good foot massage. You get out of a relationship what you put into it.

 

Buy her things for no reason other than she's so worth it. (I put a lot of thought into this and don't buy meaningless tokens).

 

Kiss her and hug her frequently. Women respond amazingly well to the attention.

 

Learn her likes/dislikes.

 

Do your share of the housework. It makes for more downtime together.

 

Take her on date nights even if you've been married for years. Random is good.

 

Cook her dinner. Something just for her.

 

If you want a great long term relationship LEARN how to treat a woman.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You can bet that drew has not deleted any of the messages. Spoof him into sending you a copy of the thread. You probably won't like what you see.

 

 

No matter what you believe, the only guaranties in life are; death & taxes. You can be a perfect partner, but still have your SO cheat or leave you. Contracts, vows, etc are meaningless. You're in a big disadvantage because you got her pregnant & married her so young. She's getting into her sexual peak & is naturally curious about what else is out there. That's basic human nature & no amount of religious dogma or shame can change that. She's probably bored to death, feels trapped & might be going a bit crazy. How'd you feel in her shoes?

[ShatteredLady]

I met my husband very young. My friend met hers when she was 14 & he was 16!! We're all in our 40's now. Some people have had very bitter painful experiences in their lives & look on the dark side. Half of all marriages will end in divorce. I'm a chronic pain sufferer that makes it way over 80% will divorce. I don't live my life by statistics. Love & care for your wife. Help her & listen to her. There's been some great advise here! Build a strong marriage & you don't have to worry about the numbers!

[Walters]

I dont understand some of the replies here that are telling him how to treat a woman and that if he does not shape up per say, she will do it again. There is never an excuse to cheat. You dont like the relationship talk to your partner or leave/divorce.

 

If this thread was the other way around where a woman posted about how he almost cheated i feel this entire thread would be filled with leave the cheating bastard.

 

She was in the wrong and I believe she needs to repair the trust. if she feels she did it because he was not providing something (which is normally the case) its up to her to talk to him about those missing needs so that he can improve on them.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry, but this girl is playing you. If she loved and respected you she wouldn't of been hanging out with other men and flirting with them. She wouldn't be acting "sleazy" with them at clubs and if they tried to hook up with her she'd respond with a firm "no way" instead of nothing at all.

 

I guess it is great your intimacy has increased, but that doesn't negate the red flags of your girlfriend having absolutely no respect for you. She only fessed up when caught, which shows she just can't be trusted. Who knows what would of happened?

 

If you stay with her there should be no more drinking and no more girls night out. But don't stay with her, she doesn't have any respect or love for you.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[poofitsgone]

I honestly think the best way to move pass this is to act like it was an affair(which it very well could have become and might have even been if shes lying , at the very least an EA). It seems like you want to reconcile and theres lots of good advice on doing that here and on other sites. She's going to have to give up her privacy, maybe for a long time, if she cares about making you comfortable and rebuilding trust.