Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) All: I wasn’t going to confront her last night, my plan was to let this tension die down and see if anything surfaced that I could use. The tension at home is now effecting the children my youngest was sick to hisstomach and the oldest was acting up for attention. We went out to dinner withthe boys and came home and I played basketball with the boys for a while thenwent in and was talking to my wife when she started to say again how unhappyshe was with her life and just wants to run away. She was bringing up all of mymany short comings as a Father and a Husband (too many to list here). I just couldn’t take the verbal abuse any longer and I lost it with her. I told her that we need to talk and that what she told meabout the other men was eating me alive and I need to know what she did to besorry for. She became enraged and told me basically that I was a POS forbringing this up and she didn’t do anything that it’s all in my head. She thenwent on to deny that she ever said that and that we will never have a deepconversation again. She then went on to accuse me of flirting with hergirlfriend on Friday night when we were playing pool and that she was disgusted with my behavior. She couldn’t deny the hot tub trio and said that she wouldnever talk about it again. We had a pretty horrible fight and said things thatI wish I could take back but I can’t. I am mentally and physically exhausted butI just couldn’t bear this drama any longer. She told me last night that shewanted a divorce and would either move out or I would. She slept with our sonlast night and we didn’t talk the rest of the evening. That didn’t go as planned; because it wasn’t planned and I am at the point that it really doesn’t matter if I can prove anything against her. I see the writing on the wall inregards to my marriage. My wife will never admit any wrong doing and will notwant to get painted into being the bad guy. I don’t think that there is anything going on currently and she is very good at covering her tracks,especially since she knows that I am on to her I am going to back off for now and see what transpires thengo from there. If she files for divorce so be it I will survive. Edited August 25, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Bigdaddyt: you have exhausted your self and all your energy and when you do that you never make good decisions that's why you went and said the things that you are regretting now. you need to find a way to calm down first before you do anything. this is a mistake that lot of people make, fighting their emotions rather than acting upon them, nobody wins when they fight his emotions. you need to calm down take a deep breath from all this, talk to your wife calmly and explain to her that you are willing to solve all this even if it meant D or separation, let her know that you love her and just can't afford to live this way where both of you are suffering. show her that you are sorry for all your bad , then see what will be her reaction. do not just sit there and expect something will magically happen, you have been in the same cycle for a long time now and it will only depress you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Quibist, I am sorry for all of the wrongs that I have done, I have alot of baggage from my past life, but was unaware how it truely effected me and others. I suffered from PTSD for years from being shot and I am prone to fits of rage, but I do not take them out on the wife or children. I do not know if I can fix this, but I will try. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 BD From your posts I strongly suspect there is an OM in your wife's life. Be warned, divorce is war! Do not move out of the family home. This is her idea so let her move. Buy yourself a VAR, Voice Activated Recorder, and keep it on your person at all times, to protect yourself. Women such as your wife, like to play the domestic violence card. Call the cops and report you as pushing her. You get arrested, served with a Restraining Order and cannot come around the house much less see your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Quibist, I am sorry for all of the wrongs that I have done, I have alot of baggage from my past life, but was unaware how it truely effected me and others. I suffered from PTSD for years from being shot and I am prone to fits of rage, but I do not take them out on the wife or children. I do not know if I can fix this, but I will try. of course you can, you already realizing your flaws which is a good step. talk to your wife ans seek to save your marriage, tell her that you are going to work on yourself. get IC I'm sure as a veteran you entitled to some sort of IC under the VA . get help man you need it. before you can make any rational decision concerning your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Please talk to a lawyer, there may be advantages to filing first. Do not move out of the house unless your lawyers advises you to. She has been planning this for a while judging by her anger. Someone has been coaching her. Doesn't sound like she wants to work on the marriage but who knows how she will react when she sees the divorce papers. The financial impact hasn't hit her yet, she needs to know what that feels like, start separating your finances but again, talk to a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 2.50, I suspect that you are right. She just called me and told me that we are divorcing and that this is what I always wanted. I told her that it wasn't