Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Clay]

So was your whole argument over your possibly cheating on her with your co worker? Did you show her you blocked this co worker?

 

Did you ever get to the point to where you called her out on her behavior?

 

It sounds like she played you and you got sucked right into it. There is no doubt you should have told her about the co worker but if she just dominated the whole conversation and turned it all around on you then where do you feel anything is resolved.

 

There is no way I would go out for dinner with her. I would just be honest with her. You were wrong for not telling her but that is not cheating and what she is doing is blame shifting and cheating. I wouldn't spend any time with her more than what I had to until I had the papers filed.

 

I seriously doubt as long as she has these other people telling her your the bad guy she is going to look at anything she has done in her own life.

 

Most cheaters do not think the rules apply to them because its there life and they can do what they want and when they want. You just have to be the one to say your not going to do this to me any longer and let them go abuse someone else.

 

C

[singer23]

Your wife is selling you a lot of ****..Unfortunately you seem to be buying it. You mentioned that she is the queen of the blame game previously. Just realize it when she starts doing it.

 

Don't let her lashing continue. She is using it(succesfully) to put you on the defensive. Why did she not ask you if she had so many concerns. She is just trying to make it a scenario where cheated because you did this or that. She is really scraping at the bottom of the barrel for trying to find you faults. Seriously, she thinks you spend too much time getting ready ?

 

 

Let me make a guess. i think you might have aged more gracefully than her. I think you still out do her in the looks department. She is jealous of how successfully you manage your life and live it. You take care of yourself physically. You are the best husband she can ask for. She repeatedly tried finding faults with you. She tried making her friend seduce you but you came out of every obstacle with your character clean. She knows you have find another woman within no time. She is just jealous of you and insecure about herself and her actions

 

Some anger might help you in this situation. Don't let this manipulative cheating crazy woman control you through guilt. I read this thread in one go... I can notice the guilt in your posts since the day you had the talk with her where she confessed. She is using anger and blame to cover up her own inadequacy and failure as a person and as a wife.

[Bigdaddyt]

Clay, I guess She is still playing me like a drum and I always seem to back down when she gets crazy with me. I am just not to the point where I want to divorce her. I want to give our marriage the last full measure before I end it, not just for us but for my children. If I have no other options and I can't deal with this pain I will divorce her.

[singer23]

And BigDaddyt, the bits about your own upbringing brought be to tears. You should be extremely proud of who you are and where you are today. You did not succumb to the situation, blame the world for your difficulties. You struggled and succeeded through your own hard work and grit. You live your principled life with honesty and dignity. Your kids are lucky to have you as your father. Your friends are lucky to have you as their friend. Everyone in your life are better off because of your presence in it. Even your mother.

[Bigdaddyt]

Singer, I know that my wife is very jealous and insecure, but she has always been able to control our relationship and sex life. I feel very used but I am planning my escape.

[Bigdaddyt]

Singer, thank you for your kind words. I haver never felt sorry for myself and my brothers and sisters are all college graduates and highly successful in life other than in their personal relationships. I have always tried to do the right thing in life and have told my children that there is no such word as can't only won't. This is very tough for me because I relied on my wife so much, I just had an unconditional love for her.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Been reading this thread the last few days, now im posting on this. Not in favour of your wife, but now you tell us you had an issue with a co worker that you never told your wife about is quite a big thing. It must have got to her but she obviously put it to the back of her mind where it has festered and turned into a situaltion where she feels if you can do it, so can I. She should have had it out with you at the time, but she didnt. I can see wny she feels the need to blame you, because to her, you lied to her. You kept a secret you should have told her about. Another woman secret at that. Maybe she isnt sure how many other things you have kept secret. Like I said im not siding with your wife as she should have sorted it back then, but YOU should have too. You should have told her. Now that little thing that was nothing to you has turned into this monster you have today. It obviously mattered to her, she felt you had cheated. All this comes down to the lack of communication, a simple conversation that you didnt want to have because of the drama it would have caused becomes this today. Im not blameshifting, im not siding, just putting this idea on the table to you. Now you know she had that concern you had cheared, why not try a very calm conversation about it, tell her you should have told her and you feel bad for not doing so. That might change a lot of things for both of you. She may feel less angry at you and more at herself for allowing the situation to get this low. Just a thought.

