aliveagain Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Alive, That is why I am here I would not have thought of that. My Wife is brilliant she was a Phi Beta in college. I am also very smart but when you trust someone blindly you don't always see the obvious . We are all guilty of this. I also agree with elaine567's observation. No medical professional would suggest you were cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Elaine and Alive, I know that you are correct and I am sick that I was so blind to this. I am physically shaking today and I have had to leave the conference room today because I started to get emotional and tear up. That is not like me, it is just not the cheating it is the deception and the prolonged betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 All: I am using this sight to document my story and it is helping to put down all of the facts so that I can no longer hide from the truth. My Wife just called me she was taking our boys out for a fun day at the shore. She was nice on the phone acting as if nothing was wrong. I plan to talk with her tonight about her comments last night and ask her if she has anything that she needs to tell me. I will have a VAR on me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 All: I am using this sight to document my story and it is helping to put down all of the facts so that I can no longer hide from the truth. My Wife just called me she was taking our boys out for a fun day at the shore. She was nice on the phone acting as if nothing was wrong. I plan to talk with her tonight about her comments last night and ask her if she has anything that she needs to tell me. I will have a VAR on me. If your not ready to confront her and you are looking for evidence I would be careful about asking leading questions. If you wise her up to you being on the trail it will dry up and she will be more careful in hiding her tracks. If yo ask her if she need to tell you something you may as well just say "hey I know your cheating fess up" at which point she will deny and go into hiding. I would focus on doing 180 and finding proof. No actually, I would just tell her that I knew and would listen to any excuses or denials, but I have the gift of hindsight and knowledge of travelling that road. A lot of us throw away a lot of time collecting evidence and pu$$y footing around it from fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 DKT3, I do not know how much longer I can keep up this front of the same old loving Niceguy husband. I need to get something's together before I do confront her , I am planning this out and moving money. I have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday to discuss options. I am new at this but I am learning fast. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Elaine and Alive, I know that you are correct and I am sick that I was so blind to this. I am physically shaking today and I have had to leave the conference room today because I started to get emotional and tear up. That is not like me, it is just not the cheating it is the deception and the prolonged betrayal. I used to try and get my crying done in my car on the way to the office. You can ball your eyes out and no one can hear you, you just have to pull over if it gets too bad and you have trouble seeing the road. I blamed my red eyes on allergies. You quickly find yourself lying for the liar in your life. It takes a long time for the hollow empty feeling in your gut to go away. She knows the truth about what she's done, you know what you know and probably only know some of the truth. You may never know all of it but when you've had enough you know enough to take yourself out of infidelity. They can stop their behaviour for years when they know your on to them but their still who they are and that person will surface again at some future time unless they get the professional help they need. Only you know when you've had enough, confront when you want this all to stop. Only put reconciliation on the table when you've got all the truth, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children and your finances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Alive, I was never this emotional before, I was always a tough guy. I did laugh about the allergies because I used that lie today. I have to work on calming myself down and staying focused. I will get it together , my Wife will be terrified when this all comes out, she knows that I can be very tough when I have to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) Toughest thing I ever had to do because it had to do with me and the rest of my life. Nothing you did caused this or pushed her into the arms of other men, she owns that 100%. All your doing is removing yourself from infidelity because she is too broken or too weak to do it herself. This is the start of your healing, the step you are about to take is the first step all of us had to take that survived infidelity. Whether she comes with you or not is her choice, but isn't it better to know that now than waste years of your time waiting to find out? Edited August 24, 2015 by aliveagain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I would take the advice about reading up on the 180. Just going from the info you've provided, a lot of red flags. I mean I don't want to bring distressing images to your mind, but it's a probably a good idea to prepare mentally just in case. The fact that you caught her with her friend along with 2 guys at the bar. It just doesn't seem likely in this case where she has 1 man on the go. From what i'm reading, she