and that we should try counseling before we end a 20 year marriage. I do not see us saving this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Alive, this has unfolded so quickly that I am stunned by her anger. It seems she has been pressing all of my buttons to get a response. I live in a very liberal no fault state but will see an attorney on Thursday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 All: I wasn’t going to confront her last night, my plan was to let this tension die down and see if anything surfaced that I could use. The tension at home is now effecting the children my youngest was sick to hisstomach and the oldest was acting up for attention. We went out to dinner withthe boys and came home and I played basketball with the boys for a while thenwent in and was talking to my wife when she started to say again how unhappyshe was with her life and just wants to run away. She was bringing up all of mymany short comings as a Father and a Husband (too many to list here). I just couldn’t take the verbal abuse any longer and I lost it with her. I told her that we need to talk and that what she told meabout the other men was eating me alive and I need to know what she did to besorry for. She became enraged and told me basically that I was a POS forbringing this up and she didn’t do anything that it’s all in my head. She thenwent on to deny that she ever said that and that we will never have a deepconversation again. She then went on to accuse me of flirting with hergirlfriend on Friday night when we were playing pool and that she was disgusted with my behavior. She couldn’t deny the hot tub trio and said that she wouldnever talk about it again. We had a pretty horrible fight and said things thatI wish I could take back but I can’t. I am mentally and physically exhausted butI just couldn’t bear this drama any longer. She told me last night that shewanted a divorce and would either move out or I would. She slept with our sonlast night and we didn’t talk the rest of the evening. That didn’t go as planned; because it wasn’t planned and I am at the point that it really doesn’t matter if I can prove anything against her. I see the writing on the wall inregards to my marriage. My wife will never admit any wrong doing and will notwant to get painted into being the bad guy. I don’t think that there is anything going on currently and she is very good at covering her tracks,especially since she knows that I am on to her I am going to back off for now and see what transpires thengo from there. If she files for divorce so be it I will survive. All that and then you state that you're not going to be the one to take action? Why are you doing nothing? Why leave all the power in her hands now? I can't imagine doing nothing to change this FOR yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Qubist, I have told her that I am sorry for all my faults and I will seek counseling for me. I don't think that she is receptive to this now. I feel that this is the outcome that she wanted and I got played. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 S2B, I am taking some action in preparation for divorce, I just was stunned that this blew up this quickly and now we are at divorce. I haven't slept since Thursday and I have lost 10 pounds in a week. I haven't told anyone of this yet Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Qubist, I have told her that I am sorry for all my faults and I will seek counseling for me. I don't think that she is receptive to this now. I feel that this is the outcome that she wanted and I got played. You have to work on yourself make it your propriety. everything else will have to wait. I know you feel played but remember your goal is to overcome all this and be happy. whatever happen in the future you should be able to deal with if you are back on your feet. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Qubist, I have told her that I am sorry for all my faults and I will seek counseling for me. I don't think that she is receptive to this now. I feel that this is the outcome that she wanted and I got played. I would be willing to bet she has a lot of her ducks in a row already. Her recent trip away with the children could have been because she was discussing this very scenario and she may have gotten the support she needed. She has rewritten your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Are you close to any of the couples/men from Mom's club? My experience is.... Women talk! When a marriage is in trouble they tell other women at play dates. Those women go home & talk about it with their husbands if they're in 'normal' relationships. As I said before, our old neighbor got most of his 'evidence' for divorce & custody from the Moms club. Some of those couples know a lot more about what's going on in your relationship at the moment than you do! In our group the unconventional party girls aren't very popular with the regular couples. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I suggest moving any money/assets to your name immediately or you will find that she's depleted everything available. Start protecting yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 All: This is tough because I work a very demanding job and over see multiple factories and I am fighting for my marriage on the side. Wife has been texting me saying we are done no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Alive, my allergies are killing me today! I fear this was all planned and she is prepared. She is going to receive a large settlement from her accident and this will give her a way out. I don't have any proof of a OM but she told me last night if there was one she would be gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I think you need to move on because your wife doesn't respect you at all. She has no business being married and flirting with other men, especially knowing it upsets you. It's a cop out if she says she can't control it..is she a grown ass adult or is she not? If you stay with her she can never drink again and no more GNO. Some said that seems like punishment, but when you act like a god damn child you get treated like one. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Don't buy into believing you are the primary bad guy and to blame for her actions. She controls her actions - not you. She has been partying, flirting, and crossing the line for quite a while. She may not like what she sees in the mirror occasionally so she has to make you out to be the bad guy to justify what she has done to herself and others. She will actually come to believe it (and already has). Don't believe it yourself. You didn't push her into that hot tub. You may be surprised what you are accused of going forward. You aren't the bad guy and no person deserves a spouse that has done what she has. This is all very typical. Wife has a midlife crisis of sorts (yes, she is) and starts to cross every line in the book. If you resist you are just 'controlling' (you aren't controlling - being married to anyone would keep her from that - marriage itself is somewhat 'controlling'). You start to take the blame for everything. Nothing you could do would be right. She didn't decide to divorce overnight. She's been contemplating it for a while and treating you like this. Protect yourself. Her friends in similar circumstances are coaching her to take everything you have. They want to live the party life through her. They are not your friends (nor really hers but she won't see it). Tell your kids you won't badmouth their mom but that you love them, aren't 'the bad guy' they will be told, and you will always be their Dad. Take the highroad. Then follow through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 All: This is tough because I work a very demanding job and over see multiple factories and I am fighting for my marriage on the side. Wife has been texting me saying we are done no going back. I find this to be good because you need this piece of trash out of your life. This woman is no prize I am sorry to say. Just an attention whore who is so childish she flirts with other men in front of her damn husband. You called her beautiful? No, she sounds ugly to me, ugly on the inside, which makes her ugly on the outside. Be glad you got out now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 All: This is tough because I work a very demanding job and over see multiple factories and I am fighting for my marriage on the side. Wife has been texting me saying we are done no going back. Take her at her word. Her words and actions have been pretty consistent on this point. Smile and tell her that you'll do your part to ensure that the divorce is amicable as possible while at the same time preparing for a divorce that may turn out to be far from amicable. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, as you would in any important business transaction. Alive, my allergies are killing me today! I fear this was all planned and she is prepared. She is going to receive a large settlement from her accident and this will give her a way out. I don't have any proof of a OM but she told me last night if there was one she would be gone. I'd note that she is in fact gone for all practical purposes, so make of that what you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 All: This is tough because I work a very demanding job and over see multiple factories and I am fighting for my marriage on the side. Wife has been texting me saying we are done no going back. Get a lawyer and file. Start dividing your income and open new accounts. She is the one that is screwing up and that is her problem now. You need to start protecting yourself. There is nothing wrong with trying to save your marriage but you can not do that alone. You have given her more than enough chances to do the right thing. Now its your time to step up and do the right thing for you. C Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I also hope she doesn't have the audacity to ask for anything like alimony. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 I will work on me, I have ignored my past and pretend that it didn't happen. I was placed into foster care because my Father tried to kill me by throwing me out of a moving car. I was given back to my mother after my father went to prison. Taken away again when she attempted suicide. I am extremely productive and high functioning but I never tried to fix me. I will seek counseling I told my wife she says that it is too late. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Alive, my allergies are killing me today! I fear this was all planned and she is prepared. She is going to receive a large settlement from her accident and this will give her a way out. I don't have any proof of a OM but she told me last night if there was one she would be gone. Ok, what she was doing was searching around for an exit affair, OR she is second guessing here that you are going to divorce her and she is simply trying to get her oar in first. Link to post Share on other sites
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