 

Just to add, it wont make a difference to your decision to D, it just might calm the water so to speak. Your wife seems very angry, she knows shes lost you through her own fault. Thats why shes so angry. Instead of talking, she did the wrong thing after being convinced by Jill etc. She knows that.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Celestial-dreamer

[Bigdaddyt]

Celestial Dreamer, I fully agree with you I have always just buttoned up to avoid issues. I have told my wife early in our relationship when I had issues with someone but it made her very upset. There is no question that I should have told her about this. I did tell her about it several months ago when she asked about her constantly checking my linked in account. I was wrong for not telling and I am truly sorry.

[Clay]

There is nothing wrong with trying to work things out. I would only suggest that if you do then hold her accountable for her actions. If she is going to continue hanging out with those people and put herself in those places then you had better at least go with her or plan on your retreat.

 

Good luck on your dinner tonight.

 

 

C

[turnera]

I told her that I never cheated on her and that this coworker was a problem and that I should have told her but that I didn’t want to upset her or cause her to worry over nothing.

 

I should have told my wife about this coworker but I didn’t want to deal with the drama, I have been very honest with this forum and haveput my heart out on my sleeve. I did not cheat on my wife ever

Oy vey.

 

Actually, you DID cheat. You withheld communications with another woman from your wife FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.

 

You reap what you sow, dude. Suddenly YOU can't stand the thought of HER cheating and you're throwing her away?

 

smh

[aliveagain]

Friend, lets be clear, your wife didn't cheat because you didn't tell her that some woman at work had the hot's for you. Your wife is blowing smoke up your a$$, she cheated for the same reason other women cheat, because she wanted to.

 

Yes you should have told her about your work colleague but if she is not smart enough to figure out how to actually talk to you about her concerns and instead starts trolling bars with her trashy cheating friends, well maybe she doesn't deserve you in her life. Stand up for yourself because your the only one in your marriage that has honoured your vows. She can never take back what she has done to you or your children, she can't undo what has already been done. Tell her she needs to prove to you that she is worth the effort to stay married to. If she is unwilling to do the work it will take to get past this than it is better you know now instead of wasting years of your time. Your the prize and not the other way around.

[Buckeye2]

Last night the wife was doing the 180 on me before she exploded on me in a fit of rage screaming at me and telling me how all of this is my fault.

 

I should have told my wife about this coworker but I didn’t want to deal with the drama.

 

No wonder you didn't tell her. She had you conditioned not to rock the boat. If your wife flips out every time she’s upset then you learn not to upset her.

 

Her cheating had very little to do with the state of your marriage or even you, these are her bullsh*t excuses to justify what she wanted to do, cheat and ride some strange dick. She owns that 100% and do not accept any blame, throw it back at her.

 

I agree.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Celestial-dreamer]

Celestial Dreamer, I fully agree with you I have always just buttoned up to avoid issues. I have told my wife early in our relationship when I had issues with someone but it made her very upset. There is no question that I should have told her about this. I did tell her about it several months ago when she asked about her constantly checking my linked in account. I was wrong for not telling and I am truly sorry.

 

 

You did tell her, but well after her events (you didnt know it at the time) happened. This is quite tragic really, it seems you both really do care about each other, but both of you are too stubborn to admit it and would rather hide how you both feel about things. She feels your not telling her about your co worker is a sign of your betrayal, but hers tops yours by far. You now cannot forgive her for her cheating (no one is blaming you for that) As I said, tragic this all boils down to miscommunication by both parties. For me personally, if my partner didnt tell me somethingas important as a randy co worker coming on to them I would wonder why didnt you tell me ect, why hide it. Something wouldnt sit right if you can understand?

 

Someone else posted a while ago about how his wife was having an affair and was leaving him, it transpired she had found he had posted an advert on a dating website saying how he loved his wife but wanted NSA sex. He said nothing came of it he was just bored at the time, but to his wife.....you can imagine. She didnt see it that way. That set in motion her believeing he had cheated, she also kept it to herself and it ate away at her. She only told him she knew of his advert after her affair was discovered. Like I said im not blaming here, just trying to understand that maybe if things had been different back then, it might not be the way it is now. This could be fixable IF you both want it. Could you both forgive?

[latinmex]

Clay, I guess She is still playing me like a drum and I always seem to back down when she gets crazy with me. I am just not to the point where I want to divorce her. I want to give our marriage the last full measure before I end it, not just for us but for my children. If I have no other options and I can't deal with this pain I will divorce her.

 

What can you give more to this marriage that is already broke, you just looking for excuses.

For your children??????