and her so called friend Jill may have been picking up guys together. As Jill was married herself, they probably enabled each other. It as if they were acting like a swinging couple themselves, maybe they were involved in the scene? where should explore her attraction to women. I highly doubt it was just confined to women though. You should be prepared on how you confront her, so you get as much information as possible. It's possible when said she said she though you knew about the guys she's dated and you looked shocked, she shut-down and denied anything further happened. She got angry when you said you never cheated her, another red flag, as it makes herself feel worse. I mean thing thing was Jill recently where she has broke contact with her is strange. Obviously Jill know's everything they have done, maybe they had a falling out, and your wife is scared of what she may say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process. Bigdaddyt": you wasting too much energy fighting this and it's exhausting you which will only increase your anxiety and end up doing something bad. take easy and understand taht the emotions are getting the best of you. prepare what you are going to tell her. be calm and honest and shoot it all out. do not exhaust your energy thinking about it you will not win that way Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process. At the time I got divorced my boss (who had been divorced a few years before) told me marriage is an emotional transaction, divorce is a business transaction. I only wish I had of listened. Its hard but you have to put your emotions in your pocket, pull that sh*t out and deal with it later. You know she is cheating and have been for years, what other proof do you really need? Some may not agree, but here is what I would do 1) move money like you have been doing 2) if you like the lawyer, have him draw up that papers 3) find a place for one of you to live (don't know the house situation) 4) detach and distance. Do not engage her 5) have her served and go you own way. This will show her in a strong way that you mean business. Its a no nonsense way to rip the scab off and expose her. If you allow it she will gaslight the sh*t out of you and delay you from taking any actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Quibist, I know I am over thinking this and I will take a break from posting until tomorrow. I have really started to rerun my entire marriage through my head and see that the red flags were everywhere and I didn't catch them. I am now looking at every time that I caught a red flag and looking at the circumstances around it and putting together a very clear picture of what was going on. I am doing a lot behind the scenes to uncover the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 S2B, my Wife is the Jedi Master of the blame game and she knows how to manipulate me and pull my heart strings. I am gathering evidence but know it will not end well. DKT3, I can live on a different level on my house, but I will probably just rent an apartment for the time being. I will make my divorce a fair business decision . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Maybe a phone call to her friend Jill to see if she come's out with anything. I wouldn't ask her directly if she or the wife have been up-to anything, as that might just blowup in your face. Maybe phone under the guise as a concerned husband trying to figure out what's upsetting his wife (which would be true?), and if it's their troubled friendship causing it. If your wife is cutting all contact with her, they may have had a falling out, so it maybe worth a shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 People tend to project the way they think onto other people. (i.e. People assume everyone thinks like they do.) Your wife assumes that you’re cheating (doesn’t everyone) and you couldn’t conceive of your wife cheating. In addition your wife gets a secondary gain (less guilt) if she assumes you’re cheating and will feel great relief if she finds evidence of it. That's why she looks so hard for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Star Power, welcome to LS, I plan to call Jill but she will want to meet me in person. This is a very sensitive time and my wife may try to pull something to try and trip me up. Buckeye, my wife will never find anything to use against me because I have never cheated on her. I can look back at our marriage and now see all of the times she accused me of cheating and now know it was to cover for herself or to help with her own guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Big Daddy One suggestion, I am always help with just a little time to meditate as to a couple of key objective in the type of discussion you have before you: 1. Determine your main objective....helping your wife / marriage or determining whether or not you can go forward if you find out she has been unfaithful. 2. Your course of action if you get a positive response, negative response or even and maybe more than likely, no viable response. If you pre-determine your direction keeping in mind will help keep you on task and focused and hopefully avoid the negative emotional responses that will in the end prove to the counter productive. Hope this helps!! We're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 S2B, my Wife is the Jedi Master of the blame game and she knows how to manipulate me and pull my heart strings. I am gathering evidence but know it will not end well. DKT3, I can live on a different level on my house, but I will probably just rent an apartment for the time being. I will make my divorce a fair business decision .Have you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy yet? It will help a lot in this area. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) All: I wasn’t going to confront her last night, my plan was to let this tension die down and see if anything surfaced that I could use. The tension at home is now effecting the children my youngest was sick to hisstomach and the oldest was acting up for attention. We went out to dinner withthe boys and came home and I played basketball with the boys for a while thenwent in and was talking to my wife when she started to say again how unhappyshe was with her life and just wants to run away. She was bringing up all of mymany short comings as a Father and a Husband (too many to list here). I just couldn’t take the verbal abuse any longer and I lost it with her. I told her that we need to talk and that what she told meabout the other men was eating me alive and I need to know what she did to besorry for. She became enraged and told me basically that I was a POS forbringing this up and she didn’t do anything that it’s all in my head. She thenwent on to deny that she ever said that and that we will never have a deepconversation again. She then went on to accuse me of flirting with hergirlfriend on Friday night when we were playing pool and that she was disgusted with my behavior. She couldn’t deny the hot tub trio and said that she wouldnever talk about it again. We had a pretty horrible fight and said things thatI wish I could take back but I can’t. I am mentally and physically exhausted butI just couldn’t bear this drama any longer. She told me last night that shewanted a divorce and would either move out or I would. She slept with our sonlast night and we didn’t talk the rest of the evening. That didn’t go as planned; because it wasn’t planned and I am at the point that it really doesn’t matter if I can prove anything against her. I see the writing on the wall inregards to my marriage. My wife will never admit any wrong doing and will notwant to get painted into being the bad guy. I don’t think that there is anything going on currently and she is very good at covering her tracks,especially since she knows that I am on to her I am going to back off for now and see what transpires thengo from there. If she files for divorce so be it I will survive. Edited August 25, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Bigdaddyt: you have exhausted your self and all your energy and when you do that you never make good decisions that's why you went and said the things that you are regretting now. you need to find a way to calm down first before you do anything. this is a mistake that lot of people make, fighting their emotions rather than acting upon them, nobody wins when they fight his emotions. you need to calm down take a deep breath from all this, talk to your wife calmly and explain to her that you are willing to solve all this even if it meant D or separation, let her know that you love her and just can't afford to live this way where both of you are suffering. show her that you are sorry for all your bad , then see what will be her reaction. do not just sit there and expect something will magically happen, you have been in the same cycle for a long time now and it will only depress you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Quibist, I am sorry for all of the wrongs that I have done, I have alot of baggage from my past life, but was unaware how it truely effected me and others. I suffered from PTSD for years from being shot and I am prone to fits of rage, but I do not take them out on the wife or children. I do not know if I can fix this, but I will try. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 BD From your posts I strongly suspect there is an OM in your wife's life. Be warned, divorce is war! Do not move out of the family home. This is her idea so let her move. Buy yourself a VAR, Voice Activated Recorder, and keep it on your person at all times, to protect yourself. Women such as your wife, like to play the domestic violence card. Call the cops and report you as pushing her. You get arrested, served with a Restraining Order and cannot come around the house much less see your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Quibist, I am sorry for all of the wrongs that I have done, I have alot of baggage from my past life, but was unaware how it truely effected me and others. I suffered from PTSD for years from being shot and I am prone to fits of rage, but I do not take them out on the wife or children. I do not know if I can fix this, but I will try. of course you can, you already realizing your flaws which is a good step. talk to your wife ans seek to save your marriage, tell her that you are going to work on yourself. get IC I'm sure as a veteran you entitled to some sort of IC under the VA . get help man you need it. before you can make any rational decision concerning your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Please talk to a lawyer, there may be advantages to filing first. Do not move out of the house unless your lawyers advises you to. She has been planning this for a while judging by her anger. Someone has been coaching her. Doesn't sound like she wants to work on the marriage but who knows how she will react when she sees the divorce papers. The financial impact hasn't hit her yet, she needs to know what that feels like, start separating your finances but again, talk to a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
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