Do you want that your children to live in a broken marriage, to see that his parents live without love what kind of example are you showing, Is much better thar they see two happy divorced parents that to see to angry and sad parents in a broken marriage. So please do not use your children as an excuse for your weakness

[Bigdaddyt]

Tunera, Yes I can see where this is cheating in my wife’s oranyone’s eyes and she has told me that exactly. I did not have an affair, I didnot cheat emotionally, I shut this down immediately. I did tell my wife, but itwas after the fact and I told her that I was sorry for keeping it from her. My Wifeis very emotional and is prone to getting very upset with me over anything thatthreatens our security. She relies on me for everything and becomes afraid if Iget sick or am not available. I am being honest and I will not sugar coatanything here, if I deserve the lumps, I will take them

Alive, yes I did tell my Wife that I should have told her;however these events along with the toxic friends led us to this. I fully admitall that I did to damage my marriage and I am not proud of it. But you arecorrect that this didn’t make her cheat it was her choice.

Buckeye, I was always afraid to rock the boat, when thingsare good between us they are great when they are bad they are horrible.

Celestial, I did tell her that I was sorry for this I nevermeant to hurt her or make her feel insecure. I do think a good portion of thisis on me to get us where we are now

[TX-SC]

Well, it looks like you are most likely going to end up divorced. Good luck meeting with the lawyer today. Don't allow her to manipulate you into giving her more than she deserves in the divorce.

 

Oh, and as cruel as it may sound, you may eventually want to start talking to that coworker again. Don't do anything until the divorce is well under way and you have accepted this and moved on. But, if there is an interest there, it may be easier than getting back into the dating scene.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am going to the lawyer today at 4:00pm, I will update this when I can.

[TX-SC]

You did tell her, but well after her events (you didnt know it at the time) happened. This is quite tragic really, it seems you both really do care about each other, but both of you are too stubborn to admit it and would rather hide how you both feel about things. She feels your not telling her about your co worker is a sign of your betrayal, but hers tops yours by far. You now cannot forgive her for her cheating (no one is blaming you for that) As I said, tragic this all boils down to miscommunication by both parties. For me personally, if my partner didnt tell me somethingas important as a randy co worker coming on to them I would wonder why didnt you tell me ect, why hide it. Something wouldnt sit right if you can understand?

 

Someone else posted a while ago about how his wife was having an affair and was leaving him, it transpired she had found he had posted an advert on a dating website saying how he loved his wife but wanted NSA sex. He said nothing came of it he was just bored at the time, but to his wife.....you can imagine. She didnt see it that way. That set in motion her believeing he had cheated, she also kept it to herself and it ate away at her. She only told him she knew of his advert after her affair was discovered. Like I said im not blaming here, just trying to understand that maybe if things had been different back then, it might not be the way it is now. This could be fixable IF you both want it. Could you both forgive?

 

I'm not convinced that he did anything wrong. He had an issue with a coworker coming onto him and he shut it down. I think it might have caused more harm than good to bother his wife with it. If he felt like he might reciprocate or cheat, then yes, he needed to talk to her about it.

 

Many women on here talk about how they get hit on constantly and have to turn away men. Most husbands don't WANT to know about that. They just want their wife to be a good partner and not entertain any notions of cheating. I see this as no different. She hit on him, he shut it down.

[Sandy43]

I think your wife is just using the messages from the woman as work an exuse to blame you for her behaviour, don't fall for it. She is the only one responsible for her mistakes. She was monitoring your accounts so she would have seen that you were not sending messages back and engaging in inappropriate behaviour. That whole excuse is just not believable to me, it's more blameshifting and I think your wife is a pro at it. If she wants to work things out with you and try to save the M then she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

I suspected my husband of having an A (which he was), I said nothing and investigated, when I got evidence I confronted. This is pretty much the same story alot of BS's have, I have yet to come across someone who said they suspected their spouse of cheating, found proof and did not confront they just decided to have their own affair instead and let the spouse keep cheating... absolutely ridiculous.

[jbrent890]

Tunera, Yes I can see where this is cheating in my wife’s oranyone’s eyes and she has told me that exactly. I did not have an affair, I didnot cheat emotionally, I shut this down immediately. I did tell my wife, but itwas after the fact and I told her that I was sorry for keeping it from her. My Wifeis very emotional and is prone to getting very upset with me over anything thatthreatens our security. She relies on me for everything and becomes afraid if Iget sick or am not available. I am being honest and I will not sugar coatanything here, if I deserve the lumps, I will take them

Alive, yes I did tell my Wife that I should have told her;however these events along with the toxic friends led us to this. I fully admitall that I did to damage my marriage and I am not proud of it. But you arecorrect that this didn’t make her cheat it was her choice.

Buckeye, I was always afraid to rock the boat, when thingsare good between us they are great when they are bad they are horrible.

Celestial, I did tell her that I was sorry for this I nevermeant to hurt her or make her feel insecure. I do think a good portion of thisis on me to get us where we are now

 

At the end of the day bro, your wife was going to cheat on you. She would have used any excuse to cheat. She is using the "well I thought you cheated" excuse because its the most convenient. I tend to not steer anyone into R or D, but in my opinion, I don't think you have enough to work with here. Nearly 3 years of IC and she is still blaming you for her cheating. Not to mention her other insecurities, which should have been addressed in IC as well. I'm not going to beat you over the head about not talking to her about the coworker. You knew it was wrong, but at the end of the day, nothing happened. Its weird, I actually just read an article about people cheating on their partners because they felt that they were more than they deserved. Your wife is no different. Some people cheat as a means of self sabotage. She feels that she doesn't deserve you, so its easier for her to push away, so you don't do it to her. Your wife needs to find a new counselor and get this issued addressed.

[TX-SC]

I think your wife is just using the messages from the woman as work an exuse to blame you for her behaviour, don't fall for it. She is the only one responsible for her mistakes. She was monitoring your accounts so she would have seen that you were not sending messages back and engaging in inappropriate behaviour. That whole excuse is just not believable to me, it's more blameshifting and I think your wife is a pro at it. If she wants to work things out with you and try to save the M then she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

I suspected my husband of having an A (which he was), I said nothing and investigated, when I got evidence I confronted. This is pretty much the same story alot of BS's have, I have yet to come across someone who said they suspected their spouse of cheating, found proof and did not confront they just decided to have their own affair instead and let the spouse keep cheating... absolutely ridiculous.

 

Absolutely. She is gaslighting the hell out of him right now. It's just an excuse to make herself feel better.

[Bigdaddyt]

TXSC, I know that she is gas lighting me, I also know that she is being consumed by guilt. I am waiting for her to breakdown and give me a full accounting of what has happened. It will then make my choice clear.

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to blame the OP here. It's really about how you respond to a woman chasing you. Did you respond to the emails from the coworker in a way that might suggest you were interested? Or did you shut it down straight away? How long or how many emails did she send you?

 

If I saw such an email from a woman to my H, the most important thing is how he responds to that.

 

If a coworker was pursuing me, I wouldn't necessarily tell my H, because I can handle it. He'd only become very upset and jealous about it. I would respond by saying that I'm married and not interested, so please do not send such messages to me again.

There is no crime in being hit on, as long as you shut it down straight away. Don't let anyone convince you that you cheated, you didn't.

 

Somehow, I don't think you responded this way. You were probably quite flattered by the attention.

 

Your wife thinking you cheated, was no reason for her to cheat. She was looking for a reason to cheat. Do not blame yourself for her cheating.

 

You seem to have changed your position from, if I found out she cheated with a man, we're over. You seem to be open to reconcile .....or am I wrong?

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, I did not respond to any of the emails and I never did anything to make her think that I was interested in pursuing any relationship. I was and am obsessed with my wife.i would not have ever threatened our relationship for an affair.

[ShatteredLady]

Can we back-up a bit? You said,

 

"She had at the time cloned my personal email and LinkedIn accounts on her IPhone and saw emails from a female coworker that she thought were inappropriate. The coworker was married and we were on the same level in the company that I previously worked for. The coworker did become a problem by telling me that she really liked me and started sending me gifts at work. I shut this down almost immediately, but I didn’t tell my wife."

 

Are you sure your wife didn't come to a site like this for advise & was told to monitor you? Is this coworker completely crazy? It takes even a 'stalker woman' a while to build-up to gifts! Were you chatting & flirting a bit? If your wife could see everything why wasn't she seeing you saying "I'm married. Only talk to me about business!" right from the start? She was reading SOMETHING to start monitoring you. If she was reading the CORRECT responses from you why did she go to these steps?

I know I'm bias. I've monitored my H's mail & "Innocent friendship" (as he described it) is NOT what I was reading!

 

This DOES change things in my opinion. You have a very insecure, emotional wife who doesn't trust you. I choose to believe you here (never physically cheating) but are you a natural flirt? That co-worker is either a completely CRAZY lady or you did say things to encourage her at the start & that's what your wife read. Then you started deleting things to hide them from her...that's what she was seeing. THAT's why she bonded with those women going through divorces. It's horrible being in Moms Club with all those new mothers going on about how wonderful & romantic their husbands are when you're MONITORING H conversations & not liking what you're reading.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior but I think you guys need to do a lot of talking.